I got groceries alone, and I am really thinking I need to disappear…

Hubby and I made a deal, if I did the grocery shopping he would wash all the eggs we had waiting to be washed. I agreed to the deal and then remembered he would have washed them all anyway. CRAP! But no takebacks. So off I went to Walmart.  As usual I put my reusable bags in the bottom of the cart whenI walked in so when my cart was overfowing (literally – we try to shop a month at time for things other than perishables)….So I had to dig through the cart to get those out. Fun times.  And I hate the way people look at me when my cart is overflowing. Take a picture it’ll last longer…. they probably do and I am on the people of Walmart site somewhere.  Once I finished Walmart I went to the local grocery store for meat. We don’t buy our meat at Walmart.

So I get home and one child ignores me and the other hollers at me.  I said maybe it would be better if I were gone.  And I wasn’t kidding.  I am so tired of being disrespected, not listened to, and ignored. I want to run away.  Part of me wants to go empty all our accounts and take off.  You know, I would settle for a full night, and full day alone in a motel with no one talking to me, no one bothering me, no one ignoring me. But that’ll never happen. So my next wish is to be sick or hurt enough to go to the hospital for a day or three.  Have meals brought to me, lay in bed and sleep as much as I want without people poking me awake.

Mary Poppins asked me about self harm the other day.  I told her I have been thinking about it a lot, especially since I can’t turn to junk food anymore if I am going to follow what the endocrinologist wants…. and I don’t want to end up like dad. But I told her I would be having my other hand done soon so I have to wait.  She joked that she was going to keep me scheduled in surgeries indefinitely …. I got plenty she could schedule- weight loss, skin removal, breast reduction, tonsillectomy, fix my other hip, lobotomy…ok that last one was a joke.

Im tired. And it’s not lack of sleep tired. I’m worn.  And I have to spend tomorrow with my mom and step dad. It’ll be the first time I have seen him since “the text”. My husband wants to punch him out… Thankfully I know he has more self control…. I hope.

 

Working up a sweat

Last night was a BAD depression night. The OT had me really upset about little one’s worries, and all I could think was that the author of the email was right. I was ruining my children. Everything is all my fault. That I should just leave they would be better off without me.

So today I avoided in the morning- I napped and read. Then I had PT.  And I pushed HARD! I did the upright bike first as always and my goal was to do 1.75miles in 8 minutes on level 8. I know that doesn’t sound like much but remember I had hip surgery 8 weeks ago. And then it was the leg press machine, and I just really pushed HARD the entire hour session.  I was red faced and sweating. I have always found that when I am upset if I physically push myself I can stop myself from thinking a little bit at least.  The last 5 or 6 minutes she massaged the muscle that connects to my IT band and man it hurt so good.

After I got done with PT I got a text from my dad’s ex and he was being brought back to the hospital from the hotel.   He fell off the toilet and hit his head. And that he was finally agreeing to go to assisted living.  He called me later and I got more information. He fell off the toilet trying to reach his walker.  He not only hit his head but he fractured his hip :(. I am happy that he’s back in the hospital, but I don’t know if he’s healthy enough for hip surgery, for them to put in pins.  This means he missed dialysis today. I pray and hope this is a wake up call for him.

I know it was a wake up call for me. My endocrinologist wants me on 2000mg of metformin for my insulin resistance, and she wants me on the diabetic diet, and finally to lose 10lbs in 6 months.  My plan was to wait tilll month 5 and lose the 10lbs, but hubby put things into perspective, he said: “so you are going to do the exact thing that your dad does that makes you so angry?”. BURN. So today I started researching some protein shakes to help with snacks since I often turn to crackers, chips, cereal etc.  I will probably have to go back to yogurt, oatmeal, eggs for breakfast and quit the Cocoa Pebbles. I don’t want to end up like my dad. I want to live a life I can enjoy once my children are grown. So now in addition to getting mentally healthy I have to work on my physical health and well-being.  This may just push me over the edge, but we shall see….

Until next time….

First Post Since Surgery

My carpal tunnel surgery was more involved and less involved than I expected. I am still feeling pain in the incision and as I am typing I can feel a little pulling at the site. But my fingers are already less numb. I am so excited for them both to be done and not feel any numbness and be able to do the things I want to do.

As for my emotional health…. at least and then napping during the day. I have been staying up till 3am (I take all my ills plus 2 percocets at 11pm)  I know Mary Poppins told me to stop napping but it’s just not working.  I am working hard today to not nap but I feel like I need toothpicks for my eyes. So I am still sleeping through the day. I am not really any better. My anxiety is under control thanks to Valium, however my depression is the same, and my diet sucks.  Lunch was a chocolate Twinkie. Wohoo.

Well I don’t want to over use my hand so Until next time…

Day 1 of no naps- FAIL

Shortly after my last post while watching Harry Potter, I drifted off to sleep.  I slept less than 15 minutes, but still a FAIL. I can’t even follow the directions for one stupid day.

I ordered Chinese for supper because hubby was packing up his shop and I can’t stand long enough to cook, but also in true “me” style how was I going to walk from the car to the take out place with my walker and back with the paper bag. Dummy.  So my decision? Go without my walker, my crutches and I couldn’t use my wheelchair they don’t have a wheelchair accessible entrance.  So I walked.  And of course there was no parking right out front so I had to park a little ways away and walk.  I must’ve looked drunk trying to hobble to the restaurant and back. Ah well.  We had dinner and it’s almost bedtime. I for one can’t wait for today and tomorrow to be OVER.

Sticks and stones….

“I’ve never seen you this big”.  Those words have been echoing through my head all week.  They were said to me by my mother-in-law last week.  We were discussing my mental health, my probable thyroid problem, the effect all these different medications as well as my hip injury has had on my body.  At the time I told her it wasn’t true, but the next day I was weighed at the dr and was up 12 pounds in 2 weeks…. so it was true.  I wasn’t even this big when I delivered my daughter.

Next to our toilet is a vanity with a very large mirror.  So everytime you stand up to rearrange your clothes you get a good look at your side profile.  Needless to say that’s what brought those words flooding to the front of my brain just now.  “I’ve never seen you this big”.  I’ve never seen me this big, and I don’t see any signs of my weight slowing down any.

One of my friends is running a Bible study for food addiction and freeing yourself from the bondage of food.  And I had been considering joining, though the timing seems off with hip surgery and not even being able to walk (like exercise walk) for 6 months, with my hand surgeries coming up.  I just felt like maybe I should do it.  I prayed about it, and I got this distinct and final answer “not now. focus elsewhere more important. wait”.  When I get words like that from the Holy Spirit I know better than to ignore them.

So I will live with my weight.  I will live with getting bigger.  I will sit out this study, and I will wait for His time, because His timing is perfect.

Until next time.

It may have been a mad day…

But it’s a sad night.  It’s 1:23am. I took hydroxizine and a Percocet hours ago.  I feel no sleepiness.  I’m watching tv and catching up on the blogs I didn’t read while I was recovering and on Percocet regularly.  

I feel sad, no particular reason- but is there ever really a reason with depression? I know my lack of being a good mom- typing on my phone lacks the strike through – Mom I want to be (is more accurate) but that’s not all. I don’t know why I just feel on the verge of tears. 

I have been missing Big One – away at Leadership Camp hoping he’s doing well AND having fun.

They called today to schedule my first carpal tunnel surgery, could have done it this Tues but I have to be off the blasted crutches.  They are killing my hands, and I’m tired of being dependent on others for everything.  So July 13th it is.

I’m back to cocoa pebbles for every meal, though I’ve added Trader Joe’s fruit leather to my repertoire.  I’ve been forgetting to eat, I’m not eating enough yet still gained 12lbs in 14 days.  I’ll tell you that’s definitely a part of my sadness. Bigger than even when I gave birth. Yes, it appears I have a thyroid issue, but that’ll make losing weight even harder. I don’t know if I have it in me to put in the work. I don’t have any fight left in me…

I need to call Mary Poppins- too much sadness, too much anger, not enough sleep.

Until next time..

Is it any wonder? 

Is it any wonder that I’m fat? I ate toast with peanut butter for breakfast, canned pears (in their own juice) for lunch, a cookie, a 1×1 square brownie. Not so bad right? 

Well then 5:30 hit – I ate 5 Trader Joe’s fruit leathers and then asked hubby to get me a “snack” like eclairs at hannaford…. he did – the 4 pack.  Which now sits empty at my feet in the bag to hide the evidence, to hide my shame. 210 calories each, 840 calories total.  Not terrible I guess-  but it’s not the calories that’s the problem for me- it’s the sitting there and eating four 6 inch eclairs in less than 5 minutes sitting in the grocery store parking lot. It’s shameful. It’s disgusting.  It’s everything I think about myself.  

Fat people don’t bother me, fat ME bothers me.  I’m gross. But I see someone my same weight or even more- some of them are gorgeous, but either way there’s nothing wrong with them I don’t look at them and think oh my god they’re so gross but when I look at myself in the mirror I think that.  when I think about myself sitting in the parking lot of the grocery store shoving eclair after eclair down my throat to fill some sort of  void I think I’m gross. I’m gross.

 Even my husband gave me a look of disgust that I’ll never forget I’m must be discussing to him now too.  I guess I made my own thoughts come true I’ve always thought he thought I was fat and ugly but wouldn’t say it and now he really does think I’m gross. He knows the true me. The binger.  

I think what I found out or figure it out I guess was that because right now I can’t hurt myself I’m compensating with other compulsions spending eating two things I can control two things that bring me pleasure if only for a moment but the question is which compulsion should I indulge in which is worse? 

Excuse me while I go throw up, I feel sick.