Faking It

I hear it all the time- “fake it till you make it”.  And that’s what I have been doing the past couple months. Faking it.  And I think I do a pretty good job, only those closest to me know the truth.

In fact last week I was lamenting to my husband that I think all my friends hate me now, and that I don’t have any friends.  He told me that I am lost in my own head.  He’s right.  My brain never stops.

I am convinced I am doing everything wrong with my children, I am scared for Big One, he says he’s being bullied at high school, and his doctor’s and therapist say I need to let him try to work it out.  But I don’t want to, and I am worried about him.  I am worried he will be bullied so badly he will become a statistic- I almost did in high school, until I found a group.  So what if they were just 4 of the nerdiest boys in school.  I had a group where I could feel safe.  I want that for him.  Little one is reading now.  I should be happy right? Im not.  Im not happy because I didn’t teach her, I tried- oh how I tried.  But I couldn’t do it.

Sometimes I miss homeschooling, I miss my homeschooling tribe.  But I also know I am in no way capable of homeschooling at this point.  And may never be with Big one, and  Little one- she loves school. It would be selfish of me to not let her go.

I am tired of being sore.  My ankles are still sore and I am still in PT for those. And my hips still need help, I can’t sit criss-cross-applesauce.

I am concerned about finances.  We pretty much put this whole Christmas on credit. Not good.  I am praying with all I have that hubby gets his Social Security approval so we can pay down our debts.

I am not sure I like my new counselor, no particular reason I am just not sure I like her.

I am worried ( when I say, worried, concerned etc what I really mean is extremely anxious) about hubby and his medical issues.  He slept a good 8 hours last night and now he’s sleeping in his chair snoring- it’s 10:32am.

I am worried that this is as good as life gets.  I am sick of being poor, sick of hubby being sick (not because I am annoyed with him, but because I feel bad for him and me, we can’t do the things we used to), I am sick of Big One being emotionally and verbally abusive. I am sick of the way he and little one play off each other and fight.  I often consider running away, and have thought a lot about a crisis unit.

Basically my life is a mess.  A complete mess.  And I don’t know how to clean it up.

Until next time.

ECT #3? I think?

Sorry I’ve been away awhile, ECT is kicking my butt, and I have almost constant headaches and anxiety. I think today was my 3rd ECT. I know they said to expect memory loss but this is crazy. I apparently went to PT yesterday, I apparently was given exercises that I have absolutely no recollection of… I remember some things from yesterday. Then I couldn’t remember if I got hubby a birthday present for tomorrow and if so what it was. Finally I remembered. I still can’t remember some of the things that I got people for Christmas.

Not only does ECT give me memory issues but it gives me a splitting headache. And my anxiety level is through the roof. I hope that it works- because if it works it’ll all be worth it.

Its actually kind of scary to be honest. You go in and they start an IV which always seems to take them 2 sticks, and then you go back to the room, they put electrodes on your foot, your side, your chest, Behind your ears and on your forehead. After that they put and oxygen mask on you, tell you to breathe deeply as they inject your IV first with the stuff to put you to sleep, today it seemed to take a little longer for me to fall asleep and I was afraid I’d be awake but I fell asleep before they gave me the paralytic and the electricity. Then I woke up in recovery missing memories and with a splitting headache.

They gave me ginger ale and graham crackers and once I was wide awake they let me leave.

I have a few days off and back to it on Monday.

First ECT

I had my first ECT treatment today. I got to the hospital and the first thing the nurse did (well after I changed into their stylish gowns ha ha) was start my IV. After that the doctor came in and dida little bit of a physical just to make sure everything was good and they checked out the EKG I had last month.

After all that was done they brought me back to the OR. My question is this why is it that the OR is so much colder than the rest of the hospital. The ride to the OR it’s like it’s getting colder and colder and colder.

Once I was in the OR they put and oxygen mask over my face while they were talking and said that they were going to be injecting my IV and I say yes with something that burns as I felt the burn, at this point I could feel my soul start to fade and as I was drifting off I felt them put the ciff on my leg. The cuff was intended to be tightened so the medicine that they give you that’s the muscle relaxer won’t get down there and so only your big toe wiggles and that’s how they tell that you’re having the seizure.

The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room with a really bad headache and feeling nauseous and panicked because I didn’t know how my daughter got to school I thought we had left her at home alone keeping in mind she’s only seven this is a very disconcerting thought. I made the nurse, husband on his cell phone and find out, and he reminded me we had dropped her off at a friends house.

The next little while I was been to recovery trying to get rid of the headache and the nausea with Tylenol and Zofran after they felt that I was stable enough and awake enough they brought me back to my original room where I recovered for a little bit longer and they let me have ginger ale and graham crackers and after that I was free to go.

After we left the hospital I felt ok. I wasn’t happy and kitty but I also didn’t feel horrible. I don’t know it’s hard to explain maybe a little better- so I had hoped that this was working. But once I got home and all the meds wear off the overwhelming sense of doom, those butterflies in your stomach and the anxiety that makes me shake inside came back. Along with a headache so I’ve been taking Advil and trying to relax.

But wouldn’t you know this is the day my kids decide that it’s time for World War III. My next treatment is on Monday I will definitely update again after that.

One funny thing was when I was explaining to my daughter that I had surgery and she said where and I said on my brain she was like on your brain? and I said yes they put electricity into my brain and she said oh you mean like Frankenstein. I had to kind a laugh at that.

I’m lonely, I have no purpose, and I’m grinchy this year. 

Honestly the title says it all. I feel really lonely since the kids of gone back to school even though hubby is home he really I don’t know he just putters away at little things that need to be done.  

Since the kids of gone back to school I have no purpose no cause, for five years my career my everything was put in to educating them and suddenly I find I don’t know who I am without the labels that I had.

Today was Pollyannas last day, I decided to try out the therapist in the room next-door simply out of convenience and out of the fact that I wouldn’t have to step out of my comfort zone to search for one out of the facility. This was the first timeSince I can remember actually saying goodbye to somebody. I avoid it like the plague. When someone dies they just never existed or I just haven’t seen them for a while. But today I actually had to say goodbye and my heart is broken and I don’t even know why I didn’t like her that much I mean liked her well enough but I’m just not sure that we made any progress in in a year. I don’t like this closure thing and I’ve decided I don’t want to do it again. It sucks.

Today is November 7 usually by now has been a week of Christmas music blasting in my house 24/7.  I just can’t get into the mood this year my mom says put it on and I’ll get in the mood but there’s something holding me back I’m not sure what it is maybe it’s that I don’t want to not feel in the mood and listen to it because it’ll ruin it I don’t know I don’t know much Of anything these days. I wish the ECT people had called me back maybe that would’ve helped. Tomorrow I go and see about my two sprained ankle‘s and too bad hips and I’m convinced that they’re going to think I’m a hypochondriac but I’m not and physically in pain but they’re probably just going to tell me there’s nothing they can do I’m so tired of hearing that from doctors. I’m so tired of a lot of things. Like I have this new anxiety symptoms he comes on when I’m really upset or nervous and just feels like I just licked a 9 V battery now don’t tell me you never did that As a kid but it’s very unnerving when you didn’t like the battery in your body does that.

In case you Hadn’t noticed I feel like life is sucking pretty bad and when I had my yearly review at my med doctor and psychologists office today angle assessment she asked me how the past year was and I said it sucked and I gave her all the reasons that it sucked and it reminded me of how much my life sucks right now.

I guess That’s all for today I don’t really have much more to contribut.

Bye Bye Critical Thinking and Executive Functioning it was nice knowing you…

I haven’t been around much lately, I have been going to more doctors than I care to admit.  I think I mentioned I sprained my ankle last week falling off a step ladder, well this isn’t an isolated incident I have been having balance issues since my hip surgery.  So now that my right ankle is sprained my left hip (surgical hip) is taking all the weight and it can’t handle it… it’s not strong enough.  And to make matters worse they think my right hip has the same issue my left did, but we can’t do surgery until I “have a leg to stand on” basically.  So they are referring me back to the doctor I first saw at their practice and he will manage me non surgically and then when things are straightened out we will reevaluate surgery on my right hip.  Hello cortisone injections. What I really really want is some Percocet and sleep for a week.

I also saw the dr about the ECT.  And I was all set to start Monday but I really felt like I didn’t have any support in this – friends telling me to pray it away, well-meaning people telling me it’s awfully invasive. So I met with Mary Poppins and I decided to up my current meds, cancel the ECT and go from there.  After that I met with PollyAnna, which did I mention she’s leaving and now I am stuck finding a new therapist.  Hello abandonment issues I haven’t seen you in a while I missed you.  And I came to the conclusion while talking to her I want someone to tell me to do the ECT.  And I felt like I needed support that I wasn’t getting. And I thought hubby was against it, when it turns out he’s only against maintenance ECT.  So I called the place back and we will do itthe 2nd’ or 3rd week of November.

But now for the reason for this post. I have lost my critical thinking skills as well as my executive functioning skills. My sister pointed it out, and my hubby agrees.  I am slowly losing all the things that make me ME.  It’s like I am Michael J Fox on Back to the Future an I am beig erased from the picure….

And finally a changed diagnosis and a new one? I recently had a treatment plan and when I compared it to my last one Mary Poppins changed Major Depressive disorder recurrent episode moderate toMajor Depressive disorder recurrent episode severe.  Awesome.  Getting worse not better.  She also put ruling out unspecified personality disorder.  Awesome. That’s not something mananged with meds, that’s the fiber of your being – who you are.  How do I deal with that.  Im thinking I am dependent personality disorder though I do meet some of the criteria for Borderline.  Either way I am sick to death of not getting better but getting worse and worse.

Next time maybe I will talk about how I feel about PollyAnna leaving and the search for a new therapist.

What a Day!

My day started with Big One’s first day of public high school.  It seemed to have gone well, but it’s hard to tell with him.

Then I finally got my Dad on the phone I hadn’t talked to him in over a week, and I sort of miss his calls….. maybe not all of them…. but anyway he was irate, argumentative and and downright mean. Even going so far to say “do you really think that was the best choice” regarding sending the kids to Schoo… Even though he knows nothing of the gut wrenching heartache it was making that choice.

I was crying hysterically in the car… Got to counseling only to find out that my counselor is leaving and I only have 3 more sessions with her- PollyAnna is abandoning me like everyone else does.  Now I have to find another therapist…. or not.

After I left her office I was upset to say the least and I was headed out of town to meet with the Psychiatry department at the hospital for a consult for  my ECT  (electro shock therapy) treatments.  On the way there, I wasn’t “all there” the way many of us are when we have driving amnesia.  I was speeding, 70 in  55.  Ticket. $182. OUCH.  I will contest it to hopefully get the fine reduced.  I don’t really think I was going that fast but I didn’t argue. I took my punishment and off I went.

He took a pretty through history, had me crying some more, and spent a lot of time being quiet if I wasn’t talking and I told him it made me nervous when he was quiet.  He said because of my many failed meds, it would make ECT less effective, about a 50/50 shot it would work.  But he believes that just continuing to try different meds is a 10% chance. Not great odds any way you look at it. So I consented to the treatment.  He said some people, especially people with lots of trauma and with extended periods of depression (hello that’s me), sometimes never get better.   I looked at him and said so you are saying this may be as good as it gets- forever.  That forever I won’t want to die but I won’t want to live either? And he said it’s a possibility.  The thought of living like this for the next 50 years is even more depressing.

After I left there with my first treatment scheduled, I headed straight to OT, since I didn’t have much time to get there… I made it 5 mis or so late only to find out that my calendar – paper and electric were wrong.  This has been happening way too much lately. I can’t tell you how many times I have screwed up bills, appointments — everything in the past month or 2.  I told the dr I need a RAM dump.  I have given everyone a piece of me to take care of them and there is nothing left for me.

My brother made a comment about free time now that the kids are in school, and I said yeah right.  Screenshotted my calendar for October and his response was that they need 2 of me. SO SO SO true.  But I get the good half 😉

Tomorrow its treatment plan for the med cinic an then to see Dr. Handsome.  He will look at my left him but I have been having the same sorts of pain on the right side, I am falling a lot and have terrible balance, tripping on things, things I never would have done.

I don’t think I mentioned I fell walking little one home and sprained my ankle bad, on m good leg.  Which was already giving me trouble, so now my left hurts from compensating  to help my right hip and ankle.  I am so broken.

I know God has. a reason for this, but I hope this season is short.

Devastated….

Its been a couple days, and today I met with the kids med management doctor -let’s call her Julie Andrews. We started with big one, not much to say.  Things are about the same, we cut out his anti-anxiety medication since it wasn’t working and he was feeling manic but controllable.

But then it was little one’s turn. She saw her behavior- running all over the place, hyperactive, and defiant.  So she and I decided what meds to put her on, and then talked about the school thing.  And she talked me into it. I feel somewhat coerced, somewhat forced, but I just can’t let it go.  I don’t want to leave my baby at school.  I can’t imagine it.

I am worried she will end up like me, she’s so tender hearted- people will probably take advantage of her.  But as my counselor said that I am only looking at the bad “what-if” situations. What-if it goes well?

There’s no room in my head for that scenario. All the bad ones are swirling around in there, my brain is full, my head hurts, it pounds from crying so much, my eyes burn, and I have a stomach ache.

She starts school Monday.  Tomorrow I will go down with her, turn in the paperwork, and I will see if they let her see where the classroom is, where things are.  It might make me feel better.  She’s excited to go, I wish I could say the same thing.