Do you ever pour your heart out into a post and never post it? Just save it to a draft and stuff the feelings down? I do.
I have spent a good amount of time thinking about my last post. About how I don’t really “LIVE”. And the goal of my DBT group is to “have a life worth living”.
So HOW do I live? How do I go out and find happiness, how do I find joy? I think I have something like a sleep mask over my eyes. Not only can I not see what’s right in front of my face, I can’t see far enough to find things I enjoy.
I was going to make this post a lot longer, talking about all the things I “used” to enjoy. All the things that helped me live. But the more I thought about the things I lost, the tighter I felt blinded from seeing joy.
This, I need to figure out.
I can’t let go of the text my mom sent about 6 months ago saying she wasn’t disappointed in ME, but that I don’t have the support I need to SHINE. I keep mulling the word over, trying to figure out what exactly I would need to do to shine, and I just was coming up empty until tonight,
Hubby and I were watching a movie and two people were cliff diving. I made an offhand comment that I would love to do that, that it looks like fun, but in the next breath said I would be too scared. I said “I am too scared to go out in our yard at night” and hubby said “you’re too scared to go out in the daylight”.
The sad thing is, he’s right. And maybe that’s what my mom means. I’m don’t live my life, I’m too scared of everything. I merely get by from day to day, trying not to mess things up too badly. And in all the “getting by”, I never live.
I’m too afraid to fail. I’m too afraid I’ll do something wrong. I’m too afraid germs will make me sick. I’m too afraid of screwing up my kids. Fear runs my life. I can’t plan everything when I leave my bubble so something unpredictable might happen, and that thing might be bad, and bad is… bad.
My brain instantly goes to worst-case scenario, and then all the ways to prevent that. It’s exhausting. So it’s easier to just not live than to risk it all…. and therefore I will never shine.
Well at least I think I have figured that problem out. Can’t have unclosed loops.
Big one is 15. He is argumentative, oppositional, irritable and I am sure there are at least 15 more adjectives. And yes, all of that is “normal” teenage behavior- but add the Autism Spectrum, bipolar disorder, ADHD, anxiety and possible narcissistic personality. It’s teenager amplified.
Ive been trying to help him get ready for camp. He was leaving today. He wanted to bring half his stuff in random Walmart bags. He has ZERO executive functioning skills, and he refused to let me even make suggestions without getting angry and screaming at me (at the top of his lungs- I feel like he’s 8 again. (our worst year to date)).
We definitely are not getting along lately…. yet I am the one in his corner. I am the one making the cog wheels move so that he gets the help he needs, with the “least restrictive environment”.
But there are days I look at him, and I wonder what happened to my baby? I think back to the day I found out I was pregnant with him, after failed clomid, attempts, failed IUI attempts, and 2 in-vitro cycles, how happy I was. And when he was born, the struggles with his seizures, the struggle with developmental delays, giving him EVERYTHING I had. Driving him 80 miles 2x a week for OT, finding him every therapy we could get. I think about the year he was 8. The year he was violent, angry, physically abusive to me. And I feel like I earned a little bit easier teenage years. After all, we have his meds right, we have had therapy in place long enough. I just want peace. I want to remember these last few years as a teenager fondly, not with sadness, and regret.
My kids mean everything to me. They are my legacy, they are my best accomplishments, they are the best of me. They SHINE in every way I don’t. I gave them all my shine.
Maybe this is how all moms feel during the teenage years. But this is my first time being there, it hurts, and honestly PLEASE don’t tell me it’s all normal, I KNOW that in my head, but it’s my heart that hurts, and that will only get better with time.
It’s been a while I know. I probably don’t even have any followers anymore. So…
Where have I been?
The past couple months I have been really focused on therapy. I have been seeing Princess Glitter Sparkle 1 hour a week for individual therapy, and 2 hours a week for group DBT (dialectical behavior therapy). It has been good for me. First, she is THE BOMB of therapists. Best one I have ever had. She is REAL, she is funny, she gets my humor, we laugh together, she’s gotten me to open up about stuff that’s hard. She’s quirky and washes her hands a lot, so she’s a real person. So all in all she’s awesome. And I am so blessed to have found her.
I have also been reading a lot. I have been both reading and listening to audiobooks like crazy. My goal for the year was 52 books, I have read 33 so far and am currently reading 4 more. Reading helps me escape. But not just into my own head, but into a story, that for the most part makes me feel good (I try not to read sad things but there was one recently that had me in tears- but good tears).
Did I talk about Fat Camp (medical weight management)? In case I didn’t- the dr was awesome. She was nice, and listened to everything I had to say. She was empathic and just nice- even if she was 15 pounds soaking wet, abut 9 feet tall, and looked like she was from Sweden. I met with the dietician, and while she was great, I just don’t know if I can do what they are asking of me – 1000-1200 calories a day, no carbs, put my body in ketosis and stay there, until goal “weight” which they wouldn’t tell me the ideal because they don’t want me focusing on a number (so why do they want me to weigh in every time???)- but here’s the problem, the hospital has decided after 8 years to cut the program. So after August 24 I have no support. So….yeah… Have considered a couple other “do-it yourself” programs. Anyone have long-term success with any? Comment here and let me know. The BEST thing about the program is they have this neat machine that you hook up to and breathe into for 10 minutes and it gives you your basil metobolic rate (basically how many calories you burn at rest) 1796 BTW.
I haven’t been leaving the house much. Even prior to my surgery (will get to that in a minute). I admit, I am not leaving the house much. Only to things I ABSOLUTELY have to do- therapy, appointments for the kiddos etc.
I had surgery a couple weeks ago, the same surgery I had last summer on my left hip but this time on my right hip. This time recovery hasn’t gone as smoothly.
- During recovery I stopped breathing several times – this has never happened before, so they think I have apnea and I am waiting on a sleep study. Fun. It really solidified in my mind how big I am getting and the fact that I really need to do something about it.
- I developed DVT (deep vein thrombosis – a blood clot) in my surgical leg just under a week after surgery. Thankfully hubby and I were paying attention to the signs, got to the dr and got treatment. I will be on blood thinners for 6 months and I should be fine (though at increased risk for DVT again). I was lucky the clot was below my knee (felt like a Charlie horse in my calf) because its much rarer for those to break up and go to the brain/lungs/heart. So thank God for that.
In Other news:
- I am still napping a lot- but is it escapism or because Im not sleeping well because of apnea (I wake up so tired, but I also can’t fall asleep at night) I think I have messed with my internal clock.
2. In general, I am feeling a bit better about life. I am not so down, and depressed. I don’t know when it happened, just one day I was like- “huh, doesn’t suck so bad today”. That’s not to say I am 100% awesome everyday, most days I don’t think that everything sucks.
3. Anxiety, OCD, and irritability are all in full swing. But I can’t expect that they will go away anytime soon, and I guess that’s ok.
Mental Health Summary: Not everything sucks. Still trying to isolate myself. But things aren’t quite as bad as they were.
Everything else: Day by day.
So there you have it. Until next time (which I hope won’t be as long).
My daughter went into first grade in public school this year. I have homeschooled for the past five years. She did first grade at home last year but I just couldn’t teach her to read, or write her letters and numbers.
As it turned out she had an issue with her eyes that needed therapy weekly. She entered first grade without ANY sight words. She struggled writing letters correctly (she still does but it’s so much better). In January with interventions she made it to level 4/5. When they leave first grade they want them to be level 16-20. It was pretty clear my daughter would need summer school. Each week she inched along. About a month or so ago she was at a level 12. Which is AMAZING progress, but they were still recommending summer school.
I got an email from her teacher the other day, her final assessment put her at a level 16, 98% fluency and instructional level comprehension.
I could learn a lot from this soon to be 8 year old. She went from the bottom of the ladder in reading, so to speak, and with hard work and determination she got herself to the top.
She is one of the kindest friendliest child in the first grade. She helps her classmates with the subjects she’s strong in. She’s something special that’s for sure.
And she doesn’t give up. She’s strong. She must have a belief in herself to go from where she was to where she is.
I would be remiss to not also recognize the teacher and reading recovery teacher she had. They were AMAZING and both will be missed terribly. But without an inner drive, an inner strength, even with all the help in the world she wouldn’t have gone as far as she did. No one, not me, not her father, not her teachers expected her to catch up to the other students in a school year. She had eye issues, she was basically starting from scratch. But she surprised us all.
I want to be her when I grow up. I want to be the person who can be last in the race, keep on trucking and finish with everyone else.
She is my hero.
First of all, been a while since I posted. I haven’t been doing much lately. I haven’t been drawing, or writing, or looking on Pinterest. I go the appointments I have to go to, I go to baseball and lacrosse games when I have to, and I scroll facebook mindlessly for longer than I care to admit. I just have no desire/motivation to do anything anymore. It sucks. It just seems like nothing has been going right, and so I just feel BLAH.
As for keeping it together, we have 2 checkbooks and I can’t keep them balanced and with money in them not overdraft. We are doing 2 different systems, cash like Dave Ramsay and debit cards. It’s not working – we need to do one or the other. So tomorrow morning I have to go to both our banks and put some of our cash in so that everything thats floating in the ether will clear.