What to do…. and sometimes Submission is hard…

Submission in a marriage gets a bad rap.  It’s not what mainstream media would have you believe.  The woman is not a slave, she is not silent, she is not subservient.  The man is the head of the household, but they are partners.  But sometimes things can’t be agreed upon and unless it’s against the law, or a sin the woman is supposed to defer to the man- and let me tell you since becoming a Christian that’s one of my favorite parts.  I always had to make the tough calls, but now that hubby is saved he is the head of the household as well as the spiritual leader of our home. I can hand that hat to him. If you want to know more about what marital submission REALLY is, don’t read mainstream media, go to the source, check out Christian resources.  Men and women are equal partners, with different roles. Men and women are different for a reason.

Anyway all that to say, tomorrow is going to be a very long day for me. I have to drop big one at Church 35 minutes away by 8am, and at 11am not far away I see PollyAnna.  It doesn’t make sense to go home so I figured I would go to a coffee shop and read, or blog, or catch up on blogs, but hubby- STRONGLY suggested I contact a friend and visit for a while. I put it off until almost 10pm tonight, but I finally submitted and texted her. No response yet.  I won’t cry if she’s not available 😉

I also get to see the endocrinologist tomorrow. I am nervous and happy at the same time. I know we need to talk about the thyroid, but I also want to talk about my insulin resistance which is what she used to treat me for. I don’t want to end up like my dad in 18 years.

Today was a LONG day. I had PT, then went to Walmart for some necessities.  When I got home little one was too sick to go to the birthday party we had been invited to, so I went. It took some courage on my part to go and socialize AND be outside but I made it, and I enjoyed seeing my friends that I haven’t seen in a while. I am proud of myself.

My mom still hasn’t responded to my email and it’s making me extremely anxious, I want to know what she has to say good or bad.

I guess that’s about all for today. I am sure I will blog tomorrow. Wish me luck for my very long day ahead.

*update- friend texted back going to her house after I drop big one off**

Apologies first of all, second of all too much in one day!

My apologies to all the blogs I follow, I am way behind in reading them! I am trying to get caught up but my kids and appointments have been keeping me so busy. I will read and probably comment on all your blogs.  Just give me some time. Big One is off to a youth group trip this weekend, and so I should have some extra time.

Today was CRAZY.  First a 45 minute drive to little one’s OT, which she did AWESOME with this time. I am so glad she’s settling into that routine.  Then the 2 hour drive to the city to meet up with hubby’s best friend from high school – we see each other once or twice a year.  He, his wife and his baby live several states away and it’s a 12 hour drive for us, but he comes up to visit his family who live only one state away.  So we meet in the middle.  But it was just so exhausting.  My hip was sore and my foot was sore from all the sitting and traveling.

We didn’t get home till around 9pm.  I paid all our bills for the month of August and now I am watching The Circle, and obviously blogging. I think we are going to change our venue when I finish this because I need to ice my hip and my feet.

PT tomorrow. And Thursday I have PollyAnna, and then there was a cancellation for the endocrinologist so YAY!

Until next time…

First Post Since Surgery

My carpal tunnel surgery was more involved and less involved than I expected. I am still feeling pain in the incision and as I am typing I can feel a little pulling at the site. But my fingers are already less numb. I am so excited for them both to be done and not feel any numbness and be able to do the things I want to do.

As for my emotional health…. at least and then napping during the day. I have been staying up till 3am (I take all my ills plus 2 percocets at 11pm)  I know Mary Poppins told me to stop napping but it’s just not working.  I am working hard today to not nap but I feel like I need toothpicks for my eyes. So I am still sleeping through the day. I am not really any better. My anxiety is under control thanks to Valium, however my depression is the same, and my diet sucks.  Lunch was a chocolate Twinkie. Wohoo.

Well I don’t want to over use my hand so Until next time…

Urggh….. blurgh

This was written Tuesday night 7/12/17 by the time you read this I will have to dictate my blog posts to Siri because I will have had my first carpal tunnel surgery….

I recently restarted taking a medication for my bladder problem (interstitial cystitis) and Mary Poppins prescribed Trileptal.  I am pretty sure I started taking them around the same time and one of them is making me so very nauseous after dinner, so I *think* that means it must be the bladder med because I take that before dinner, and the trileptal I take at bedtime, I wouldn’t think the nausea would come almost 24 hours later. I think I am going to do an experiment and stop the bladder meds.  That’s one I can stop without repercussions and it interferes with NSAIDS anyway which I will need after my surgery anyway.

All I know is that every night after dinner my stomach is doing flip flops.  I can’t hardly stand it. And I know it’s not nerves for my surgery tomorrow since it’s been happening for about a week or more now.  Besides surgery doesn’t scare me at all.  I have had several in my life.

As for other things. Today was eh.  I had to get up early and get beat up at PT but at least she said I can go without the cane unless I am limping.  So Im making a concreted effort not to limp…. though sometimes my ankle gets the best of me.  After she had me sufficiently exhausted from PT I went to Walmart.  That was fun.  Anxiety city there. In fact it was so bad I forgot to get the one thing I went in for as I was loading the cart full of stuff I did buy…. so I had to go back in…. grrr.  Back through the store, avoiding eye contact don’t want anyone talking to me, and then to find a safe cashier…. but I didn’t want the actual safe cashier because I had just gone through her line literally 10 minutes ago and didn’t want to seem like a lunatic so I had to settle for the one next to her.

Came home and promptly iced my hip and foot and went to sleep. Woke up for hubby to take little one to swim lessons and fight with big one to go since he needed to get outside and move.  When they came back it was time to take little one to Occupational Therapy.  This is something new, and boy did I see a side of her I am not used to.  Angry, kicking, defiant, this is stupid little one. But once they got through the activity she didn’t get to pick and she got to pick things were much better.

Another 30 minute drive home and ate dinner and promptly fell asleep in my chair. Woke up nauseous. Got the kids ready for bed, showered and now my stomach still feels blech.  I might try a little ginger ale.

Until next time….

I WANT to want to….

On my way home from counseling today I was looking around at what a nice day it was. You can’t really ask for better weather in Northern New England. It’s sunny, around 80 degrees with a slight breeze.

Normally you would find me outside sitting in a chair, or working on my garden, my herb garden or at the lake with the kiddos.

Not this year.  I have sat outside once all summer, and I felt contaminated the whole time. I spend my days sitting in power recliner in my living room with the curtains drawn closed every day.

It’s not that I WANT to be like this, it’s all I have the energy and motivation for.  I was driving home from therapy today and I pass several lakes, and I was thinking about my life the way it used to be, the way it was just a year ago. How it was 2 years ago, 3, years ago.

I passed at least 4 people running.  I used to love to run outside, I ran at least 3-4 times a week, I did multiple 5K races, running was my therapy. And I was hoping someday I would be able to run again, but my ortho doctor has cautioned against it.  He said my hips are not built for it,  And I should have realized it, as soon as I hit about mile 2 my hip flexors would be on fire, but I would push through. *Poof*. Dream dead.  As usual.

The same with HIIT (high intensity interval training), with my hips he recommends against anything high impact. *poof* dream dead.  I saw so much progress and changes in my body doing those things.  But if I do them I will end up with even wore hips than I have now.

Sure I could be happy that I can do low impact- swimming, walking, biking.  Maybe I should even be grateful, but I can’t help but mourn my dreams once again.  I wanted to run a half marathon and eventually a whole, but I never will know the feeling of crossing that finish line.

I know I need to find some new dreams, goals and hopes, but it seems so hard, like too much work for something that will probably fail too.

When I got home from counseling hubby asked why I was so down, and I said “it was counseling it’s hard”.  We spent a lot of time talking about my dad, I am worried about him I hope he’s not dead on the carpet of the hotel. We talked about the running, about how I want a life, but don’t have the energy for one.

That’s so messed up- to want something but not enough to do anything to make it happen.

On my way home from counseling I stopped and took these pics, so even though I can’t do it, or be there I could share the beauty with you.

lakelake2

Until next time….

Verse of the day 

Every day I get a verse of the day push notification and today this was it today…. 

“Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.”

‭‭1 Peter 5:8-9

It seemed rather fitting.

Until next time….

“Blog Mail”

All my followed blogs, emails on my own blog, notifications of new followers all went into one of my most used email accounts- the one I relegated for newsletters etc. 

But today I decided The Things We Hide Inside and the blogs I follow deserve their own place in my life.  Not mixed in with the latest Apple news,  newsletter or other advertisement.  No!  This blog and all my followers and those I follow are more important than the newsletters I receive.  

My followers, though I don’t know most of them know more about me than my own family.  I guess those that I follow and follow me back make us secret keepers, secret sharers, a family of sorts.

Maybe this is just the ramblings of a woman woken up at 1am by her bladder and couldn’t catch the elusive sandman again…

Until Next Time…