Posts I never post….

Do you ever pour your heart out into a post and never post it? Just save it to a draft and stuff the feelings down? I do.

Lack of Desire and Inability to Keep it Together….

First of all, been a while since I posted.  I haven’t been doing much lately.  I haven’t been drawing, or writing, or looking on Pinterest.  I go the appointments I have to go to, I go to baseball and lacrosse games when I have to, and I scroll facebook mindlessly for longer than I care to admit. I just have no desire/motivation to do anything anymore.  It sucks.  It just seems like nothing has been going right, and so I just feel BLAH.

As for keeping it together, we have 2 checkbooks and I can’t keep them balanced and with money in them not overdraft.  We are doing 2 different systems, cash like Dave Ramsay and debit cards.  It’s not working – we need to do one or the other. So tomorrow morning I have to go to both our banks and put some of our cash in so that everything thats floating in the ether will clear.

So yeah.

I want to cut

I want to cut so bad. The urge is almost unbearable. But I have to wear short sleeves tomorrow in front of my nephews birthday party, then to dinner with my in laws. And then Tuesday I have an MRI on my hip so I can’t carve up my leg… they’d know….

I am just feeling so low today. I don’t even know why.

This too shall pass?

Title…

I don’t know if I ever explained why I used the title I did for my blog.

I come from a community of people who are constantly telling me to smile. And well meaning people who tell me to “think positive”.

So, for the most part I hide my feelings inside.  I pretend everything is ok, even when my arms are cut up, or I have spent the morning crying.  It also refers to my signature move- stuff and avoid.

There is so much junk hiding in me, so many scars, and fresh wounds inside it would probably scare people away…. so those are “the things I hide inside”.

Even now, I have backslid in terms of depression, but I am keeping it hidden inside. No one knows I am constantly on the verge of tears, I am irritable and have a low tolerance for everything….

Faking It

I hear it all the time- “fake it till you make it”.  And that’s what I have been doing the past couple months. Faking it.  And I think I do a pretty good job, only those closest to me know the truth.

In fact last week I was lamenting to my husband that I think all my friends hate me now, and that I don’t have any friends.  He told me that I am lost in my own head.  He’s right.  My brain never stops.

I am convinced I am doing everything wrong with my children, I am scared for Big One, he says he’s being bullied at high school, and his doctor’s and therapist say I need to let him try to work it out.  But I don’t want to, and I am worried about him.  I am worried he will be bullied so badly he will become a statistic- I almost did in high school, until I found a group.  So what if they were just 4 of the nerdiest boys in school.  I had a group where I could feel safe.  I want that for him.  Little one is reading now.  I should be happy right? Im not.  Im not happy because I didn’t teach her, I tried- oh how I tried.  But I couldn’t do it.

Sometimes I miss homeschooling, I miss my homeschooling tribe.  But I also know I am in no way capable of homeschooling at this point.  And may never be with Big one, and  Little one- she loves school. It would be selfish of me to not let her go.

I am tired of being sore.  My ankles are still sore and I am still in PT for those. And my hips still need help, I can’t sit criss-cross-applesauce.

I am concerned about finances.  We pretty much put this whole Christmas on credit. Not good.  I am praying with all I have that hubby gets his Social Security approval so we can pay down our debts.

I am not sure I like my new counselor, no particular reason I am just not sure I like her.

I am worried ( when I say, worried, concerned etc what I really mean is extremely anxious) about hubby and his medical issues.  He slept a good 8 hours last night and now he’s sleeping in his chair snoring- it’s 10:32am.

I am worried that this is as good as life gets.  I am sick of being poor, sick of hubby being sick (not because I am annoyed with him, but because I feel bad for him and me, we can’t do the things we used to), I am sick of Big One being emotionally and verbally abusive. I am sick of the way he and little one play off each other and fight.  I often consider running away, and have thought a lot about a crisis unit.

Basically my life is a mess.  A complete mess.  And I don’t know how to clean it up.

Until next time.

Slower than usual….

My brother commented that my blog had slowed down.  He was right.  I told him it’s because Im at a point where I just don’t care most of the time. It’s like this feeling of apathy. I am an automaton I just get through the day most of the time. I get up as late as I can- today it was 10am, on school days I try to get up by 7am, but I have been getting up at 8 or 8:30. I eat breakfast usually a yogurt (which honestly, I hate worth a passion).  Or a bowl of cereal- much more yummy, but bad for me sugar wise. Then we start school, my kids don’t exactly cooperate for that.  I love them more than life itself, but it’s so exhausting to school both children.  Big one is more independent plus he had gone to public school for the first 3 years, so someone else had taught him to read, and he didn’t have an eye problem like little one has. So I feel like a failure, I know it’s not my fault nor is it her fault but it’s hard. Homeschooling is so hard.

I have a freshman who will do anything to get out of assignments or do the bare minimum but has lofty goals of MIT and working for Nintendo as a video game creator.  It’s a constant battle to get him to finish the assignments, and to top it off he has all his therapies- counseling 20 hours of in home support.  Which in and of itself is awkward – I don’t even know how to spell awkward anymore… was that right? In home supports to help teach him skills, up his tolerance levels, etc.  But I feel like she’s always watching me.  Every time I fall asleep from exhaustion, or I give in when I am supposed to hold my ground I wonder what she’s writing about me on her notes. In fact I got a call from her supervisor yesterday basically telling me that I can’t change the treatment plan without a meeting to discuss it.  Excuse me? Here’s what went down.  Big One has to do a 20 minute activity with little one very shift and it has to be her choice of activities with some exceptions – no dolls, dress up etc. During that time he whines, moans and complains, which makes the time less than pleasant for little one. And little one has been complaining that big one hasn’t been  spending much time with her, in fact none save the 20 minute activity he yells and screams through. So I said let’s let each of them choose a 30 minute activity and then it will be fair and there will be something for everyone. But apparently as his MOTHER that’s not allowed.  Not to mention that he’s bipolar and on the spectrum.  In the time it’s taken me to write this I have had to remind him to do the same chore no less than 6 times, and he’s interrupted this paragraph no less than 10 times with video game and Pokemon stories that I don’t care about, and he doesn’t seem to care that I am doing something.  This coming week we add Math to our lessons so life is about to get interesting.

Then there is little one. She’s A LOT, she’s busy, she’s ADHD and anxiety, we were doing Ritalin but she didn’t sleep, so we tried adding a sleeping pill that didn’t work. So Hubby and I just stopped medicating her and living with it. But I am sure the Dr won’t be happy about that either. I had talked to her and she suggested just cutting the afternoon dose but my kid was just so calm- eerily calm- like stepford children calm- and I wasn’t having that. It creeped me out.  She’s my bubbly, happy kid and I can’t lose that I have sullen bipolar teenager I can’t lose the light in the family.

And as for me, PollyAnna is hard on me which I need but sometimes it seems too much. Like I am only allowed 1 nap a day lasting no more than 1 hour, and for each hour I nap I have to color her a page….  I napped 3 consecutive hours yesterday because I had to go to our homeschool co op kickoff and socialize and pretend life is good, and it just took all I had. So I owe her 3 pages.

My dad isn’t speaking with my sister so I am the one that gets the social work calls, I am the one being asked to try to force him to do things.  He still intimidates me, how am I supposed to force him to do anything.

We are slowly creeping up on the one year anniversary of my breakdown at my mom’s fall/halloween themed weekend and my stomach churns every time I think about it. But not going isn’t an option.  I feel like for the most part I have no control over my own life. Everyone tells me where I should be, where I have to be, who I have be. Im not even who I used to be.

I used to cook. A lot. I used to bake. I was known for my cooking- no exaggeration, this morning I couldn’t even make my signature breakfast- Crepes. They looked like a mess of goo….

IMG_8035

I don’t know what’s next for me.  And that’s why I don’t write as much.  Even the thought of getting the computer out to type a blog seems like more energy than I have to expend.

Today I am sad for the first time in a while.  That is so much more comfortable for me than apathy.  Not caring, indifference scares me.  It makes me worried about where I go from there.

My final carpal tunnel surgery is on Tuesday, and for the first time in my life I haven’t bitten my nails in months.  Yes some of them have broken but I have some nice long ones.  And long sleeve weather is upon us…. after surgery I can use my favorite coping skill….

I gut that’s all. Until next time.  There brother of mine, the fat ugly truth of it all. Sis isn’t doing well AT ALL.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Been away a couple days…

This was a hugely busy weekend in our family.  TWO parties for my little princess; one with just the 4 of us and one with my family.  The day of her actual birthday went pretty well.  We princess dictate the day so she stayed in her pajamas, watched TV played on her iPad and played with her gifts. Trolls and Shopkins. I still took my nap- infant I was as EXHAUSTED as if I had given birth that day because she wouldn’t go to sleep. It was after 1am before I just told her to come into our bed and she finally slept.  That night wasn’t much better.  When we went to bed between 11 and 12 she was still awake.  In Clonidine XR. So we said come on and sleep with us.

Around 4am I woke up COVERED in pee. Myself and my bed were SOAKED.  So I made little one change and this time remember a pull up and I changed and laid a towel on the bed. When we got up Saturday morning, and realized that big one still had soaked sheet in the washer and something had clogged it, that I had a duvet, sheets, blanket and mattress pad plus big one had wet AGAIN, and people would be at our house shortly, off to the laundry mat I went. $30 later it was all clean and the big stuff dried.  We dried the sheets here. Of course my anxiety was in full force and I decided to give little one a med vacation this week, since my mom will be taking her overnight this week. Then she can’t blame anything on the meds and me ruining her with them.

Saturday night was a church thing, I just didn’t have it in me, so hubby and big one went.  Just as well I was dog tired and didn’t want to talk to anyone else once my brother left (around 7:30).   I showered (for the 2nd time that day) to get the outside off me.  And tried to get little one to bed till after midnight but she finally slept AND stayed in her own room.

Sunday we all slept in and missed church. That was ok with me, I was peopled out. But we did still have a birthday party to go to.  We went, hubby took the kids swimming, and I hung out in the building. We stayed 3 hours, and I was DONE… came home and showered off the outside and as a family we tried to watch guardians of the galaxy two until it was time for hubby to cook dinner. Per my usual MO I went to sleep at least I only missed about 20 minutes of the movie before he shut it off so that he could go cook dinner I ate dinner I surprisingly stayed awake through the rest of the movie and then we all went to bed early except little one who stayed up in her room playing until midnight. I tried something new with her telling her that I would come in every 10 minutes and check on her and that seemed to work because she was asleep before the first 10 minute check in I think we’re going to try that from now on.

Today I have had ZERO motivation. I got up at 8:15 and was napping by 9:45.  I really want another but I have a meeting in 50 mins.  I keep thinking my anxiety and OCD are up (which they are) and my depression is taking a back burner but PollyAnna keeps reminding me that no motivation, feeling indifferent, and sleeping as often as I can is depression.  I don’t have to be crying, yelling, and freaking out all the time to be depressed. 

I’m having my 2nd carpal tunnel on the 5th of Sept and that’s my last scheduled surgery. I’m growing my fingernails out for the occasion when my surgeries and stitches are out- I can finally scratch again.  Mary Poppins wants to keep me scheduled in surgeries perpetually because I won’t scratch if I am due for surgeries because open wounds + hospitals = not a good idea. I know it makes me sound crazy but I need to put my obsessions  and compulsions went somewhere because right now I’m holding them all in and I feel like I’m going to burst because I can’t eat them away because I’m following a diabetic diet that the endocrinologist gave me and I can’t exercise them away because I’m still on restriction for my hip so the only thing I can do is pull out my hair which I don’t have enough hair to begin with so I really need to get it out.