Schools out for Christmas.

Turned in my term paper and took my final and with that this semester is closed. I have received my final grade in on class 98.75% not too shabby ;). Waiting on grades for my other 3 classes – supposed to post by Saturday.

I was looking forward to a good month off- but instead I decided to take a winter term class. WHAT IN THE WORLD IS WRONG WITH ME???

But by doing that I will be able to take 3 classes next semester (MY LAST ONE!!) instead of 4. And one class I took only lasts 7 weeks, so after that I will be in 2 classes until I graduate.

Other than that, things haven’t really changed – just plodding along. Hubby and I were talking yesterday and I said something – I don’t remember what- and he said in a surprised tone- do you think you’ll never get better?” I was brutally honest. I told him I am definitely losing hope of that and that I’m beginning to believe this is as good as it will ever get. He said he can’t believe that’s the case.

But it’s true. I think over the past couple of years and I don’t see very much progress. It’s disheartening.

I guess that’s all. Until next time…

Why is it always the same?

I started Lyrica the other day. It sucks. It’s not helping the widespread pain and I think it’s making me more depressed (if that’s even possible).

The freaking ringing in my ears can stop at anytime. I am seriously ready to just take a screwdriver to each ear and make myself deaf. If you want to know what it sounds like EVERYDAY, ALL DAY visit this link https://www.hear-it.org/Impressions-of-hearing-loss-and-Tinnitus- and click on Tinnitus example 1. It’s the buzz over the music. Imagine that loud 24/7. It’s maddening. I probably will wind up in a looney bin.

On top of all of this, we are supposed to be getting a new furnace through our local community action facility (basically helps poor people with things- yes I’m poor. ). But it isn’t coming until January. Our back up heat – the woodstove- is all well and good but we have MAYBE 2 days of wood left. No agencies around here can help until January. I had saved some money for the past couple months for an activity we are doing in January and wood is now going to take most of it. We started this furnace process in August. I’m praying the company can come before January- this stinks.

Basically everything sucks and is overwhelming. This is also the last 2 weeks of classes and the depression has zapped all motivation to finish this semester strong.

Pray that I can get through this all, if you are the praying type.

Until next time….

So How DO I live???

I have spent a good amount of time thinking about my last post. About how I don’t really “LIVE”.  And the goal of my DBT group is to “have a life worth living”.

So HOW do I live? How do I go out and find happiness, how do I find joy?  I think I have something like a sleep mask over my eyes.  Not only can I not see what’s right in front of my face, I can’t see far enough to find things I enjoy.

I was going to make this post a lot longer, talking about all the things I “used” to enjoy.  All the things that helped me live.  But the more I thought about the things I lost, the tighter I felt blinded from seeing joy.

This, I need to figure out.

A Million Dreams…

Somedays are better than others. The past week or so has been rough.  I’m sad again.  It’s a life of ups and downs. But I don’t really want to get into that today because there is something else on my mind…

Today, my little one was walking around singing the song “A Millions Dreams” from The Greatest Showman movie.  She’s never seen the movie so I had to ask her where she heard it, and she told me our friend’s car.  This friend drove her to and from Vacation Bible School last week.  I smiled.

I love that song. But I love even more that she loves that song. To me, that song epitomizes her. She is a dreamer, a free spirit, just an all around pretty awesome person.

I look forward to seeing her grow, I hope she never stops dreaming.  I want to see her dreams realized in big ways.

There is something about her, when I look at her, I see it.  I see her whole life laid out in front of me.  I just hope she has the courage I never did. But no matter what her dreams are, what they become or who she becomes she will always shine brighter than the sun. Always.

For those who haven’t heard the song: https://youtu.be/-rxgAh1bnHU

 

I want what she has…

My daughter went into first grade in public school this year. I have homeschooled for the past five years. She did first grade at home last year but I just couldn’t teach her to read, or write her letters and numbers.

As it turned out she had an issue with her eyes that needed therapy weekly. She entered first grade without ANY sight words. She struggled writing letters correctly (she still does but it’s so much better). In January with interventions she made it to level 4/5. When they leave first grade they want them to be level 16-20. It was pretty clear my daughter would need summer school. Each week she inched along. About a month or so ago she was at a level 12. Which is AMAZING progress, but they were still recommending summer school.

I got an email from her teacher the other day, her final assessment put her at a level 16, 98% fluency and instructional level comprehension.

I could learn a lot from this soon to be 8 year old. She went from the bottom of the ladder in reading, so to speak, and with hard work and determination she got herself to the top.

She is one of the kindest friendliest child in the first grade. She helps her classmates with the subjects she’s strong in. She’s something special that’s for sure.

And she doesn’t give up. She’s strong. She must have a belief in herself to go from where she was to where she is.

I would be remiss to not also recognize the teacher and reading recovery teacher she had. They were AMAZING and both will be missed terribly. But without an inner drive, an inner strength, even with all the help in the world she wouldn’t have gone as far as she did. No one, not me, not her father, not her teachers expected her to catch up to the other students in a school year. She had eye issues, she was basically starting from scratch. But she surprised us all.

I want to be her when I grow up. I want to be the person who can be last in the race, keep on trucking and finish with everyone else.

She is my hero.

My Apologies….

Despite my best efforts to keep up with the blogs I follow, I haven’t been very good at it.  There are days I am barely good at getting out of bed.  Please forgive me, and know I am reading as often as I can, and you are all in my thoughts and prayers.

 

Homework

Princess Glitter Sparkle, much like PollyAnna assigns homework.  I told her this week that inside her isn’t blood it’s glitter. She’s just -glitter.  There’s no way else to describe it.  She’s glitter in people form.

So she asked me to draw what I want to look like inside- and this was the result..

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