I met with my counselor today (she really needs a name)… and it was interestsing how my post from yesterday fit in.   We finally finished up the intake questions today.  Now we can really “start”.

But she always gives me time at the start of our visit to just “let it all out”.  The things I just have to say.  And today one of the most pressing things was asking her why I ask people impossible questions.  And I think the question might have caught her off guard, but she said there’s a lot more to get into but one of her hypotheses is something called the Pain Body.  It’s something that a person named Eckhart Tolle came up with.

Here’s an excerpt from a website explaining it:

The usual pattern of thought creating emotion is reversed in the case of the pain-body, at least initially. Emotion from the pain-body quickly gains control of your thinking, and once your mind has been taken over by the pain-body, your thinking becomes negative. The voice in your head will be telling sad, anxious, or angry stories about yourself or your life, about other people, about past, future, or imaginary events. The voice will be blaming, accusing, complaining, imagining. And you are totally identified with whatever the voice says, believe all its distorted thoughts. At that point, the addiction to unhappiness has set in.

It is not so much that you cannot stop your train of negative thoughts, but that you don’t want to. This is because the pain-body at that time is living through you, pretending to be you. And to the pain-body, pain is pleasure. It eagerly devours every negative thought. In fact, the usual voice in your head has now become the voice of the pain-body. It has taken over the internal dialogue. A vicious circle becomes established between the pain-body and your thinking. Every thought feeds the pain-body and in turn the pain-body generates more thoughts. At some point, after a few hours or even a few days, it has replenished itself and returns to its dormant stage, leaving behind a depleted organism and a body that is much more susceptible to illness. If that sounds to you like a psychic parasite, you are right. That’s exactly what it is.

Now, I don’t know enough about this man to know if what he says is right.  I haven’t done nearly enough research to see where this aligns with my Christian beliefs.  BUT it makes sense to me.

I was telling hubby today, it’s like I don’t want to get better, like I don’t want to be happy.  I find ways to punish myself, ways to prove to myself I am unloveable (the impossible questions would fall in here).  I explained it like this- I asked my mother a question that had 3 obvious answers:

  1.  No I am not – to which I would think she is lying and doesn’t want to hurt my feelings.
  2. Yes I am – which would prove I am “bad” an “embarrassment”
  3. The answer she gave- which proves to me (even if she doesn’t mean it that way) that I am “bad”.

You see, there is no right answer.  In all those answers I am the bad one. I don’t want to be like my dad, and yet- and I struggle to make my fingers type this- I have been unpredictable mood wise, angry over little things, resentful.

My fingers shook as I typed that.  It’s an extremely hard truth to face. 

I am living in a constant state of self-inflicted pain, in response to the pain I have already suffered?  the pain I am afraid I will suffer? I don’t know. I don’t know why I do this to myself.  I don’t know why someone as intelligent and as insightful as me can let this go on.  Why in over a year I haven’t gotten any better, and when I do start to crawl out of the pit I am in do I fling myself to the bottom again as if I saw something shiny down there that I had to get.

And that right there, that’s what makes me angry all over again- angry at myself. But guess what- I won’t do anything to change any of it. Like I said it’s like I don’t want to get better.  My husband tells me this isn’t an option.  And I want to scream, “don’t you think if I knew how to do it differently I would?”.  But I am tired.  I am tired of fighting, of feeling sad, of being angry, of being so irritable to those who I love most.  It kills me that I am hurting those that are closest to me.

There are days, a lot of days, I think about just leaving.  The thought kills me.  I love my husband and children more than anything in the world, but I can’t stand to make them live in this upheaval.  Hubby would say that should be incentive enough to change.  But I honestly have been trying and I just can’t get off this merry-go-round…..

I don’t know just more thoughts floating through my head.

*** I found this article that talks about why Eckhart Tolle is not Christian, and in fact teaching anti-Christian things.  And I definitely agree with what they say- I haven’t read Tolle’s book and never planned to.  So what I would say is take the passage above at face value.  Look at it through the lens of Jesus.  Those who allow the “pain-body” to hurt continually hurt us, are letting the Enemy attack us, and we are believing his lies.  And it isn’t until we stand up to him with the Truth that we are able to kick him out of our heads- permanently or not just until next time he finds us weak….. ****

Anyway that’s my take away.  And I can get on board with that, the pain-body is Satan’s influence in my brain.  He makes me forget “it is finished”.  That I am redeemed, loved, chosen and all the other wonderful names Jesus has for me…… now how to get his voice out of my life forever.


People in Poverty: A part of the general population of a given area, who do not have adequate resources to live fully independent lives.  These people tend to need help in the areas of Food, Healthcare, Education and sometimes even cash benefits (as in TANF-Temporary Aid for Needy Families).  Also a part of the general population that many people discriminate against, make unjust assumptions about, and have attitudes that cause those in a state of poverty shame.

This was my definition.  I didn’t look it up.  I spoke from my heart and my experience. My family is poor.  Am I ashamed to say that? A little. Am I ashamed when I pull out my electronic benefits card (EBT- not sure what the T stands for) to pay for purchases of food, or other things because we collect TANF?  Yes.

I am mentally ill.  You all know that.  I have recently added personality disorder to my ever growing list of mental ailments.  So that would be major depressive disorder, severe, recurrent, treatment resistant; OCD; PTSD; Trauma; Severe Generalized anxiety disorder. I can not work. There are days I can’t leave my house.

My husband is sick.  Do we know exactly what’s wrong with him? No. He has seen so many doctor’s but it always ends up the same, herniated disc at L5S1, some sort of cyst on his S2 vertebra, desiccation of the L4 disc. Fibromyalgia, migraine headaches, major depressive disorder, and I can’t remember the rest of the list. But it’s long.

My husband first became sick in Oct 2013.  He continued to get worse until June of 2014, when he was working at a car dealership as a mechanic and almost dropped a mustang off the lift.  It was at that point he realized he shouldn’t be working.  His exhaustion and pain were too intolerable. He went out on short term disability, and eventually lost his job.

We looked at the bright side of it, and he started his own business in January 2015, and tried really hard to run it all alone for 2 years 2 months.  He was successful, turning a profit each of those years, however, the pain and exhaustion worsened, the depression at his situation worsened, he herniated the disc, and in March of 2017 decided he couldn’t keep up and he closed the business.  This was a blow to us.  Financially of course, but also emotionally.  I still tear up when I drive by the place, or think about the stack of business cards he has.

Today he went to see a new rheumatologist.  She was rude, condescending, unaware of his medical history, and made snap assumptions.  Just because she never received a copy of his two most recent MRIs she basically told him he was a liar.  She told him that “chronic pain” is subjective and he should go back to work, and work through the pain.  This all within minutes of meeting him.  He feels she looked that he was on medicaid, and out of work and therefore poor and lazy.  She said he doesn’t have fibromyalgia despite the fact that she didn’t even examine him or do the pressure point test.  Despite 4 other doctors diagnosing him with fibromyalgia.

To say I was angry about this appointment is an understatement.  But there isn’t anything I can do about it.  There is nothing he can do about it.  I am so sick of the rhetoric that vilifies the poor.  We are not all lazy, free-loaders.  Some of us are fighting physical or mental battles that you can’t see.  You all know what they say about assumptions….

We are still waiting on the decision for disability.  We’ve been waiting for almost a year. I know this can be a long process, but after today’s visit we are discouraged and just want this all over.

I know I have said it before, and probably a lot lately, but this is not the life we planned for.  Not the life we imagined when we were two young starry-eye kids planning their future. Never did we think we would be poor, we didn’t imagine to both be disabled in one way or another, we didn’t imagine so many things.

We are trying to adapt, to find new dreams, but it’s hard in the face of the adversities we have encountered.  We are trying to just trust in God and His perfect plan.  But when you are kicked repeatedly and you are already down, it takes it’s toll.

And for me that looks like indulging in one of my three compulsions- self harm, spending money we don’t have or compulsively eating.  Today my drug of choice was self harm.  The insides of my lower arm are carved up.  Im not sure why physical pain helps when I am hurting so badly, but it does, for a little while. And now a several hours later, the anger has subsided some, but a deep rooted, soul-crushing sadness has overcome me. I wish that we would catch a break, we need it.

Catching Up

Another week has passed and I haven’t had the….. motivation to write. It’s been a really long week.  Monday was uneventful I think, I can’t even remember it.  But Tuesday was horrific.  Tuesday we had a snow day because of the impending weather- snow, ice, freezing rain…fun fun fun.  I had an appointment to meet my new counselor, who I am already trying to come up with a name for… I also had a PT appointment, YES I am STILL in PT for my ankle sprains. So ridiculous how long this is taking to heal.

Anyway, my med doctor A.K.A. Mary Poppins had asked me to call on Monday with how I felt after her upping my Amitriptyline, at that point I had a 200mg bedtime dose and a 50mg dose in the A.M. I told her that I thought maybe I wasn’t quite so depressed, but I also couldn’t stay awake and that my heart rate was still through the roof (it was 129 at my last appointment with her).  Her nurse called me on Tuesday AM and said Mary Poppins wants you to cut out my morning dose, and call my PCP about the heart rate, and to callback on Friday telling her how I felt. So I called my PCP and explained what was going on.  They had me come in immediately. My resting pulse when I got there was 130 beats per minute. Then they did an EKG and they tell me that was normal except for the heart rate- and though I am not a doctor, they were comparing my EKG I had for surgery clearance a couple months ago to the one that day and to my non-doctor eyes thinks it looks much different but I have to trust they wouldn’t tell me it was fine when it wasn’t.  The next step was blood work, CBC and complete metabolic panel.  They called me Wednesday, blood work all came back fine- so it’s not an underlying illness causing this.

The next step is that I have to wear a cardiac halter for a couple days, they want to measure my heart activity day and night and see the trends. I go for that on Monday. Once those results come back? Who knows.  Am I scared? Definitely.  I have other symptoms, tightness in my chest, light headedness, breathlessness.

I let Mary Poppins know yesterday since I was in her office for something else yesterday, I also gave her a copy of my lab work. She told me to cut my nighttime 200mg dose down to 150mg and call Monday to tell her how I am feeling.  I just took my pulse before I started writing this and it was 136- Just sitting here in my recliner. It’s concerning to me. They were trying to give me information but all they did was successfully make me even more anxious- they said the danger of my heart being this time all the time is that my heart muscle will wear our and I will be at increased risk for heart attack and stroke.  Great! Tell the woman with severe anxiety that she might drop dead.

Needless to say I missed my appointment to meet my new counselor(way to make a first impression). Of course I called twice keeping them updated where I was at with my PCP.  And I cancelled my PT for that day.  The weather was horid and I didn’t feel much like going out again.

So what’s causing my heart to race like this?  Well there are three possibilities- 1. a reaction to my amitriptyline.  That would be a simple fix, stop that medication- however I have exhausted the search for a med that helps with the depression, this marginally did something, but we were working on upping the dose so it could help with the anxiety and hopefully kick this depression out. So it would stink to go off this medication.  But hopefully Mary Poppins has more stuff in her never-ending bag. 2.  Anxiety.  This would be a simple and my preference.  We can medicate the anxiety- I have been feeling anxous – no panicked- constantly, except that my heartt symptoms could be giving me a false sense that I am panicked. The 3rd option is my least favorite, that there is something wrong with my heart. THAT scares me, A LOT. Between this, and my oldest having a cold, my OCD is in overdrive.  Yesterday hubby touched my hand when he was handing me something and I had to wash my hands…I stripped our bed, showered twice, I just couldn’t stop.  It was a forceI couldn’t stop.  I was panicked and jumpy all day. It was NOT fun.

I just took my pulse after I finished that paragraph it was 152.  Sitting here, in my recliner typing and listening to Christian music. But I could feel a tightness in my chesst so I wanted to check it. And it was just as I feared- WAY too high. I hope we have answers soon.

And as if all of that wasn’t enough- hubby hurt his back AGAIN, his herniation still isn’t better, and he was walking our daughter home from school, he stepped in a hole and now his back hurts where it consistenly hurt, but now it also hurts higher up- he went for an MRI yesterday and we will see what the results of that are.

Our family just can’t seem to catch a break.  We are definitely facing trials in all parts of our life, but we have faith God will hear our prayers and give us peace with it all, because God is good all the time, and all the time God is good.

Until next time….

Feeling Nostalgic

Today on the way home from church hubby was talking about a complement he received from someone who used to be a customer at his business. It made me sad, thinking about all the things that have been taken away from him because of his illness. Running 5Ks, Martial Arts, our Home, our car, his successful business, his ability to keep up with everything around the house- the maintenance of the house and the cars. He does his best to convince me he isn’t affected but I feel it for him.

But the one thing we can count on in sickness and health, poorer and poorer ( 😉 ), is each other. As I edge closer to my 40th birthday in a couple months I am thinking more and more about my life past, present and future.

Tonight I am grateful for my husband. Whether he is healthy or sick, if we are broke or have a little extra cash, nothing changes – our love. Well- that’s not true the longer we are together the more I love him. I’ve been having the Amazon Echo play songs from when we were first together.

We were two kids, fighting against the world together- the doubters and scoffers, convinced that two teenagers would end up together. But we are coming up on 22 years together. That means I have been with him more than half my life. He has always supported me, in anything I do. Tonight at dinner I looked up at a frame we have on a table by the door and I saw this

For those of you unable to read his hen scratch ( 😉) it says I love you because- and he added you give all that you have to us. I wanted to cry. I looked at him and said – lately I haven’t had much to give, and he said “but you give what you have, that’s what makes it so special”.

He may not make grand gestures in front of the world showing how much he loves me- but I don’t need that- What matters is what he does here at home.

This past year has been hell. Or at least what I imagine hell would be like, but through it all we have held on to each other and to God and we are still here. We aren’t to the summit of this mountain we are facing, but it’s nice to know I have a partner who won’t let me fall.

And yet through the hell off this past year I had my biggest prayer answered. He came to Christ. He was born again and baptized. Despite attack after attack from the enemy, he has stood strong in that faith.

If all this was what we had to face for him to find his relationship with Jesus, then it’s all worth it.

The Grinch Who Stole Thanksgiving.

That’s how I feel.  I decided I couldn’t handle a big Thanksgiving this year, it was just too much – the cooking, the dishes, the family, the stress, did I mention the cooking?   Well my 7 year old daughter is devastated.  She thinks it’s not thanksgiving if we don’t stay home and mama cooks.  I feel guilty, I feel like I should just suck it up and do Thanksgiving.  I feel like I am ruining the day for everyone else because of my inability to cope with life. I never thought I would say this, but I miss PollyAnna, I need someone to talk to.  I am so lonely.  I am tired of laying all my crap on hubby, and I just don’t feel like I need to burden my friends with my continuous stream of consciousness of self-loathing, self hatred and all the other random things I worry about and think about.  But I feel so beat down right now.

I went out with 2 of my friends on Friday to see Bad Mom’s Christmas- first of all WOAH I didn’t expect some of that content, and had to go home and pray after that 😉 But we had a good time, except about 6 times during the movie I quietly let tears run down my cheeks.  For all different reasons…. relationships with their own mothers vs mine.  That they could be so happy.  I don’t remember the last time I was truly HAPPY.  That’s not true.  It was October 2014.  It’s gone down hill since then, getting worse day by day.

I pray, constantly, unceasingly like we are called to. I ask God to take this from me. To make me ME again. To as Jesus said “let this cup pass from me”. I do my quiet time every morning. I just feel like I should be able to “pray it away”. After all miracles happen all the time.  But it seems that no amount of praying is going to take this from me.  I am not me.  I am not the mother and wife I want to be. I am not the person I want to be. I want to be able to give my daughter the Thanksgiving she wants. I feel so selfish doing this. I can’t stop the running commentary of guilt in my head, the horrible things I am thinking about myself.  That I can’t give her this.

Then tonight, she told me for the first time (of many) I am sure, that I am ruining her life. I know I shouldn’t have let it bother me, or taken it so personally, but that cut me to the quick.  Because of everyone in the world her approval and love is what I strive for- probably because it would be the closest thing to me loving me that I will ever experience.  I tried to leave the house and run away.  I That was just what my mom would have done.  But I had to come in and change because I was in my inside clothes and she begged me not to leave – the same thing I used to do to my mom.  I immediately put myself in her place and hated myself. She was crying and saying she was sorry.  I told her I accepted her apology, but I think this will be a scar we both carry forever, I know I will. I will never forget the look in her eyes- pleading, with big tears, just the same as I used to have. I can’t believe I tried to do that to her. I hate myself so much.  Sometimes I feel like a waste of space on earth.  I know it sounds dramatic, but I am just so broken. I don’t know what my purpose is, I am a crap mother and wife right now.

There’s really nothing else left to say.

Slacking off….

I have really been neglecting my blog lately.  I just feel like I don’t have anything new to say. Life marches on, passes me by while I waste time at dr appointments, napping, or just letting the time pass.

I think I mentioned that PollyAnna is leaving. I need to find a new therapist – which is going to be hard for me, I don’t like change, I don’t like transitions and finding someone else to pour my heart out to, to get vulnerable with is going to be hard.   Today I “interviewed” the one in the office next to PollyAnna, she seemed ok, but she is not a Christian.  Now before you all jump down my throat the reason I asked her this is that I really think that in order to get better I have to draw closer to God, and I think I need a counselor who will ground his/her foundation on the THE foundation, THE cornerstone- Jesus. It was interesting because I told her that I prefer to be called by my nickname and not my given name.  And at the end of our session PollyAnna said in all our sessions, never once did you ever tell me you prefer to be called by your nickname.  I found it curious and interesting because I usually lead with that because I am not a huge fan of my “real” name.

I am working on the national novel writing month, and I met day 1 goal but I hate the story, and the writing so I am going to have to start over.   Which intimidates me and makes me upset.

Also I realized something else about myself, I am a slave to routine, to my calendar and to what is planned.  Yesterday I was supposed to get my hair cut but my stylist was out sick with walking pneumonia and I freaked out, I HAD to get my hair cut yesterday, it was on the schedule I had to do it.  PollyAnna says that’s my OCD, whatever it is, I never realized how bad it was.

Yesterday Big One asked me if I was going to go along with my deal, I said what deal? He said that you can’t listen to Christmas music until November 1.  I hadn’t even remembered that deal, and I had and still have no desire to listen to the music (heck I forgot about trick or treat till my kids reminded me.  It makes me sad that I haven’t started my tradition. I am usually Christmas obsessed, but this depression has taken that from me too.  It’s taking parts of my personality one little bit at a time.

Well have to get my monsters off to bed so I better go but I will write again soon.

What a Day!

My day started with Big One’s first day of public high school.  It seemed to have gone well, but it’s hard to tell with him.

Then I finally got my Dad on the phone I hadn’t talked to him in over a week, and I sort of miss his calls….. maybe not all of them…. but anyway he was irate, argumentative and and downright mean. Even going so far to say “do you really think that was the best choice” regarding sending the kids to Schoo… Even though he knows nothing of the gut wrenching heartache it was making that choice.

I was crying hysterically in the car… Got to counseling only to find out that my counselor is leaving and I only have 3 more sessions with her- PollyAnna is abandoning me like everyone else does.  Now I have to find another therapist…. or not.

After I left her office I was upset to say the least and I was headed out of town to meet with the Psychiatry department at the hospital for a consult for  my ECT  (electro shock therapy) treatments.  On the way there, I wasn’t “all there” the way many of us are when we have driving amnesia.  I was speeding, 70 in  55.  Ticket. $182. OUCH.  I will contest it to hopefully get the fine reduced.  I don’t really think I was going that fast but I didn’t argue. I took my punishment and off I went.

He took a pretty through history, had me crying some more, and spent a lot of time being quiet if I wasn’t talking and I told him it made me nervous when he was quiet.  He said because of my many failed meds, it would make ECT less effective, about a 50/50 shot it would work.  But he believes that just continuing to try different meds is a 10% chance. Not great odds any way you look at it. So I consented to the treatment.  He said some people, especially people with lots of trauma and with extended periods of depression (hello that’s me), sometimes never get better.   I looked at him and said so you are saying this may be as good as it gets- forever.  That forever I won’t want to die but I won’t want to live either? And he said it’s a possibility.  The thought of living like this for the next 50 years is even more depressing.

After I left there with my first treatment scheduled, I headed straight to OT, since I didn’t have much time to get there… I made it 5 mis or so late only to find out that my calendar – paper and electric were wrong.  This has been happening way too much lately. I can’t tell you how many times I have screwed up bills, appointments — everything in the past month or 2.  I told the dr I need a RAM dump.  I have given everyone a piece of me to take care of them and there is nothing left for me.

My brother made a comment about free time now that the kids are in school, and I said yeah right.  Screenshotted my calendar for October and his response was that they need 2 of me. SO SO SO true.  But I get the good half 😉

Tomorrow its treatment plan for the med cinic an then to see Dr. Handsome.  He will look at my left him but I have been having the same sorts of pain on the right side, I am falling a lot and have terrible balance, tripping on things, things I never would have done.

I don’t think I mentioned I fell walking little one home and sprained my ankle bad, on m good leg.  Which was already giving me trouble, so now my left hurts from compensating  to help my right hip and ankle.  I am so broken.

I know God has. a reason for this, but I hope this season is short.