Reset day 1… again.
That is all.
Reset day 1… again.
That is all.
This semester school is kicking my butt. It could be that the depression is back with a vengeance. Was put on yet another med- Topamax- I forget how many that makes now– too many. But also I am taking a 7 week class. Psychology of adolescence. Holy Moly. A 7 week class when you are 18 is a world of difference when you are 40. I am barely hanging on by a thread, add to that homeschooling 2 kids, 3 hours of therapy, and my lack of motivation -yet my need for perfection- Im teetering on the edge. Just need to make it till March 9 and I will be down to 3 classes, and May 10 and it’s done. Graduation, May 11.
Been feeling pretty crappy lately. I have had this impending sense of doom. I am convinced sometime utterly terrible is going to happen… I don’t know what it is, but something truly horrible. Logically I know I am probably dreaming but I can’t help but get a pit in my stomach when I let my mind wander.
Homeschooling is… going… well… it’s hard. I know it’s what’s best. But it’s hard. It’s hard under the best of circumstances but given all the circumstances we have going it’s super hard. But we have some really good days. And I am so thankful that I don’t have to send them back to a place that isn’t good for them. It’s good for some kids, definitely. My kids just don’t fit in that box.
In other news, we are still waiting on news of hubby’s disability claim, but when I checked the claim status it told me it can’t display the status right now, that is a good sign that there is movement. Fingers crossed.
I guess it’s time to get back to the grind.
Until next time.
The other day I was thinking about how much time I spend scrolling up and down my newsfeed, and refreshing over and over again. I decided to shut off all notifications of facebook (but not messenger since that’s my main means of communication with just about everyone). I moved the app to an unused page of my phone screen.
Poof. Less facebook = so much more time for everything else right? WRONG. Haven’t been to facebook in 2 days so far. But I find other ways to waste my time- staring at the kitchen clock works well. As does laying my head on my laptop. Oh Oh and sitting staring into space. There’s not shortage of time wasters in my vicinity.
I have had super duper anxiety lately, and yet very little affect. I just have no motivation to even move my face… but my legs are jiggling like crazy under the table….
I need to get motivated and get through this semester then – graduation at which time I can commence sleeping in my chair all day again.
We went to the store the other day and hubby told me the other day while we were at Wal-Mart to buy myself some clothes. We had a little extra money and he knows I have like 3 shirts, 2 pairs of pants, and a jacket that won’t zip. So I said ok. I picked out about 4 shirt on clearance (all less than 7 dollars!), and a new winter jacket (also on clearance less than 30 bucks!). The jacket is great, as are 2 of the shirts, but the other two are too small. They are all the same size- a size bigger than I have ever had my life and they still don’t fit.
In theory I want to lose weight. I have more than 100lbs to lose. In theory I make all these plans of how I will lose the weight, and I wake up in the morning and it just seems too much. Too much work. Too much thinking. Too much tracking. Too much time. Just too much.
But then I don’t. And I hate myself. Which makes me want to eat – because it’s comforting and one of my drugs of choice. And then I hate myself for overeating. So I eat more…. and the circle goes round and round.
And that leaves me- fat, miserable, and hating myself.
So what do I do? If I knew I would do it. But instead I get on the hamster wheel day after day and do the same cycle over and over. For how long? Who knows.
I am sick of life. I am sick of being the butt of every joke. I’m sick of all of it.
I’ve made some comments to my children about the fact that they constantly pick on me with “jokes”. Once in a while is funny, multiple times a day is harassment. They take my phobias and terrorize me with them- funny once, not funny after the 4th or 5th time in an hour.
Every appointment Big One has with his counselor is spent bashing me. I keep him on a tight leash. I expect too much of him. I give too much schoolwork. Every.single.time it’s about me.
This past weekend at his youth group retreat he made a very inappropriate joke about something he didn’t even know what it was- he had heard it at school, people laughed so he used it for his comedy. It then commenced a talk from the pastor. This was autism at its finest. We talked and talked about it last night he was so mad. Screaming. Yelling. And yet when he went to the counselor this morning they discussed me- and all the ways I fail.
I’m done. So freaking done.
Sometimes I wish I had written this without anyone in my “real” life being able to read it. I have been very careful not to identify myself for strangers who might know me in person, but I know of a few of my friends and family who read this.
But that makes it hard for me to talk about several topics. I don’t feel like I am able to talk about my frustrations with certain things (and people) in my life.
So on to what I feel like I can say. First of all over the past couple of years I have become an expert in faking it. We just had some people here that coordinate the mental health workers for my kids. They commented on how happy I seemed. Ha! Little to they know how I have been feeling today. Little do they know how with deliberateness (Is that a word) and calmness I self-harmed this morning. I have to reset the “clock” I have – 160 days I made it. But this morning I just needed relief, and it felt good.
I’m at that scary place where it all seems fine on the outside but on the inside I am a bubbling mass of mess.
I guess that’s all….
Which title fits this post the best? You decide.
I had big plans to write here more often in 2019. I planned to chronicle my crawl back to … I don’t know where. Maybe just my crawl forward…. but as always life gets in the way. First we went on a family vacation- which was nice. It’s been a long time. Then there was getting back into the swing of things, and finally last week was the week of appointments with a snow day smack dab in the middle of the week. Fun.
Last week… ugh. Started bright and early Monday morning with an appointment with the endocrinologist who officially diagnosed me with type 2 diabetes. Meds, meter, set me up with an appointment to see the nutritionist, have I heard of Keto?, lose weight. (insert eye roll). Tuesday morning saw Princess Glitter Sparkle- yes still seeing her, still loving her, though she did suggest I keep a gratitude journal (ugggghhhh fine… but I don’t have to like it– yes I am wicked pissy lately). Then straight to Big One’s counselor who expressed his concern about Big One’s depression- we are too, trying to get a handle on what will help. A short lunch break and off to Little One’s counselor. I was sure making the rounds that day. (insert BIG eye roll here). Wednesday plans (more appointments) came to screeching halt with a snow day…. yay?!?! Thursday trip to see the ENT for a hearing test referral to HOPEFULLY get to the bottom of the ringing in my ears that is threatening to put me in the looney bin faster than my life will. He said it’s either hearing loss or… wait for it…. who the heck knows why ringing and either way there may or may not be anything that we can do for it??!?!?! If there is significant hearing loss I can fix it or live with it. And if it’s unknown reason well I have to live with it. (Gosh I love being me). After that went to Mary Poppins. Still love her. She wants to keep on keeping on regarding meds for now. Im good with that. Something stable right? After her I met with my case manager – I need to come up with a name for her. She drives me crazy. I don’t think I like her. Of course it could be that she handed me a big packet of articles about exercise, weight loss etc. (bang head on wall). Final visit rounding out the week was my urologist. I’ll spare you the gory details, but his parting words were- “any extra weight we carry makes things worse”
I GET IT ALREADY IM FAT I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT. I get it. I do. I know that losing weight will make certain medical things better. But I just can’t seem to get motivated to do that. I want to say I need to get my head in order but really will there ever be a time where my head is in order and I am ready to lose weight? Who knows. I KNOW I need to be the “no excuses” girl I was 5 years ago. Sometimes I wish I could find her again. Though I will admit there were things about her that I could live without… but that’s a topic for another day.
So let’s see that covers “Best of Intentions” and “Really?….No Crap?”… onto Homeschool Part 2.
I already mentioned we were going to be homeschooling Little One. We started that last week in the midst of appointment-hell. It went well so far. She’s been happy to do her work, and seems to be enjoying what she is studying. But Friday night things came to a head with Big One. He’s been struggling… socially horribly all year… and it’s affecting his mood- obviously – he’s so depressed (as I mentioned above), and it’s affecting his grades. Not cool. He’s getting an F and a C-. Not cool at all. But Friday he got an email from his co-leader of the club he started at school, basically telling him that he was no longer a leader because he didn’t do enough behind the scenes things, and moreover that they weren’t friends anymore…. for basically all the issues that a child with Autism has—- self preoccupation, not thinking about how others are feeling, etc etc etc. HE CANT HELP IT. I wish I could scream that from the rooftops. HE CAN NOT HELP THE WAY HE IS. We have worked on this stuff for… forever…. there is only so much we can do.
I don’t get it, with all the talk these days about tolerance, acceptance etc why is it ok for people to not be that way to people like him? I can’t even.
So Friday night he got this email, and he lost it. He yelled, he screamed. He said he wouldn’t go back to school and he didn’t care who we called- crisis, the police he didn’t care. But worst of all? He sobbed and sobbed. Uncontrollably. My baby boy just shut down and cried. I haven’t seen him do that in years. YEARS. My heart broke, and I wanted blood. Of course I told him he didn’t have to go back to a place that has done this to him.
Insert note- I may or may not have had a PTSD moment bringing me back to my sophomore year when I was the child sobbing- into my pillow- and wishing I didn’t have to go back—
So we have been researching Charter Schools, but it’s hard mid-year. So we may be homeschooling him for the remainder of the year as well as Little One. That will bet interesting with my 4 classes. But I know God will get us through it all. But all I know is that I WILL protect my kids, no matter what. And if that means discomfort for me, so be it. I will take a much harder hit to my mental health if something were to cause my son to do something drastic… or even if he continued to be so unhappy. So judge me if you will. Some will. Some will say I made the wrong decision. Some will say he needs to be in school to get used to the “real world”. And to them I say- until you have seen your 15.5 year old son turn into a little boy rocking in your arms crying and sobbing, don’t judge me.
Until next time- (which I hope is sooner rather than later)