My brother commented that my blog had slowed down. He was right. I told him it’s because Im at a point where I just don’t care most of the time. It’s like this feeling of apathy. I am an automaton I just get through the day most of the time. I get up as late as I can- today it was 10am, on school days I try to get up by 7am, but I have been getting up at 8 or 8:30. I eat breakfast usually a yogurt (which honestly, I hate worth a passion). Or a bowl of cereal- much more yummy, but bad for me sugar wise. Then we start school, my kids don’t exactly cooperate for that. I love them more than life itself, but it’s so exhausting to school both children. Big one is more independent plus he had gone to public school for the first 3 years, so someone else had taught him to read, and he didn’t have an eye problem like little one has. So I feel like a failure, I know it’s not my fault nor is it her fault but it’s hard. Homeschooling is so hard.
I have a freshman who will do anything to get out of assignments or do the bare minimum but has lofty goals of MIT and working for Nintendo as a video game creator. It’s a constant battle to get him to finish the assignments, and to top it off he has all his therapies- counseling 20 hours of in home support. Which in and of itself is awkward – I don’t even know how to spell awkward anymore… was that right? In home supports to help teach him skills, up his tolerance levels, etc. But I feel like she’s always watching me. Every time I fall asleep from exhaustion, or I give in when I am supposed to hold my ground I wonder what she’s writing about me on her notes. In fact I got a call from her supervisor yesterday basically telling me that I can’t change the treatment plan without a meeting to discuss it. Excuse me? Here’s what went down. Big One has to do a 20 minute activity with little one very shift and it has to be her choice of activities with some exceptions – no dolls, dress up etc. During that time he whines, moans and complains, which makes the time less than pleasant for little one. And little one has been complaining that big one hasn’t been spending much time with her, in fact none save the 20 minute activity he yells and screams through. So I said let’s let each of them choose a 30 minute activity and then it will be fair and there will be something for everyone. But apparently as his MOTHER that’s not allowed. Not to mention that he’s bipolar and on the spectrum. In the time it’s taken me to write this I have had to remind him to do the same chore no less than 6 times, and he’s interrupted this paragraph no less than 10 times with video game and Pokemon stories that I don’t care about, and he doesn’t seem to care that I am doing something. This coming week we add Math to our lessons so life is about to get interesting.
Then there is little one. She’s A LOT, she’s busy, she’s ADHD and anxiety, we were doing Ritalin but she didn’t sleep, so we tried adding a sleeping pill that didn’t work. So Hubby and I just stopped medicating her and living with it. But I am sure the Dr won’t be happy about that either. I had talked to her and she suggested just cutting the afternoon dose but my kid was just so calm- eerily calm- like stepford children calm- and I wasn’t having that. It creeped me out. She’s my bubbly, happy kid and I can’t lose that I have sullen bipolar teenager I can’t lose the light in the family.
And as for me, PollyAnna is hard on me which I need but sometimes it seems too much. Like I am only allowed 1 nap a day lasting no more than 1 hour, and for each hour I nap I have to color her a page…. I napped 3 consecutive hours yesterday because I had to go to our homeschool co op kickoff and socialize and pretend life is good, and it just took all I had. So I owe her 3 pages.
My dad isn’t speaking with my sister so I am the one that gets the social work calls, I am the one being asked to try to force him to do things. He still intimidates me, how am I supposed to force him to do anything.
We are slowly creeping up on the one year anniversary of my breakdown at my mom’s fall/halloween themed weekend and my stomach churns every time I think about it. But not going isn’t an option. I feel like for the most part I have no control over my own life. Everyone tells me where I should be, where I have to be, who I have be. Im not even who I used to be.
I used to cook. A lot. I used to bake. I was known for my cooking- no exaggeration, this morning I couldn’t even make my signature breakfast- Crepes. They looked like a mess of goo….
I don’t know what’s next for me. And that’s why I don’t write as much. Even the thought of getting the computer out to type a blog seems like more energy than I have to expend.
Today I am sad for the first time in a while. That is so much more comfortable for me than apathy. Not caring, indifference scares me. It makes me worried about where I go from there.
My final carpal tunnel surgery is on Tuesday, and for the first time in my life I haven’t bitten my nails in months. Yes some of them have broken but I have some nice long ones. And long sleeve weather is upon us…. after surgery I can use my favorite coping skill….
I gut that’s all. Until next time. There brother of mine, the fat ugly truth of it all. Sis isn’t doing well AT ALL.