Counseling (PollyAnna) Frustrates me…

So today was PollyAnna day.  It had already been a crappy day we found out that Big One needs glasses and he was NOT happy.  Then both kids had med management appointments, they tweaked both kids’ meds- big one is getting something that will help with his high anxiety, and little one is getting a long acting version of a med she’s already taking so that we ALL can have some sleep since little one comes in our bed every night at 2am.

After their med appointments I met with PollyAnna, she is a typical counselor who answers a question with a question and never spoon feeds you ANYTHING. This week we talked a lot about 1. avoidance….. how I was even avoiding her questions to the point that I didn’t remember the question.  2. Why I feel like everyone’ s happiness, success, sadness and failures fall on my head, that I don’t have that kind of control and 3. change.  Do I really WANT to change and what am I willing to do to change.

Im supposed to think about that this week.

  1. Do I want to/am I ready to change?
  2. What am I willing to do to change?

I asked her change what? What part? There’s much to change… and she said “how can I tell you what to change first?” Im like you are NO HELP.

And then what am I willing to do? I have no idea how to change, Ive been this way my whole life and so how would I know how to change. If I knew how to change I would have done that already.  How am I supposed to answer these questions if I don’t even know where to begin. So confusing. So hard.

I got groceries alone, and I am really thinking I need to disappear…

Hubby and I made a deal, if I did the grocery shopping he would wash all the eggs we had waiting to be washed. I agreed to the deal and then remembered he would have washed them all anyway. CRAP! But no takebacks. So off I went to Walmart.  As usual I put my reusable bags in the bottom of the cart whenI walked in so when my cart was overfowing (literally – we try to shop a month at time for things other than perishables)….So I had to dig through the cart to get those out. Fun times.  And I hate the way people look at me when my cart is overflowing. Take a picture it’ll last longer…. they probably do and I am on the people of Walmart site somewhere.  Once I finished Walmart I went to the local grocery store for meat. We don’t buy our meat at Walmart.

So I get home and one child ignores me and the other hollers at me.  I said maybe it would be better if I were gone.  And I wasn’t kidding.  I am so tired of being disrespected, not listened to, and ignored. I want to run away.  Part of me wants to go empty all our accounts and take off.  You know, I would settle for a full night, and full day alone in a motel with no one talking to me, no one bothering me, no one ignoring me. But that’ll never happen. So my next wish is to be sick or hurt enough to go to the hospital for a day or three.  Have meals brought to me, lay in bed and sleep as much as I want without people poking me awake.

Mary Poppins asked me about self harm the other day.  I told her I have been thinking about it a lot, especially since I can’t turn to junk food anymore if I am going to follow what the endocrinologist wants…. and I don’t want to end up like dad. But I told her I would be having my other hand done soon so I have to wait.  She joked that she was going to keep me scheduled in surgeries indefinitely …. I got plenty she could schedule- weight loss, skin removal, breast reduction, tonsillectomy, fix my other hip, lobotomy…ok that last one was a joke.

Im tired. And it’s not lack of sleep tired. I’m worn.  And I have to spend tomorrow with my mom and step dad. It’ll be the first time I have seen him since “the text”. My husband wants to punch him out… Thankfully I know he has more self control…. I hope.

 

What would you be if you weren’t a human?

Today I was getting gas before heading to see Mary Poppins, and the pump was running up higher and higher, I was watching a spider climbed down on her silk and I was thinking about how nice it would be to be a spider. It got me thinking about charlottes web. Charlotte had a job to do all she had to do was spin her web, and spin a new one every day untuntil it was time to lay her eggs and then she passed on. The babies grew in her egg sack hatched, and all but 3 flew off to make their own life, without the influence of a parent, their successes were their own, and their failures their own. And I was thinking about how much I might like to be a spider.  Just spinning my webs, day after day.

What I learned about Charlotte was she is an Araneus cavaticus.

Barn Spiders (Araneus cavaticus) are large, grayish, heavy-bodied spiders. This is one of the Araneus species known as “angulate”, a reference to the well-developed “shoulder humps”. On the underside of the abdomen it has a broad black band running down the center, the forward half bordered by two curving yellow lines, with a pair of yellow spots near the center of this band. Barn Spiders are found in the eastern United States from New England and adjacent Canada southwest through West Virginia to Alabama and Texas, but are generally more common in the northern part of the range. They often often build their webs around structures such as barns, bridges, arbors, fences, and porches, but have also been found beneath overhanging cliffs.

Adults of both sexes are densely covered with spines and hair-like bristles. The legs of the male are very long and thin and densely covered with long, thin spines. Body length is around 13 to 22 mm for females and 10 to 19 mm for males.

Orb webs are taken down (consumed) at the end of each night and rebult the next night. Most of the web is effectively solubilized and recycled by the spider (Townley and Tillinghast 1988).

This species is famous in literature as the model for Charlotte in Charlotte’s Web by the 20th century American author E.B. White.

But then I thought about all the people that hate spiders and the fact that I might get smooshed.

I thought about a maple tree.  Providing sap in the spring and gorgeous colors in the fall. But I could get chopped down and made into a piece of furniture, or a hardwood floor I suppose that wouldn’t be so bad….

I don’t know why I was thinking this, but it’s all I could think abut my entire trip to Mary Poppins office….

So what would you be if you weren’t a human?

 

 

How Did I Get Here?

Do you ever just look around at your life and wonder what the heck happened any how you got here?

I got the results of my thyroid etc tests.  Everything was perfect, even my TSH went from 4.08 to 1.82. My antibodies were negative, my adrenal was fine everything was perfect. Except it’s not.  That means all my problems are between my ears.

It’s sad to think that good news made me sad. I should be happy my thyroid isn’t shot, but I’m not.  That would have provided an explanation that went beyond psychiatric. But no. I couldn’t get so lucky.  I know that sounds ridiculous but without a medical explanation it is all psychiatric. That’s so depressing.

That’s all I have for now.

Working up a sweat

Last night was a BAD depression night. The OT had me really upset about little one’s worries, and all I could think was that the author of the email was right. I was ruining my children. Everything is all my fault. That I should just leave they would be better off without me.

So today I avoided in the morning- I napped and read. Then I had PT.  And I pushed HARD! I did the upright bike first as always and my goal was to do 1.75miles in 8 minutes on level 8. I know that doesn’t sound like much but remember I had hip surgery 8 weeks ago. And then it was the leg press machine, and I just really pushed HARD the entire hour session.  I was red faced and sweating. I have always found that when I am upset if I physically push myself I can stop myself from thinking a little bit at least.  The last 5 or 6 minutes she massaged the muscle that connects to my IT band and man it hurt so good.

After I got done with PT I got a text from my dad’s ex and he was being brought back to the hospital from the hotel.   He fell off the toilet and hit his head. And that he was finally agreeing to go to assisted living.  He called me later and I got more information. He fell off the toilet trying to reach his walker.  He not only hit his head but he fractured his hip :(. I am happy that he’s back in the hospital, but I don’t know if he’s healthy enough for hip surgery, for them to put in pins.  This means he missed dialysis today. I pray and hope this is a wake up call for him.

I know it was a wake up call for me. My endocrinologist wants me on 2000mg of metformin for my insulin resistance, and she wants me on the diabetic diet, and finally to lose 10lbs in 6 months.  My plan was to wait tilll month 5 and lose the 10lbs, but hubby put things into perspective, he said: “so you are going to do the exact thing that your dad does that makes you so angry?”. BURN. So today I started researching some protein shakes to help with snacks since I often turn to crackers, chips, cereal etc.  I will probably have to go back to yogurt, oatmeal, eggs for breakfast and quit the Cocoa Pebbles. I don’t want to end up like my dad. I want to live a life I can enjoy once my children are grown. So now in addition to getting mentally healthy I have to work on my physical health and well-being.  This may just push me over the edge, but we shall see….

Until next time….

Sick little one…..

For those of you with OCD you are either going to understand this, or the majority of you will read this and think I am a monster.

My youngest, my princess is sick. I have been saying for 2 days it’s strep but daddy wasn’t so convinced.  It being Friday I brought her in because I didn’t want to end up in the ER this weekend, and low and behold it’s strep. Mother’s intuition, there’s nothing like it.

Anyway I am walking a very fine line here. I really struggle when someone in my household is sick.  I feel compassion, but I have a very hard time caring for them because I am unhealthily afraid of their germs.  It’s almost as if I can see the germs passing around in the air, on my stuff. It’s like I want to pack a suitcase and run away until the illness has passed.  It’s been such a hard line. I want to pick her up and cuddle her 6 year old self, but my brain has a red alert sound going off.  It’s literally like fight or flight mode. I am wiping things down with Clorox wipes, I am washing my hands constantly, she brought me 3 blueberries yesterday and I washed them with antibacterial hand wipes before I would eat them. Yes, it has progressed that far. I won’t let her near my phone, I won’t touch her iPad.

In the end I will probably still end up getting strep, and I will survive it, and life will go on, no one will go up in smoke.  But I am literally shaking afraid of these germs floating in our air, waiting to jump on me from furniture, door knobs, sink handles. I wish I wasn’t like this. I wish I could just let her climb in bed with me, but I can’t. I can’t touch the remote until it’s been sanitized, I picked up her toys and immediately scrubbed my hands. I lost count how many times I have washed my hands today. This is a terrible way to live. But I don’t know any other way.  And really, it’s strep- not that big of a deal but my  brain works like this ebola is the same as strep is the same as the common cold. Literally. My brain is so broken.

Lest you all think I am a monster- I did tuck her in, cover her up, say our prayers, sing out special song, kiss her on the CHEEK and tell her I love her more than life itself- our nightly routine-altered only by the usual kiss on the nose and forehead….. but man I felt like I needed another shower. OCD I HATE YOU!

What to do…. and sometimes Submission is hard…

Submission in a marriage gets a bad rap.  It’s not what mainstream media would have you believe.  The woman is not a slave, she is not silent, she is not subservient.  The man is the head of the household, but they are partners.  But sometimes things can’t be agreed upon and unless it’s against the law, or a sin the woman is supposed to defer to the man- and let me tell you since becoming a Christian that’s one of my favorite parts.  I always had to make the tough calls, but now that hubby is saved he is the head of the household as well as the spiritual leader of our home. I can hand that hat to him. If you want to know more about what marital submission REALLY is, don’t read mainstream media, go to the source, check out Christian resources.  Men and women are equal partners, with different roles. Men and women are different for a reason.

Anyway all that to say, tomorrow is going to be a very long day for me. I have to drop big one at Church 35 minutes away by 8am, and at 11am not far away I see PollyAnna.  It doesn’t make sense to go home so I figured I would go to a coffee shop and read, or blog, or catch up on blogs, but hubby- STRONGLY suggested I contact a friend and visit for a while. I put it off until almost 10pm tonight, but I finally submitted and texted her. No response yet.  I won’t cry if she’s not available 😉

I also get to see the endocrinologist tomorrow. I am nervous and happy at the same time. I know we need to talk about the thyroid, but I also want to talk about my insulin resistance which is what she used to treat me for. I don’t want to end up like my dad in 18 years.

Today was a LONG day. I had PT, then went to Walmart for some necessities.  When I got home little one was too sick to go to the birthday party we had been invited to, so I went. It took some courage on my part to go and socialize AND be outside but I made it, and I enjoyed seeing my friends that I haven’t seen in a while. I am proud of myself.

My mom still hasn’t responded to my email and it’s making me extremely anxious, I want to know what she has to say good or bad.

I guess that’s about all for today. I am sure I will blog tomorrow. Wish me luck for my very long day ahead.

*update- friend texted back going to her house after I drop big one off**