I need to vent….

If you don’t like what I put on my Amazon wishlist, if you don’t like the things that I WANT, then don’t buy off of it. Don’t complain about it, don’t get upset, just buy me the clothes you are going to buy me anyway.  Or better yet- just don’t buy me anything at all- I don’t care. I am sick of spending holidays with you anyway.  I am sick of the belittling comments, the things you say under your breath, the way you degrade me, and the way you judge me, my parenting, my decisions.  I wish I had the ability to tell you that you aren’t welcome in my home this year. I need a break from you and your bad attitude.

 

Guilt

I am full of guilt all the time. Guilt when I inadvertently let a friend down, when I get irritated with my husband or my children, guilt because I gave up on homeschooling, because my house isn’t clean enough, I don’t read enough to my kids, I don’t take them fun places all the time- and the list could stretch to infinity.

But this morning my heart felt a tiny bit better. I brought little one to school and saw in passing her regular teacher, her title 1 math and title 1 reading teacher and I got the chance to chat with each of them for a couple minutes and each one of them separately said how well she’s doing, how much progress she’s made, and one of them said several times that she loves her. So while the guilt of being a homeschool quitter, and lacking the ability to teach her to read is still there nagging at me incessantly- it feels good to know I sent her to a place where the teachers love her.

Faking It

I hear it all the time- “fake it till you make it”.  And that’s what I have been doing the past couple months. Faking it.  And I think I do a pretty good job, only those closest to me know the truth.

In fact last week I was lamenting to my husband that I think all my friends hate me now, and that I don’t have any friends.  He told me that I am lost in my own head.  He’s right.  My brain never stops.

I am convinced I am doing everything wrong with my children, I am scared for Big One, he says he’s being bullied at high school, and his doctor’s and therapist say I need to let him try to work it out.  But I don’t want to, and I am worried about him.  I am worried he will be bullied so badly he will become a statistic- I almost did in high school, until I found a group.  So what if they were just 4 of the nerdiest boys in school.  I had a group where I could feel safe.  I want that for him.  Little one is reading now.  I should be happy right? Im not.  Im not happy because I didn’t teach her, I tried- oh how I tried.  But I couldn’t do it.

Sometimes I miss homeschooling, I miss my homeschooling tribe.  But I also know I am in no way capable of homeschooling at this point.  And may never be with Big one, and  Little one- she loves school. It would be selfish of me to not let her go.

I am tired of being sore.  My ankles are still sore and I am still in PT for those. And my hips still need help, I can’t sit criss-cross-applesauce.

I am concerned about finances.  We pretty much put this whole Christmas on credit. Not good.  I am praying with all I have that hubby gets his Social Security approval so we can pay down our debts.

I am not sure I like my new counselor, no particular reason I am just not sure I like her.

I am worried ( when I say, worried, concerned etc what I really mean is extremely anxious) about hubby and his medical issues.  He slept a good 8 hours last night and now he’s sleeping in his chair snoring- it’s 10:32am.

I am worried that this is as good as life gets.  I am sick of being poor, sick of hubby being sick (not because I am annoyed with him, but because I feel bad for him and me, we can’t do the things we used to), I am sick of Big One being emotionally and verbally abusive. I am sick of the way he and little one play off each other and fight.  I often consider running away, and have thought a lot about a crisis unit.

Basically my life is a mess.  A complete mess.  And I don’t know how to clean it up.

Until next time.

Treatment #5

Today was ECT number 5.  I don’t know if I feel any different – well that’s not true- I know that I have much higher anxiety, that I can’t remember hardly anything at all, big one came home talking about French class today and I couldn’t remember that he took French in school.  That’s something that happened long before ECT so it’s obvious that ECT is effecting more than just the current memories I am making- or not making as the case may be.

I guess I can see some differences, but most of them have an explanation- like I haven’t been as irritable with the kids, but 1. I am too tired to be irritable, and 2.  I just don’t have  the energy to be irritated.  It seems to me the those are symptoms of depression.  I don’t know. I was telling my new counselor yesterday that I feel like a faucet was shut off.  Not only do I feel numb much of the time, I am anxious and can’t remember anything.

But I am worried that I won’t know if/when the ECT is working.  I was talking to the Psychiatrist today about how long I have had depression, and if I am being honest I have been depressed on and off most of my life, even as far back as childhood, so would I even know what feeling good feels like?  And when my anxiety is elevated to this level (you know that feeling like before you have to give a big presentation? Or know you are in trouble? That pit in your stomach? I have that 24/7 lately.  And my anxiety is always louder than my depression.  In fact when I was first diagnosed depressed I didn’t believe the doctor, I thought I was just very very anxious with PTSD and OCD, but once I was finally getting my anxiety treated I saw the depression.  And I can tell you right now my anxiety is as high if not higher than it was when I started getting treated for it.  So it’s hard for me to see anything but that.

Well I guess that’s all, I am sure I had more to say but I can’t think of it, and my stomach is doing flip flops so I need to try to distract myself.

Until next time.

Sound so DUMB

I reread my post from earlier and I can’t stand my “tone of voice”.  I sound like a stranger to myself.  And I think in some ways I am.  I was just on Pinterest and apparently 6 days ago sent hubby a pin that I don’t recall sending.

I messaged my sister earlier, I am supposed to go to her house in a couple weeks for the weekend.  I told her I wasn’t sure about the entire weekend, and she immediately got pissed at me. Part of it is that I don’t want to miss church during Advent, another part is relying on hubby to move the elves, and little one will miss out on the Lego Advent calendar and big one will get to do it alone.  Not to mention I have to cancel ECT on Friday because I can’t drive for 24hours.  Money is incredibly tight right now, we are still waiting to hear the results of hubby’s appeal for SSDI. And when we get down to it, I am incredibly anxious about driving 4 hours each way alone (with just little one).  I am nervous about everything.  Not being in my own bed, not being with hubby (the one person who keeps me “ok”).  I am nervous about a lot of things. But I didn’t explain all this to her, I just let her express her irritation at me, and tell me that she would be upset if I didn’t come.  I didn’t say I wouldn’t come it was just that I might not stay Friday until Sunday.  Its a lot.  I don’t think she realizes how much preparation it takes for me to leave the house, never mind go a state away, be away from home for 3 days, and miss one of my ECT treatments.

I don’t know why I put all this here, she might read this, and I don’t want her to.  I don’t want to tell her the truth.  I don’t want anyone to know the truth about me.  And the fact remains I don’t want to leave the house most of the time. I stay home as much as I can.  I haven’t been good at keeping in touch with my friends since starting treatments, I pretty much am hiding as best as I can…..

I guess that’s all….

First ECT

I had my first ECT treatment today. I got to the hospital and the first thing the nurse did (well after I changed into their stylish gowns ha ha) was start my IV. After that the doctor came in and dida little bit of a physical just to make sure everything was good and they checked out the EKG I had last month.

After all that was done they brought me back to the OR. My question is this why is it that the OR is so much colder than the rest of the hospital. The ride to the OR it’s like it’s getting colder and colder and colder.

Once I was in the OR they put and oxygen mask over my face while they were talking and said that they were going to be injecting my IV and I say yes with something that burns as I felt the burn, at this point I could feel my soul start to fade and as I was drifting off I felt them put the ciff on my leg. The cuff was intended to be tightened so the medicine that they give you that’s the muscle relaxer won’t get down there and so only your big toe wiggles and that’s how they tell that you’re having the seizure.

The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room with a really bad headache and feeling nauseous and panicked because I didn’t know how my daughter got to school I thought we had left her at home alone keeping in mind she’s only seven this is a very disconcerting thought. I made the nurse, husband on his cell phone and find out, and he reminded me we had dropped her off at a friends house.

The next little while I was been to recovery trying to get rid of the headache and the nausea with Tylenol and Zofran after they felt that I was stable enough and awake enough they brought me back to my original room where I recovered for a little bit longer and they let me have ginger ale and graham crackers and after that I was free to go.

After we left the hospital I felt ok. I wasn’t happy and kitty but I also didn’t feel horrible. I don’t know it’s hard to explain maybe a little better- so I had hoped that this was working. But once I got home and all the meds wear off the overwhelming sense of doom, those butterflies in your stomach and the anxiety that makes me shake inside came back. Along with a headache so I’ve been taking Advil and trying to relax.

But wouldn’t you know this is the day my kids decide that it’s time for World War III. My next treatment is on Monday I will definitely update again after that.

One funny thing was when I was explaining to my daughter that I had surgery and she said where and I said on my brain she was like on your brain? and I said yes they put electricity into my brain and she said oh you mean like Frankenstein. I had to kind a laugh at that.

The Grinch Who Stole Thanksgiving.

That’s how I feel.  I decided I couldn’t handle a big Thanksgiving this year, it was just too much – the cooking, the dishes, the family, the stress, did I mention the cooking?   Well my 7 year old daughter is devastated.  She thinks it’s not thanksgiving if we don’t stay home and mama cooks.  I feel guilty, I feel like I should just suck it up and do Thanksgiving.  I feel like I am ruining the day for everyone else because of my inability to cope with life. I never thought I would say this, but I miss PollyAnna, I need someone to talk to.  I am so lonely.  I am tired of laying all my crap on hubby, and I just don’t feel like I need to burden my friends with my continuous stream of consciousness of self-loathing, self hatred and all the other random things I worry about and think about.  But I feel so beat down right now.

I went out with 2 of my friends on Friday to see Bad Mom’s Christmas- first of all WOAH I didn’t expect some of that content, and had to go home and pray after that 😉 But we had a good time, except about 6 times during the movie I quietly let tears run down my cheeks.  For all different reasons…. relationships with their own mothers vs mine.  That they could be so happy.  I don’t remember the last time I was truly HAPPY.  That’s not true.  It was October 2014.  It’s gone down hill since then, getting worse day by day.

I pray, constantly, unceasingly like we are called to. I ask God to take this from me. To make me ME again. To as Jesus said “let this cup pass from me”. I do my quiet time every morning. I just feel like I should be able to “pray it away”. After all miracles happen all the time.  But it seems that no amount of praying is going to take this from me.  I am not me.  I am not the mother and wife I want to be. I am not the person I want to be. I want to be able to give my daughter the Thanksgiving she wants. I feel so selfish doing this. I can’t stop the running commentary of guilt in my head, the horrible things I am thinking about myself.  That I can’t give her this.

Then tonight, she told me for the first time (of many) I am sure, that I am ruining her life. I know I shouldn’t have let it bother me, or taken it so personally, but that cut me to the quick.  Because of everyone in the world her approval and love is what I strive for- probably because it would be the closest thing to me loving me that I will ever experience.  I tried to leave the house and run away.  I That was just what my mom would have done.  But I had to come in and change because I was in my inside clothes and she begged me not to leave – the same thing I used to do to my mom.  I immediately put myself in her place and hated myself. She was crying and saying she was sorry.  I told her I accepted her apology, but I think this will be a scar we both carry forever, I know I will. I will never forget the look in her eyes- pleading, with big tears, just the same as I used to have. I can’t believe I tried to do that to her. I hate myself so much.  Sometimes I feel like a waste of space on earth.  I know it sounds dramatic, but I am just so broken. I don’t know what my purpose is, I am a crap mother and wife right now.

There’s really nothing else left to say.