Do you ever pour your heart out into a post and never post it? Just save it to a draft and stuff the feelings down? I do.
I don’t know if I ever explained why I used the title I did for my blog.
I come from a community of people who are constantly telling me to smile. And well meaning people who tell me to “think positive”.
So, for the most part I hide my feelings inside. I pretend everything is ok, even when my arms are cut up, or I have spent the morning crying. It also refers to my signature move- stuff and avoid.
There is so much junk hiding in me, so many scars, and fresh wounds inside it would probably scare people away…. so those are “the things I hide inside”.
Even now, I have backslid in terms of depression, but I am keeping it hidden inside. No one knows I am constantly on the verge of tears, I am irritable and have a low tolerance for everything….
Princess Glitter Sparkle, much like PollyAnna assigns homework. I told her this week that inside her isn’t blood it’s glitter. She’s just -glitter. There’s no way else to describe it. She’s glitter in people form.
So she asked me to draw what I want to look like inside- and this was the result..
The title is a line spoken in a prime-time FOX show called Lucifer. Im not going to get into the details of the show, if you are interested, google it. It really is a good show. However, Lucifer- the devil, has this power where he can look someone in the eye ask them that question and he will find out the true desires of their heart.
I need a little of that. I was thinking while I was on a walk yesterday…. I’m unhappy. I am not content. I am sad/angry/anxious/depressed; BUT what would it take for me to change those feelings? What is it that I want? What will make me happy, or at the very least “content”?
I feel as though my some of my circumstances are out of my control- our precarious financial situation for one. The daily stress of one kid on the autism spectrum (albeit high functioning) , ADHD, with bipolar, anxiety and sensory processing disorder, and the other ADHD, anxiety and quite possibly ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder). I can’t change that. I can’t change that my husband is sick and can’t work, which leads to the financial insecurity; a vicious circle. There are so many other factors in my life that I feel like are obstacles to happiness/contentment. But then- is there a way to be happy/content with the current situation? Im doubtful – how can you be content when you’re insecure about the future because of finances, because of your own mental illness, because of your husband’s illness?
So I ask again- what is it I truly desire?
Answer: I have no earthly idea.
I feel like a broken record when I come here and post. I feel tired, that bone weary weighing you down tired. I am sick of being broke. I am sick of everything being so hard all the time. I am tired of life in general. I am sick of being me. We have 3 beater cars, all in terrible shape, and no money to fix them, but the are necessary to get to all our appointments etc. I feel like we are never going to get out of this mess we are in.
Hubby talked to a lawyer last week and he said he couldn’t help him, but referred him to another firm that probably could. That lawyer was supposed to call Friday, today at the latest…. no call. Of course. This is just another hit.
I literally feel like I am being beaten with a baseball bat- thwap hit to the back, thwap hit to the gut, thwap to the legs and I fall, thwap, thwap, thwap. I feel beaten and broken. I don’t know how much more I can take. I know people say that all the time, but I am just so beat down.
We are due for a 2 day winter storm starting tomorrow- they already cancelled my counseling appointment for tomorrow morning, and I needed that SO BAD. I have med management tomorrow afternoon and I am worried they will cancel that too.
Well I have to get my kids to bed so I can mope in peace.
I’ve been doing my best to “hide” at home leaving only when I HAVE to. I legitimately do not understand why people have such a fit over that. Why do I have to go to social events if they are only going to make me feel worse? Why do I have to be around others (even friends and family) when I’m just going to have to pretend all is well when it really is anything but? Why is it so bad to close myself off from a world that’s harsh, bright, and cruel at times?
As long as I am fulfilling my obligations to my appointments and my kids appointments, then I think I should be able to hide in my house where I’m comfortable, where the germs are my own and my family’s, where I don’t have to paste on a smile and pretend everything is “ok”.
So does anyone know “why”?
Here we are days away from a new year…. a fresh start? I think that’s poppycock. I will be the same person with the same problems on January 1st that I had on December 31st. I think New Year is just another stupid holiday that makes people set unrealistic expectations of themselves for the next 12 months. And I admit in the past I have been no different…. some of my previous “resolutions”
I will lose weight
I will lose weight
I will lose 50lbs
I will lose 100lbs
I will work out
I will run a marathon…
And the list could go on and on. Well I tell you right now it’s all a bunch of BS invented by weight loss companies, exercise equipments companies, the food industry, the gyms….
And I still fall prey to the whole thing. I’ve been thinking I need a generalized goal – like find joy. And then the steps I need to take to get to that destination of joy… of course I need to figure out what gives me joy…. and then come up with ways/things that will bring me there. And to be honest it all sounds like too much work.
Honestly, I think my goal for 2018 is to make it through it. And the only way to do that is to take it one day at a time. Do I have goals? Sure. I want to read more books, I read/listened to 31 this year, I’d like to make it 52 this year. And I would like to try to knit again. But I am going to put that in the maybe column. Other than that, I can’t make goals…. because goals like weight loss, exercise, budgeting I always end up failing at, and it makes things worse not better.
Maybe this all sounds like a big ole pity party, and maybe it is, but I have been thinking a lot about it lately as I have been seeing all these posts about “New Year, New You” on Facebook. No I won’t magically wake up as someone new on New Years Day, and if I could it would be someone in her 20s, who is thin, without gray/white hair, no mental health issues, happy, comfortable financially – not rich just comfortable, debt free, and ok with who she is… heck know who she is. How’s that for unrealistic.
Blah. That’s all I can think right now. I feel like crap.