Sometimes coming back to write is hard. For so long it was the same thing day in and day out. I was angry, irritable and grouchy or I was sad. I was yelling or I was crying. I was resenting my life, wishing for a new one. Playing the “if only” game. Angry at our circumstances, angry at the world.
The past week there has been a tiny shift. Almost imperceptible. I wasn’t angry every day, I wasn’t sad every day. I didn’t cry every day. Am I still depressed, yes. Am I still angry/sad yes. But I am not as deep in the pit as I was. Will it last? I don’t know. I don’t have any expectations for that anymore, I always thought I would have been “better” by now.
My new counselor is great. I can’t even describe what it is I like about her, but she seems to get me. She listens to me, she gives me homework assignments that I can actually do- the first time was watch “What about Bob?”, and this week it was to watch “Comedians, in cars, getting coffee”. Really funny! She also had me read a book called, “Taming your Gremlin”. It talks about the little voice inside of you, the one who tells you that you can’t do something, that you are a failure, that you are a loser… all the negative thoughts, that it’s a gremlin, who’s sole job is to make you feel awful. It was a great book, it gave me a lot to think about. It talks about mindfulness, about just noticing that voice, not fighting against that gremlin.
And I have to say, as I was reading the book, it was a lot to take in, a lot to think about. BUT I did take something from it. I have noticed the gremlin’s voice a couple times. It hasn’t helped me not believe the lies, but I notice- and that’s progress.
I found some old letters, and a scrapbook from when my husband and I were first together. I found some things I had written, and I was reminded of my love for writing. It got me thinking about my dream to write a novel. My dream to be an author. I started dreaming again, but of course the gremlin had to throw in its two cents and tell me I am not good enough, no way I am going to be successful, that I just can’t do it.
I start DBT group therapy in a couple weeks, (dialectical behavioral therapy). I am looking forward to seeing what it’s all about, but at the same time I am nervous, I’m not great with groups of people.
Tonight my oldest is at his first school dance. It’s so hard to believe he’s in high school, time passes so quickly.
It’s nice to not have posted so much doom and gloom for once.
Until next time….