Faking It

I hear it all the time- “fake it till you make it”.  And that’s what I have been doing the past couple months. Faking it.  And I think I do a pretty good job, only those closest to me know the truth.

In fact last week I was lamenting to my husband that I think all my friends hate me now, and that I don’t have any friends.  He told me that I am lost in my own head.  He’s right.  My brain never stops.

I am convinced I am doing everything wrong with my children, I am scared for Big One, he says he’s being bullied at high school, and his doctor’s and therapist say I need to let him try to work it out.  But I don’t want to, and I am worried about him.  I am worried he will be bullied so badly he will become a statistic- I almost did in high school, until I found a group.  So what if they were just 4 of the nerdiest boys in school.  I had a group where I could feel safe.  I want that for him.  Little one is reading now.  I should be happy right? Im not.  Im not happy because I didn’t teach her, I tried- oh how I tried.  But I couldn’t do it.

Sometimes I miss homeschooling, I miss my homeschooling tribe.  But I also know I am in no way capable of homeschooling at this point.  And may never be with Big one, and  Little one- she loves school. It would be selfish of me to not let her go.

I am tired of being sore.  My ankles are still sore and I am still in PT for those. And my hips still need help, I can’t sit criss-cross-applesauce.

I am concerned about finances.  We pretty much put this whole Christmas on credit. Not good.  I am praying with all I have that hubby gets his Social Security approval so we can pay down our debts.

I am not sure I like my new counselor, no particular reason I am just not sure I like her.

I am worried ( when I say, worried, concerned etc what I really mean is extremely anxious) about hubby and his medical issues.  He slept a good 8 hours last night and now he’s sleeping in his chair snoring- it’s 10:32am.

I am worried that this is as good as life gets.  I am sick of being poor, sick of hubby being sick (not because I am annoyed with him, but because I feel bad for him and me, we can’t do the things we used to), I am sick of Big One being emotionally and verbally abusive. I am sick of the way he and little one play off each other and fight.  I often consider running away, and have thought a lot about a crisis unit.

Basically my life is a mess.  A complete mess.  And I don’t know how to clean it up.

Until next time.

Slower than usual….

My brother commented that my blog had slowed down.  He was right.  I told him it’s because Im at a point where I just don’t care most of the time. It’s like this feeling of apathy. I am an automaton I just get through the day most of the time. I get up as late as I can- today it was 10am, on school days I try to get up by 7am, but I have been getting up at 8 or 8:30. I eat breakfast usually a yogurt (which honestly, I hate worth a passion).  Or a bowl of cereal- much more yummy, but bad for me sugar wise. Then we start school, my kids don’t exactly cooperate for that.  I love them more than life itself, but it’s so exhausting to school both children.  Big one is more independent plus he had gone to public school for the first 3 years, so someone else had taught him to read, and he didn’t have an eye problem like little one has. So I feel like a failure, I know it’s not my fault nor is it her fault but it’s hard. Homeschooling is so hard.

I have a freshman who will do anything to get out of assignments or do the bare minimum but has lofty goals of MIT and working for Nintendo as a video game creator.  It’s a constant battle to get him to finish the assignments, and to top it off he has all his therapies- counseling 20 hours of in home support.  Which in and of itself is awkward – I don’t even know how to spell awkward anymore… was that right? In home supports to help teach him skills, up his tolerance levels, etc.  But I feel like she’s always watching me.  Every time I fall asleep from exhaustion, or I give in when I am supposed to hold my ground I wonder what she’s writing about me on her notes. In fact I got a call from her supervisor yesterday basically telling me that I can’t change the treatment plan without a meeting to discuss it.  Excuse me? Here’s what went down.  Big One has to do a 20 minute activity with little one very shift and it has to be her choice of activities with some exceptions – no dolls, dress up etc. During that time he whines, moans and complains, which makes the time less than pleasant for little one. And little one has been complaining that big one hasn’t been  spending much time with her, in fact none save the 20 minute activity he yells and screams through. So I said let’s let each of them choose a 30 minute activity and then it will be fair and there will be something for everyone. But apparently as his MOTHER that’s not allowed.  Not to mention that he’s bipolar and on the spectrum.  In the time it’s taken me to write this I have had to remind him to do the same chore no less than 6 times, and he’s interrupted this paragraph no less than 10 times with video game and Pokemon stories that I don’t care about, and he doesn’t seem to care that I am doing something.  This coming week we add Math to our lessons so life is about to get interesting.

Then there is little one. She’s A LOT, she’s busy, she’s ADHD and anxiety, we were doing Ritalin but she didn’t sleep, so we tried adding a sleeping pill that didn’t work. So Hubby and I just stopped medicating her and living with it. But I am sure the Dr won’t be happy about that either. I had talked to her and she suggested just cutting the afternoon dose but my kid was just so calm- eerily calm- like stepford children calm- and I wasn’t having that. It creeped me out.  She’s my bubbly, happy kid and I can’t lose that I have sullen bipolar teenager I can’t lose the light in the family.

And as for me, PollyAnna is hard on me which I need but sometimes it seems too much. Like I am only allowed 1 nap a day lasting no more than 1 hour, and for each hour I nap I have to color her a page….  I napped 3 consecutive hours yesterday because I had to go to our homeschool co op kickoff and socialize and pretend life is good, and it just took all I had. So I owe her 3 pages.

My dad isn’t speaking with my sister so I am the one that gets the social work calls, I am the one being asked to try to force him to do things.  He still intimidates me, how am I supposed to force him to do anything.

We are slowly creeping up on the one year anniversary of my breakdown at my mom’s fall/halloween themed weekend and my stomach churns every time I think about it. But not going isn’t an option.  I feel like for the most part I have no control over my own life. Everyone tells me where I should be, where I have to be, who I have be. Im not even who I used to be.

I used to cook. A lot. I used to bake. I was known for my cooking- no exaggeration, this morning I couldn’t even make my signature breakfast- Crepes. They looked like a mess of goo….


I don’t know what’s next for me.  And that’s why I don’t write as much.  Even the thought of getting the computer out to type a blog seems like more energy than I have to expend.

Today I am sad for the first time in a while.  That is so much more comfortable for me than apathy.  Not caring, indifference scares me.  It makes me worried about where I go from there.

My final carpal tunnel surgery is on Tuesday, and for the first time in my life I haven’t bitten my nails in months.  Yes some of them have broken but I have some nice long ones.  And long sleeve weather is upon us…. after surgery I can use my favorite coping skill….

I gut that’s all. Until next time.  There brother of mine, the fat ugly truth of it all. Sis isn’t doing well AT ALL.








Been away a couple days…

This was a hugely busy weekend in our family.  TWO parties for my little princess; one with just the 4 of us and one with my family.  The day of her actual birthday went pretty well.  We princess dictate the day so she stayed in her pajamas, watched TV played on her iPad and played with her gifts. Trolls and Shopkins. I still took my nap- infant I was as EXHAUSTED as if I had given birth that day because she wouldn’t go to sleep. It was after 1am before I just told her to come into our bed and she finally slept.  That night wasn’t much better.  When we went to bed between 11 and 12 she was still awake.  In Clonidine XR. So we said come on and sleep with us.

Around 4am I woke up COVERED in pee. Myself and my bed were SOAKED.  So I made little one change and this time remember a pull up and I changed and laid a towel on the bed. When we got up Saturday morning, and realized that big one still had soaked sheet in the washer and something had clogged it, that I had a duvet, sheets, blanket and mattress pad plus big one had wet AGAIN, and people would be at our house shortly, off to the laundry mat I went. $30 later it was all clean and the big stuff dried.  We dried the sheets here. Of course my anxiety was in full force and I decided to give little one a med vacation this week, since my mom will be taking her overnight this week. Then she can’t blame anything on the meds and me ruining her with them.

Saturday night was a church thing, I just didn’t have it in me, so hubby and big one went.  Just as well I was dog tired and didn’t want to talk to anyone else once my brother left (around 7:30).   I showered (for the 2nd time that day) to get the outside off me.  And tried to get little one to bed till after midnight but she finally slept AND stayed in her own room.

Sunday we all slept in and missed church. That was ok with me, I was peopled out. But we did still have a birthday party to go to.  We went, hubby took the kids swimming, and I hung out in the building. We stayed 3 hours, and I was DONE… came home and showered off the outside and as a family we tried to watch guardians of the galaxy two until it was time for hubby to cook dinner. Per my usual MO I went to sleep at least I only missed about 20 minutes of the movie before he shut it off so that he could go cook dinner I ate dinner I surprisingly stayed awake through the rest of the movie and then we all went to bed early except little one who stayed up in her room playing until midnight. I tried something new with her telling her that I would come in every 10 minutes and check on her and that seemed to work because she was asleep before the first 10 minute check in I think we’re going to try that from now on.

Today I have had ZERO motivation. I got up at 8:15 and was napping by 9:45.  I really want another but I have a meeting in 50 mins.  I keep thinking my anxiety and OCD are up (which they are) and my depression is taking a back burner but PollyAnna keeps reminding me that no motivation, feeling indifferent, and sleeping as often as I can is depression.  I don’t have to be crying, yelling, and freaking out all the time to be depressed. 

I’m having my 2nd carpal tunnel on the 5th of Sept and that’s my last scheduled surgery. I’m growing my fingernails out for the occasion when my surgeries and stitches are out- I can finally scratch again.  Mary Poppins wants to keep me scheduled in surgeries perpetually because I won’t scratch if I am due for surgeries because open wounds + hospitals = not a good idea. I know it makes me sound crazy but I need to put my obsessions  and compulsions went somewhere because right now I’m holding them all in and I feel like I’m going to burst because I can’t eat them away because I’m following a diabetic diet that the endocrinologist gave me and I can’t exercise them away because I’m still on restriction for my hip so the only thing I can do is pull out my hair which I don’t have enough hair to begin with so I really need to get it out.

Mundane life….

Lately it seems like every day is like the one before.  The new med the endocrinologist put me on makes me sick, I either nauseous or have gastro issues.  I can’t even remember what happened the past couple days. Well, with the exception on yesterday.

Right now we are in school prep mode, so I am trying to gather all our curriculum and clean the school room, that became a junk room over the past year because we schooled at the table, but hubby wants to separate the kids- probably a good idea. I don’t have much energy to get it done.  The old me would have had it done weeks ago, and school planned till Christmas. I will probably end up doing all my planning last minute.

Yesterday, I was scheduled to go see my mother, sister, brother-in-law, nephew and step-dad. I was going to wear the snarkiest shirt I have “Im real good at making bad decisions”, but after I did my quiet time and read my Bible, the Holy Spirit prompted me with an article on how to make WISE decisions and one of them was “does it glorify God?” So, I unpacked my snarky shirt and wore a plain purple one.   I went with the intention of not discussing the email, and to go with a spirit that Jesus would have, of love, forgiveness and reconciliation.  And as always God’s way was the best way.  The BBQ went fine, the kids had fun, the email was not brought up and life moved on.  That’s not to say I didn’t want to point out how different my kids were this year since last year, but I resisted the urge.  It wasn’t easy.  But I made it through the day.

Tomorrow, I get to go see Dr Handsome for my 9 week follow up on my hip surgery. A very long drive which I am having anxiety about. But I have to go, and little one has OT so hubby has to take her to that.  Im not really sure what he will do at this appointment, or what he tell me I am allowed to do.  I am pretty certain that my other hip has the same issue but, it also could have to do with the fact that I have overcompensated the other hip.  So I will probably wait a while to make sure it’s not just that.

My anxiety has been somewhat high lately, and I haven’t been as diligent at taking my valium and I have been getting chest pains, pains that wrap around my whole body and hurt into my back. I need to be better at taking them, because obviously missing them is really affecting me.

Another Day with PollyAnna

Whew what a session today. She called me out on every time I avoided, or tried to change the subject.

Today we talked about mom’s non response- which she has responded now. I am still processing the response but it’s better than I expected.

I don’t remember all the stuff we talked about, I was on screech today, jumping from topic to topic until we got to the topic of my brain, and how I feel like it’s separated into two parts. One side is orderly.  It’s where I keep this filing cabinet of information, facts, dates, numbers, things I can pull out of a hat to impress people with my knowledge and my intelligence. I need validation and praise. I thrive on it, it’s like a drug.

The other half of my brain is chaos it’s where everything else is.  That’s where everything else is.  The negative feelings, negative self talk, sadness abuse, avoidance, feeling not good enough etc etc.

And I’m standing between A double yellow line trying to walk in both parts of my brain. My sister calls that ambivalence I call it exhaustion…

I don’t know what I would look like without chaos in my brain, and I worry that I would look like a super Duper control freak if I I only had order, my sister wants to know why order has to equal control and that’s a question I can’t answer. How can it not equal control because in order to have order someone has to set up that order.

Pollyanna asked if I’m ready to live without The chaos and to be honest with you I don’t know.

Keeping up Appearances Part 2

When I got home from getting big one from camp, I put on gloves and cleaned both my bathrooms, my brother is visiting tomorrow.  I can’t have company with a dirty bathroom, it wouldn’t keep up appearances. And here’s the rub- he knows everything about my journey, because he reads this blog. He’s the only one of my family members that does I believe…. my sister may from time to time. So since he knows all this, he probably wouldn’t care, in fact he would probably understand why they were dirty. But I have to keep up appearances.

Now here’s the question…. do I clean up all the toys my daughter took out and didn’t clean up before bed?

Or do I just let it be? It definitely wouldn’t be keeping up any semblance of appearances…


Keeping up appearances…

When you grow up as an abused child you learn very early to keep up appearances.

In my family we had to pretend to be the Brady Bunch. He actually told us that. Dad could’ve just finished screaming and yelling at us, or hitting us with his belt but is soon as we were in public he put on his charm everyone loved him and we had to be the perfect family. My mom the Stepford wife, us girls the Stepford children. And so it was until my parents split.

And then after that dad blamed Mom, he was the victim, and appearances were kept up. When he owned his business and it was failing appearances kept up and no one knew until the doors were closed.

I know that’s why he’s fought his diabetes, his leg amputation, and his finger amputation. Appearances are everything, if it looks good on the outside if you’re charming and nobody will know the truth.

That’s why for years no one knew how bad my anxiety was. I kept up appearances. I ran homeschool co-op’s, my kids were in karate, played soccer, play basketball, did everything. I was Susie homemaker the house was clean dinner was very rarely something simple like mac & cheese I was keeping up appearances. What seemed like a controlling, hard ass was really someone trying to keep herself from falling apart and letting people see her for who she really was, someone broken.

When I had my breakdown it was a shock the people closest to me didn’t understand where it came from but I think it just my brain one day got overloaded I didn’t realize I was depressed because anxiety was suppressing it.

And even now I’m keeping up appearances, I am devastated no more than devastated by the text I received earlier from that family member. I haven’t wanted to hurt myself more in a very long time then I did today. But you know why I didn’t? Appearances. I see my hand doctor on Monday I wouldn’t want them to see the marks on my arms and with as hot as it’s been I’m going to want to wear shorts so I can’t mark up my legs. I thought about my feet but my physical therapist makes me take off my socks often so that’s out of the question too. I have been unable to find an outlet for this pain except feel it and I can handle it but I have to keep up appearances.

Earlier I went outside and helped my husband move his derelict car from the barn to under the barn. I was hot, sweaty and covered in chicken dust, I had to go pick up my son at church camp where he’s been for the past week so I had to shower and put on clean clothes because I had appearances to keep up. But I did one thing to remind myself that my insides do not match my outsides…

I left the house in a nice outfit, clean and smelling fresh- with mismatched socks. From now on that will be the sign of my mental state. I know it’s a fad with kids these days but for me it’s a sign that I’m not Carol Brady, and appearances are only skin deep, the battles are fought inside- and mine is raging.