Mundane life….

Lately it seems like every day is like the one before.  The new med the endocrinologist put me on makes me sick, I either nauseous or have gastro issues.  I can’t even remember what happened the past couple days. Well, with the exception on yesterday.

Right now we are in school prep mode, so I am trying to gather all our curriculum and clean the school room, that became a junk room over the past year because we schooled at the table, but hubby wants to separate the kids- probably a good idea. I don’t have much energy to get it done.  The old me would have had it done weeks ago, and school planned till Christmas. I will probably end up doing all my planning last minute.

Yesterday, I was scheduled to go see my mother, sister, brother-in-law, nephew and step-dad. I was going to wear the snarkiest shirt I have “Im real good at making bad decisions”, but after I did my quiet time and read my Bible, the Holy Spirit prompted me with an article on how to make WISE decisions and one of them was “does it glorify God?” So, I unpacked my snarky shirt and wore a plain purple one.   I went with the intention of not discussing the email, and to go with a spirit that Jesus would have, of love, forgiveness and reconciliation.  And as always God’s way was the best way.  The BBQ went fine, the kids had fun, the email was not brought up and life moved on.  That’s not to say I didn’t want to point out how different my kids were this year since last year, but I resisted the urge.  It wasn’t easy.  But I made it through the day.

Tomorrow, I get to go see Dr Handsome for my 9 week follow up on my hip surgery. A very long drive which I am having anxiety about. But I have to go, and little one has OT so hubby has to take her to that.  Im not really sure what he will do at this appointment, or what he tell me I am allowed to do.  I am pretty certain that my other hip has the same issue but, it also could have to do with the fact that I have overcompensated the other hip.  So I will probably wait a while to make sure it’s not just that.

My anxiety has been somewhat high lately, and I haven’t been as diligent at taking my valium and I have been getting chest pains, pains that wrap around my whole body and hurt into my back. I need to be better at taking them, because obviously missing them is really affecting me.

Another Day with PollyAnna

Whew what a session today. She called me out on every time I avoided, or tried to change the subject.

Today we talked about mom’s non response- which she has responded now. I am still processing the response but it’s better than I expected.

I don’t remember all the stuff we talked about, I was on screech today, jumping from topic to topic until we got to the topic of my brain, and how I feel like it’s separated into two parts. One side is orderly.  It’s where I keep this filing cabinet of information, facts, dates, numbers, things I can pull out of a hat to impress people with my knowledge and my intelligence. I need validation and praise. I thrive on it, it’s like a drug.

The other half of my brain is chaos it’s where everything else is.  That’s where everything else is.  The negative feelings, negative self talk, sadness abuse, avoidance, feeling not good enough etc etc.

And I’m standing between A double yellow line trying to walk in both parts of my brain. My sister calls that ambivalence I call it exhaustion…

I don’t know what I would look like without chaos in my brain, and I worry that I would look like a super Duper control freak if I I only had order, my sister wants to know why order has to equal control and that’s a question I can’t answer. How can it not equal control because in order to have order someone has to set up that order.

Pollyanna asked if I’m ready to live without The chaos and to be honest with you I don’t know.

Keeping up Appearances Part 2

When I got home from getting big one from camp, I put on gloves and cleaned both my bathrooms, my brother is visiting tomorrow.  I can’t have company with a dirty bathroom, it wouldn’t keep up appearances. And here’s the rub- he knows everything about my journey, because he reads this blog. He’s the only one of my family members that does I believe…. my sister may from time to time. So since he knows all this, he probably wouldn’t care, in fact he would probably understand why they were dirty. But I have to keep up appearances.

Now here’s the question…. do I clean up all the toys my daughter took out and didn’t clean up before bed?

Or do I just let it be? It definitely wouldn’t be keeping up any semblance of appearances…


Keeping up appearances…

When you grow up as an abused child you learn very early to keep up appearances.

In my family we had to pretend to be the Brady Bunch. He actually told us that. Dad could’ve just finished screaming and yelling at us, or hitting us with his belt but is soon as we were in public he put on his charm everyone loved him and we had to be the perfect family. My mom the Stepford wife, us girls the Stepford children. And so it was until my parents split.

And then after that dad blamed Mom, he was the victim, and appearances were kept up. When he owned his business and it was failing appearances kept up and no one knew until the doors were closed.

I know that’s why he’s fought his diabetes, his leg amputation, and his finger amputation. Appearances are everything, if it looks good on the outside if you’re charming and nobody will know the truth.

That’s why for years no one knew how bad my anxiety was. I kept up appearances. I ran homeschool co-op’s, my kids were in karate, played soccer, play basketball, did everything. I was Susie homemaker the house was clean dinner was very rarely something simple like mac & cheese I was keeping up appearances. What seemed like a controlling, hard ass was really someone trying to keep herself from falling apart and letting people see her for who she really was, someone broken.

When I had my breakdown it was a shock the people closest to me didn’t understand where it came from but I think it just my brain one day got overloaded I didn’t realize I was depressed because anxiety was suppressing it.

And even now I’m keeping up appearances, I am devastated no more than devastated by the text I received earlier from that family member. I haven’t wanted to hurt myself more in a very long time then I did today. But you know why I didn’t? Appearances. I see my hand doctor on Monday I wouldn’t want them to see the marks on my arms and with as hot as it’s been I’m going to want to wear shorts so I can’t mark up my legs. I thought about my feet but my physical therapist makes me take off my socks often so that’s out of the question too. I have been unable to find an outlet for this pain except feel it and I can handle it but I have to keep up appearances.

Earlier I went outside and helped my husband move his derelict car from the barn to under the barn. I was hot, sweaty and covered in chicken dust, I had to go pick up my son at church camp where he’s been for the past week so I had to shower and put on clean clothes because I had appearances to keep up. But I did one thing to remind myself that my insides do not match my outsides…

I left the house in a nice outfit, clean and smelling fresh- with mismatched socks. From now on that will be the sign of my mental state. I know it’s a fad with kids these days but for me it’s a sign that I’m not Carol Brady, and appearances are only skin deep, the battles are fought inside- and mine is raging.