Mundane life….

Lately it seems like every day is like the one before.  The new med the endocrinologist put me on makes me sick, I either nauseous or have gastro issues.  I can’t even remember what happened the past couple days. Well, with the exception on yesterday.

Right now we are in school prep mode, so I am trying to gather all our curriculum and clean the school room, that became a junk room over the past year because we schooled at the table, but hubby wants to separate the kids- probably a good idea. I don’t have much energy to get it done.  The old me would have had it done weeks ago, and school planned till Christmas. I will probably end up doing all my planning last minute.

Yesterday, I was scheduled to go see my mother, sister, brother-in-law, nephew and step-dad. I was going to wear the snarkiest shirt I have “Im real good at making bad decisions”, but after I did my quiet time and read my Bible, the Holy Spirit prompted me with an article on how to make WISE decisions and one of them was “does it glorify God?” So, I unpacked my snarky shirt and wore a plain purple one.   I went with the intention of not discussing the email, and to go with a spirit that Jesus would have, of love, forgiveness and reconciliation.  And as always God’s way was the best way.  The BBQ went fine, the kids had fun, the email was not brought up and life moved on.  That’s not to say I didn’t want to point out how different my kids were this year since last year, but I resisted the urge.  It wasn’t easy.  But I made it through the day.

Tomorrow, I get to go see Dr Handsome for my 9 week follow up on my hip surgery. A very long drive which I am having anxiety about. But I have to go, and little one has OT so hubby has to take her to that.  Im not really sure what he will do at this appointment, or what he tell me I am allowed to do.  I am pretty certain that my other hip has the same issue but, it also could have to do with the fact that I have overcompensated the other hip.  So I will probably wait a while to make sure it’s not just that.

My anxiety has been somewhat high lately, and I haven’t been as diligent at taking my valium and I have been getting chest pains, pains that wrap around my whole body and hurt into my back. I need to be better at taking them, because obviously missing them is really affecting me.

Working up a sweat

Last night was a BAD depression night. The OT had me really upset about little one’s worries, and all I could think was that the author of the email was right. I was ruining my children. Everything is all my fault. That I should just leave they would be better off without me.

So today I avoided in the morning- I napped and read. Then I had PT.  And I pushed HARD! I did the upright bike first as always and my goal was to do 1.75miles in 8 minutes on level 8. I know that doesn’t sound like much but remember I had hip surgery 8 weeks ago. And then it was the leg press machine, and I just really pushed HARD the entire hour session.  I was red faced and sweating. I have always found that when I am upset if I physically push myself I can stop myself from thinking a little bit at least.  The last 5 or 6 minutes she massaged the muscle that connects to my IT band and man it hurt so good.

After I got done with PT I got a text from my dad’s ex and he was being brought back to the hospital from the hotel.   He fell off the toilet and hit his head. And that he was finally agreeing to go to assisted living.  He called me later and I got more information. He fell off the toilet trying to reach his walker.  He not only hit his head but he fractured his hip :(. I am happy that he’s back in the hospital, but I don’t know if he’s healthy enough for hip surgery, for them to put in pins.  This means he missed dialysis today. I pray and hope this is a wake up call for him.

I know it was a wake up call for me. My endocrinologist wants me on 2000mg of metformin for my insulin resistance, and she wants me on the diabetic diet, and finally to lose 10lbs in 6 months.  My plan was to wait tilll month 5 and lose the 10lbs, but hubby put things into perspective, he said: “so you are going to do the exact thing that your dad does that makes you so angry?”. BURN. So today I started researching some protein shakes to help with snacks since I often turn to crackers, chips, cereal etc.  I will probably have to go back to yogurt, oatmeal, eggs for breakfast and quit the Cocoa Pebbles. I don’t want to end up like my dad. I want to live a life I can enjoy once my children are grown. So now in addition to getting mentally healthy I have to work on my physical health and well-being.  This may just push me over the edge, but we shall see….

Until next time….

The Day the OT Broke my heart….

So little one had OT today.  Little One wanted me to come in but I really want her to gain some confidence in that area so I told her I would be in in a while but never came in.

At the end of the session little one likes “talk time”, and her OT today told me she thought it would be a good idea that little one get a therapist or a counselor; because her “worries” are bigger than they should be for a girl her age. She worries about the fact that she wants to marry the boy that lives next door but she’s not allowed to play with him (we aren’t thrilled with their family but we allow them to play- it’s their family who have an issue), she also said “mommy hasn’t reached all her dreams”.  That broke my heart. Why should she worry about me. She’s almost 7, she needs to worry about what she’s going to play with next.  She is so my mini-me. Worry, worry, worry.

So on the way home I called where big one goes to counseling, and got the ball rolling for a therapist. I hope it doesn’t take long. My poor baby.

What to do…. and sometimes Submission is hard…

Submission in a marriage gets a bad rap.  It’s not what mainstream media would have you believe.  The woman is not a slave, she is not silent, she is not subservient.  The man is the head of the household, but they are partners.  But sometimes things can’t be agreed upon and unless it’s against the law, or a sin the woman is supposed to defer to the man- and let me tell you since becoming a Christian that’s one of my favorite parts.  I always had to make the tough calls, but now that hubby is saved he is the head of the household as well as the spiritual leader of our home. I can hand that hat to him. If you want to know more about what marital submission REALLY is, don’t read mainstream media, go to the source, check out Christian resources.  Men and women are equal partners, with different roles. Men and women are different for a reason.

Anyway all that to say, tomorrow is going to be a very long day for me. I have to drop big one at Church 35 minutes away by 8am, and at 11am not far away I see PollyAnna.  It doesn’t make sense to go home so I figured I would go to a coffee shop and read, or blog, or catch up on blogs, but hubby- STRONGLY suggested I contact a friend and visit for a while. I put it off until almost 10pm tonight, but I finally submitted and texted her. No response yet.  I won’t cry if she’s not available 😉

I also get to see the endocrinologist tomorrow. I am nervous and happy at the same time. I know we need to talk about the thyroid, but I also want to talk about my insulin resistance which is what she used to treat me for. I don’t want to end up like my dad in 18 years.

Today was a LONG day. I had PT, then went to Walmart for some necessities.  When I got home little one was too sick to go to the birthday party we had been invited to, so I went. It took some courage on my part to go and socialize AND be outside but I made it, and I enjoyed seeing my friends that I haven’t seen in a while. I am proud of myself.

My mom still hasn’t responded to my email and it’s making me extremely anxious, I want to know what she has to say good or bad.

I guess that’s about all for today. I am sure I will blog tomorrow. Wish me luck for my very long day ahead.

*update- friend texted back going to her house after I drop big one off**

Things were brighter for a couple days…

This Friday, Saturday and Sunday weren’t too bad.  Emotionally speaking I was somewhat stable- though I did nap on both Saturday and Sunday. But today, Monday, it’s back to real-life, which means back to real feelings.  I don’t even really get the difference- except that we had school today.  So maybe it’s getting back into the routine of homeschooling that’s making things so rough.  But little one hit a wall at noon time with Daddy, and Big One is having his fit now.  I am in my room on a very important call and I can hear him screaming through the floor. Anyone who thinks that homeschooling is easy – immediately let that thought out of your head.  But they aren’t even arguing about work- they are arguing about his 20 minute activity with his sister.  It’s a 20 minute span of time where she gets to choose a (from a prior approved and discussed list so that he doesn’t have to play dolls, or dress-up), where she is in control of the activity and gets to make the choices.  This is to 1. give them some time together- supervised because she always wants to play with her big brother and 2. for him to have to learn to play how other people want to play and not always direct the activity/environment. He HATES this.  I am actually glad I am on the phone in my room doing an over the phone meeting, rather than deal with his screaming. Raising children with disabilities is hard. Raising kids period is HARD. So when PollyAnna asks me this week why I wanted to nap I am going to have to be honest and say so that I didn’t have to parent. Yes, that sounds terrible. But it’s true. Somedays I just can’t handle life, and I really can’t handle the hard, so once school is done, I clock out.  And I rest.  Homeschooling is worth it, and its especially evident by seeing that little one hits a wall at noon.  And Big One can’t stay on task for more than 5- MAYBE 10 minutes.

And it might sound awful but I am glad hubby is out of work.  It takes some of the pressure off of me.  We can share the homeschooling.

Big One’s worker told me today that she isn’t going to be able to fulfill all her hours this fall. He’s supposed to get 20 hours a week, she will be able to do 15 max.  I had to make the tough choice- do we find a worker that can do 20 hours, or keep her at 15 and hope that next semester she can do the 20? It’s also in the back of my head that she’s going to get overwhelmed with her schedule and not be able to do that either. We will have to see what happens.  I trust that God has a plan in all of this.

Well, off the important phone meeting now I head down and have a meeting with big one, big one’s worker, the scheduling supervisor and the field supervisor.  Wheee fun. And tomorrow it’s another trip to the big city, this time for fun, but still another 2 hours each way in the car…….

Scraps of Love

A couple blog posts ago I wrote how pathetic I felt, that my desire to be loved I would accept any scraps of love offered to me.

Several people commented that I wasn’t pathetic, and a litany of wonderfully nice comments were left.  But the biggest push was from my husband.  He said that one of the things he admires most about me is my ability to love people despite their flaws.  I thought a lot about this.

It’s not me accepting scraps of love because I am pathetic, it’s me accepting and loving the person where they are, how they are despite their flaws, despite their incapacity to love the same way.  This was a revelation to me last night when I had gotten off the phone with my father.  I said “bye, I love you”.  And when I clicked end call, something clicked in my brain. I meant it.  I love him. Despite the years of abuse.  Despite letting me down time after time.  Despite rejecting me over and over.  I still love him. And this doesn’t make me weak or pathetic, it makes me more like Jesus.  I am following the commands he gave to love my neighbor, to honor my parents.

When I had this revelation about myself, I felt better. I realized that meeting people where they are, not having expectations of people they can’t give, frees me from the pain of unfulfilled expectations, it frees me to love people the way I want, and accept the love they are able to love me.

I did this with my mom several years ago, it was through therapy that I realized I was expecting things from her that she can’t offer.  And when I let go of those expectations our relationship changed immensely.

At this point I don’t know where our relationship stands because of the text and the follow-up email I sent to her. I am really hoping that she will understand where I was coming from in the email, and that we are still in a good place.

She hasn’t replied to the email, but she said she would reply eventually, until then I will be nervous, and pray that her reply is positive.

Until next time.

Mom Guilt

As I sit here with my steaming cup of tea and my comfy sweatshirt and afghan, since it’s starting to get chilly here at night (chilly by my standards it’s 59 degrees F/15 degrees Celsius hubby would say it’s gorgeous), I have been thinking about “Mom Guilt”.  All the women reading this that are moms know what I mean.

It’s that nagging feeling that you are doing everything wrong, that you could be (or should be) doing XY or Z better.  Or when something goes wrong or our kid does something we aren’t proud of we blame ourselves.  When they are falling behind, or can’t master a skill we blame ourselves. Their failures are because of us, and their successes are pure luck it seems.

I was thinking about that in terms of little one’s eye issues.  I have spent the past 2 years berating myself that she still wasn’t able to recognize all her upper and lower case letters, couldn’t write them all, couldn’t read.  Some people told me, “she’s still young, give her time”, others urged public school was the answer.  But I listened to my gut, I worked, I tried, I cried, I blamed myself, then I got an OT eval, got the eye referral, and got answers. And surprise surprise it’s not my fault. I don’t have to feel guilty that my almost 7 year old can’t read.  That she struggles with writing and recognizing letters.  This condition also effects behavior, so that’s not all my fault either.

It’s so freeing to know it’s not my fault, that there is nothing I could have done to prevent it, and there is a fix. I feel like one of the elephants have removed themselves from my chest. I feel vindicated, because this issue would not have been picked up at a public school eye screening, most school OT programs, and not even at her regular eye doctor exam.  This was found because I followed my gut that there was something to this, and I persisted. I don’t need to feel guilt, I need to feel success. I need to feel confidence in my abilities and my decisions.  I need to stop letting others opinions on my abilities, my parenting and my decisions make me waver in what I know is best for my children.

Even in my “altered” mental health I still know what’s best for my children, and I love them, and have more stake in their future than any other person- save themselves and their father- in the world.

We moms need to ban together, and ban mom guilt.  It’s the whisper of Satan in our ear.   Our enemy wants us to doubt ourselves.  He wants us to doubt our abilities, our standing as daughters of The King. We need to stand firm in His word and His promises.  He lent us the children we have because we are the best woman to do the job for the children He has sent, we need to remember that, and own that.

***I am feeling a bit of confidence tonight so I decided to write this to remind myself of it the next time I doubt my decisions, my standing in Christ, my abilities, my decisions and when I let Mom Guilt creep in again***