I Wish….

I went after myself with the safety pin again tonight, the one I cleverly keep hidden so no one will find it. But you know what I really wish, is that instead of my husband getting angry that I hurt myself again – maybe angry is not the right word frustrated I wish he would see each mark for what it is- a pain, a hurt, a word I say in anger, a punishment for things I do wrong. I wish he could look at them and see my pain – the pain I have no words for.

I want another coping mechanism but no one has helped with that so far- an elastic on the wrist is hardly scratches and cuts.

For those of you curious – my children NEVER see my cuts.  I hide them well. And they won’t ever see them.


The words spell out “Just Like Him” meaning my dad.  I feel like my kids feel they aren’t good enough for me that I somehow think that they should be better – smarter, better listeners, better behaved…. I don’t know it’s probably projection but it’s how I feel it’s a pain, it’s hurt, it’s a scar.

I guess it’s a good thing I see PollyAnna and Mary Poppins tomorrow- we have a lot to talk about.

Bad Mom???

Here I am sitting in the car my daughter soccer game/practice. I know that I should get a lawn chair out and go sit and watch her play but I want to just sit in the car maybe read, or listen to an audiobook or maybe even scratch. I’ve been feeling the urge all day,  trying to decide if I want to or not. I think it’s crazy that I can control whether I do it or not It’s not an in voluntary thing I make the decision and I do it.  

Who Would consciously decide to hurt themselves what kind of person what’s wrong with them in their head why does the pain matter it’s not like the pain you feel of the depression or the anxiety or the OCD with the PTSD or what other acronym you want to use it goes away… And then there is the fact that I don’t know if I’m sinning.  That’s a lie, I know I’m sending I am defacing God’s temple because God said our bodies are a temple. But I don’t stop . The scrapes and scratches and scabs from the last time ate going away and I think that’s part of why I want to do it again because I need them there to remind me of the pain somehow I don’t I don’t even know.

I haven’t talk to my dad and days we didn’t leave things in a very good note I don’t know if I should call him or not I did hear through the grapevine that he still in the hospital and has not been released to the Long-term care facility, I don’t know if that’s his doing or if there is or if he’s too sick. I just don’t know if I should call him I get a pit in my stomach every time I think about calling him, but part of me thinks it’s the right thing to do. But he Always messes with my mental health, so the survival instinct in me doesn’t want me to call… Stay tuned for when I decide to do. 

I’m happy news my blog now has 100 followers.  100 People read a blog that I wrote and decided to follow me. That makes me feel good.

I apologize 

I have almost 300 blogs I haven’t read, and I keep trying to catch up but I can’t even make a dent.   So to all of the blogs I regularly follow, like and comment on that’s why I haven’t been around.  I’ve barely been able to get out of my own way.  Day to day life has been tough.  So I made the decision. I’m going to delete all the blog emails and start fresh. I’ll try to read back when I can but seeing all those emails knowing I haven’t been there for all of you, hearing about your days, about your successes and victories kills me.  It makes me sad and depressed.  

I hope you all understand I care and love reading about you all. And please forgive me. 

You know what sucks?

Sometimes there are thoughts and feelings you have that you can’t voice anywhere, because it’s not politically correct or something you just don’t say.  But sometimes those things are stuck in your head and you want to let them out you want to vent them, you want to share them – but everyone would judge you – you’d be a horrible person.  And so I keep my thoughts to myself.  Locked deep inside where they are slowly eating away at me and will eventually just be a shell….

You know what it means when it’s been a while…

So last week I had my final carpal tunnel surgery yay I get the stitches out on Friday looking forward to that. But I feel like everything else in my life is pretty shitty, my memory seems to have lapses timeframes that I can’t remember which concerns me. I didn’t have any memory of seeing my counselor last week, I thought it was the week before.

I am not doing well at all.  I scratched today, only once before I realized the OT for my carpal tunnel will be looking at my hands tomorrow.  It can pass as a cat scratch.  I just can’t handle much more.

My husband’s disability was denied so we have to go through the appeal process.  My student loan servicer keeps making me redo this form, and when I do what they say they tell me it’s wrong.  Im hoping todays form is right or I might just say fuck it, try to collect 1300 a month from a family that doesn’t even make that.

Big one is a high schooler so I expect more from him and he screams at me.  I can’t take it.  I just want to run away. My little one I can’t get her to get in here to do her work and I have no fight left in me.

Usually hubby is here to help but today was his mentoring with our pastor, he offered to cancel, but I think this is important, he needs to have a good male Christian model, he needs to learn how to be the spiritual leader. Plus he needs friends and people to talk to.

Today I was driving to the post office and my phone rang, I stopped in the middle of the road to figure out how to answer the phone.  Who does that?  My brain is not working right.  I’ve been crying all day.  I went to the post office to mail 2 things, and when I got home I realized one of them was still in the car. So I had to go back. I put pancakes in the toaster for little one, and forgot to give them to her for breakfast. Hubby gave them to her just before noon.  thankfully she’s a good forager and she had eaten a non mom approved breakfast.

And my dad.  I am now the primary on his advanced directive, I am the one his social worker calls, I’m supposed to convince him to make good decisions so he won’t die. Instead he screams at me, tells me he’s going to kill himself so I have to report that.

I can’t take much more.  I am about to snap.

The Apathy is Gone…

The apathy I have been feeling for a couple weeks is gone and now I waffle between angry, frustrated and downright sad- or whats a worse word for sad?

Today at church today the Pastor was reading calls from people to their loved ones on 9/11 and I had tears streaming down my cheeks and I don’t cry in public, heck I don’t cry much at all.  Hubby held my hand and that was a really sweet gesture, it made me feel loved and protected.

We got home from church and I was irritated and sad so I set my alarm for 1 hour for a nap and apparently it went off and I just shut it off and slept another hour- I now owe PollyAnna 9 coloring sheets.  Awesome. It sucks to be punished for doing something you enjoy most.

My kids have been fighting and sniping at each other all day.  It’s a rainy chilly day so that means no outside time and they are stir crazy.

Big one is telling me how I should be parenting little one  I said fine, if you can do it better, go ahead parent her.

I am so tired of everyone telling me what to do, what not to do, how to feel, how not to feel.  How to express myself and how not to. I feel trapped.  This blog is the only place I feel like I can truly say anything on my heart and no one will contradict me, or placate me, or tell me my feelings are wrong…

It’s been almost a year since my breakdown, and I am no closer to being better than the day it happened.  I am so tired of pretending everything is fine.  Im back to telling people “good” when they ask how I am.  Ive figured out the truth no one really wants to know. I don’t want to be around anyone, I just want to stay at home watching TV, sleeping and listening to audio books.  But unfortunately expectations make this impossible. Being an adult sucks.

 

Slower than usual….

My brother commented that my blog had slowed down.  He was right.  I told him it’s because Im at a point where I just don’t care most of the time. It’s like this feeling of apathy. I am an automaton I just get through the day most of the time. I get up as late as I can- today it was 10am, on school days I try to get up by 7am, but I have been getting up at 8 or 8:30. I eat breakfast usually a yogurt (which honestly, I hate worth a passion).  Or a bowl of cereal- much more yummy, but bad for me sugar wise. Then we start school, my kids don’t exactly cooperate for that.  I love them more than life itself, but it’s so exhausting to school both children.  Big one is more independent plus he had gone to public school for the first 3 years, so someone else had taught him to read, and he didn’t have an eye problem like little one has. So I feel like a failure, I know it’s not my fault nor is it her fault but it’s hard. Homeschooling is so hard.

I have a freshman who will do anything to get out of assignments or do the bare minimum but has lofty goals of MIT and working for Nintendo as a video game creator.  It’s a constant battle to get him to finish the assignments, and to top it off he has all his therapies- counseling 20 hours of in home support.  Which in and of itself is awkward – I don’t even know how to spell awkward anymore… was that right? In home supports to help teach him skills, up his tolerance levels, etc.  But I feel like she’s always watching me.  Every time I fall asleep from exhaustion, or I give in when I am supposed to hold my ground I wonder what she’s writing about me on her notes. In fact I got a call from her supervisor yesterday basically telling me that I can’t change the treatment plan without a meeting to discuss it.  Excuse me? Here’s what went down.  Big One has to do a 20 minute activity with little one very shift and it has to be her choice of activities with some exceptions – no dolls, dress up etc. During that time he whines, moans and complains, which makes the time less than pleasant for little one. And little one has been complaining that big one hasn’t been  spending much time with her, in fact none save the 20 minute activity he yells and screams through. So I said let’s let each of them choose a 30 minute activity and then it will be fair and there will be something for everyone. But apparently as his MOTHER that’s not allowed.  Not to mention that he’s bipolar and on the spectrum.  In the time it’s taken me to write this I have had to remind him to do the same chore no less than 6 times, and he’s interrupted this paragraph no less than 10 times with video game and Pokemon stories that I don’t care about, and he doesn’t seem to care that I am doing something.  This coming week we add Math to our lessons so life is about to get interesting.

Then there is little one. She’s A LOT, she’s busy, she’s ADHD and anxiety, we were doing Ritalin but she didn’t sleep, so we tried adding a sleeping pill that didn’t work. So Hubby and I just stopped medicating her and living with it. But I am sure the Dr won’t be happy about that either. I had talked to her and she suggested just cutting the afternoon dose but my kid was just so calm- eerily calm- like stepford children calm- and I wasn’t having that. It creeped me out.  She’s my bubbly, happy kid and I can’t lose that I have sullen bipolar teenager I can’t lose the light in the family.

And as for me, PollyAnna is hard on me which I need but sometimes it seems too much. Like I am only allowed 1 nap a day lasting no more than 1 hour, and for each hour I nap I have to color her a page….  I napped 3 consecutive hours yesterday because I had to go to our homeschool co op kickoff and socialize and pretend life is good, and it just took all I had. So I owe her 3 pages.

My dad isn’t speaking with my sister so I am the one that gets the social work calls, I am the one being asked to try to force him to do things.  He still intimidates me, how am I supposed to force him to do anything.

We are slowly creeping up on the one year anniversary of my breakdown at my mom’s fall/halloween themed weekend and my stomach churns every time I think about it. But not going isn’t an option.  I feel like for the most part I have no control over my own life. Everyone tells me where I should be, where I have to be, who I have be. Im not even who I used to be.

I used to cook. A lot. I used to bake. I was known for my cooking- no exaggeration, this morning I couldn’t even make my signature breakfast- Crepes. They looked like a mess of goo….

IMG_8035

I don’t know what’s next for me.  And that’s why I don’t write as much.  Even the thought of getting the computer out to type a blog seems like more energy than I have to expend.

Today I am sad for the first time in a while.  That is so much more comfortable for me than apathy.  Not caring, indifference scares me.  It makes me worried about where I go from there.

My final carpal tunnel surgery is on Tuesday, and for the first time in my life I haven’t bitten my nails in months.  Yes some of them have broken but I have some nice long ones.  And long sleeve weather is upon us…. after surgery I can use my favorite coping skill….

I gut that’s all. Until next time.  There brother of mine, the fat ugly truth of it all. Sis isn’t doing well AT ALL.