875+

875 cuts on my arms.  Plus “NO 175” carved on the soft inner skin of my right arm. 175 2 Times on my right arm and 175 3 Times on my left.  One set of 175 to count the number of days little one has school. 1 set wasn’t enough.  2 wasn’t either.  I had to keep going like a compulsion until the outer pain trumped the inner. But it doesn’t really.  My heart hurts tonight.

Little one is so excited.  She can barely contain herself. Im happy for her- she’ll never know how much I hurt tonight.

I hope my husband doesn’t hate me…. he hates it when I hurt myself.

T-minus not even 12 hours…

As I was packing little one’s lunch for school tomorrow, my tears mixed with her deli ham and soft shell tortilla. I never wanted to send her to school, I still really don’t want to send her to school.

I have so many worries- will she make friends? Or will she struggle like I did?

Will she have someone to sit with at lunch?

Will she be able to do the work?

Will she miss me?

How will I get through my day without my light?

Will she like it? (secretly I don’t want her to so that I can keep her home with me).

Germs, germs, germs.

I’m sending the nice one, who loves me to school and keeping the one who hates and abuses me home.

What if, what if, what if…..

 

 

Devastated….

Its been a couple days, and today I met with the kids med management doctor -let’s call her Julie Andrews. We started with big one, not much to say.  Things are about the same, we cut out his anti-anxiety medication since it wasn’t working and he was feeling manic but controllable.

But then it was little one’s turn. She saw her behavior- running all over the place, hyperactive, and defiant.  So she and I decided what meds to put her on, and then talked about the school thing.  And she talked me into it. I feel somewhat coerced, somewhat forced, but I just can’t let it go.  I don’t want to leave my baby at school.  I can’t imagine it.

I am worried she will end up like me, she’s so tender hearted- people will probably take advantage of her.  But as my counselor said that I am only looking at the bad “what-if” situations. What-if it goes well?

There’s no room in my head for that scenario. All the bad ones are swirling around in there, my brain is full, my head hurts, it pounds from crying so much, my eyes burn, and I have a stomach ache.

She starts school Monday.  Tomorrow I will go down with her, turn in the paperwork, and I will see if they let her see where the classroom is, where things are.  It might make me feel better.  She’s excited to go, I wish I could say the same thing.

 

Identity…..

I keep coming back to my identity.  For 5 years I have been a homeschooling mom of 2.  If my kids go back to school who am I? Who will I be? What will I do? I have always based my identity on my kids, what I do for them. With them both at school I am not a homeschooling mom, I am not a stay at home mom, I’m a mentally ill, chronically napping, grumpy, woman. I know it all sounds so dramatic, but honestly it’s all I can think about- not just my identity – but sending my children to school and all the “what-ifs”. What if they hate it, what if I hate it, what if they are bullied, what if they are happier there than with me? What if they flourish without me? What if they don’t need me?……..

He isn’t all bad OR how positive words can come back to haunt me later…

I have said A LOT of negative things about my father, but, he always always approved of our homeschooling.  He was the only one in our family that did. Over the phone he would often tell me how good I was doing with the kids, and how I was giving them so much more than any school public or private could.

And part of me feels like I am disappointing him- but yet again, by throwing in the towel on homeschooling (at least for now)

But maybe I can look at it that I AM giving them more, because right now I CAN’T offer them more.

I don’t know, maybe I am doing this for me.  Maybe this is selfish and I am doing it to make my life easier.  To give me a break, and some time away.

But maybe that time away will be better for them.  I don’t know.  I am just going around and around in circles wth my thinking.  And I can’t stop thinking about it. Nothing takes my mind off of it. I am just at a loss.

Homeschooling mom has been my title for 5 years. What am I when both kids are in school? And because of my depression I just sit around all day?

I am just so confused and sad.

My life…. where dreams go to die….

I started homeschooling big one at the end of 1st grade, I was 5 or 6months pregnant with little one, and everyone convinced me that I wouldn’t be able to homeschool big one with an infant.  So I put him in school for two years and it was utter and total pure hell. The district we lived in at the time was horrific, and known for their inability to handle special needs children.

So by 4th grade I was homeschooling – we had gone to mediation with the school district and filed a formal complaint.   They were found guilty of 7 different violations of his IEP..  I pulled him out and we homeschooled.  It was NEVER easy, he has always fought me, tried to cut corners, tried to get out of doing work.  It’s been a fight since day 1.

With little one I planned to homeschool her the entire school experience.  She proved difficult in her own ways, wanting to play instead of do school, having low attention span. And then we found out about her eye convergence issues, her ADHD and anxiety.  But still we were ready to soldier on.

Even though Im emotionally tapped out. Even though hubby is physically and emotionally tapped out.  But big one has really upped the ante this year he’s pushing every button, he’s taking every chance to exploit my shortcomings and my emotional instability.  He skips assignments saying they are done, he downright refuses to do them. He screams at me, its like living with a mini version of my father.

So we are looking into options.  Little one is gong ho.  She wants to go to school.  Selfishly, I want her here, at home.  I want to teach her, but homeschooling is ruining our relationship.  So next week we will go tour the school I hope and see what it’s like.

The following week we have a meeting with the special services director to tour the high school, to look at their day treatment program even though it’s full. We have also put ourselves on the waiting list for the virtual charter academies that our state offers. We will see what pans out.

So not only do I not want my kids to leave me, even big one despite his abuse… The other issue if I have made a tribe.  I had a tribe of homeschooling moms. That made it a little better I wasn’t alone, I could bounce ideas off them, and now, I am defecting. Are they going to abandon me? Will I lose all my friends?  Most of my friends are severely anti-public school. I feel like I will lose the few friends I have.

It seems like every time I have a dream for my life, or my kids the dream their comes and snatches it away.

The one POSITIVE thing about them going to school is if I end up doing the ECT (electroshock therapy) little one will be in a school with a teacher instead of riding in a car not getting an education.

 

***disclaimer- still none of it makes me feel better****

I Wish….

I went after myself with the safety pin again tonight, the one I cleverly keep hidden so no one will find it. But you know what I really wish, is that instead of my husband getting angry that I hurt myself again – maybe angry is not the right word frustrated I wish he would see each mark for what it is- a pain, a hurt, a word I say in anger, a punishment for things I do wrong. I wish he could look at them and see my pain – the pain I have no words for.

I want another coping mechanism but no one has helped with that so far- an elastic on the wrist is hardly scratches and cuts.

For those of you curious – my children NEVER see my cuts.  I hide them well. And they won’t ever see them.


The words spell out “Just Like Him” meaning my dad.  I feel like my kids feel they aren’t good enough for me that I somehow think that they should be better – smarter, better listeners, better behaved…. I don’t know it’s probably projection but it’s how I feel it’s a pain, it’s hurt, it’s a scar.

I guess it’s a good thing I see PollyAnna and Mary Poppins tomorrow- we have a lot to talk about.