Guilt

I am full of guilt all the time. Guilt when I inadvertently let a friend down, when I get irritated with my husband or my children, guilt because I gave up on homeschooling, because my house isn’t clean enough, I don’t read enough to my kids, I don’t take them fun places all the time- and the list could stretch to infinity.

But this morning my heart felt a tiny bit better. I brought little one to school and saw in passing her regular teacher, her title 1 math and title 1 reading teacher and I got the chance to chat with each of them for a couple minutes and each one of them separately said how well she’s doing, how much progress she’s made, and one of them said several times that she loves her. So while the guilt of being a homeschool quitter, and lacking the ability to teach her to read is still there nagging at me incessantly- it feels good to know I sent her to a place where the teachers love her.

The Good Doctor

Has anyone seen this show? I just watched the pilot. I cried my eyes out. Yes, parts of the story were sad, but what broke my heart was thinking about my own son.

This show is based about a doctor with Autism, he is brilliant. He is mistreated by his fellow surgeons because of his diagnosis.

My son, is brilliant. His IQ is in the superior range. But unfortunately he has no motivation, and does the bare minimum to skate by- he should be applying himself because he has lofty goals, he wants to be the CEO of Nintendo. He wants to code video games, make new Pokémon games, design games of his own, but if he continues to not apply his brilliance, if he continues to not take his studies seriously, where is he going to end up? McDonald’s? Walmart? Unemployed living in our home?

I want so much more for him. I want everything I don’t have, I want financial security, I want his hopes and dreams to come true, I want the best for both my kids. How do I sit back and watch my oldest, throw his next 4 years away making it so he doesn’t get into a good college while his dreams swirl down the toilet?

Kids sure know how to break your heart.

875+

875 cuts on my arms.  Plus “NO 175” carved on the soft inner skin of my right arm. 175 2 Times on my right arm and 175 3 Times on my left.  One set of 175 to count the number of days little one has school. 1 set wasn’t enough.  2 wasn’t either.  I had to keep going like a compulsion until the outer pain trumped the inner. But it doesn’t really.  My heart hurts tonight.

Little one is so excited.  She can barely contain herself. Im happy for her- she’ll never know how much I hurt tonight.

I hope my husband doesn’t hate me…. he hates it when I hurt myself.

T-minus not even 12 hours…

As I was packing little one’s lunch for school tomorrow, my tears mixed with her deli ham and soft shell tortilla. I never wanted to send her to school, I still really don’t want to send her to school.

I have so many worries- will she make friends? Or will she struggle like I did?

Will she have someone to sit with at lunch?

Will she be able to do the work?

Will she miss me?

How will I get through my day without my light?

Will she like it? (secretly I don’t want her to so that I can keep her home with me).

Germs, germs, germs.

I’m sending the nice one, who loves me to school and keeping the one who hates and abuses me home.

What if, what if, what if…..

 

 

How Did I Get Here?

Do you ever just look around at your life and wonder what the heck happened any how you got here?

I got the results of my thyroid etc tests.  Everything was perfect, even my TSH went from 4.08 to 1.82. My antibodies were negative, my adrenal was fine everything was perfect. Except it’s not.  That means all my problems are between my ears.

It’s sad to think that good news made me sad. I should be happy my thyroid isn’t shot, but I’m not.  That would have provided an explanation that went beyond psychiatric. But no. I couldn’t get so lucky.  I know that sounds ridiculous but without a medical explanation it is all psychiatric. That’s so depressing.

That’s all I have for now.

World Traveler

Ok so this one was written pre-surgery too, just barely 7/13/17 12:17am

I was reading a blog from someone in Europe and it made me think about the dreams I’ve always had about traveling.  

There is so much of this country, and this world I want to see.  I want to see New York City, I want to see the Grand Canyon, I want to see the Rocky Mountains, I want to drive Route 66, I want to go back to San Francisco, I want to see LA.  And Hawaii we can’t forget Hawaii! And that’s just here in the USA. 

I want to see more of the Caribbean. I want to go to Canada.  I want to see France, Spain, Britain, Ireland, Scotland, New Zealand, Australia, and I know there are some more that I am forgetting. 

I don’t know if this is another dream that will die  and not come true or if someday I will get to see all these wonderfully exotic places.  But for now maybe I’ll hold onto the dream for a little while.