I need to vent….

If you don’t like what I put on my Amazon wishlist, if you don’t like the things that I WANT, then don’t buy off of it. Don’t complain about it, don’t get upset, just buy me the clothes you are going to buy me anyway.  Or better yet- just don’t buy me anything at all- I don’t care. I am sick of spending holidays with you anyway.  I am sick of the belittling comments, the things you say under your breath, the way you degrade me, and the way you judge me, my parenting, my decisions.  I wish I had the ability to tell you that you aren’t welcome in my home this year. I need a break from you and your bad attitude.

 

And so it begins….

Tomorrow we start with the first of our Christmas celebrations. We are going to my mother’s house.  My sister will be there with her husband and son, and hubby, big one and little one will be coming of course.

I always approach these days at mom’s with some trepidation and angst.  We are the black sheep.  My step-father likes to remind us of that every chance he gets.  He likes to bring up topics that he knows are going to irritate me.  They judge us, and our decisions.  We always have to do weird things- like this year we have to make a dish that is part of a Christmas song or story.  I am making sugar plums.  Part of me never wants to go- but the part of me that’s still a little girl and craves her mother can’t wait.  My mother suffers from crippling anxiety but pretends she doesn’t.  She gets me going and by the end of the night I am feeling like I have ran a marathon.

But I am going to do my best to not let them drag me in to the hot topics.  I am going to lay down the ball and not toss it back.  I am not mentally strong enough to volley with them.

I don’t know if I mentioned that I started a new antidepressant this week, my doctor told my husband to keep the bottle away from me because taken in too large of a dose it is fatal.  I suppose it doesn’t help that I told her that if I ever took my own life it would be with pills.  Everything else seems so messy, or painful.  I don’t like pain.  I really think she wants me to have a crisis eval, but honestly I do ok most days, it’s the days that big one is being particularly abusive, or days when my anxiety is out of control.

Going back to my earlier post about guilt- I feel guilty that I don’t call my father enough- even though he is the way he is.  I feel guilty I have depression/anxiety/OCD/PTSD and possibly a personality disorder- I have a living husband and two beautiful children (though they often drive me insane- which also makes me feel guilty).  It never ends.

 

 

 

 

 

Guilt

I am full of guilt all the time. Guilt when I inadvertently let a friend down, when I get irritated with my husband or my children, guilt because I gave up on homeschooling, because my house isn’t clean enough, I don’t read enough to my kids, I don’t take them fun places all the time- and the list could stretch to infinity.

But this morning my heart felt a tiny bit better. I brought little one to school and saw in passing her regular teacher, her title 1 math and title 1 reading teacher and I got the chance to chat with each of them for a couple minutes and each one of them separately said how well she’s doing, how much progress she’s made, and one of them said several times that she loves her. So while the guilt of being a homeschool quitter, and lacking the ability to teach her to read is still there nagging at me incessantly- it feels good to know I sent her to a place where the teachers love her.

Faking It

I hear it all the time- “fake it till you make it”.  And that’s what I have been doing the past couple months. Faking it.  And I think I do a pretty good job, only those closest to me know the truth.

In fact last week I was lamenting to my husband that I think all my friends hate me now, and that I don’t have any friends.  He told me that I am lost in my own head.  He’s right.  My brain never stops.

I am convinced I am doing everything wrong with my children, I am scared for Big One, he says he’s being bullied at high school, and his doctor’s and therapist say I need to let him try to work it out.  But I don’t want to, and I am worried about him.  I am worried he will be bullied so badly he will become a statistic- I almost did in high school, until I found a group.  So what if they were just 4 of the nerdiest boys in school.  I had a group where I could feel safe.  I want that for him.  Little one is reading now.  I should be happy right? Im not.  Im not happy because I didn’t teach her, I tried- oh how I tried.  But I couldn’t do it.

Sometimes I miss homeschooling, I miss my homeschooling tribe.  But I also know I am in no way capable of homeschooling at this point.  And may never be with Big one, and  Little one- she loves school. It would be selfish of me to not let her go.

I am tired of being sore.  My ankles are still sore and I am still in PT for those. And my hips still need help, I can’t sit criss-cross-applesauce.

I am concerned about finances.  We pretty much put this whole Christmas on credit. Not good.  I am praying with all I have that hubby gets his Social Security approval so we can pay down our debts.

I am not sure I like my new counselor, no particular reason I am just not sure I like her.

I am worried ( when I say, worried, concerned etc what I really mean is extremely anxious) about hubby and his medical issues.  He slept a good 8 hours last night and now he’s sleeping in his chair snoring- it’s 10:32am.

I am worried that this is as good as life gets.  I am sick of being poor, sick of hubby being sick (not because I am annoyed with him, but because I feel bad for him and me, we can’t do the things we used to), I am sick of Big One being emotionally and verbally abusive. I am sick of the way he and little one play off each other and fight.  I often consider running away, and have thought a lot about a crisis unit.

Basically my life is a mess.  A complete mess.  And I don’t know how to clean it up.

Until next time.

Haven’t Posted….

I know it’s been a while since I posted, things have been pretty crappy around here if I am completely honest.

I went through 6 or 8 ECT procedures- let’s just say THAT SUCKED.  I mean really really bad. It has made my anxiety WAY worse, my blood pressure has been elevated, my resting pulse is around 100.  I have had headaches and nausea.  It was way worse on days I had the ECT done, it was so bad they had to put meds in my IV to try to prevent these things before they happened- but it didn’t really help.

But the worst part of all of it (besides the increased anxiety because that’s really really bad I feel like I am dying sometimes), is what it has done to my brain.  My memory has been severely effected, and I struggle with word retrieval.  Sometimes when I am talking I have to ask people to be patient with me because I have to look for the word that I am wanting to use.

And what’s worse is that it didn’t help my depression at all. I am really feeling like there is very little hope left that I will ever get better. I feel like this is as good as it gets.

And this time of year money is always an issue, but it’s worse so with hubby out of work. And yesterday proved even more that he can’t work.  We got about an inch and a half of snow and he used a shovel to push it like a plow on about 1/3 of our (not very big driveway) and his back was killing him.  We are waiting on the an appointment for an EMG at a neurologist and the results of that to send to social security in hopes that he will get approved for his appeal.  If not we will have to get a lawyer. And since money is so tight it’s a credit card Christmas, and we have had to put some incidentals on cards too because we have been spending so much on gas to get to and from appointments.  Starting in January we are going to work hard to pay down our debt and hopefully he will get approved for disability and we will be ok.

I have been struggling with self esteem lately.  I have been convinced that none of my friends like me anymore.  I am eating like crap, and need to work on that.

I cry all the time.  I never used to cry and now I cry several times a day.  It sucks to be this sad all the time.

I did take little one to my sister’s house this weekend and we did some fun things.  I felt good to know that I did something with little one. I feel like because of my issues the kids haven’t gotten to do many of the fun things that we usually do this time of year.

Well I guess that’s all, my brain isn’t working well, and I am exhausted. Until next time, and hopefully it won’t be so long next time.

Ive been hiding, but had to share

Things have not been going well in our house. Big one is struggling socially at school and I am still struggling with depression and anxiety. I have been doing electroconvulsive therapy and it’s not helping it’s causing tachycardia high blood pressure migraines and severe anxiety. I’m going to do three more treatments and unless there’s a major change I’m done.

But I wanted to share this devotion I read this morning, it really hit home- I let guilt, shame, all those bad things hold me back.

http://info.proverbs31.org/when-your-rooster-crows-sharon-jaynes?ecid=ACsprvsc6UGaBwrdwDpNIc5ebJOuDZ35BZtgqLlflqNCakTF8sRjKhmHTfgIbW8Y_sUdQkktQxo_&utm_campaign=Daily%20Devotions&utm_source=hs_email&utm_medium=email&utm_content=58972095&_hsenc=p2ANqtz-9jUZ_I4UIBg-khYO5g5jSqlFE6WbS7BklWFbStmzzuDfzwZbOgOvuz4jBfCp8SrQ9XBw4Skj6OQinGY195BLEVgvUr3w&_hsmi=58972095

Treatment #5

Today was ECT number 5.  I don’t know if I feel any different – well that’s not true- I know that I have much higher anxiety, that I can’t remember hardly anything at all, big one came home talking about French class today and I couldn’t remember that he took French in school.  That’s something that happened long before ECT so it’s obvious that ECT is effecting more than just the current memories I am making- or not making as the case may be.

I guess I can see some differences, but most of them have an explanation- like I haven’t been as irritable with the kids, but 1. I am too tired to be irritable, and 2.  I just don’t have  the energy to be irritated.  It seems to me the those are symptoms of depression.  I don’t know. I was telling my new counselor yesterday that I feel like a faucet was shut off.  Not only do I feel numb much of the time, I am anxious and can’t remember anything.

But I am worried that I won’t know if/when the ECT is working.  I was talking to the Psychiatrist today about how long I have had depression, and if I am being honest I have been depressed on and off most of my life, even as far back as childhood, so would I even know what feeling good feels like?  And when my anxiety is elevated to this level (you know that feeling like before you have to give a big presentation? Or know you are in trouble? That pit in your stomach? I have that 24/7 lately.  And my anxiety is always louder than my depression.  In fact when I was first diagnosed depressed I didn’t believe the doctor, I thought I was just very very anxious with PTSD and OCD, but once I was finally getting my anxiety treated I saw the depression.  And I can tell you right now my anxiety is as high if not higher than it was when I started getting treated for it.  So it’s hard for me to see anything but that.

Well I guess that’s all, I am sure I had more to say but I can’t think of it, and my stomach is doing flip flops so I need to try to distract myself.

Until next time.