Sometimes I feel like I have no one to talk to, except my therapist. I wish I had her on speed dial.
I have friends. I have family. Sometimes I vent to them. But sometimes I feel like “that friend/family member that does nothing but complain”. And sometimes I just can’t talk about what’s bothering me, sometimes there aren’t words, sometimes my feelings are unreasonable and unrealistic and could cause hurt feelings. So I’ve been doing a lot of stuffing and avoiding.
People are noticing I’m isolating myself. People are noticing that I’m missing. And I care that they notice, and then I feel compelled to rectify that, and then I either stay missing or I go and spend the entire time on edge.
I’ve noticed some friends and I have drifted apart. And I want to get that back, but I just don’t have anything to give.
I’ve tried faking it at home, tried plastering on a smile and be Suzy-homemaker but that inevitably leaves me feeling resentful, and I end up just losing my temper because it’s all too much. Too much.
Thanksgiving was a perfect example of this. We had 8 of us here, and hubby and I cooked- but mostly I cooked. Something I always used to enjoy but now… not so much. And I was stressed to the max. I dropped all the carrots in the sink, a million dish towels, and utensils. People at the table were “bickering”… goading each other just for the fun of it. But I plastered a smile on my face, and only got after everyone once, and told them it’s Thanksgiving, cut it out, smile and you will have fun.
After dinner was over my inlaws stayed after my mom and step father left. We were talking and I made a comment about something wiseass, and MIL said “you’re fine now”. Like one wiseass comment means I feel fine. She went on to say that because I was able to put on the meal etc that meant I was fine. Um, hello? Really? She wasn’t here yesterday (hubby’s 40th birthday) to see the aftermath of the day. I was grumpy, had a short fuse, and was exhausted. Today I still am. Seriously, I don’t get it.
Princess Glitter Sparkle (a.k.a. my counselor) wants to call Mary Poppins (a.k.a. med management doctor)… I’m not sure why, I hope she tells me when I see her this week.
We have an IEP meeting for little one on Monday. I had forgotten about it until I looked at the calendar tonight. and now I have that to stress about. I know they aren’t going to give her what she needs. I don’t think I mentioned she was diagnosed with ODD. Did I mention she ran away from school 2x and came home? She has OT delays, issues with self-regulation, and stutters. She reverses her letters. She’s 8. We need to find out why. I have asked for evaluations. But I am sure she’s not going to get them. I know I sound like a doomsday-er, but I have been here, done that, bought the teeshirt, and the hoodie, and the towel and the socks. I am not doing this again. I will take her out and homeschool her again. I am just so done.
Did I mention that I went back to school? Online- no way could I do this in the classroom- though this coming semester I have to take 1 class, 1 day a week at the campus and I am flipping out already. As if I don’t have enough to do, I decided to finish my bachelors degree, I thought maybe having something to do would help- not so much, it has made so much more stress in my life. But maybe my mom and some other people in my life will stop being so disappointed with the way my life turned out. Maybe I will “shine”.
I don’t even want to post this… I know some of the people who know me “in real life” read this, and I don’t want them to think I’m talking about them, I don’t want them to feel the need to reach out, I don’t know what I want.