I’m a Coward

I’m currently hiding in my bedroom with my dogs… I left my brewing tea downstairs… my son has a friend from school over. Someone I’ve never met. I’m so not cool with it.

Hubby is irritated with me because I’m “hiding”… but I see it as a form of self preservation. My OCD is at an all time high today. During church I had to use a antibacterial wipe on my shirt because the kid behind me touched my shirt. I had to shower because we went to church. I have changed 3 times since coming home because of different contaminants.

It seems like lately I have been in hand washing loops as I call them. I’ll wash my hands, get 5 paper towels, dry my hands shut off the water with said towels, open the door with the towels, shut off the light with the towels, throw the towels away- then have to start over and over again. Sometimes it happens right during DBT. There’s a sink in the room and I will just wash over and over and over.

I hate getting stuck in these loops. It’s irritating to my rational brain, and it makes me feel like a lunatic.

So yeah. I’m hiding in my bedroom. I can’t meet anyone new today.

I want what she has…

My daughter went into first grade in public school this year. I have homeschooled for the past five years. She did first grade at home last year but I just couldn’t teach her to read, or write her letters and numbers.

As it turned out she had an issue with her eyes that needed therapy weekly. She entered first grade without ANY sight words. She struggled writing letters correctly (she still does but it’s so much better). In January with interventions she made it to level 4/5. When they leave first grade they want them to be level 16-20. It was pretty clear my daughter would need summer school. Each week she inched along. About a month or so ago she was at a level 12. Which is AMAZING progress, but they were still recommending summer school.

I got an email from her teacher the other day, her final assessment put her at a level 16, 98% fluency and instructional level comprehension.

I could learn a lot from this soon to be 8 year old. She went from the bottom of the ladder in reading, so to speak, and with hard work and determination she got herself to the top.

She is one of the kindest friendliest child in the first grade. She helps her classmates with the subjects she’s strong in. She’s something special that’s for sure.

And she doesn’t give up. She’s strong. She must have a belief in herself to go from where she was to where she is.

I would be remiss to not also recognize the teacher and reading recovery teacher she had. They were AMAZING and both will be missed terribly. But without an inner drive, an inner strength, even with all the help in the world she wouldn’t have gone as far as she did. No one, not me, not her father, not her teachers expected her to catch up to the other students in a school year. She had eye issues, she was basically starting from scratch. But she surprised us all.

I want to be her when I grow up. I want to be the person who can be last in the race, keep on trucking and finish with everyone else.

She is my hero.

Disruption…

Nothing has changed in 23 years. Back then I was the disruption to my husband’s family. I was the one ruining it. I was told time and time again. At one point fairly early into our relationship, sometime after we were engaged but nowhere near our wedding, I tried to end it. If I was ruining his life I wanted to fix it… In the parking lot of a grocery store, I tried to end things and give him back the ring. I’ve never seen him more sad, and more hurt. He made me promise to never do that again. He assured me I wasn’t ruining their family.

If you looked at highlight reels from 1995 to 2018 you would see all the times I was a disruption, not good enough, not good enough wife, not good enough hostess, not a good enough mother to stop autism, ADHD, anxiety, bipolar in my kids…. the list goes on. But tonight my husband was told “mental illness is a ‘disruption'” specifically my mental illness. And I should be better now.

What? Like it’s that easy? I snap my fingers and I’m cured! But I don’t, so I must like being like this. Like not wanting to ever leave the house, like sleeping all day, like being stuck in OCD loops and feeling out of control. I must like being so sick of germs I’m afraid to hug my kids, or let them sit with me in my chair. Yes I enjoy it all… could you all feel the sarcasm dripping there?

It’s always been about this person, it will always be about this person and I will never measure up. This person has always known just where to sucker punch me.

Lack of Desire and Inability to Keep it Together….

First of all, been a while since I posted.  I haven’t been doing much lately.  I haven’t been drawing, or writing, or looking on Pinterest.  I go the appointments I have to go to, I go to baseball and lacrosse games when I have to, and I scroll facebook mindlessly for longer than I care to admit. I just have no desire/motivation to do anything anymore.  It sucks.  It just seems like nothing has been going right, and so I just feel BLAH.

As for keeping it together, we have 2 checkbooks and I can’t keep them balanced and with money in them not overdraft.  We are doing 2 different systems, cash like Dave Ramsay and debit cards.  It’s not working – we need to do one or the other. So tomorrow morning I have to go to both our banks and put some of our cash in so that everything thats floating in the ether will clear.

So yeah.

Struggles

Ha e you ever noticed when you are having a rough day/week that it seems like more and more and more crap piles on top making it and even worse week?

Tonight it was an argument with hubby about the fact I felt we are egging too much (what?). And an article on Facebook talking about how when our kids are infants and toddlers we think we will never be this tired again…. and then they become teenagers and the physical exhaustion we felt as moms of young kids is nothing compared to the mental exhaustion of having preteens and teenagers.

I have already been feeling the tug of Father Time on my family. The days of snuggles, and making them giggle with a silly face, them falling asleep in my arms, being their whole world, knowing everything (in their eyes)….all of it vanishes too soon.

Time is not fair. Our babies are little for such a short period of time- but the cruelest part? We don’t realize how short until one day they aren’t little anymore. And there’s no redo button. That time is gone in the blink of an eye. Soon they are sullen, eye rolling teenagers and school-aged no longer need you as much children.

This is just reason number 1000000000000 that I’ve cried today. I hate weeks like this- it’s like your brain searches for reasons to torture you….

I want to cut

I want to cut so bad. The urge is almost unbearable. But I have to wear short sleeves tomorrow in front of my nephews birthday party, then to dinner with my in laws. And then Tuesday I have an MRI on my hip so I can’t carve up my leg… they’d know….

I am just feeling so low today. I don’t even know why.

This too shall pass?

My Apologies….

Despite my best efforts to keep up with the blogs I follow, I haven’t been very good at it.  There are days I am barely good at getting out of bed.  Please forgive me, and know I am reading as often as I can, and you are all in my thoughts and prayers.