I’m Baaaaaack

It’s been a while I know.  I probably don’t even have any followers anymore.  So…

Where have I been?

The past couple months I have been really focused on therapy.  I have been seeing Princess Glitter Sparkle 1 hour a week for individual therapy, and 2 hours a week for group DBT (dialectical behavior therapy).  It has been good for me.  First, she is THE BOMB of therapists.  Best one I have ever had.  She is REAL, she is funny, she gets my humor, we laugh together, she’s gotten me to open up about stuff that’s hard.  She’s quirky and washes her hands a lot, so she’s a real person.  So all in all she’s awesome.  And I am so blessed to have found her.

I have also been reading a lot. I have been both reading and listening to audiobooks like crazy.  My goal for the year was 52 books, I have read 33 so far and am currently reading 4 more. Reading helps me escape.  But not just into my own head, but into a story, that for the most part makes me feel good (I try not to read sad things but there was one recently that had me in tears- but good tears).

Did I talk about Fat Camp (medical weight management)?  In case I didn’t- the dr was awesome.  She was nice, and listened to everything I had to say.  She was empathic and just nice- even if she was 15 pounds soaking wet, abut 9 feet tall, and looked like she was from Sweden. I met with the dietician, and while she was great, I just don’t know if I can do what they are asking of me – 1000-1200 calories a day, no carbs, put my body in ketosis and stay there, until goal “weight” which they wouldn’t tell me the ideal because they don’t want me focusing on a number (so why do they want me to weigh in every time???)- but here’s the problem, the hospital has decided after 8 years to cut the program.  So after August 24 I have no support. So….yeah… Have considered a couple other “do-it yourself” programs.  Anyone have long-term success with any? Comment here and let me know. The BEST thing about the program is they have this neat machine that you hook up to and breathe into for 10 minutes and it gives you your basil metobolic rate (basically how many calories you burn at rest) 1796 BTW.

I haven’t been leaving the house much.  Even prior to my surgery (will get to that in a minute).  I admit, I am not leaving the house much.  Only to things I ABSOLUTELY have to do- therapy, appointments for the kiddos etc.

I had surgery a couple weeks ago, the same surgery I had last summer on my left hip but this time on my right hip.  This time recovery hasn’t gone as smoothly.

  1.  During recovery I stopped breathing several times – this has never happened before, so they think I have apnea and I am waiting on a sleep study.  Fun.  It really solidified in my mind how big I am getting and the fact that I really need to do something about it.
  2. I developed DVT (deep vein thrombosis – a blood clot) in my surgical leg just under a week after surgery.  Thankfully hubby and I were paying attention to the signs, got to the dr and got treatment.  I will be on blood thinners for 6 months and I should be fine (though at increased risk for DVT again).  I was lucky the clot was below my knee (felt like a Charlie horse in my calf) because its much rarer for those to break up and go to the brain/lungs/heart.  So thank God for that.

In Other news:

  1. I am still napping a lot- but is it escapism or because Im not sleeping well because of  apnea (I wake up so tired, but I also can’t fall asleep at night) I think I have messed with my internal clock.

2.  In general, I am feeling a bit better about life.  I am not so down, and depressed. I don’t know when it happened, just one day I was like- “huh, doesn’t suck so bad today”.  That’s not to say I am 100% awesome everyday, most days I don’t think that everything sucks.

3.  Anxiety, OCD, and irritability are all in full swing.  But I can’t expect that they will go away anytime soon, and I guess that’s ok.

Mental Health Summary: Not everything sucks.  Still trying to isolate myself.  But things aren’t quite as bad as they were.

Everything else: Day by day.

So there you have it. Until next time (which I hope won’t be as long).

I want to cut

I want to cut so bad. The urge is almost unbearable. But I have to wear short sleeves tomorrow in front of my nephews birthday party, then to dinner with my in laws. And then Tuesday I have an MRI on my hip so I can’t carve up my leg… they’d know….

I am just feeling so low today. I don’t even know why.

This too shall pass?

Title…

I don’t know if I ever explained why I used the title I did for my blog.

I come from a community of people who are constantly telling me to smile. And well meaning people who tell me to “think positive”.

So, for the most part I hide my feelings inside.  I pretend everything is ok, even when my arms are cut up, or I have spent the morning crying.  It also refers to my signature move- stuff and avoid.

There is so much junk hiding in me, so many scars, and fresh wounds inside it would probably scare people away…. so those are “the things I hide inside”.

Even now, I have backslid in terms of depression, but I am keeping it hidden inside. No one knows I am constantly on the verge of tears, I am irritable and have a low tolerance for everything….

So Many Titles…

I had so many different ideas for what to title this blog. But none of them felt quite right.

First of all, I have been reluctant to post- (disclaimer: this part is about a comment on my blog- but has nothing to do with the poster of said comment, nor does it mean I am upset with the commenter)- because recently after a more positive post a comment was made that it was nice to see something positive posted. Immediately I clammed up.  I felt like “crap, people are sick of my problems”.  But In the end I decided to just take the comment as I know it was written- as a message showing happiness for my fleeting moment of positivity.

I struggle with constructive criticism, I over analyze what people say.  What everyone else thinks means more than what I think.

But I can’t hold this all in any more.  This has been a hard week.  I can’t give you a reason, because I don’t know. I have been sad and depressed all week.  Like major regression in my symptoms.  My OCD has been over the top- to the point that I offended a person in my DBT group because I moved my seat when I heard that she had been sick- and so I explained to the group if I do stuff like that, it’s me, not them.

And I’m just tired. So tired. Tired of this life.  It never gets better. It seems like I stand up and a big bully pushes me down, over and over.  And I am tired of getting up. I have tried so hard in the past month to try to do things to “make me feel better “.  But it doesn’t work.

And I have found that even dreaming about possibilities has it’s consequences.  I keep thinking about Marilla Cuthbert, and the things she used to say to Anne when Anne would let her imagination run wild, have romantic notions etc.  It’s not practical.  It’s not useful.  Never in my life has there been anyone who encourages me to dream.  They just point out the reality.  “I get it mom I will never be on star search” (6 or 7 year old me),  “I get it (insert name here) I am not as pretty as (insert name here)” (14-16 year old me).  “I know I will never amount to much dad”.  “I know I don’t shine mom”.  “I know I can’t manage money because I have a shopping compulsion- maybe it shouldn’t be my responsibility.”  “I know my bucket list will still be undone when I die”.

I get it.  This.  This is it. It’s never going to get better, and I will stop dreaming, hoping and wishing for it to get better. I see now that it does no good, because I will never change, I will always be a compulsive overeater, with a shopping problem, and a mental illness. I have always, and will always be weak.

When I was a kid my best friend and I came up with a phrase:

“Reality is too real for us, we live in the abstract”.

Looking at it with 30 or so years of knowledge I didn’t have then- it really was more like- our reality sucks, so we choose to wish/hope/dream of how it will be better “someday”.

But I think what I have learned over the past 2 years since my breakdown- for some people- someday never comes.  For some people, it’s scraping by, barely keeping your nose above the water line forever. For some people- they’ll always wonder “what’s the point?”

And if all that isn’t enough- the school isn’t following the IEP as written for my oldest.  Here we go.  It’s giving me PTSD flashbacks of our last fight when he was in 3rd grade, and I don’t know if I have it in me.  I don’t know if I can do it again…..

Saw Mary Poppins this week.  She added another med to my list. A mood stabilizer… probably a good idea.  Ive had 2 panic attacks in the past 2 days.  It’s been a couple months since I had a full on attack.  The craps hitting the fan again and I don’t know where to hide to dodge all the crap coming my way…..

Sorry for the downer post.  I just can’t keep it in anymore….

Fat Camp

I talked with my PCP about gastric bypass vs a. medical weight loss clinic vs doing it on my own again.  He wasn’t a proponent of the bypass- he says in 17 years he’s had 2 MAYBE 3 people who were ultimately successful with bypass.  I added “because they didn’t deal with what was making them eat”. And he agreed.  And there we go.  That’s my problem.  I don’t use food as fuel.  Well, I do, but that’s not it’s only “job”.  It gives me feelings of comfort, it is always there, never disappointing me, it doesn’t judge me, it doesn’t (in the moment) hurt me.  I control what I eat, when I can’t control anything else in my life.  Then there’s the fact that I am an addict.

Addiction to food is real.  And what’s harder is that you can get clean from drugs, alcohol, cigarettes (not saying it’s easy because I know better) and then never touch the stuff again.  I will ALWAYS have to eat.  I can’t live if I I don’t.  I can’t just walk away from my addiction.

Food has always been a problem- too much, too little, way too much….and I am bigger than I have ever been.  And part of me wants to change, but part of me doesn’t want to.  If I change who will I be?  What will I replace food with?  Will I never be able to have a cookie again?  Will I ever be able to have a normal relationship with food?  Hubby says he eats until he’s full, and stops.  I rarely do.  I eat till my plate is empty like I was taught. And if there’s dessert, it would be rude to pass- right?

I do feel hungry a lot though.  My belly growls, howls and makes itself known. So sometimes when I eat it is genuine hunger.

I don’t know I guess after so many failures I don’t see anything working/changing me permanently.

Any readers out there does gastric bypass with success?  What about a physician led weight loss program?

 

 

Some things I’ve been reading… while I avoid what I really need to write about

https://proverbs31.org/read/devotions/full-post/2018/04/12/bad-moments-dont-make-bad-moms

https://www.heartsintrueharmony.com/self-love/if-only-two-dangerous-words.html?s=14803

https://www.verywell.com/why-high-functioning-autism-is-so-challenging-259951?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=shareurlbuttons

Saw the Endocrinologist

So I saw my endocrinologist today. She was actually really nice. I was ready for her to read me the riot act. Instead she had some weight loss suggestions for me.

So I wrote out my entire story to try to figure out what’s best… so here it is- sharing it as a way to process it. Any suggestions please share them….

I’ve struggled with my weight all my life. I have had an eating disorder since I was in 4th grade. I compulsively overeat. I hide what I eat sometimes. I’m high school I became anorexic, I lost about 100lbs, and was down to 118lbs (and of course thought I was fat). After getting counseling, I maintained for about a year. I went to college in 1996 and gained a bunch of weight freshman year- like 45lbs. When I got married in 2000 I was 218 lbs. By the time I got pregnant in 2002 I was 225, I gained about 18 pounds with my pregnancy.

When my son was 2 years old I started eating better and working out so that we could do another IVF cycle with our frozen embryos. I got to 199, the cycle failed and a deep depression set in. I also had an IUD put in to stop continuous bleeding. I gained 35 pounds in 6 months, and turned to my “friend” food, as usual. In 2009 I was back up to 235. My sister was getting married so I did slim fast and got down just under 200 again. 2 months after the wedding I got a surprise – I was pregnant. I was around 235 when I delivered and stayed there from 2010 until Jan 2013. I was about to turn 35, my dad was 39 when he was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. I felt like I needed to make a change. I knew I was facing an uphill battle, food was my comfort. I had a great deal of stress in my life including the fact that my son had been diagnosed with Aspergers, anxiety and bipolar.

I started counting calories, and started the couch to 5k. Added spin classes, and kickboxing. I went from 235 to 143 – 8 pounds from the goal I set for myself. As usual I felt fat. I ran my last 5k in November 2013. My best time just over 30 minutes. It was about this time that my husband became sick with some mystery illness. He slept all the time, he hurt all the time. And in came my best friend – carbs, sweets, food. I quickly gained weight again and was around 190something. Depressed and hating myself. In July 2015 I started beachbodys 21 day fix. I did 5 or 6 cycles and was down to the 150s. By this time, my husband had been sick for almost 2 years, he was trying to make a go of it with his own business, so that he could control his work hours etc. But we were in the process of losing our home and our car.

And so that’s where my weight loss stopped. I am currently sitting at 254/256 pounds depending on whose scale you look at. The biggest I’ve ever been. I have been diagnosed with GERD, Autonomic Nervous System Dysfunction (long story on what that means but it was affecting my heart my resting pulse was ranging between 140 up to 160), major depressive disorder treatment resistant, recurrent, anxiety, PTSD, OCD, and unspecified personality disorder. I have PCOS and am prediabetic. My fasting sugars are always over 100. In the past year my A1C has gone from 5.2, 5.4 to 5.6.

Today I met with my endocrinologist and she expressed concern about the fasting numbers, the fact that metformin made me violently sick, and that A1C numbers are creeping up. She suggested I either enter a medical weight loss program at the local hospital with diet, exercise and potentially appetite suppressants. Or to see a bariatric surgeon. She is going to refer me to both places and wants me to make a decision.

I’m torn. Do I try it on my own again? Do I do the medical program (my husband says his concern when I leave the program I will go back to old habits- and he’s not wrong), or do I go for the surgery?

I’m scared about all the options. I have failed every time I did it on my own. But the surgery is a huge deal. And is this really the time to do this- when I’m going through so much psychologically? Or is this the best time- will it aid in my recovery? I plan on talking to my counselor about it all, but of course I will overthink this to death until then.

What to do….