Do you ever pour your heart out into a post and never post it? Just save it to a draft and stuff the feelings down? I do.
It is SO HOT here this week. Normally heat doesn’t bother me, I don’t know if my meds are affecting things, or what but this is crazy. Absolutely nuts. I am so hot, hubby is hot, big one is hot. Which makes for an interesting dynamic because we are all grumpy.
We don’t have air conditioning, it’s a waste of money since in our area we have less than a week with unbearable temperatures. So we just have to ride it out, and pray no one kills the other 😉
I wish my hair was longer though. It’s just too short to put in a ponytail, and just too long to not be on my neck making me even hotter. I bought some head wrap things to use but when I take it off I look like a crazy person- on second thought maybe that fits me just right ;).
I just finished book 2 in a series that Richard Paul Evans has written- the first book is The Broken Road, the second is The Forgotten road, and when I got to the end it left me on a cliffhanger and book three The Road Home won’t be out until Spring 2019!!!! I was grrrrrr but it’s something to look forward to.
I am now reading a book “Surprise Me” which is good so far- though a little slow to start and listening to America’s First Daughter, about Them Jefferson’s daughter. I just started last night but I found it very difficult to fall asleep because it was so good!
I’ve read 35 books since January 1st, so if you are looking for recommendations hit me up. And if you have any recommendations please leave them in the comments. I don’t like anything scary or bodice ripping romance.
Until next time….
It’s been a while I know. I probably don’t even have any followers anymore. So…
Where have I been?
The past couple months I have been really focused on therapy. I have been seeing Princess Glitter Sparkle 1 hour a week for individual therapy, and 2 hours a week for group DBT (dialectical behavior therapy). It has been good for me. First, she is THE BOMB of therapists. Best one I have ever had. She is REAL, she is funny, she gets my humor, we laugh together, she’s gotten me to open up about stuff that’s hard. She’s quirky and washes her hands a lot, so she’s a real person. So all in all she’s awesome. And I am so blessed to have found her.
I have also been reading a lot. I have been both reading and listening to audiobooks like crazy. My goal for the year was 52 books, I have read 33 so far and am currently reading 4 more. Reading helps me escape. But not just into my own head, but into a story, that for the most part makes me feel good (I try not to read sad things but there was one recently that had me in tears- but good tears).
Did I talk about Fat Camp (medical weight management)? In case I didn’t- the dr was awesome. She was nice, and listened to everything I had to say. She was empathic and just nice- even if she was 15 pounds soaking wet, abut 9 feet tall, and looked like she was from Sweden. I met with the dietician, and while she was great, I just don’t know if I can do what they are asking of me – 1000-1200 calories a day, no carbs, put my body in ketosis and stay there, until goal “weight” which they wouldn’t tell me the ideal because they don’t want me focusing on a number (so why do they want me to weigh in every time???)- but here’s the problem, the hospital has decided after 8 years to cut the program. So after August 24 I have no support. So….yeah… Have considered a couple other “do-it yourself” programs. Anyone have long-term success with any? Comment here and let me know. The BEST thing about the program is they have this neat machine that you hook up to and breathe into for 10 minutes and it gives you your basil metobolic rate (basically how many calories you burn at rest) 1796 BTW.
I haven’t been leaving the house much. Even prior to my surgery (will get to that in a minute). I admit, I am not leaving the house much. Only to things I ABSOLUTELY have to do- therapy, appointments for the kiddos etc.
I had surgery a couple weeks ago, the same surgery I had last summer on my left hip but this time on my right hip. This time recovery hasn’t gone as smoothly.
- During recovery I stopped breathing several times – this has never happened before, so they think I have apnea and I am waiting on a sleep study. Fun. It really solidified in my mind how big I am getting and the fact that I really need to do something about it.
- I developed DVT (deep vein thrombosis – a blood clot) in my surgical leg just under a week after surgery. Thankfully hubby and I were paying attention to the signs, got to the dr and got treatment. I will be on blood thinners for 6 months and I should be fine (though at increased risk for DVT again). I was lucky the clot was below my knee (felt like a Charlie horse in my calf) because its much rarer for those to break up and go to the brain/lungs/heart. So thank God for that.
In Other news:
- I am still napping a lot- but is it escapism or because Im not sleeping well because of apnea (I wake up so tired, but I also can’t fall asleep at night) I think I have messed with my internal clock.
2. In general, I am feeling a bit better about life. I am not so down, and depressed. I don’t know when it happened, just one day I was like- “huh, doesn’t suck so bad today”. That’s not to say I am 100% awesome everyday, most days I don’t think that everything sucks.
3. Anxiety, OCD, and irritability are all in full swing. But I can’t expect that they will go away anytime soon, and I guess that’s ok.
Mental Health Summary: Not everything sucks. Still trying to isolate myself. But things aren’t quite as bad as they were.
Everything else: Day by day.
So there you have it. Until next time (which I hope won’t be as long).
Despite my best efforts to keep up with the blogs I follow, I haven’t been very good at it. There are days I am barely good at getting out of bed. Please forgive me, and know I am reading as often as I can, and you are all in my thoughts and prayers.
I don’t know if I ever explained why I used the title I did for my blog.
I come from a community of people who are constantly telling me to smile. And well meaning people who tell me to “think positive”.
So, for the most part I hide my feelings inside. I pretend everything is ok, even when my arms are cut up, or I have spent the morning crying. It also refers to my signature move- stuff and avoid.
There is so much junk hiding in me, so many scars, and fresh wounds inside it would probably scare people away…. so those are “the things I hide inside”.
Even now, I have backslid in terms of depression, but I am keeping it hidden inside. No one knows I am constantly on the verge of tears, I am irritable and have a low tolerance for everything….
The title is a line spoken in a prime-time FOX show called Lucifer. Im not going to get into the details of the show, if you are interested, google it. It really is a good show. However, Lucifer- the devil, has this power where he can look someone in the eye ask them that question and he will find out the true desires of their heart.
I need a little of that. I was thinking while I was on a walk yesterday…. I’m unhappy. I am not content. I am sad/angry/anxious/depressed; BUT what would it take for me to change those feelings? What is it that I want? What will make me happy, or at the very least “content”?
I feel as though my some of my circumstances are out of my control- our precarious financial situation for one. The daily stress of one kid on the autism spectrum (albeit high functioning) , ADHD, with bipolar, anxiety and sensory processing disorder, and the other ADHD, anxiety and quite possibly ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder). I can’t change that. I can’t change that my husband is sick and can’t work, which leads to the financial insecurity; a vicious circle. There are so many other factors in my life that I feel like are obstacles to happiness/contentment. But then- is there a way to be happy/content with the current situation? Im doubtful – how can you be content when you’re insecure about the future because of finances, because of your own mental illness, because of your husband’s illness?
So I ask again- what is it I truly desire?
Answer: I have no earthly idea.
I had so many different ideas for what to title this blog. But none of them felt quite right.
First of all, I have been reluctant to post- (disclaimer: this part is about a comment on my blog- but has nothing to do with the poster of said comment, nor does it mean I am upset with the commenter)- because recently after a more positive post a comment was made that it was nice to see something positive posted. Immediately I clammed up. I felt like “crap, people are sick of my problems”. But In the end I decided to just take the comment as I know it was written- as a message showing happiness for my fleeting moment of positivity.
I struggle with constructive criticism, I over analyze what people say. What everyone else thinks means more than what I think.
But I can’t hold this all in any more. This has been a hard week. I can’t give you a reason, because I don’t know. I have been sad and depressed all week. Like major regression in my symptoms. My OCD has been over the top- to the point that I offended a person in my DBT group because I moved my seat when I heard that she had been sick- and so I explained to the group if I do stuff like that, it’s me, not them.
And I’m just tired. So tired. Tired of this life. It never gets better. It seems like I stand up and a big bully pushes me down, over and over. And I am tired of getting up. I have tried so hard in the past month to try to do things to “make me feel better “. But it doesn’t work.
And I have found that even dreaming about possibilities has it’s consequences. I keep thinking about Marilla Cuthbert, and the things she used to say to Anne when Anne would let her imagination run wild, have romantic notions etc. It’s not practical. It’s not useful. Never in my life has there been anyone who encourages me to dream. They just point out the reality. “I get it mom I will never be on star search” (6 or 7 year old me), “I get it (insert name here) I am not as pretty as (insert name here)” (14-16 year old me). “I know I will never amount to much dad”. “I know I don’t shine mom”. “I know I can’t manage money because I have a shopping compulsion- maybe it shouldn’t be my responsibility.” “I know my bucket list will still be undone when I die”.
I get it. This. This is it. It’s never going to get better, and I will stop dreaming, hoping and wishing for it to get better. I see now that it does no good, because I will never change, I will always be a compulsive overeater, with a shopping problem, and a mental illness. I have always, and will always be weak.
When I was a kid my best friend and I came up with a phrase:
“Reality is too real for us, we live in the abstract”.
Looking at it with 30 or so years of knowledge I didn’t have then- it really was more like- our reality sucks, so we choose to wish/hope/dream of how it will be better “someday”.
But I think what I have learned over the past 2 years since my breakdown- for some people- someday never comes. For some people, it’s scraping by, barely keeping your nose above the water line forever. For some people- they’ll always wonder “what’s the point?”
And if all that isn’t enough- the school isn’t following the IEP as written for my oldest. Here we go. It’s giving me PTSD flashbacks of our last fight when he was in 3rd grade, and I don’t know if I have it in me. I don’t know if I can do it again…..
Saw Mary Poppins this week. She added another med to my list. A mood stabilizer… probably a good idea. Ive had 2 panic attacks in the past 2 days. It’s been a couple months since I had a full on attack. The craps hitting the fan again and I don’t know where to hide to dodge all the crap coming my way…..
Sorry for the downer post. I just can’t keep it in anymore….