My dear brother has me hooked on a song by Ed Sheehan – Supermarket Flowers.  He wrote it for his grandmother who had recently passed. If you haven’t heard it, and are in the mood for a good ugly cry open youtube and have a listen.

When I hear the song I think about my mom. But I am not so sure it’s MY mom I am thinking about.  I think it’s partially her, and partially the mom I wish she was.  The mom who always picks you up when you fall.  Needless to say, every time I listen to it at the very least I get choked up, but usually I shed a few tears and often have a good ugly cry.

There is a line towards to the end of the song where he says:

You were an angel in the shape of my mum
You got to see the person that I have become

That bit of the song made me wonder every time. Obviously Ed’s grandmother had been proud of him, look at what he had accomplished.  But I wondered what my mom thought. My gut told me that I am an embarrassment.  On disability, poor, have mental illness, never finished college, never got that “big job”, never really did much with my life in term of success the way the world defines it. I have a husband who worked his butt off to support us for 20+ years, but then became disabled as well. We lost our house, our car.  We are not like anyone else in our family financially or career-wise.  My sister got a bachelor’s degree, a master’s degree and became a dually licensed therapist, with her own practice and employees.  Her and her husband make a whole lot of money, and live a life where they don’t have to worry that the next time her kid grows out of sneakers it will break their budget beyond repair.  She is not obese, and she is “the pretty one”.   My brother is what I would consider a big whig at one of the largest banks in America.  He is extremely successful and has climbed the ladder at the company from the ground up.

So after weeks of wondering what my mom would say if I asked her about “the person I have become”.

So the other day, on a particularly sad day, I thought what the heck let’s make it worse and ask her.

Me: (8:00am) Please don’t call me back about this- I’ll cry and I’ve cried enough today- are you disappointed in the way my life has turned out?  Disappointed in who I became?

Mom: (2:07pm) Am I supposed to answer this? U said not to call you.

Me: (2:08pm) Yes you can text, just don’t call, if I hear your voice I’ll cry.

Mom: (2:11pm) No I am not disappointed in you. I am disappointed you don’t have the support you need to shine.


What does that mean?  I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. I can’t shake my feelings of sadness. My mom isn’t disappointed IN me, but she’s disappointed in my life.  She’s disappointed I don’t “shine” in her eyes.

Shine- what could I do that would make me shine in her eyes? Make lots of money? Have a really good job?  Have children without mental health issues? Not have mental illness myself?

I know at least a part of it she blames on my husband.  My sister, step-father and mother have all made comments over the years that make it obvious they don’t like certain things about him.  My step-father went so far as to say that my husband “mis-uses” me.

My husband doesn’t misuse me.  And it’s not his fault I don’t shine.  I made the choices that have made me who I am and if I don’t shine that’s on me.

I know I am fat and not as pretty as my sister. I got my dad’s genes, I was doomed before I was born.

I know I didn’t graduate college (not for poor grades or lack of funding – which my parents didn’t help me with AT ALL might I add) but because of different priorities- namely wanting to be a wife and mother.

I know we are poor and that’s an embarrassment. I know we drive beat up vehicles that are loud and ugly.

I know we don’t buy locally sourced organic food.

I know I don’t make my own soap, lotion, and deodorant.

I know we don’t grow 99% of what we eat.

I know that I have children with issues and I know you blame me and my parenting for them.  I swear if I could have done something that would have prevented, autism, bipolar, ADHD and anxiety I would have done anything. I would have traded my life for it, because my children will suffer their entire lives.

Shine.  The word just keep rolling over in my head.

I don’t shine… am I tarnished silver? That with a little polishing could shine again?  Am I a star that has lost it’s shine because it’s dying and it’s light is flickering?  Am I like flat or matte paint and no matter what I do, I will never become high-gloss?

I don’t think there was ever shine in me.  I think that shine was put out long before I ever became an adult.

But that doesn’t change the fact that I will never be someone my mom is proud of.  Ive talked to a friend and my husband about this, and they both tell me not to let it bother me.  My husband says it’s not an insult (sorry I don’t buy it).  My friend told me not to worry about it because she’s not the most supportive person in the world, and that money isn’t everything.  And yes she’s right.  But…


No matter how old you are you want your mother to love you, to be proud of you and to “be there”. No matter how old you get you want your mother.

I have had an extremely emotional week.  Not for any particular reason. I am just sad, and when I am not sad I am angry, frustrated or irritated.

Tomorrow I have to go to my mom’s.  My sister will be there too.  I offered to let my husband stay home.  He’s sore from falling down the stairs, and pretty much just from living and we both feel like he will be judged because of what he can and can’t do.  But the thought of going alone is terrifying.  I’m dreading it, I can’t wait for the day to be over- and it hasn’t even happened yet.

Well I guess that’s all, nothing really to say other than I am not doing well at all.



I’m going on vacation with my brother and his son and my kids, Tues thru Friday. We are going to an indoor water park. I have been avoiding the thought about wearing a bathing suit until tonight. I bought one at the beginning of summer, and didn’t wear a single time.

Now I live in a cold climate, so shaving my legs is not always a priority… But that’s something I’m going to have to tackle before Tuesday.

I also figured I better try on my bathing suit since I’ve gained a bunch of weight since buying said bathing suit, I’m happy to report that it still fits- However I threw up a little bit in my mouth when I looked in the mirror. Here is an artists rendering of how I looked…

Except I am wearing a one piece bathing suit.

I have never been this big in my life, some of it is medication related, some of it is being laid up and not allowed to do exercises due to various injuries. But if I’m honest I eat like crap, and I could be doing better but I just don’t try. Food and shopping or my drugs of choice when I can’t cut. Food and shopping make me feel better for a little while and then realization hits, And I’m worse off than I started and I hate myself more than when I started. But I can’t stop, it’s like I don’t have control. I don’t know why I’m even saying all this I guess I just needed to get it out of my head to stop the narrative but I don’t think it’ll stop.

On the cusp of 2018….

Here we are days away from a new year…. a fresh start?  I think that’s poppycock.  I will be the same person with the same problems on January 1st that I had on December 31st. I think New Year is just another stupid holiday that makes people set unrealistic expectations of themselves for the next 12 months.  And I admit in the past I have been no different…. some of my previous “resolutions”

I will lose weight

I will lose weight

I will lose 50lbs

I will lose 100lbs

I will work out

I will run a marathon…

And the list could go on and on. Well I tell you right now it’s all a bunch of BS invented by  weight loss companies, exercise equipments companies, the food industry, the gyms….

And I still fall prey to the whole thing.  I’ve been thinking I need a generalized goal – like find joy.  And then the steps I need to take to get to that destination of joy… of course I need to figure out what gives me joy…. and then come up with ways/things that will bring me there.  And to be honest it all sounds like too much work.

Honestly, I think my goal for 2018 is to make it through it.  And the only way to do that is to take it one day at a time.  Do I have goals? Sure.  I want to read more books, I read/listened to 31 this year, I’d like to make it 52 this year. And I would like to try to knit again.  But I am going to put that in the maybe column.  Other than that, I can’t make goals…. because goals like weight loss, exercise, budgeting I always end up failing at, and it makes things worse not better.

Maybe this all sounds like a big ole pity  party, and maybe it is, but I have been thinking a lot about it lately as I have been seeing all these posts about “New Year, New You” on Facebook.  No I won’t magically wake up as someone new on New Years Day, and if I could it would be someone in her 20s, who is thin, without gray/white hair, no mental health issues, happy, comfortable financially – not rich just comfortable, debt free, and ok with who she is… heck know who she is. How’s that for unrealistic.

Blah.  That’s all I can think right now.  I feel like crap.

My Favorite Things?

I have always LOVED to cook and bake. Desserts, breakfasts, dinners, snacks… anything and everything- and I have always been pretty good at it (I’ve been told this I’m not just tooting my own horn). Well about 6 or so month ago I pretty much gave up cooking the meals, and baking- I think last Christmas was the last time I actually baked something.

Cooking has always been a release for me, something I could use to relax and feel good. And it helped me feel good about myself because I was good at it.

Well tonight I made cookies…. Santa is coming so he NEEDS cookies. Well needless to say – it didn’t relax me, I was stressed I would mess it up, use the wrong amounts of an ingredient or something. I checked and rechecked the directions of one of the recipes I’ve made a thousand times. I used to be able to make it in my sleep… except for that one Christmas I was pregnant and forgot to put the sugar in LOL but that’s another tale for another day…

Tonight they came out crappy. They look terrible. Hubby just came through the kitchen and sniffed and said “what’s that smell? That’s a weird smell”. Thanks Babe for making me feel better (of course he has no idea that I’m upset in the first place so maybe that’s not fair… and he tried one and said it was good but it’s not up to my standards. They are UGLY.

Maybe it’s that I’m out of practice? Or the new oven’s convection setting? Maybe it’s the gluten free flour I substituted in? (Except I’ve done that before and they came out fine) Or maybe it’s that I just can’t do things I used to do.

Cooking is no longer one of my favorite things. I’m scared to try knitting again and see how I mess that up.

See – ugly. I certainly don’t want to present them on a platter. 😢

Why does mental health issues cause such exhaustion with so little exertion?

I had little one’s party with her friends today. There were only 12 kids ranging in age from 3-15. They all just played outside and on the trampoline, we had ice cream cake and that was that. I mean really the parents just sat around talking.  But I am WIPED. Completely wiped.  I mean I did do PT, and then Walmart, came home and showered, then it was party time. I hardly did anything.  Of course after the party I had to shower the germs off.

Now I am camped out in my recliner and I want to just sleep or watch TV.  Hubby went out to get dinner.  Neither of us have it in us to cook anything.

We are supposed to start school on Monday, I need to get the school room done before then.  So that’s my plan for this weekend.  Other than that NOTHING.  I need some rest.  I don’t even have any lesson plans done. I am so screwed.

Well dinner will be here soon so I better go until next time.

I got groceries alone, and I am really thinking I need to disappear…

Hubby and I made a deal, if I did the grocery shopping he would wash all the eggs we had waiting to be washed. I agreed to the deal and then remembered he would have washed them all anyway. CRAP! But no takebacks. So off I went to Walmart.  As usual I put my reusable bags in the bottom of the cart whenI walked in so when my cart was overfowing (literally – we try to shop a month at time for things other than perishables)….So I had to dig through the cart to get those out. Fun times.  And I hate the way people look at me when my cart is overflowing. Take a picture it’ll last longer…. they probably do and I am on the people of Walmart site somewhere.  Once I finished Walmart I went to the local grocery store for meat. We don’t buy our meat at Walmart.

So I get home and one child ignores me and the other hollers at me.  I said maybe it would be better if I were gone.  And I wasn’t kidding.  I am so tired of being disrespected, not listened to, and ignored. I want to run away.  Part of me wants to go empty all our accounts and take off.  You know, I would settle for a full night, and full day alone in a motel with no one talking to me, no one bothering me, no one ignoring me. But that’ll never happen. So my next wish is to be sick or hurt enough to go to the hospital for a day or three.  Have meals brought to me, lay in bed and sleep as much as I want without people poking me awake.

Mary Poppins asked me about self harm the other day.  I told her I have been thinking about it a lot, especially since I can’t turn to junk food anymore if I am going to follow what the endocrinologist wants…. and I don’t want to end up like dad. But I told her I would be having my other hand done soon so I have to wait.  She joked that she was going to keep me scheduled in surgeries indefinitely …. I got plenty she could schedule- weight loss, skin removal, breast reduction, tonsillectomy, fix my other hip, lobotomy…ok that last one was a joke.

Im tired. And it’s not lack of sleep tired. I’m worn.  And I have to spend tomorrow with my mom and step dad. It’ll be the first time I have seen him since “the text”. My husband wants to punch him out… Thankfully I know he has more self control…. I hope.


Working up a sweat

Last night was a BAD depression night. The OT had me really upset about little one’s worries, and all I could think was that the author of the email was right. I was ruining my children. Everything is all my fault. That I should just leave they would be better off without me.

So today I avoided in the morning- I napped and read. Then I had PT.  And I pushed HARD! I did the upright bike first as always and my goal was to do 1.75miles in 8 minutes on level 8. I know that doesn’t sound like much but remember I had hip surgery 8 weeks ago. And then it was the leg press machine, and I just really pushed HARD the entire hour session.  I was red faced and sweating. I have always found that when I am upset if I physically push myself I can stop myself from thinking a little bit at least.  The last 5 or 6 minutes she massaged the muscle that connects to my IT band and man it hurt so good.

After I got done with PT I got a text from my dad’s ex and he was being brought back to the hospital from the hotel.   He fell off the toilet and hit his head. And that he was finally agreeing to go to assisted living.  He called me later and I got more information. He fell off the toilet trying to reach his walker.  He not only hit his head but he fractured his hip :(. I am happy that he’s back in the hospital, but I don’t know if he’s healthy enough for hip surgery, for them to put in pins.  This means he missed dialysis today. I pray and hope this is a wake up call for him.

I know it was a wake up call for me. My endocrinologist wants me on 2000mg of metformin for my insulin resistance, and she wants me on the diabetic diet, and finally to lose 10lbs in 6 months.  My plan was to wait tilll month 5 and lose the 10lbs, but hubby put things into perspective, he said: “so you are going to do the exact thing that your dad does that makes you so angry?”. BURN. So today I started researching some protein shakes to help with snacks since I often turn to crackers, chips, cereal etc.  I will probably have to go back to yogurt, oatmeal, eggs for breakfast and quit the Cocoa Pebbles. I don’t want to end up like my dad. I want to live a life I can enjoy once my children are grown. So now in addition to getting mentally healthy I have to work on my physical health and well-being.  This may just push me over the edge, but we shall see….

Until next time….