What Now? or Now what?

My pastor just started a sermon series called “Now What?”.  Now that Easter is over, and Christ is risen, now what.  Well the point is that, we, as followers of Christ as to go and spread the Good News all over the world and make disciples of all the nations.  Truth.  And sure as rain I need to be better about spreading the Good News.  I try my best to live the life of a Christian, but I need to not just walk the walk I need to talk the talk.

But on another level, when he started speaking on Sunday I felt another pull in my soul.  Another prompting from God, that question again, “now what”, “what are you going to do now?”  It seems inescapable.  It is haunting me.  It follows me everywhere.  “Now what?”

I’m afraid.  Now is scary.  The future is scary but I don’t ever have to live there, and the past was scary but I don’t have to be there again, I only have to relive it in my head.  The now is the scariest of all, because, well, it’s now.  It’s inescapable.  It requires commitment.  It leaves room for failure, for mistakes, for heartbreak.

My fingers keep hovering on the verge of what I want to say.  What my brain wants to type.  What I *think* I want to do, but don’t dare.  What I don’t know if I have the courage to do.  What I don’t know if I have the talent or ability to do.

What if I fail?

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What if I don’t?

 

 

More on being poor

It’s been a while since we talked money.  And yes I am still poor, no change there – surprise surprise.  Ed McMahon hasn’t show up at my door with a big check telling me I have won Publisher’s Clearinghouse (dating myself here…), and hubby’s disability was denied AGAIN. At the hearing level.  What does that mean?  It means that we have a pretty low chance of it being approved- ever.  He has plan B in the works, but until then we are poor.  And I have in some ways gotten use to worrying about money over the years, we’ve been poor for many many years- though admittedly not as poor as we have been the past 5 years.  Anyway none of that is the point….

I am so tired of the way people treat you when you are poor.  Especially how they treat you when you are getting “help” otherwise known as WELFARE it’s a dirty word.  A word people whisper.  In fact it’s a word of a gone by era.  They call it other things now, food stamps are now supplemental nutrition assistance program, and there is TANF, temporary aid to needy families.   The names have changed but the way people look at those in line to spend their food stamps haven’t. They scrutinize what’s in your cart.

People in the community and on television say mean and nasty things about people receiving the help.  Calling them lazy, losers, moochers.  Drains on society.  Assume they all sorts of things about “those people”.

The workers at the Department of Health and Human Services (DHHS).  They are anything by human and certainly not HUMANE.  In the waiting room is a huge poster with a cartoon spy with a magnifying glass requesting people keep an eye out for people defrauding the system and report them.  It’s a very intimidating place.  To a young person I can imagine it would be scary.  To me, it incenses me.  They too scrutinize your every word, they look at you with disgust.  I get they are low paid, over worked employees of the state, but kindness is free.  And I would be willing to bet the majority of people coming through their doors do not want to be there.

I am tired of being judged because of where my life has taken me.  I am tired of people looking down on me and assuming I am a lazy, drain on society.  I have mental illness, I have enough to worry about, I don’t need to worry about the fact that my being poor is yet another thing that makes me different from everyone else around me.  I already live the fact that it makes my life harder.

So next time you see someone swipe their food stamps card give them a smile not a smirk.  If you hear someone lambasting the “welfare rats” remind them most people don’t want to be there.  And most importantly remember- kindness is always free.

Until next time.

What do you want to do Part 2

DollyForSue

“I haven’t any dreams left to dream” ~Dolly from Rudolph-the-Red-Nosed Reindeer 

I don’t know what I want to do. Sometimes I have thoughts.  Are they dreams?  Pipe dreams?  I don’t even know. But is it too late for me?  Will I fail and fall on my face?  Sometimes I think I have a spark of a dream and reality comes crashing in and I remember that I live in the real world, not some made up utopia where things work out.

I don’t know if I know how to dream anymore.  At least not for myself.  I have plenty of hopes and dreams for my children.  Maybe that’s what I need to do, maybe just focus all my attention there…. but I do worry if I do that, in 10 years, when little one is graduating and I am 51 I will still have no idea who I am and what I want to do, and I won’t have any children to put all my focus into….

Until next time I’ll keep thinking on this…

 

In an effort to be more productive….

The other day I was thinking about how much time I spend scrolling up and down my newsfeed, and refreshing over and over again.  I decided to shut off all notifications of facebook (but not messenger since that’s my main means of communication with just about everyone).  I moved the app to an unused page of my phone screen.

Poof.  Less facebook = so much more time for everything else right?  WRONG.  Haven’t been to facebook in 2 days so far.  But I find other ways to waste my time- staring at the kitchen clock works well.  As does laying my head on my laptop.  Oh Oh and sitting staring into space.  There’s not shortage of time wasters in my vicinity.

I have had super duper anxiety lately, and yet very little affect.  I just have no motivation to even move my face… but my legs are jiggling like crazy under the table….

I need to get motivated and get through this semester then – graduation at which time I can commence sleeping in my chair all day again.

Schools out for Christmas.

Turned in my term paper and took my final and with that this semester is closed. I have received my final grade in on class 98.75% not too shabby ;). Waiting on grades for my other 3 classes – supposed to post by Saturday.

I was looking forward to a good month off- but instead I decided to take a winter term class. WHAT IN THE WORLD IS WRONG WITH ME???

But by doing that I will be able to take 3 classes next semester (MY LAST ONE!!) instead of 4. And one class I took only lasts 7 weeks, so after that I will be in 2 classes until I graduate.

Other than that, things haven’t really changed – just plodding along. Hubby and I were talking yesterday and I said something – I don’t remember what- and he said in a surprised tone- do you think you’ll never get better?” I was brutally honest. I told him I am definitely losing hope of that and that I’m beginning to believe this is as good as it will ever get. He said he can’t believe that’s the case.

But it’s true. I think over the past couple of years and I don’t see very much progress. It’s disheartening.

I guess that’s all. Until next time…

Why is it always the same?

I started Lyrica the other day. It sucks. It’s not helping the widespread pain and I think it’s making me more depressed (if that’s even possible).

The freaking ringing in my ears can stop at anytime. I am seriously ready to just take a screwdriver to each ear and make myself deaf. If you want to know what it sounds like EVERYDAY, ALL DAY visit this link https://www.hear-it.org/Impressions-of-hearing-loss-and-Tinnitus- and click on Tinnitus example 1. It’s the buzz over the music. Imagine that loud 24/7. It’s maddening. I probably will wind up in a looney bin.

On top of all of this, we are supposed to be getting a new furnace through our local community action facility (basically helps poor people with things- yes I’m poor. ). But it isn’t coming until January. Our back up heat – the woodstove- is all well and good but we have MAYBE 2 days of wood left. No agencies around here can help until January. I had saved some money for the past couple months for an activity we are doing in January and wood is now going to take most of it. We started this furnace process in August. I’m praying the company can come before January- this stinks.

Basically everything sucks and is overwhelming. This is also the last 2 weeks of classes and the depression has zapped all motivation to finish this semester strong.

Pray that I can get through this all, if you are the praying type.

Until next time….