“Best of Intentions?”, “Homeschool Part 2?”, or “Really?….No Crap?”

Which title fits this post the best? You decide.

I had big plans to write here more often in 2019.  I planned to chronicle my crawl back to … I don’t know where.  Maybe just my crawl forward…. but as always life gets in the way. First we went on a family vacation- which was nice.  It’s been a long time.  Then there was getting back into the swing of things, and finally last week was the week of appointments with a snow day smack dab in the middle of the week. Fun.

Last week… ugh.  Started bright and early Monday morning with an appointment with the endocrinologist who officially diagnosed me with type 2 diabetes.  Meds, meter, set me up with an appointment to see the nutritionist, have I heard of Keto?, lose weight.  (insert eye roll).  Tuesday morning saw Princess Glitter Sparkle- yes still seeing her, still loving her, though she did suggest I keep a gratitude journal (ugggghhhh fine… but I don’t have to like it– yes I am wicked pissy lately).  Then straight to Big One’s counselor who expressed his concern about Big One’s depression- we are too, trying to get a handle on what will help.  A short lunch break and off to Little One’s counselor.  I was sure making the rounds that day. (insert BIG eye roll here).  Wednesday plans (more appointments) came to screeching halt with a snow day…. yay?!?! Thursday trip to see the ENT for a hearing test referral to HOPEFULLY get to the bottom of the ringing in my ears that is threatening to put me in the looney bin faster than my life will.  He said it’s either hearing loss or… wait for it…. who the heck knows why ringing and either way there may or may not be anything that we can do for it??!?!?! If there is significant hearing loss I can fix it or live with it.  And if it’s unknown reason well I have to live with it. (Gosh I love being me).  After that went to Mary Poppins.  Still love her.  She wants to keep on keeping on regarding meds for now.  Im good with that.  Something stable right?  After her I met with my case manager – I need to come up with a name for her.  She drives me crazy.  I don’t think I like her.  Of course it could be that she handed me a big packet of articles about exercise, weight loss etc.  (bang head on wall).  Final visit rounding out the week was my urologist.  I’ll spare you the gory details, but his parting words were- “any extra weight we carry makes things worse”

I GET IT ALREADY IM FAT I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT.  I get it.  I do.  I know that losing weight will make certain medical things better.  But I just can’t seem to get motivated to do that.  I want to say I need to get my head in order but really will there ever be a time where my head is in order and I am ready to lose weight? Who knows.  I KNOW I need to be the “no excuses” girl I was 5 years ago.  Sometimes I wish I could find her again.  Though I will admit there were things about her that I could live without… but that’s a topic for another day.

So let’s see that covers “Best of Intentions” and “Really?….No Crap?”… onto Homeschool Part 2.

I already mentioned we were going to be homeschooling Little One.  We started that last week in the midst of appointment-hell.  It went well so far.  She’s been happy to do her work, and seems to be enjoying what she is studying.  But Friday night things came to a head with Big One.  He’s been struggling… socially horribly all year… and it’s affecting his mood- obviously – he’s so depressed (as I mentioned above), and it’s affecting his grades.  Not cool.  He’s getting an F and a C-.  Not cool at all.  But Friday he got an email from his co-leader of the club he started at school, basically telling him that he was no longer a leader because he didn’t do enough behind the scenes things, and moreover that they weren’t friends anymore…. for basically all the issues that a child with Autism has—- self preoccupation, not thinking about how others are feeling, etc etc etc.  HE CANT HELP IT.  I wish I could scream that from the rooftops.  HE CAN NOT HELP THE WAY HE IS. We have worked on this stuff for… forever…. there is only so much we can do.

I don’t get it, with all the talk these days about tolerance, acceptance etc why is it ok for people to not be that way to people like him?  I can’t even.

So Friday night he got this email, and he lost it.  He yelled, he screamed.  He said he wouldn’t go back to school and he didn’t care who we called- crisis, the police he didn’t care.  But worst of all?  He sobbed and sobbed.  Uncontrollably.  My baby boy just shut down and cried.  I haven’t seen him do that in years.   YEARS.  My heart broke, and I wanted blood.  Of course I told him he didn’t have to go back to a place that has done this to him.

Insert note- I may or may not have had a PTSD moment bringing me back to my sophomore year when I was the child sobbing- into my pillow- and wishing I didn’t have to go back—

So we have been researching Charter Schools, but it’s hard mid-year.  So we may be homeschooling him for the remainder of the year as well as Little One.  That will bet interesting with my 4 classes.  But I know God will get us through it all.  But all I know is that I WILL protect my kids, no matter what.  And if that means discomfort for me, so be it.  I will take a much harder hit to my mental health if something were to cause my son to do something drastic… or even if he continued to be so unhappy.  So judge me if you will.  Some will.  Some will say I made the wrong decision.  Some will say he needs to be in school to get used to the “real world”.  And to them I say- until you have seen your 15.5 year old son turn into a little boy rocking in your arms crying and sobbing, don’t judge me.

Until next time- (which I hope is sooner rather than later)

I want what she has…

My daughter went into first grade in public school this year. I have homeschooled for the past five years. She did first grade at home last year but I just couldn’t teach her to read, or write her letters and numbers.

As it turned out she had an issue with her eyes that needed therapy weekly. She entered first grade without ANY sight words. She struggled writing letters correctly (she still does but it’s so much better). In January with interventions she made it to level 4/5. When they leave first grade they want them to be level 16-20. It was pretty clear my daughter would need summer school. Each week she inched along. About a month or so ago she was at a level 12. Which is AMAZING progress, but they were still recommending summer school.

I got an email from her teacher the other day, her final assessment put her at a level 16, 98% fluency and instructional level comprehension.

I could learn a lot from this soon to be 8 year old. She went from the bottom of the ladder in reading, so to speak, and with hard work and determination she got herself to the top.

She is one of the kindest friendliest child in the first grade. She helps her classmates with the subjects she’s strong in. She’s something special that’s for sure.

And she doesn’t give up. She’s strong. She must have a belief in herself to go from where she was to where she is.

I would be remiss to not also recognize the teacher and reading recovery teacher she had. They were AMAZING and both will be missed terribly. But without an inner drive, an inner strength, even with all the help in the world she wouldn’t have gone as far as she did. No one, not me, not her father, not her teachers expected her to catch up to the other students in a school year. She had eye issues, she was basically starting from scratch. But she surprised us all.

I want to be her when I grow up. I want to be the person who can be last in the race, keep on trucking and finish with everyone else.

She is my hero.

Homework

Princess Glitter Sparkle, much like PollyAnna assigns homework.  I told her this week that inside her isn’t blood it’s glitter. She’s just -glitter.  There’s no way else to describe it.  She’s glitter in people form.

So she asked me to draw what I want to look like inside- and this was the result..

fullsizeoutput_b55TR5a7nzGRgC3+k83qTlxxQqFOxd2xARPqE9uZp3D0DZwsFw76sneQBG2wfUnH7dqtw

Envy.

I get it. I know that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. I know the grass is greener where you water it. I know all the platitudes.  But for today, I am going to let this emotion define the moment.  Envy is real.  Envy is a negative emotion, I get that.  But I can’t lie and say I don’t have envy in me.

Several people close to me are planning trips to see Mickey Mouse, others building their dream house, others the craft room of their dreams, still other making PRs in 5Ks, Half Marathons or Marathons.  Yes I know people show their highlight real.  Yes, I know that God has a purpose for my life, and I am right where I am supposed to be.  But sometimes you just have to acknowledge that your life sucks right now.  That you don’t have your crap together and you are 40.  That you can’t do the things you want to do.  That you are stuck.  I feel trapped.  I feel like things will never get better.  Like I am on a street and no matter which way I turn, no matter what street I go down, I get no where.

I am preoccupied with the thought that at 40 years old I am no where near where I thought I would be.  And the rest of me is preoccupied with my kids growing up.  We are talking driver’s ed, college, with big one, and little one turns 8 soon.  Eight is a big kid.  It won’t be long before she is tired of toys and dolls.  Everytime I think about the passage of time I am reminded of a line from Star Trek Generations:  “Someone once told me that time is predator that stalks you all your life”.  I agree. I wish there were a way to freeze time now and then.  It would make the unbearable days more bearable.

Im really struggling this week.  I probably should’t have written that all out.  But my heart hurts, physically hurts in my chest. I feel broken.

 

“What is it you truly desire?”

The title is a line spoken in a prime-time FOX show called Lucifer.  Im not going to get into the details of the show, if you are interested, google it.  It really is a good show.  However, Lucifer- the devil, has this power where he can look someone in the eye ask them that question and he will find out the true desires of their heart.

I need a little of that. I was thinking while I was on a walk yesterday…. I’m unhappy.  I am not content.  I am sad/angry/anxious/depressed; BUT what would it take for me to change those feelings?  What is it that I want?  What will make me happy, or at the very least “content”?

I feel as though my some of my circumstances are out of my control- our precarious financial situation for one.  The daily stress of one kid on the autism spectrum (albeit high functioning) , ADHD, with bipolar, anxiety and sensory processing disorder, and the other ADHD, anxiety and quite possibly ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder).  I can’t change that.  I can’t change that my husband is sick and can’t work, which leads to the financial insecurity; a vicious circle.  There are so many other factors in my life that I feel like are obstacles to happiness/contentment.  But then- is there a way to be happy/content with the current situation? Im doubtful – how can you be content when you’re insecure about the future because of finances, because of your own mental illness, because of your husband’s illness?

So I ask again- what is it I truly desire?

Answer:  I have no earthly idea.

I joined the club…

Today I joined the elite club…. the forty club, the big 4-0 as in cresting the hill (but not quite over it).  In the past decade my body has been preparing for induction into the club with grey, white and silver hair, with wrinkles, and sagging, and most recently bifocals and cataracts.

For months I have been dreading forty; like it was the end of the world as I knew it.  And yeah, I’ll admit it kinda sucks to think that THIS is as far as I have gotten at forty, but at the same time I have accomplished some things worth recognition.  I have two beautiful children, who are smart, funny and amazing- each in their own way.  I have a marriage that after almost 18 years of marriage, and 23 years together is stronger every day.  I have a brother and a sister that I adore. I have a best friend that I admire, who makes me want to be a better version of me.  I have other friends too, friends who care about me, especially when I don’t care about myself.  I have a counselor who I love. And I have finally given her her name- Princess Glitter Sparkle.  (My husband coined it, and I told her about it.). We have sat with it for about a month or so now and she said there’s just no denying it- it suits her.  And in the past decade I also discovered my faith again.  I have a relationship with God.

So yes, while in the past couple of years it seems like the crap has hit the fan, and I have a hard time seeing the good past the crap, I do have some really good things in my life.  On the especially crappy days I need to come back and read this list.

Here’s to hoping 40’s beats the pants off 30’s.

 

How old am I again?

I actually got a lot done today.  More than I have in a while and more than I intended.  After the kids were at school hubby and I went back to bed to nap.  We really need to stop staying up so late.

I got up around noon, him around 1.  While he was sleeping I ended up cleaning our toy room.  It looked like toys r us threw up in there. I knew it would be too much for little one to clean so I had to put my own lack of motivation aside and get it done since little one was supposed to have friends over tomorrow.  Turns out we decided to go over there instead, and then I found out that my mother in law was coming over tomorrow so we had to cancel that too.  But hey at least the toy room is cleaned.

So later on I was talking to my mom, she’s stopping by because she owes me some money, and they were going to take measurements for a door for little one’s room, and take the too big door we have and my stepfather is going to cut it to fit… anyway, so I told her- “please don’t make fun of me when you come, my Christmas decorations are still up”.  Dead silence on the other line.  More silence.  So I said “I’m serious, please don’t make fun of me”.  The next thing she said was “It’s Easter.” I said, “Well, we’re celebrating his birth and death at the same time”.  Then we changed the subject.  I sat in my chair, looking around at the decorations that have been up since November…. almost 6 months.  I felt ashamed.  I felt like my mother was silently judging me.  That tomorrow she would look at me with disgust, pity, disappointment.  I couldn’t stand it.  So I took them down, and packed them away.  All I could think was – here I am less than 2 weeks away from my 40th birthday and my mom can still get me to do things I don’t want to, with just a little mom guilt.

It’s hard to believe that no matter how old you get you need and want your mom, and her approval. I think I recently mentioned that I asked her if she was disappointed in my life and the person I had become, and she told me that she was “disappointed in the fact that I didn’t have the support I needed to ‘shine'”.  It’s been weighing heavily on my mind.  In fact I wrote a poem about it.  The first poem I have written since 1995.

I think that had a lot to do with why I took the decorations down.  I can’t have another thing that she is disappointed in me for.  She already blames me for the fact that my kids have issues that need medication.  And logically I know it’s not my fault, but when your mom is disappointed in you- you can’t help but take it personally.

Ah well, tomorrow should be interesting, hopefully everything with my mother in law goes well… it tends not to.

Remember this weekend is the epitome of love. There is Someone who loves you so much, unconditionally, He calls you beloved. All you have to do is call His name, ask Him into your life, and make Him your Lord and Savior.

For God so loved the world, that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Happy Easter to everyone. Remember- spoiler alert- the tomb was empty that Happy Easter morning. ❤️