I got groceries alone, and I am really thinking I need to disappear…

Hubby and I made a deal, if I did the grocery shopping he would wash all the eggs we had waiting to be washed. I agreed to the deal and then remembered he would have washed them all anyway. CRAP! But no takebacks. So off I went to Walmart.  As usual I put my reusable bags in the bottom of the cart whenI walked in so when my cart was overfowing (literally – we try to shop a month at time for things other than perishables)….So I had to dig through the cart to get those out. Fun times.  And I hate the way people look at me when my cart is overflowing. Take a picture it’ll last longer…. they probably do and I am on the people of Walmart site somewhere.  Once I finished Walmart I went to the local grocery store for meat. We don’t buy our meat at Walmart.

So I get home and one child ignores me and the other hollers at me.  I said maybe it would be better if I were gone.  And I wasn’t kidding.  I am so tired of being disrespected, not listened to, and ignored. I want to run away.  Part of me wants to go empty all our accounts and take off.  You know, I would settle for a full night, and full day alone in a motel with no one talking to me, no one bothering me, no one ignoring me. But that’ll never happen. So my next wish is to be sick or hurt enough to go to the hospital for a day or three.  Have meals brought to me, lay in bed and sleep as much as I want without people poking me awake.

Mary Poppins asked me about self harm the other day.  I told her I have been thinking about it a lot, especially since I can’t turn to junk food anymore if I am going to follow what the endocrinologist wants…. and I don’t want to end up like dad. But I told her I would be having my other hand done soon so I have to wait.  She joked that she was going to keep me scheduled in surgeries indefinitely …. I got plenty she could schedule- weight loss, skin removal, breast reduction, tonsillectomy, fix my other hip, lobotomy…ok that last one was a joke.

Im tired. And it’s not lack of sleep tired. I’m worn.  And I have to spend tomorrow with my mom and step dad. It’ll be the first time I have seen him since “the text”. My husband wants to punch him out… Thankfully I know he has more self control…. I hope.

 

Working up a sweat

Last night was a BAD depression night. The OT had me really upset about little one’s worries, and all I could think was that the author of the email was right. I was ruining my children. Everything is all my fault. That I should just leave they would be better off without me.

So today I avoided in the morning- I napped and read. Then I had PT.  And I pushed HARD! I did the upright bike first as always and my goal was to do 1.75miles in 8 minutes on level 8. I know that doesn’t sound like much but remember I had hip surgery 8 weeks ago. And then it was the leg press machine, and I just really pushed HARD the entire hour session.  I was red faced and sweating. I have always found that when I am upset if I physically push myself I can stop myself from thinking a little bit at least.  The last 5 or 6 minutes she massaged the muscle that connects to my IT band and man it hurt so good.

After I got done with PT I got a text from my dad’s ex and he was being brought back to the hospital from the hotel.   He fell off the toilet and hit his head. And that he was finally agreeing to go to assisted living.  He called me later and I got more information. He fell off the toilet trying to reach his walker.  He not only hit his head but he fractured his hip :(. I am happy that he’s back in the hospital, but I don’t know if he’s healthy enough for hip surgery, for them to put in pins.  This means he missed dialysis today. I pray and hope this is a wake up call for him.

I know it was a wake up call for me. My endocrinologist wants me on 2000mg of metformin for my insulin resistance, and she wants me on the diabetic diet, and finally to lose 10lbs in 6 months.  My plan was to wait tilll month 5 and lose the 10lbs, but hubby put things into perspective, he said: “so you are going to do the exact thing that your dad does that makes you so angry?”. BURN. So today I started researching some protein shakes to help with snacks since I often turn to crackers, chips, cereal etc.  I will probably have to go back to yogurt, oatmeal, eggs for breakfast and quit the Cocoa Pebbles. I don’t want to end up like my dad. I want to live a life I can enjoy once my children are grown. So now in addition to getting mentally healthy I have to work on my physical health and well-being.  This may just push me over the edge, but we shall see….

Until next time….

No Nap Day 1

It’s almost 5pm and I haven’t napped yet.  But I had back to back appointments today, first a follow up from my sprained ankle (which they referred me to physical therapy with – I’ll be giving there I swear).  Then I went to physical therapy for my hip.  She had me on the bike for 8 minutes and worked me hard, and no massage today 😦 BOO! HISS!

Then I came home and ate a peanut butter sandwich for lunch. Then did some fun stuff like balanced the checkbooks, paid some bills, figured out which bills I am going to consolidate, which I am going to pay off and which I am going to just keep carrying a balance on. Giving my brain something to do helps me not sleep, but I if I got off the computer, and sat in my recliner I would fall asleep in 2 seconds.

My son has done nothing but play on the computer all day, he’s only supposed to have 2 hours, but he won’t get off.  And I don’t have the energy to fight him. I just want to sleep.  It’s so hard, and unfair, to take away my naps. I know I sound like a big ole baby, but it just feels like it’s all I have.

Tomorrow may be different, I am thinking that I am staying in bed. It’s the day hubby leaves the shop.  There will be people here, helping him, I don’t think they will be coming in the house but I really don’t want to face anyone, I am depressed, I look like crap and honestly tomorrow is going to kill me. I am so upset about the business closing. But I have hashed this over before.

I hope we hear about hubby’s disability soon.  It will be nice to know that our finances are all set.  Though since my disability coming through things look a little brighter. Though we will never not be at the mercy of those in the government that decide our fates.

This is certainly not the way I thought my life would go.  I never thought at 39 I would be legally declared disabled, and collecting a check because of my mental health status.  I never thought I would HAVE a bad mental health status. But yet here we are.

I imagined I would be happy, I imagined hikes, beach trips, vacations. But instead it’s doctor appointments for all 4 of us, (we haven’t talked much about some new stuff popping up with Little One), depression, and hubby and I not having the motivation to do “fun stuff”.  This summer I am not going to be able to take the kids anywhere because of my hip. Hopefully, once this business with the shop is over he will be able to relax and enjoy his life a little, but I don’t know overtime we get comfortable we get upended on our butts.

And to top it off I have this very bad pain in my lower left side when I breath in, right above my hip.

Well off to watch Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 if I can stay awake……

Until next time…

Anne of Green Gables…

Anne: Marrila don’t you ever imagine things different from the way they are?
Marrila: No, never.

-Anne of Green Gables

Oh Anne, Anne, Anne- I have always, and will always identify with you.

 I have spent the last 2 days watching Ann with an E on Netflix and now I am watching the PBS movie that came out in December that I DVRd but never had time for.
Watching Anne reminds me of my childhood, I loved reading her books, watching the mini-series, everything about Anne of Green Gables was intoxicating. And I find now, I still feel that pang of imagination in my heart, that innocence and wonder.
I felt a lot like Anne growing up.  A child mistreated and forced to grow up too soon, but hanging on to dear life to the imaginary childhood she had.  An outcast among her peers except for one “bosom friend”.  I had one friend most all of my childhood.  And you know, looking back she was all I needed,  I didn’t need a gaggle of girls surrounding me, I had Q.  She and I met in the bus line one day when I was in 3rd grade and she was in 2nd.  We were inseparable.  I spent many many nights at her house.  So many that I used to pretend it was my house.  Other than her pesky and sometimes downright mean older brother her house was perfect.  Her mom was home when she got home from school – while mine was not.  Her father looked at her with eyes of a man who had won the lottery of daughters. While mine called me fool, numb, zero.  Her house was where I learned about things like Anne of Green Gables, Saturday Night Live, Shirley Valentine, and the meaning of home.
I remember one day after I got my license her father thought we had been off “joy riding” and he gave us both a stern talking to. I treasured that talking to my whole life. It was full of love and concern, not screaming and profanity.  And while at the time I thought he was wrong, after all I don’t think we were out joy-riding though maybe we were, I treasure that memory above all of my memories of him.  Of her mother watching her hand quilt.  Adoring and running my fingers over the quilts she had made, feeling each stitch, I can still remember the feeling of the taught threads beneath my fingers.
I still have never had a handmade quilt, but someday I will learn.  And I will remember the nights sleeping over there, watching J quilt with fondness.
I think the whole point of this post goes back to the first part I posted, which was also my Facebook status. Like Anne, I have always and may always wish things were different than they are.  I was contacted today by Q out of the blue, and it brought up a lot of good memories, which is a good thing, it’s been a hard day emotionally.
I have been crying a lot.  Hubby is outside building a shed to put all the contents of his shop in.  I don’t know if that’s why I am crying or something else, or nothing in particular, you never can tell with depression.  But I do know, that next Friday is move out day, and I will probably be crying a lot.  I am actually thankful I am unable to help, I am not sure I can handle the thought of packing up all his stuff from the business. Even now, the tears run so full from my eyes I can barely see to type.  My heart is so broken for him.  It was his dream, and it’s ripped away.
It’s why I am trying so hard to lose the Anne in me.  I don’t want to dream anymore.  Not when it seems every dream you have is either ripped away, doesn’t come true, or doesn’t come without a price. Maybe I will explain that last line another day, it’s a longer, more selfish story, and I am not ready to talk about it today.
Until next time.

How NOT to start a conversation with your husband…

Me: I’m sorry but I sorta lied to you.

Hubby: Pauses TV, and gives me this look and says WHAT?

Me: Well, it’s not a BAD lie…. the other day when I said I didn’t care about being skinny, that I cared about getting fit, I lied.  I want to look sexy in some of these outfits (motioning to the TV show we happened to be watching).

Hubby: (paraphrasing because I can’t remember the exact words) In the future don’t start out with the something that sounds BAD and then end with something that isn’t bad.

oops.  Sorry hunny 😉

A little comic relief for tonight.