Bad Mom???

Here I am sitting in the car my daughter soccer game/practice. I know that I should get a lawn chair out and go sit and watch her play but I want to just sit in the car maybe read, or listen to an audiobook or maybe even scratch. I’ve been feeling the urge all day,  trying to decide if I want to or not. I think it’s crazy that I can control whether I do it or not It’s not an in voluntary thing I make the decision and I do it.  

Who Would consciously decide to hurt themselves what kind of person what’s wrong with them in their head why does the pain matter it’s not like the pain you feel of the depression or the anxiety or the OCD with the PTSD or what other acronym you want to use it goes away… And then there is the fact that I don’t know if I’m sinning.  That’s a lie, I know I’m sending I am defacing God’s temple because God said our bodies are a temple. But I don’t stop . The scrapes and scratches and scabs from the last time ate going away and I think that’s part of why I want to do it again because I need them there to remind me of the pain somehow I don’t I don’t even know.

I haven’t talk to my dad and days we didn’t leave things in a very good note I don’t know if I should call him or not I did hear through the grapevine that he still in the hospital and has not been released to the Long-term care facility, I don’t know if that’s his doing or if there is or if he’s too sick. I just don’t know if I should call him I get a pit in my stomach every time I think about calling him, but part of me thinks it’s the right thing to do. But he Always messes with my mental health, so the survival instinct in me doesn’t want me to call… Stay tuned for when I decide to do. 

I’m happy news my blog now has 100 followers.  100 People read a blog that I wrote and decided to follow me. That makes me feel good.

I’m a bad Christian

I say that I’m bad Christian because when times get tough we’re supposed to turn to Christ for strength, we’re supposed to let him carry our burdens.  But I don’t. I brood. I get anxious. I get angry. I get frustrated.  I get depressed. 

Tonight I scratched- found that a safety pin does the job way better than keys. I did both sides of both arms and on the inside of my right arm I scratched Just Like Him. 

I feel like all these feelings are going to make me just like my dad.  I won’t let it happen. I won’t. 

I know I need to pray.  I know I need Jesus, but I feel like I’m Peter sinking in the waves because my eyes are off Jesus. I need prayers.  I need to focus on Him and not on the crap around me. 

Time Spent Apart

Many couples I know like to vacation apart, or take some time with couple days, or weekend apart- but I can honestly say with every fiber of my being that being away from my husband is like not having half of myself. He is my heart and my soul. I haven’t seen him since Friday evening and it seems like an eternity.

For 22 years and 139 days we have spent every minute we possibly could with each other. I was 17 years old when I met him, he was only 16. Our friends and family said it would never last, young love isn’t real, that we were too young to know what we wanted, that we spent too much time together. From the day I met him I knew that there was nobody else for me. He has always made me feel like I’m the only woman in the world. It didn’t matter what I looked like, what I was wearing, or the state of my mental health he loves me no matter what. No matter what.

All I ever wanted is the child was to be loved, to be good enough, to be smart enough, to be pretty enough, so that I would fit the mold my family wanted. But when he walked into my life he broke the mold and told me without words than I am my own mold and he loves that mold.

And even though I have been struggling with my own mental health and demons from my past he still loves me, despite his own physical struggles he has stepped up – he does all the cooking he helps school the children he does the things that I just can’t bring myself to do he serves me, he exemplifies a Christlike service and I am more than blessed to have him. I thank God every day for the man he put in my life, for the man that saved my life, and the man who has given me a life.

Babe I know you’re going to read this hopefully by the time you do you’ll be home but I still have a full day and a half away from you and it’ll be filled with missing you. I love you and I hope you’re having a fabulous time with the kids and your parents you deserve this time.

*** please excuse any typos or places where it doesn’t make sense I’m trying to use speech to text because tears are streaming down my face****

And the hits just keep coming…

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After a particularly tough session with PollyAnna I was headed to the pharmacy to pick up Big One’s prescription, and I broke my cardinal rule of driving ALWAYS check twice.  I thought the truck headed towards me had his blinker on, so I pulled out to turn left but nope, no blinker and I t-boned a poor old man.  He was crying, and so upset. We were lucky a state trooper was behind me so he helped divert traffic.

I haven’t processed the accident I don’t think.  I haven’t had any feelings about it, I mean I felt bad for the old man, and I was feeling sorry for myself, but I didn’t cry, I didn’t get anxious, I just was numb.  I still am, other than feelings sorry for myself, because nothing seems to be working out for us lately.

The way I explained it to my husband the other day is this:

I feel like I run from fire to fire putting them out all the while I’m burning and the running gives my own fire oxygen to burn more. It’s like on a plane put your mask on then help other my mask is missing and I’m running around burning to death.

I know that I am having a pity party because things just keep coming and coming and coming at us, and I just don’t know when it’s going to stop….

But tonight on the radio (I listen to contemporary Christian radio) they reminded us to pray for Houston. And it reminded me where I COULD be, there by the grace of God.

Worn- again

I know I have posted this before but I am just so down tonight and I listened to it over and over tonight.  It fits. The highlighting is mine.

I’m tired
I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
‘Cause I’m worn
I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I’m too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn
And my prayers are wearing thin
I’m worn even before the day begins
I’m worn I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn so heaven so come and flood my eyes
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that’s dead inside will be reborn
Though I’m worn

Yeah I’m worn
———————————————————————————————————————————————————–
I AM worn. I AM losing my will to fight. I’m trying to turn to my faith, but I am feeling so weak.
I called the pharmacist that I trust today and my endocrinologist there is no reason to worry about lithium/metformin interaction, I will be fine. At least that’s one less thing to worry about.
Little one is at my moms.  She’s going on a lobster fishing trip. I asked my mom if she ate for here’s what she sent:
100% of grape juice,2 glass milk,chicken,gr.beans,rice,whole cuke,pickled beets and 2 cookies.snack 2 glass milk and 2 cookies.
And she was asleep fairly quickly.  It takes us 2 hours.
I am at the point now that I just think that maybe I just suck at this motherhood thing.  Maybe I should put them in school and spend my days in bed.
I really am feeling weak, and worn out. I need God to come down and hold me up.

I got groceries alone, and I am really thinking I need to disappear…

Hubby and I made a deal, if I did the grocery shopping he would wash all the eggs we had waiting to be washed. I agreed to the deal and then remembered he would have washed them all anyway. CRAP! But no takebacks. So off I went to Walmart.  As usual I put my reusable bags in the bottom of the cart whenI walked in so when my cart was overfowing (literally – we try to shop a month at time for things other than perishables)….So I had to dig through the cart to get those out. Fun times.  And I hate the way people look at me when my cart is overflowing. Take a picture it’ll last longer…. they probably do and I am on the people of Walmart site somewhere.  Once I finished Walmart I went to the local grocery store for meat. We don’t buy our meat at Walmart.

So I get home and one child ignores me and the other hollers at me.  I said maybe it would be better if I were gone.  And I wasn’t kidding.  I am so tired of being disrespected, not listened to, and ignored. I want to run away.  Part of me wants to go empty all our accounts and take off.  You know, I would settle for a full night, and full day alone in a motel with no one talking to me, no one bothering me, no one ignoring me. But that’ll never happen. So my next wish is to be sick or hurt enough to go to the hospital for a day or three.  Have meals brought to me, lay in bed and sleep as much as I want without people poking me awake.

Mary Poppins asked me about self harm the other day.  I told her I have been thinking about it a lot, especially since I can’t turn to junk food anymore if I am going to follow what the endocrinologist wants…. and I don’t want to end up like dad. But I told her I would be having my other hand done soon so I have to wait.  She joked that she was going to keep me scheduled in surgeries indefinitely …. I got plenty she could schedule- weight loss, skin removal, breast reduction, tonsillectomy, fix my other hip, lobotomy…ok that last one was a joke.

Im tired. And it’s not lack of sleep tired. I’m worn.  And I have to spend tomorrow with my mom and step dad. It’ll be the first time I have seen him since “the text”. My husband wants to punch him out… Thankfully I know he has more self control…. I hope.

 

Scraps of Love

A couple blog posts ago I wrote how pathetic I felt, that my desire to be loved I would accept any scraps of love offered to me.

Several people commented that I wasn’t pathetic, and a litany of wonderfully nice comments were left.  But the biggest push was from my husband.  He said that one of the things he admires most about me is my ability to love people despite their flaws.  I thought a lot about this.

It’s not me accepting scraps of love because I am pathetic, it’s me accepting and loving the person where they are, how they are despite their flaws, despite their incapacity to love the same way.  This was a revelation to me last night when I had gotten off the phone with my father.  I said “bye, I love you”.  And when I clicked end call, something clicked in my brain. I meant it.  I love him. Despite the years of abuse.  Despite letting me down time after time.  Despite rejecting me over and over.  I still love him. And this doesn’t make me weak or pathetic, it makes me more like Jesus.  I am following the commands he gave to love my neighbor, to honor my parents.

When I had this revelation about myself, I felt better. I realized that meeting people where they are, not having expectations of people they can’t give, frees me from the pain of unfulfilled expectations, it frees me to love people the way I want, and accept the love they are able to love me.

I did this with my mom several years ago, it was through therapy that I realized I was expecting things from her that she can’t offer.  And when I let go of those expectations our relationship changed immensely.

At this point I don’t know where our relationship stands because of the text and the follow-up email I sent to her. I am really hoping that she will understand where I was coming from in the email, and that we are still in a good place.

She hasn’t replied to the email, but she said she would reply eventually, until then I will be nervous, and pray that her reply is positive.

Until next time.