What do you do?

What do you do when your kids appear to hate you?  They don’t listen to you I don’t do it you ask they ignore you it’s almost like you’re invisible when you’re talking to them? We homeschool as I’m sure I’ve mentioned before my daughter won’t do her work for me so that her day she doesn’t even do school my son says his is done but then I find out he lied I’m overwhelmed, and on the verge of a breakdown I feel like our schedule is overbooked but 90% of it is school or therapy related and we can’t cut her therapies because we cut our therapies in the problems will intensify I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place and I want to just beat my head against the rock until I stop moving.

The Apathy is Gone…

The apathy I have been feeling for a couple weeks is gone and now I waffle between angry, frustrated and downright sad- or whats a worse word for sad?

Today at church today the Pastor was reading calls from people to their loved ones on 9/11 and I had tears streaming down my cheeks and I don’t cry in public, heck I don’t cry much at all.  Hubby held my hand and that was a really sweet gesture, it made me feel loved and protected.

We got home from church and I was irritated and sad so I set my alarm for 1 hour for a nap and apparently it went off and I just shut it off and slept another hour- I now owe PollyAnna 9 coloring sheets.  Awesome. It sucks to be punished for doing something you enjoy most.

My kids have been fighting and sniping at each other all day.  It’s a rainy chilly day so that means no outside time and they are stir crazy.

Big one is telling me how I should be parenting little one  I said fine, if you can do it better, go ahead parent her.

I am so tired of everyone telling me what to do, what not to do, how to feel, how not to feel.  How to express myself and how not to. I feel trapped.  This blog is the only place I feel like I can truly say anything on my heart and no one will contradict me, or placate me, or tell me my feelings are wrong…

It’s been almost a year since my breakdown, and I am no closer to being better than the day it happened.  I am so tired of pretending everything is fine.  Im back to telling people “good” when they ask how I am.  Ive figured out the truth no one really wants to know. I don’t want to be around anyone, I just want to stay at home watching TV, sleeping and listening to audio books.  But unfortunately expectations make this impossible. Being an adult sucks.


1st Day of Homeschool Down 174 to go…

Can I let you all in on a little secret? I HATE homeschooling. When most of you close your eyes and imagine homeschooling I’m sure you picture mom and kids all working together learning, doing hands on projects, smiling and enjoying each other’s company.

What it’s really like? Fighting them to get started in the morning, saying 1 billion times “no we can’t skip today”.  Then them trying to weasel their way out of every assignment, trying to negotiate what they do and don’t have to do. A million pee breaks, a million snack breaks. Being asked a million times when they can be done. All the while trying to maintain some semblance of the little sanity I was trying to holding on to.

Today wasn’t really THAT bad, and little one did amazing.  She was done by 11am and listened to SkippyJon Jones books with corresponding audio for hours while she played.  Big one did well. Until French – we couldn’t get Rosetta Stone working properly and he had a major meltdown.  But we got through it and I would call day 1 a success even with the bumps.

I should say I don’t HATE homeschooling, it’s just not easy.  And when you are already close to the end of your rope it’s even harder.  But today is just day 1. We have 174 more days to make it easier. And with hubby home everyday he’s helping, we are splitting the duties and that’s so much help for me. I appreciate it so much. Without him the past year I would have fallen apart.

So babe, when you finally read this, because I know you are behind, I love you, appreciate everything you have done and continue to do to keep this family together. xoxo.

Why does mental health issues cause such exhaustion with so little exertion?

I had little one’s party with her friends today. There were only 12 kids ranging in age from 3-15. They all just played outside and on the trampoline, we had ice cream cake and that was that. I mean really the parents just sat around talking.  But I am WIPED. Completely wiped.  I mean I did do PT, and then Walmart, came home and showered, then it was party time. I hardly did anything.  Of course after the party I had to shower the germs off.

Now I am camped out in my recliner and I want to just sleep or watch TV.  Hubby went out to get dinner.  Neither of us have it in us to cook anything.

We are supposed to start school on Monday, I need to get the school room done before then.  So that’s my plan for this weekend.  Other than that NOTHING.  I need some rest.  I don’t even have any lesson plans done. I am so screwed.

Well dinner will be here soon so I better go until next time.


Today was a weird day.  Started with a visit with PollyAnna, which is always “fun”.  Someone left 2 peanuts in their shells in the bathroom on the sink and I couldn’t stop trying to figure out why someone would do that, why not put them in your pocket? Why bring them in the bathroom? Why leave them? So PollyAnna and I walked downstairs mid session for me to remove them, so I would stop thinking about them.  So I used paper towels to pick them up and then I had to do my hand washing ritual- which includes 5 paper towels, no more no less. No idea why. We went back up stairs and now my concern was what if someone realized they forgot their peanuts and went back for them and they were gone?  What if they were upset. PollyAnna assured me if someone left peanuts in the bathroom they probably weren’t expecting them to still be there.  Which brought up hand dryers. They are a NO GO. I feel like everyone’s poop smell and flatulence air is being blown on my hand.  At this point she literally laughed. I know she thinks I am nutty, with all the rules I have especially the ones that don’t make sense but I can’t help it.

Then I went to see Mary Poppins. I lost 2lbs since seeing her last, not as much as I would like but it was a loss at least. We talked about my meds and what’s working (not much) and what isn’t (most everything).  So she has decided to discontinue the oxycarbazipine and do a low dose lithium.  But when hubby went to fill it apparently there is an interaction between lithium and metformin and it can cause spikes and valleys in your glucose level, so tomorrow I will call the endocrinologist (who I need to come up with a name for), and see if she thinks I should test my sugars – if yes FUN! NOT!

I didn’t get my nap today, I really wish I had, but I did get to finish the audiobook I was listening to- The Memory of Us.  It was a good story set in England at the start of World War 2. But sometimes I wanted to strangle the main character through the book.

I know there was more on my mind, but I can’t seem to remember now.  So until next time.

Been away a couple days…

This was a hugely busy weekend in our family.  TWO parties for my little princess; one with just the 4 of us and one with my family.  The day of her actual birthday went pretty well.  We princess dictate the day so she stayed in her pajamas, watched TV played on her iPad and played with her gifts. Trolls and Shopkins. I still took my nap- infant I was as EXHAUSTED as if I had given birth that day because she wouldn’t go to sleep. It was after 1am before I just told her to come into our bed and she finally slept.  That night wasn’t much better.  When we went to bed between 11 and 12 she was still awake.  In Clonidine XR. So we said come on and sleep with us.

Around 4am I woke up COVERED in pee. Myself and my bed were SOAKED.  So I made little one change and this time remember a pull up and I changed and laid a towel on the bed. When we got up Saturday morning, and realized that big one still had soaked sheet in the washer and something had clogged it, that I had a duvet, sheets, blanket and mattress pad plus big one had wet AGAIN, and people would be at our house shortly, off to the laundry mat I went. $30 later it was all clean and the big stuff dried.  We dried the sheets here. Of course my anxiety was in full force and I decided to give little one a med vacation this week, since my mom will be taking her overnight this week. Then she can’t blame anything on the meds and me ruining her with them.

Saturday night was a church thing, I just didn’t have it in me, so hubby and big one went.  Just as well I was dog tired and didn’t want to talk to anyone else once my brother left (around 7:30).   I showered (for the 2nd time that day) to get the outside off me.  And tried to get little one to bed till after midnight but she finally slept AND stayed in her own room.

Sunday we all slept in and missed church. That was ok with me, I was peopled out. But we did still have a birthday party to go to.  We went, hubby took the kids swimming, and I hung out in the building. We stayed 3 hours, and I was DONE… came home and showered off the outside and as a family we tried to watch guardians of the galaxy two until it was time for hubby to cook dinner. Per my usual MO I went to sleep at least I only missed about 20 minutes of the movie before he shut it off so that he could go cook dinner I ate dinner I surprisingly stayed awake through the rest of the movie and then we all went to bed early except little one who stayed up in her room playing until midnight. I tried something new with her telling her that I would come in every 10 minutes and check on her and that seemed to work because she was asleep before the first 10 minute check in I think we’re going to try that from now on.

Today I have had ZERO motivation. I got up at 8:15 and was napping by 9:45.  I really want another but I have a meeting in 50 mins.  I keep thinking my anxiety and OCD are up (which they are) and my depression is taking a back burner but PollyAnna keeps reminding me that no motivation, feeling indifferent, and sleeping as often as I can is depression.  I don’t have to be crying, yelling, and freaking out all the time to be depressed. 

I’m having my 2nd carpal tunnel on the 5th of Sept and that’s my last scheduled surgery. I’m growing my fingernails out for the occasion when my surgeries and stitches are out- I can finally scratch again.  Mary Poppins wants to keep me scheduled in surgeries perpetually because I won’t scratch if I am due for surgeries because open wounds + hospitals = not a good idea. I know it makes me sound crazy but I need to put my obsessions  and compulsions went somewhere because right now I’m holding them all in and I feel like I’m going to burst because I can’t eat them away because I’m following a diabetic diet that the endocrinologist gave me and I can’t exercise them away because I’m still on restriction for my hip so the only thing I can do is pull out my hair which I don’t have enough hair to begin with so I really need to get it out.

I got groceries alone, and I am really thinking I need to disappear…

Hubby and I made a deal, if I did the grocery shopping he would wash all the eggs we had waiting to be washed. I agreed to the deal and then remembered he would have washed them all anyway. CRAP! But no takebacks. So off I went to Walmart.  As usual I put my reusable bags in the bottom of the cart whenI walked in so when my cart was overfowing (literally – we try to shop a month at time for things other than perishables)….So I had to dig through the cart to get those out. Fun times.  And I hate the way people look at me when my cart is overflowing. Take a picture it’ll last longer…. they probably do and I am on the people of Walmart site somewhere.  Once I finished Walmart I went to the local grocery store for meat. We don’t buy our meat at Walmart.

So I get home and one child ignores me and the other hollers at me.  I said maybe it would be better if I were gone.  And I wasn’t kidding.  I am so tired of being disrespected, not listened to, and ignored. I want to run away.  Part of me wants to go empty all our accounts and take off.  You know, I would settle for a full night, and full day alone in a motel with no one talking to me, no one bothering me, no one ignoring me. But that’ll never happen. So my next wish is to be sick or hurt enough to go to the hospital for a day or three.  Have meals brought to me, lay in bed and sleep as much as I want without people poking me awake.

Mary Poppins asked me about self harm the other day.  I told her I have been thinking about it a lot, especially since I can’t turn to junk food anymore if I am going to follow what the endocrinologist wants…. and I don’t want to end up like dad. But I told her I would be having my other hand done soon so I have to wait.  She joked that she was going to keep me scheduled in surgeries indefinitely …. I got plenty she could schedule- weight loss, skin removal, breast reduction, tonsillectomy, fix my other hip, lobotomy…ok that last one was a joke.

Im tired. And it’s not lack of sleep tired. I’m worn.  And I have to spend tomorrow with my mom and step dad. It’ll be the first time I have seen him since “the text”. My husband wants to punch him out… Thankfully I know he has more self control…. I hope.