Devastated….

Its been a couple days, and today I met with the kids med management doctor -let’s call her Julie Andrews. We started with big one, not much to say.  Things are about the same, we cut out his anti-anxiety medication since it wasn’t working and he was feeling manic but controllable.

But then it was little one’s turn. She saw her behavior- running all over the place, hyperactive, and defiant.  So she and I decided what meds to put her on, and then talked about the school thing.  And she talked me into it. I feel somewhat coerced, somewhat forced, but I just can’t let it go.  I don’t want to leave my baby at school.  I can’t imagine it.

I am worried she will end up like me, she’s so tender hearted- people will probably take advantage of her.  But as my counselor said that I am only looking at the bad “what-if” situations. What-if it goes well?

There’s no room in my head for that scenario. All the bad ones are swirling around in there, my brain is full, my head hurts, it pounds from crying so much, my eyes burn, and I have a stomach ache.

She starts school Monday.  Tomorrow I will go down with her, turn in the paperwork, and I will see if they let her see where the classroom is, where things are.  It might make me feel better.  She’s excited to go, I wish I could say the same thing.

 

Am I the only one?

Am I the only one who feels. Like they are failing at this parenting thing?  Am I the only one forgetting to extend grace and yelling instead?  Am I the only one who often dreams of running away- but knows she’d miss her kids and husband too much? 

I have had a bad couple weeks. Depression is weighing me down like an anchor. Anxiety, OCD and intrusive thoughts run my life. I am severely lacking in short term memory….. so much so my sister noticed. 

Shouldn’t I see some improvement? It’s been like 9 months. And nothing, worse if anything. I’m so sick of being like this. Mood swings, anger, sadness, apathy, panic… what’s it going to take to make it go away?????

Scratched the itch to feel the burn…

On the way to PT I needed some release. I’m feeling – well I can’t even describe what I am feeling grumpy doesn’t really do it justice. I’m in a a low place, and my brain seems to want to go to places I don’t want it to go.

Like the last time I had my “old” husband, how he was before he got sick, before we lost our house, our car, before little one started having issues, before I had my breakdown. We live fairly close to the mountains.  And I won a weekend away 2 nights in a hotel in a touristy town in the mountains. 3 years ago in October. We hiked, we walked, and hiked some more.

Just a couple of the beautiful scenes we saw….

 

It was a hike we won’t ever be able to do again.  It was a trip we won’t be able to repeat. I have sweet, memorable moments, and some weird ones too but I still feel sad when I think of the trip, it was probably the best trip we have taken in our 22 years together.  I wish I had known it would be the last of it’s kind.

Hopefully we will have other trips and adventures, if his disability is approved without it, life will be hand to mouth forever. But Im getting ahead of myself. That’s too much for today.  Hubby is off getting an xray because now he has neck and shoulder pain, combined with pain and tingling down the outside of his arm and numbness in his 3rd, 4th, and 5th fingers, unrelated to activity so it’s not carpal tunnel. He can just be sitting in the chair and they go numb.  So something else to worry about….

Worry, worry, worry, that’s all I do.

What a difference 5 years DOESN’T make…

I was asked and accepted to help in the infant room for our church's MOPs group. We get mostly toddlers but the occasional infant comes in and that's my happy place.  Well a friend captured a pic of me holding the infant this week. 

2017

When I looked at the pic I thought to myself – I remember seeing a picture like that before…. so I went back through my pics and found this

2012

and directly in the middle of that is this

2014

I look at all three pictures and I hate the person in each one. She's not happy, she's not where she should be, she's no one and no where.

Thats how I feel about myself…. like I am a placeholder for the real me that's going to show up someday.  Is that normal? Don't answer that's rhetorical- I know it's not.

My dad and I had a horrific conversation yesterday that included him telling me he's going to wind up hating me if I am not complicit in him not following doctor's orders and  trying to live on his own with 1 leg, half a hand, a replaced hip, brittle diabetes, the need for dialysis 3x a week after proving over and over he is unable to care for himself.

And as for me, we are coming up on the anniversary of my breakdown and I am getting more and more anxious and more. and more upset that nothing has changed.  Im not better.  Part of me wants to stop all my meds and self medicate with vodka and weed.  I won't, I have seen in family members what happens if you do that….but a girl can dream of washing her sorrows down with a shot of zyr vodka, a couple percocets and a bowl of the best weed….

I scratched yesterday.  Im finally finished with all my dr visits and surgeries, it felt so good…..sooooo good.

 

 

Stuff

Today was a weird day.  Started with a visit with PollyAnna, which is always “fun”.  Someone left 2 peanuts in their shells in the bathroom on the sink and I couldn’t stop trying to figure out why someone would do that, why not put them in your pocket? Why bring them in the bathroom? Why leave them? So PollyAnna and I walked downstairs mid session for me to remove them, so I would stop thinking about them.  So I used paper towels to pick them up and then I had to do my hand washing ritual- which includes 5 paper towels, no more no less. No idea why. We went back up stairs and now my concern was what if someone realized they forgot their peanuts and went back for them and they were gone?  What if they were upset. PollyAnna assured me if someone left peanuts in the bathroom they probably weren’t expecting them to still be there.  Which brought up hand dryers. They are a NO GO. I feel like everyone’s poop smell and flatulence air is being blown on my hand.  At this point she literally laughed. I know she thinks I am nutty, with all the rules I have especially the ones that don’t make sense but I can’t help it.

Then I went to see Mary Poppins. I lost 2lbs since seeing her last, not as much as I would like but it was a loss at least. We talked about my meds and what’s working (not much) and what isn’t (most everything).  So she has decided to discontinue the oxycarbazipine and do a low dose lithium.  But when hubby went to fill it apparently there is an interaction between lithium and metformin and it can cause spikes and valleys in your glucose level, so tomorrow I will call the endocrinologist (who I need to come up with a name for), and see if she thinks I should test my sugars – if yes FUN! NOT!

I didn’t get my nap today, I really wish I had, but I did get to finish the audiobook I was listening to- The Memory of Us.  It was a good story set in England at the start of World War 2. But sometimes I wanted to strangle the main character through the book.

I know there was more on my mind, but I can’t seem to remember now.  So until next time.

Counseling (PollyAnna) Frustrates me…

So today was PollyAnna day.  It had already been a crappy day we found out that Big One needs glasses and he was NOT happy.  Then both kids had med management appointments, they tweaked both kids’ meds- big one is getting something that will help with his high anxiety, and little one is getting a long acting version of a med she’s already taking so that we ALL can have some sleep since little one comes in our bed every night at 2am.

After their med appointments I met with PollyAnna, she is a typical counselor who answers a question with a question and never spoon feeds you ANYTHING. This week we talked a lot about 1. avoidance….. how I was even avoiding her questions to the point that I didn’t remember the question.  2. Why I feel like everyone’ s happiness, success, sadness and failures fall on my head, that I don’t have that kind of control and 3. change.  Do I really WANT to change and what am I willing to do to change.

Im supposed to think about that this week.

  1. Do I want to/am I ready to change?
  2. What am I willing to do to change?

I asked her change what? What part? There’s much to change… and she said “how can I tell you what to change first?” Im like you are NO HELP.

And then what am I willing to do? I have no idea how to change, Ive been this way my whole life and so how would I know how to change. If I knew how to change I would have done that already.  How am I supposed to answer these questions if I don’t even know where to begin. So confusing. So hard.

I got groceries alone, and I am really thinking I need to disappear…

Hubby and I made a deal, if I did the grocery shopping he would wash all the eggs we had waiting to be washed. I agreed to the deal and then remembered he would have washed them all anyway. CRAP! But no takebacks. So off I went to Walmart.  As usual I put my reusable bags in the bottom of the cart whenI walked in so when my cart was overfowing (literally – we try to shop a month at time for things other than perishables)….So I had to dig through the cart to get those out. Fun times.  And I hate the way people look at me when my cart is overflowing. Take a picture it’ll last longer…. they probably do and I am on the people of Walmart site somewhere.  Once I finished Walmart I went to the local grocery store for meat. We don’t buy our meat at Walmart.

So I get home and one child ignores me and the other hollers at me.  I said maybe it would be better if I were gone.  And I wasn’t kidding.  I am so tired of being disrespected, not listened to, and ignored. I want to run away.  Part of me wants to go empty all our accounts and take off.  You know, I would settle for a full night, and full day alone in a motel with no one talking to me, no one bothering me, no one ignoring me. But that’ll never happen. So my next wish is to be sick or hurt enough to go to the hospital for a day or three.  Have meals brought to me, lay in bed and sleep as much as I want without people poking me awake.

Mary Poppins asked me about self harm the other day.  I told her I have been thinking about it a lot, especially since I can’t turn to junk food anymore if I am going to follow what the endocrinologist wants…. and I don’t want to end up like dad. But I told her I would be having my other hand done soon so I have to wait.  She joked that she was going to keep me scheduled in surgeries indefinitely …. I got plenty she could schedule- weight loss, skin removal, breast reduction, tonsillectomy, fix my other hip, lobotomy…ok that last one was a joke.

Im tired. And it’s not lack of sleep tired. I’m worn.  And I have to spend tomorrow with my mom and step dad. It’ll be the first time I have seen him since “the text”. My husband wants to punch him out… Thankfully I know he has more self control…. I hope.