Do you ever pour your heart out into a post and never post it? Just save it to a draft and stuff the feelings down? I do.
I’m currently hiding in my bedroom with my dogs… I left my brewing tea downstairs… my son has a friend from school over. Someone I’ve never met. I’m so not cool with it.
Hubby is irritated with me because I’m “hiding”… but I see it as a form of self preservation. My OCD is at an all time high today. During church I had to use a antibacterial wipe on my shirt because the kid behind me touched my shirt. I had to shower because we went to church. I have changed 3 times since coming home because of different contaminants.
It seems like lately I have been in hand washing loops as I call them. I’ll wash my hands, get 5 paper towels, dry my hands shut off the water with said towels, open the door with the towels, shut off the light with the towels, throw the towels away- then have to start over and over again. Sometimes it happens right during DBT. There’s a sink in the room and I will just wash over and over and over.
I hate getting stuck in these loops. It’s irritating to my rational brain, and it makes me feel like a lunatic.
So yeah. I’m hiding in my bedroom. I can’t meet anyone new today.
Despite my best efforts to keep up with the blogs I follow, I haven’t been very good at it. There are days I am barely good at getting out of bed. Please forgive me, and know I am reading as often as I can, and you are all in my thoughts and prayers.
I don’t know if I ever explained why I used the title I did for my blog.
I come from a community of people who are constantly telling me to smile. And well meaning people who tell me to “think positive”.
So, for the most part I hide my feelings inside. I pretend everything is ok, even when my arms are cut up, or I have spent the morning crying. It also refers to my signature move- stuff and avoid.
There is so much junk hiding in me, so many scars, and fresh wounds inside it would probably scare people away…. so those are “the things I hide inside”.
Even now, I have backslid in terms of depression, but I am keeping it hidden inside. No one knows I am constantly on the verge of tears, I am irritable and have a low tolerance for everything….
Princess Glitter Sparkle, much like PollyAnna assigns homework. I told her this week that inside her isn’t blood it’s glitter. She’s just -glitter. There’s no way else to describe it. She’s glitter in people form.
So she asked me to draw what I want to look like inside- and this was the result..
I get it. I know that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. I know the grass is greener where you water it. I know all the platitudes. But for today, I am going to let this emotion define the moment. Envy is real. Envy is a negative emotion, I get that. But I can’t lie and say I don’t have envy in me.
Several people close to me are planning trips to see Mickey Mouse, others building their dream house, others the craft room of their dreams, still other making PRs in 5Ks, Half Marathons or Marathons. Yes I know people show their highlight real. Yes, I know that God has a purpose for my life, and I am right where I am supposed to be. But sometimes you just have to acknowledge that your life sucks right now. That you don’t have your crap together and you are 40. That you can’t do the things you want to do. That you are stuck. I feel trapped. I feel like things will never get better. Like I am on a street and no matter which way I turn, no matter what street I go down, I get no where.
I am preoccupied with the thought that at 40 years old I am no where near where I thought I would be. And the rest of me is preoccupied with my kids growing up. We are talking driver’s ed, college, with big one, and little one turns 8 soon. Eight is a big kid. It won’t be long before she is tired of toys and dolls. Everytime I think about the passage of time I am reminded of a line from Star Trek Generations: “Someone once told me that time is predator that stalks you all your life”. I agree. I wish there were a way to freeze time now and then. It would make the unbearable days more bearable.
Im really struggling this week. I probably should’t have written that all out. But my heart hurts, physically hurts in my chest. I feel broken.
The title is a line spoken in a prime-time FOX show called Lucifer. Im not going to get into the details of the show, if you are interested, google it. It really is a good show. However, Lucifer- the devil, has this power where he can look someone in the eye ask them that question and he will find out the true desires of their heart.
I need a little of that. I was thinking while I was on a walk yesterday…. I’m unhappy. I am not content. I am sad/angry/anxious/depressed; BUT what would it take for me to change those feelings? What is it that I want? What will make me happy, or at the very least “content”?
I feel as though my some of my circumstances are out of my control- our precarious financial situation for one. The daily stress of one kid on the autism spectrum (albeit high functioning) , ADHD, with bipolar, anxiety and sensory processing disorder, and the other ADHD, anxiety and quite possibly ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder). I can’t change that. I can’t change that my husband is sick and can’t work, which leads to the financial insecurity; a vicious circle. There are so many other factors in my life that I feel like are obstacles to happiness/contentment. But then- is there a way to be happy/content with the current situation? Im doubtful – how can you be content when you’re insecure about the future because of finances, because of your own mental illness, because of your husband’s illness?
So I ask again- what is it I truly desire?
Answer: I have no earthly idea.