Counseling (PollyAnna) Frustrates me…

So today was PollyAnna day.  It had already been a crappy day we found out that Big One needs glasses and he was NOT happy.  Then both kids had med management appointments, they tweaked both kids’ meds- big one is getting something that will help with his high anxiety, and little one is getting a long acting version of a med she’s already taking so that we ALL can have some sleep since little one comes in our bed every night at 2am.

After their med appointments I met with PollyAnna, she is a typical counselor who answers a question with a question and never spoon feeds you ANYTHING. This week we talked a lot about 1. avoidance….. how I was even avoiding her questions to the point that I didn’t remember the question.  2. Why I feel like everyone’ s happiness, success, sadness and failures fall on my head, that I don’t have that kind of control and 3. change.  Do I really WANT to change and what am I willing to do to change.

Im supposed to think about that this week.

  1. Do I want to/am I ready to change?
  2. What am I willing to do to change?

I asked her change what? What part? There’s much to change… and she said “how can I tell you what to change first?” Im like you are NO HELP.

And then what am I willing to do? I have no idea how to change, Ive been this way my whole life and so how would I know how to change. If I knew how to change I would have done that already.  How am I supposed to answer these questions if I don’t even know where to begin. So confusing. So hard.

Mundane life….

Lately it seems like every day is like the one before.  The new med the endocrinologist put me on makes me sick, I either nauseous or have gastro issues.  I can’t even remember what happened the past couple days. Well, with the exception on yesterday.

Right now we are in school prep mode, so I am trying to gather all our curriculum and clean the school room, that became a junk room over the past year because we schooled at the table, but hubby wants to separate the kids- probably a good idea. I don’t have much energy to get it done.  The old me would have had it done weeks ago, and school planned till Christmas. I will probably end up doing all my planning last minute.

Yesterday, I was scheduled to go see my mother, sister, brother-in-law, nephew and step-dad. I was going to wear the snarkiest shirt I have “Im real good at making bad decisions”, but after I did my quiet time and read my Bible, the Holy Spirit prompted me with an article on how to make WISE decisions and one of them was “does it glorify God?” So, I unpacked my snarky shirt and wore a plain purple one.   I went with the intention of not discussing the email, and to go with a spirit that Jesus would have, of love, forgiveness and reconciliation.  And as always God’s way was the best way.  The BBQ went fine, the kids had fun, the email was not brought up and life moved on.  That’s not to say I didn’t want to point out how different my kids were this year since last year, but I resisted the urge.  It wasn’t easy.  But I made it through the day.

Tomorrow, I get to go see Dr Handsome for my 9 week follow up on my hip surgery. A very long drive which I am having anxiety about. But I have to go, and little one has OT so hubby has to take her to that.  Im not really sure what he will do at this appointment, or what he tell me I am allowed to do.  I am pretty certain that my other hip has the same issue but, it also could have to do with the fact that I have overcompensated the other hip.  So I will probably wait a while to make sure it’s not just that.

My anxiety has been somewhat high lately, and I haven’t been as diligent at taking my valium and I have been getting chest pains, pains that wrap around my whole body and hurt into my back. I need to be better at taking them, because obviously missing them is really affecting me.

I got groceries alone, and I am really thinking I need to disappear…

Hubby and I made a deal, if I did the grocery shopping he would wash all the eggs we had waiting to be washed. I agreed to the deal and then remembered he would have washed them all anyway. CRAP! But no takebacks. So off I went to Walmart.  As usual I put my reusable bags in the bottom of the cart whenI walked in so when my cart was overfowing (literally – we try to shop a month at time for things other than perishables)….So I had to dig through the cart to get those out. Fun times.  And I hate the way people look at me when my cart is overflowing. Take a picture it’ll last longer…. they probably do and I am on the people of Walmart site somewhere.  Once I finished Walmart I went to the local grocery store for meat. We don’t buy our meat at Walmart.

So I get home and one child ignores me and the other hollers at me.  I said maybe it would be better if I were gone.  And I wasn’t kidding.  I am so tired of being disrespected, not listened to, and ignored. I want to run away.  Part of me wants to go empty all our accounts and take off.  You know, I would settle for a full night, and full day alone in a motel with no one talking to me, no one bothering me, no one ignoring me. But that’ll never happen. So my next wish is to be sick or hurt enough to go to the hospital for a day or three.  Have meals brought to me, lay in bed and sleep as much as I want without people poking me awake.

Mary Poppins asked me about self harm the other day.  I told her I have been thinking about it a lot, especially since I can’t turn to junk food anymore if I am going to follow what the endocrinologist wants…. and I don’t want to end up like dad. But I told her I would be having my other hand done soon so I have to wait.  She joked that she was going to keep me scheduled in surgeries indefinitely …. I got plenty she could schedule- weight loss, skin removal, breast reduction, tonsillectomy, fix my other hip, lobotomy…ok that last one was a joke.

Im tired. And it’s not lack of sleep tired. I’m worn.  And I have to spend tomorrow with my mom and step dad. It’ll be the first time I have seen him since “the text”. My husband wants to punch him out… Thankfully I know he has more self control…. I hope.

 

Working up a sweat

Last night was a BAD depression night. The OT had me really upset about little one’s worries, and all I could think was that the author of the email was right. I was ruining my children. Everything is all my fault. That I should just leave they would be better off without me.

So today I avoided in the morning- I napped and read. Then I had PT.  And I pushed HARD! I did the upright bike first as always and my goal was to do 1.75miles in 8 minutes on level 8. I know that doesn’t sound like much but remember I had hip surgery 8 weeks ago. And then it was the leg press machine, and I just really pushed HARD the entire hour session.  I was red faced and sweating. I have always found that when I am upset if I physically push myself I can stop myself from thinking a little bit at least.  The last 5 or 6 minutes she massaged the muscle that connects to my IT band and man it hurt so good.

After I got done with PT I got a text from my dad’s ex and he was being brought back to the hospital from the hotel.   He fell off the toilet and hit his head. And that he was finally agreeing to go to assisted living.  He called me later and I got more information. He fell off the toilet trying to reach his walker.  He not only hit his head but he fractured his hip :(. I am happy that he’s back in the hospital, but I don’t know if he’s healthy enough for hip surgery, for them to put in pins.  This means he missed dialysis today. I pray and hope this is a wake up call for him.

I know it was a wake up call for me. My endocrinologist wants me on 2000mg of metformin for my insulin resistance, and she wants me on the diabetic diet, and finally to lose 10lbs in 6 months.  My plan was to wait tilll month 5 and lose the 10lbs, but hubby put things into perspective, he said: “so you are going to do the exact thing that your dad does that makes you so angry?”. BURN. So today I started researching some protein shakes to help with snacks since I often turn to crackers, chips, cereal etc.  I will probably have to go back to yogurt, oatmeal, eggs for breakfast and quit the Cocoa Pebbles. I don’t want to end up like my dad. I want to live a life I can enjoy once my children are grown. So now in addition to getting mentally healthy I have to work on my physical health and well-being.  This may just push me over the edge, but we shall see….

Until next time….

The Day the OT Broke my heart….

So little one had OT today.  Little One wanted me to come in but I really want her to gain some confidence in that area so I told her I would be in in a while but never came in.

At the end of the session little one likes “talk time”, and her OT today told me she thought it would be a good idea that little one get a therapist or a counselor; because her “worries” are bigger than they should be for a girl her age. She worries about the fact that she wants to marry the boy that lives next door but she’s not allowed to play with him (we aren’t thrilled with their family but we allow them to play- it’s their family who have an issue), she also said “mommy hasn’t reached all her dreams”.  That broke my heart. Why should she worry about me. She’s almost 7, she needs to worry about what she’s going to play with next.  She is so my mini-me. Worry, worry, worry.

So on the way home I called where big one goes to counseling, and got the ball rolling for a therapist. I hope it doesn’t take long. My poor baby.

More about my brain..

Hubby and I were talking about my double brain and I told him that my anxiety used to try to organize it all… and ow because anxiety is muted when it tries to organize OCD yells at anxiety because it’s not organized enough, and this doesn’t go next to that.  And then the depression says it’s too much work just leave it- let it be and embrace the chaos and go to sleep. And PTSD is always on watch that OCD not touch certain things even to organize them because that’ll burn.  It’s a mess in my head!!!

Another Day with PollyAnna

Whew what a session today. She called me out on every time I avoided, or tried to change the subject.

Today we talked about mom’s non response- which she has responded now. I am still processing the response but it’s better than I expected.

I don’t remember all the stuff we talked about, I was on screech today, jumping from topic to topic until we got to the topic of my brain, and how I feel like it’s separated into two parts. One side is orderly.  It’s where I keep this filing cabinet of information, facts, dates, numbers, things I can pull out of a hat to impress people with my knowledge and my intelligence. I need validation and praise. I thrive on it, it’s like a drug.

The other half of my brain is chaos it’s where everything else is.  That’s where everything else is.  The negative feelings, negative self talk, sadness abuse, avoidance, feeling not good enough etc etc.

And I’m standing between A double yellow line trying to walk in both parts of my brain. My sister calls that ambivalence I call it exhaustion…


I don’t know what I would look like without chaos in my brain, and I worry that I would look like a super Duper control freak if I I only had order, my sister wants to know why order has to equal control and that’s a question I can’t answer. How can it not equal control because in order to have order someone has to set up that order.

Pollyanna asked if I’m ready to live without The chaos and to be honest with you I don’t know.