I actually got a lot done today. More than I have in a while and more than I intended. After the kids were at school hubby and I went back to bed to nap. We really need to stop staying up so late.
I got up around noon, him around 1. While he was sleeping I ended up cleaning our toy room. It looked like toys r us threw up in there. I knew it would be too much for little one to clean so I had to put my own lack of motivation aside and get it done since little one was supposed to have friends over tomorrow. Turns out we decided to go over there instead, and then I found out that my mother in law was coming over tomorrow so we had to cancel that too. But hey at least the toy room is cleaned.
So later on I was talking to my mom, she’s stopping by because she owes me some money, and they were going to take measurements for a door for little one’s room, and take the too big door we have and my stepfather is going to cut it to fit… anyway, so I told her- “please don’t make fun of me when you come, my Christmas decorations are still up”. Dead silence on the other line. More silence. So I said “I’m serious, please don’t make fun of me”. The next thing she said was “It’s Easter.” I said, “Well, we’re celebrating his birth and death at the same time”. Then we changed the subject. I sat in my chair, looking around at the decorations that have been up since November…. almost 6 months. I felt ashamed. I felt like my mother was silently judging me. That tomorrow she would look at me with disgust, pity, disappointment. I couldn’t stand it. So I took them down, and packed them away. All I could think was – here I am less than 2 weeks away from my 40th birthday and my mom can still get me to do things I don’t want to, with just a little mom guilt.
It’s hard to believe that no matter how old you get you need and want your mom, and her approval. I think I recently mentioned that I asked her if she was disappointed in my life and the person I had become, and she told me that she was “disappointed in the fact that I didn’t have the support I needed to ‘shine'”. It’s been weighing heavily on my mind. In fact I wrote a poem about it. The first poem I have written since 1995.
I think that had a lot to do with why I took the decorations down. I can’t have another thing that she is disappointed in me for. She already blames me for the fact that my kids have issues that need medication. And logically I know it’s not my fault, but when your mom is disappointed in you- you can’t help but take it personally.
Ah well, tomorrow should be interesting, hopefully everything with my mother in law goes well… it tends not to.
Remember this weekend is the epitome of love. There is Someone who loves you so much, unconditionally, He calls you beloved. All you have to do is call His name, ask Him into your life, and make Him your Lord and Savior.
For God so loved the world, that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.
Happy Easter to everyone. Remember- spoiler alert- the tomb was empty that Happy Easter morning. ❤️