Broke, broken, all the same to me.

I feel like a broken record when I come here and post.  I feel tired, that bone weary weighing you down tired.  I am sick of being broke.  I am sick of everything being so hard all the time.  I am tired of life in general. I am sick of being me.  We have 3 beater cars, all in terrible shape, and no money to fix them, but the are necessary to get to all our appointments etc.  I feel like we are never going to get out of this mess we are in.

Hubby talked to a lawyer last week and he said he couldn’t help him, but referred him to another firm that probably could.  That lawyer was supposed to call Friday, today at the latest…. no call. Of course.  This is just another hit.

I literally feel like I am being beaten with a baseball bat- thwap hit to the back, thwap hit to the gut, thwap to the legs and I fall, thwap, thwap, thwap.  I feel beaten and broken. I don’t know how much more I can take.  I know people say that all the time, but I am just so beat down.

We are due for a 2 day winter storm starting tomorrow- they already cancelled my counseling appointment for tomorrow morning, and I needed that SO BAD.  I have med management tomorrow afternoon and I am worried they will cancel that too.

Well I have to get my kids to bed so I can mope in peace.

What’s wrong with me?

So I mentioned my newest diagnosis, and I mentioned that I weaned off the amitriptyline in hopes that would help with the symptoms of the Autonomic Nervous System Disorder. However, it didn’t help.  And they have started me on a new antidepressant- Doxepim. I am on a very low dose. And ever since we have started the Doxepim 10 days ago I have been angry, irritable, sad, frustrated. I haven’t been the nicest person, nor the easiest to be around.

I am unhappy.  I am not content.  I am tired of living hand to mouth with no end in sight. I am on disability, my husband is waiting for his disability decision.  We will never have financial security.

And it really ticks me off that you can’t be honest with even your therapist or else she thinks you are on foot in the grave to offing yourself. So I am resentful- of pretty much everything and everyone in my life (with a few exceptions).  I am tired of this life.  So yes I fantasize about ways I could die.  Today’s version in my head has me walking out to the car, slipping on the ice, hitting my head and never “coming to” again.  But I can’t tell anyone that, they try to make me think “positive”, “look for the blessings”, and to that I say (and please let me warn you have to take off my Christian hat for a minute) go to hell. Seriously.  Shut up and leave me alone.  Just go away. Leave me alone with my intrusive, unhealthy thoughts. I don’t think I want to change right now. I think I am better off being miserable, because my life sucks, period, end of story.

And then. Then… get this. I get a call from my PCP’s office.  From “my doctor’s” nurse (I have been seeing a different doctor in the office.  And she says “we got the results of your halter and you had a normal rhythm with some extra beats here and there, but it was essentially normal ok?”.  And I was like ACTUALLY…I was in there last week, and Dr so and so, read the draft report and reported that my heart rate was 150 several times, and ranged from 120-150 most often.  And that my diastolic blood pressure is ranging from 87-117 and she diagnosed me with Autonomic Nervous System Dysfunction. And she’s like oooooh yeah I see that here.  Dr PCP may not had seen that before this came across his desk.  And then she proceeded to explain to me how to increase the meds etc. UM HELLO I thought you said I was fine?  Yeah I know Dr PCP blames it all on the fact that I am fat. This is also the same PCP that said a vitamin D level of 15 was just fine (I guess I should just die because I am fat. I am so angry and sick of this BS.

Why do I even bother.   Maybe I should just go off all my meds and just see what happens because I am done.  Nothing I helping anyway, and maybe if I go off the heat stuff my heart will just get to be as tired as I am and be done too.  I am just so exhausted, hopeless and done.

Yesterday at church my pastor was talking about “spiritual Sahara”, and that’s where I am right now.  He said when you are there hope evaporates and dreams die. I couldn’t have summed up my life right now any better.  My hope is dried up and dead, and my dreams are ran through a garbage disposal, put in a trash compactor, flushed down the toilet and sorted out with all the other solids in the waste water treatment plant.

Yes this is a pessimistic post.  Yes, its me throwing a pity party.  Yes its me being angry, resentful and tired of living my life.  But guess what, it’s my blog and I’ll bitch if I want to.



Another Diagnosis?


I went to my primary care doctor today to discuss the results of my cardiac halter monitor.  So when I got there, they did my blood pressure and my heart rate, my blood pressure was 122/90.  90 not good.  They left my heart rate monitor for a while- it went up and down and up and down, the lowest was 120 and the highest was 141… not good :(.  Then they had me sit in the exam room FOREVER— like 30 minutes. Finally the doctor came in and she had the “draft” of my cardiac halter results…. because the cardiologist hasn’t “finished it yet”. But she was able to give me the results.  She said there was A LOT of fluctuations in my heart rate all the time. Nighttime it would go down to like 63 occasionally, but during the day it remained over 100 and went as high as 150 beats per minute.

She asked me if I had ever been diagnosed with a couple different things (I hadn’t) and then she asked Insulin Resistance, and I said yes to that one.  I have had that for 21 years.  Anyway, so she said they aren’t POSITIVE because there is no one test that you can do and say “yep that’s it” but from my readings and my symptoms, the believeI have Autonomic Nervous Symptom Dysfunction (ANSD).  How she explained it was basically you have your fight or flight side and your rest and digestion side, and they are supposed to be in a very specific relationship.  And when you have this issue the transition from one to the other is choppy and not smooth.

From the little bit of reading I have done it appears this is a life long condition that the doctor’s basically help to control the symptoms but they can’t “make it go away”.  If they can find an underlying cause of the condition (Parkinson’s – I don’t have, Diabetes- according to my endocrinologist I don’t have (yet)) and thats all I can remember then they can control those conditions and the ANSD will get better.  What it seems though is that once the nerves are damaged the don’t heal.  And what’s even “better” is that anxiety with this is not a good combination- YAY! (NOT)

I asked if my ECT treatments could have caused this since my heart rate and my blood pressure didn’t go haywire till after that.  And she said it’s not out of the realm of possibility, but there aren’t currently any evidence to support that.  And looking at the symptoms, some of them I have had for years.  But it wasn’t until the heart rate issue that it became more of an issue.

I still have a ton of reading and researching to do, and I start a new med tonight… WOOHOO another one to add to the regimen. Apparently this is a big deal- there are support groups and some people get symptoms so bad they are disabled.  Fun fun fun. When will I catch a break??????



People in Poverty: A part of the general population of a given area, who do not have adequate resources to live fully independent lives.  These people tend to need help in the areas of Food, Healthcare, Education and sometimes even cash benefits (as in TANF-Temporary Aid for Needy Families).  Also a part of the general population that many people discriminate against, make unjust assumptions about, and have attitudes that cause those in a state of poverty shame.

This was my definition.  I didn’t look it up.  I spoke from my heart and my experience. My family is poor.  Am I ashamed to say that? A little. Am I ashamed when I pull out my electronic benefits card (EBT- not sure what the T stands for) to pay for purchases of food, or other things because we collect TANF?  Yes.

I am mentally ill.  You all know that.  I have recently added personality disorder to my ever growing list of mental ailments.  So that would be major depressive disorder, severe, recurrent, treatment resistant; OCD; PTSD; Trauma; Severe Generalized anxiety disorder. I can not work. There are days I can’t leave my house.

My husband is sick.  Do we know exactly what’s wrong with him? No. He has seen so many doctor’s but it always ends up the same, herniated disc at L5S1, some sort of cyst on his S2 vertebra, desiccation of the L4 disc. Fibromyalgia, migraine headaches, major depressive disorder, and I can’t remember the rest of the list. But it’s long.

My husband first became sick in Oct 2013.  He continued to get worse until June of 2014, when he was working at a car dealership as a mechanic and almost dropped a mustang off the lift.  It was at that point he realized he shouldn’t be working.  His exhaustion and pain were too intolerable. He went out on short term disability, and eventually lost his job.

We looked at the bright side of it, and he started his own business in January 2015, and tried really hard to run it all alone for 2 years 2 months.  He was successful, turning a profit each of those years, however, the pain and exhaustion worsened, the depression at his situation worsened, he herniated the disc, and in March of 2017 decided he couldn’t keep up and he closed the business.  This was a blow to us.  Financially of course, but also emotionally.  I still tear up when I drive by the place, or think about the stack of business cards he has.

Today he went to see a new rheumatologist.  She was rude, condescending, unaware of his medical history, and made snap assumptions.  Just because she never received a copy of his two most recent MRIs she basically told him he was a liar.  She told him that “chronic pain” is subjective and he should go back to work, and work through the pain.  This all within minutes of meeting him.  He feels she looked that he was on medicaid, and out of work and therefore poor and lazy.  She said he doesn’t have fibromyalgia despite the fact that she didn’t even examine him or do the pressure point test.  Despite 4 other doctors diagnosing him with fibromyalgia.

To say I was angry about this appointment is an understatement.  But there isn’t anything I can do about it.  There is nothing he can do about it.  I am so sick of the rhetoric that vilifies the poor.  We are not all lazy, free-loaders.  Some of us are fighting physical or mental battles that you can’t see.  You all know what they say about assumptions….

We are still waiting on the decision for disability.  We’ve been waiting for almost a year. I know this can be a long process, but after today’s visit we are discouraged and just want this all over.

I know I have said it before, and probably a lot lately, but this is not the life we planned for.  Not the life we imagined when we were two young starry-eye kids planning their future. Never did we think we would be poor, we didn’t imagine to both be disabled in one way or another, we didn’t imagine so many things.

We are trying to adapt, to find new dreams, but it’s hard in the face of the adversities we have encountered.  We are trying to just trust in God and His perfect plan.  But when you are kicked repeatedly and you are already down, it takes it’s toll.

And for me that looks like indulging in one of my three compulsions- self harm, spending money we don’t have or compulsively eating.  Today my drug of choice was self harm.  The insides of my lower arm are carved up.  Im not sure why physical pain helps when I am hurting so badly, but it does, for a little while. And now a several hours later, the anger has subsided some, but a deep rooted, soul-crushing sadness has overcome me. I wish that we would catch a break, we need it.

Catching Up

Another week has passed and I haven’t had the….. motivation to write. It’s been a really long week.  Monday was uneventful I think, I can’t even remember it.  But Tuesday was horrific.  Tuesday we had a snow day because of the impending weather- snow, ice, freezing rain…fun fun fun.  I had an appointment to meet my new counselor, who I am already trying to come up with a name for… I also had a PT appointment, YES I am STILL in PT for my ankle sprains. So ridiculous how long this is taking to heal.

Anyway, my med doctor A.K.A. Mary Poppins had asked me to call on Monday with how I felt after her upping my Amitriptyline, at that point I had a 200mg bedtime dose and a 50mg dose in the A.M. I told her that I thought maybe I wasn’t quite so depressed, but I also couldn’t stay awake and that my heart rate was still through the roof (it was 129 at my last appointment with her).  Her nurse called me on Tuesday AM and said Mary Poppins wants you to cut out my morning dose, and call my PCP about the heart rate, and to callback on Friday telling her how I felt. So I called my PCP and explained what was going on.  They had me come in immediately. My resting pulse when I got there was 130 beats per minute. Then they did an EKG and they tell me that was normal except for the heart rate- and though I am not a doctor, they were comparing my EKG I had for surgery clearance a couple months ago to the one that day and to my non-doctor eyes thinks it looks much different but I have to trust they wouldn’t tell me it was fine when it wasn’t.  The next step was blood work, CBC and complete metabolic panel.  They called me Wednesday, blood work all came back fine- so it’s not an underlying illness causing this.

The next step is that I have to wear a cardiac halter for a couple days, they want to measure my heart activity day and night and see the trends. I go for that on Monday. Once those results come back? Who knows.  Am I scared? Definitely.  I have other symptoms, tightness in my chest, light headedness, breathlessness.

I let Mary Poppins know yesterday since I was in her office for something else yesterday, I also gave her a copy of my lab work. She told me to cut my nighttime 200mg dose down to 150mg and call Monday to tell her how I am feeling.  I just took my pulse before I started writing this and it was 136- Just sitting here in my recliner. It’s concerning to me. They were trying to give me information but all they did was successfully make me even more anxious- they said the danger of my heart being this time all the time is that my heart muscle will wear our and I will be at increased risk for heart attack and stroke.  Great! Tell the woman with severe anxiety that she might drop dead.

Needless to say I missed my appointment to meet my new counselor(way to make a first impression). Of course I called twice keeping them updated where I was at with my PCP.  And I cancelled my PT for that day.  The weather was horid and I didn’t feel much like going out again.

So what’s causing my heart to race like this?  Well there are three possibilities- 1. a reaction to my amitriptyline.  That would be a simple fix, stop that medication- however I have exhausted the search for a med that helps with the depression, this marginally did something, but we were working on upping the dose so it could help with the anxiety and hopefully kick this depression out. So it would stink to go off this medication.  But hopefully Mary Poppins has more stuff in her never-ending bag. 2.  Anxiety.  This would be a simple and my preference.  We can medicate the anxiety- I have been feeling anxous – no panicked- constantly, except that my heartt symptoms could be giving me a false sense that I am panicked. The 3rd option is my least favorite, that there is something wrong with my heart. THAT scares me, A LOT. Between this, and my oldest having a cold, my OCD is in overdrive.  Yesterday hubby touched my hand when he was handing me something and I had to wash my hands…I stripped our bed, showered twice, I just couldn’t stop.  It was a forceI couldn’t stop.  I was panicked and jumpy all day. It was NOT fun.

I just took my pulse after I finished that paragraph it was 152.  Sitting here, in my recliner typing and listening to Christian music. But I could feel a tightness in my chesst so I wanted to check it. And it was just as I feared- WAY too high. I hope we have answers soon.

And as if all of that wasn’t enough- hubby hurt his back AGAIN, his herniation still isn’t better, and he was walking our daughter home from school, he stepped in a hole and now his back hurts where it consistenly hurt, but now it also hurts higher up- he went for an MRI yesterday and we will see what the results of that are.

Our family just can’t seem to catch a break.  We are definitely facing trials in all parts of our life, but we have faith God will hear our prayers and give us peace with it all, because God is good all the time, and all the time God is good.

Until next time….

Faking It

I hear it all the time- “fake it till you make it”.  And that’s what I have been doing the past couple months. Faking it.  And I think I do a pretty good job, only those closest to me know the truth.

In fact last week I was lamenting to my husband that I think all my friends hate me now, and that I don’t have any friends.  He told me that I am lost in my own head.  He’s right.  My brain never stops.

I am convinced I am doing everything wrong with my children, I am scared for Big One, he says he’s being bullied at high school, and his doctor’s and therapist say I need to let him try to work it out.  But I don’t want to, and I am worried about him.  I am worried he will be bullied so badly he will become a statistic- I almost did in high school, until I found a group.  So what if they were just 4 of the nerdiest boys in school.  I had a group where I could feel safe.  I want that for him.  Little one is reading now.  I should be happy right? Im not.  Im not happy because I didn’t teach her, I tried- oh how I tried.  But I couldn’t do it.

Sometimes I miss homeschooling, I miss my homeschooling tribe.  But I also know I am in no way capable of homeschooling at this point.  And may never be with Big one, and  Little one- she loves school. It would be selfish of me to not let her go.

I am tired of being sore.  My ankles are still sore and I am still in PT for those. And my hips still need help, I can’t sit criss-cross-applesauce.

I am concerned about finances.  We pretty much put this whole Christmas on credit. Not good.  I am praying with all I have that hubby gets his Social Security approval so we can pay down our debts.

I am not sure I like my new counselor, no particular reason I am just not sure I like her.

I am worried ( when I say, worried, concerned etc what I really mean is extremely anxious) about hubby and his medical issues.  He slept a good 8 hours last night and now he’s sleeping in his chair snoring- it’s 10:32am.

I am worried that this is as good as life gets.  I am sick of being poor, sick of hubby being sick (not because I am annoyed with him, but because I feel bad for him and me, we can’t do the things we used to), I am sick of Big One being emotionally and verbally abusive. I am sick of the way he and little one play off each other and fight.  I often consider running away, and have thought a lot about a crisis unit.

Basically my life is a mess.  A complete mess.  And I don’t know how to clean it up.

Until next time.

ECT #3? I think?

Sorry I’ve been away awhile, ECT is kicking my butt, and I have almost constant headaches and anxiety. I think today was my 3rd ECT. I know they said to expect memory loss but this is crazy. I apparently went to PT yesterday, I apparently was given exercises that I have absolutely no recollection of… I remember some things from yesterday. Then I couldn’t remember if I got hubby a birthday present for tomorrow and if so what it was. Finally I remembered. I still can’t remember some of the things that I got people for Christmas.

Not only does ECT give me memory issues but it gives me a splitting headache. And my anxiety level is through the roof. I hope that it works- because if it works it’ll all be worth it.

Its actually kind of scary to be honest. You go in and they start an IV which always seems to take them 2 sticks, and then you go back to the room, they put electrodes on your foot, your side, your chest, Behind your ears and on your forehead. After that they put and oxygen mask on you, tell you to breathe deeply as they inject your IV first with the stuff to put you to sleep, today it seemed to take a little longer for me to fall asleep and I was afraid I’d be awake but I fell asleep before they gave me the paralytic and the electricity. Then I woke up in recovery missing memories and with a splitting headache.

They gave me ginger ale and graham crackers and once I was wide awake they let me leave.

I have a few days off and back to it on Monday.