If you don’t like what I put on my Amazon wishlist, if you don’t like the things that I WANT, then don’t buy off of it. Don’t complain about it, don’t get upset, just buy me the clothes you are going to buy me anyway. Or better yet- just don’t buy me anything at all- I don’t care. I am sick of spending holidays with you anyway. I am sick of the belittling comments, the things you say under your breath, the way you degrade me, and the way you judge me, my parenting, my decisions. I wish I had the ability to tell you that you aren’t welcome in my home this year. I need a break from you and your bad attitude.
Tomorrow we start with the first of our Christmas celebrations. We are going to my mother’s house. My sister will be there with her husband and son, and hubby, big one and little one will be coming of course.
I always approach these days at mom’s with some trepidation and angst. We are the black sheep. My step-father likes to remind us of that every chance he gets. He likes to bring up topics that he knows are going to irritate me. They judge us, and our decisions. We always have to do weird things- like this year we have to make a dish that is part of a Christmas song or story. I am making sugar plums. Part of me never wants to go- but the part of me that’s still a little girl and craves her mother can’t wait. My mother suffers from crippling anxiety but pretends she doesn’t. She gets me going and by the end of the night I am feeling like I have ran a marathon.
But I am going to do my best to not let them drag me in to the hot topics. I am going to lay down the ball and not toss it back. I am not mentally strong enough to volley with them.
I don’t know if I mentioned that I started a new antidepressant this week, my doctor told my husband to keep the bottle away from me because taken in too large of a dose it is fatal. I suppose it doesn’t help that I told her that if I ever took my own life it would be with pills. Everything else seems so messy, or painful. I don’t like pain. I really think she wants me to have a crisis eval, but honestly I do ok most days, it’s the days that big one is being particularly abusive, or days when my anxiety is out of control.
Going back to my earlier post about guilt- I feel guilty that I don’t call my father enough- even though he is the way he is. I feel guilty I have depression/anxiety/OCD/PTSD and possibly a personality disorder- I have a living husband and two beautiful children (though they often drive me insane- which also makes me feel guilty). It never ends.
I reread my post from earlier and I can’t stand my “tone of voice”. I sound like a stranger to myself. And I think in some ways I am. I was just on Pinterest and apparently 6 days ago sent hubby a pin that I don’t recall sending.
I messaged my sister earlier, I am supposed to go to her house in a couple weeks for the weekend. I told her I wasn’t sure about the entire weekend, and she immediately got pissed at me. Part of it is that I don’t want to miss church during Advent, another part is relying on hubby to move the elves, and little one will miss out on the Lego Advent calendar and big one will get to do it alone. Not to mention I have to cancel ECT on Friday because I can’t drive for 24hours. Money is incredibly tight right now, we are still waiting to hear the results of hubby’s appeal for SSDI. And when we get down to it, I am incredibly anxious about driving 4 hours each way alone (with just little one). I am nervous about everything. Not being in my own bed, not being with hubby (the one person who keeps me “ok”). I am nervous about a lot of things. But I didn’t explain all this to her, I just let her express her irritation at me, and tell me that she would be upset if I didn’t come. I didn’t say I wouldn’t come it was just that I might not stay Friday until Sunday. Its a lot. I don’t think she realizes how much preparation it takes for me to leave the house, never mind go a state away, be away from home for 3 days, and miss one of my ECT treatments.
I don’t know why I put all this here, she might read this, and I don’t want her to. I don’t want to tell her the truth. I don’t want anyone to know the truth about me. And the fact remains I don’t want to leave the house most of the time. I stay home as much as I can. I haven’t been good at keeping in touch with my friends since starting treatments, I pretty much am hiding as best as I can…..
I guess that’s all….
That’s how I feel. I decided I couldn’t handle a big Thanksgiving this year, it was just too much – the cooking, the dishes, the family, the stress, did I mention the cooking? Well my 7 year old daughter is devastated. She thinks it’s not thanksgiving if we don’t stay home and mama cooks. I feel guilty, I feel like I should just suck it up and do Thanksgiving. I feel like I am ruining the day for everyone else because of my inability to cope with life. I never thought I would say this, but I miss PollyAnna, I need someone to talk to. I am so lonely. I am tired of laying all my crap on hubby, and I just don’t feel like I need to burden my friends with my continuous stream of consciousness of self-loathing, self hatred and all the other random things I worry about and think about. But I feel so beat down right now.
I went out with 2 of my friends on Friday to see Bad Mom’s Christmas- first of all WOAH I didn’t expect some of that content, and had to go home and pray after that 😉 But we had a good time, except about 6 times during the movie I quietly let tears run down my cheeks. For all different reasons…. relationships with their own mothers vs mine. That they could be so happy. I don’t remember the last time I was truly HAPPY. That’s not true. It was October 2014. It’s gone down hill since then, getting worse day by day.
I pray, constantly, unceasingly like we are called to. I ask God to take this from me. To make me ME again. To as Jesus said “let this cup pass from me”. I do my quiet time every morning. I just feel like I should be able to “pray it away”. After all miracles happen all the time. But it seems that no amount of praying is going to take this from me. I am not me. I am not the mother and wife I want to be. I am not the person I want to be. I want to be able to give my daughter the Thanksgiving she wants. I feel so selfish doing this. I can’t stop the running commentary of guilt in my head, the horrible things I am thinking about myself. That I can’t give her this.
Then tonight, she told me for the first time (of many) I am sure, that I am ruining her life. I know I shouldn’t have let it bother me, or taken it so personally, but that cut me to the quick. Because of everyone in the world her approval and love is what I strive for- probably because it would be the closest thing to me loving me that I will ever experience. I tried to leave the house and run away. I That was just what my mom would have done. But I had to come in and change because I was in my inside clothes and she begged me not to leave – the same thing I used to do to my mom. I immediately put myself in her place and hated myself. She was crying and saying she was sorry. I told her I accepted her apology, but I think this will be a scar we both carry forever, I know I will. I will never forget the look in her eyes- pleading, with big tears, just the same as I used to have. I can’t believe I tried to do that to her. I hate myself so much. Sometimes I feel like a waste of space on earth. I know it sounds dramatic, but I am just so broken. I don’t know what my purpose is, I am a crap mother and wife right now.
There’s really nothing else left to say.
Many couples I know like to vacation apart, or take some time with couple days, or weekend apart- but I can honestly say with every fiber of my being that being away from my husband is like not having half of myself. He is my heart and my soul. I haven’t seen him since Friday evening and it seems like an eternity.
For 22 years and 139 days we have spent every minute we possibly could with each other. I was 17 years old when I met him, he was only 16. Our friends and family said it would never last, young love isn’t real, that we were too young to know what we wanted, that we spent too much time together. From the day I met him I knew that there was nobody else for me. He has always made me feel like I’m the only woman in the world. It didn’t matter what I looked like, what I was wearing, or the state of my mental health he loves me no matter what. No matter what.
All I ever wanted is the child was to be loved, to be good enough, to be smart enough, to be pretty enough, so that I would fit the mold my family wanted. But when he walked into my life he broke the mold and told me without words than I am my own mold and he loves that mold.
And even though I have been struggling with my own mental health and demons from my past he still loves me, despite his own physical struggles he has stepped up – he does all the cooking he helps school the children he does the things that I just can’t bring myself to do he serves me, he exemplifies a Christlike service and I am more than blessed to have him. I thank God every day for the man he put in my life, for the man that saved my life, and the man who has given me a life.
Babe I know you’re going to read this hopefully by the time you do you’ll be home but I still have a full day and a half away from you and it’ll be filled with missing you. I love you and I hope you’re having a fabulous time with the kids and your parents you deserve this time.
*** please excuse any typos or places where it doesn’t make sense I’m trying to use speech to text because tears are streaming down my face****
On the way to PT I needed some release. I’m feeling – well I can’t even describe what I am feeling grumpy doesn’t really do it justice. I’m in a a low place, and my brain seems to want to go to places I don’t want it to go.
Like the last time I had my “old” husband, how he was before he got sick, before we lost our house, our car, before little one started having issues, before I had my breakdown. We live fairly close to the mountains. And I won a weekend away 2 nights in a hotel in a touristy town in the mountains. 3 years ago in October. We hiked, we walked, and hiked some more.
Just a couple of the beautiful scenes we saw….
It was a hike we won’t ever be able to do again. It was a trip we won’t be able to repeat. I have sweet, memorable moments, and some weird ones too but I still feel sad when I think of the trip, it was probably the best trip we have taken in our 22 years together. I wish I had known it would be the last of it’s kind.
Hopefully we will have other trips and adventures, if his disability is approved without it, life will be hand to mouth forever. But Im getting ahead of myself. That’s too much for today. Hubby is off getting an xray because now he has neck and shoulder pain, combined with pain and tingling down the outside of his arm and numbness in his 3rd, 4th, and 5th fingers, unrelated to activity so it’s not carpal tunnel. He can just be sitting in the chair and they go numb. So something else to worry about….
Worry, worry, worry, that’s all I do.
Can I let you all in on a little secret? I HATE homeschooling. When most of you close your eyes and imagine homeschooling I’m sure you picture mom and kids all working together learning, doing hands on projects, smiling and enjoying each other’s company.
What it’s really like? Fighting them to get started in the morning, saying 1 billion times “no we can’t skip today”. Then them trying to weasel their way out of every assignment, trying to negotiate what they do and don’t have to do. A million pee breaks, a million snack breaks. Being asked a million times when they can be done. All the while trying to maintain some semblance of the little sanity I was trying to holding on to.
Today wasn’t really THAT bad, and little one did amazing. She was done by 11am and listened to SkippyJon Jones books with corresponding audio for hours while she played. Big one did well. Until French – we couldn’t get Rosetta Stone working properly and he had a major meltdown. But we got through it and I would call day 1 a success even with the bumps.
I should say I don’t HATE homeschooling, it’s just not easy. And when you are already close to the end of your rope it’s even harder. But today is just day 1. We have 174 more days to make it easier. And with hubby home everyday he’s helping, we are splitting the duties and that’s so much help for me. I appreciate it so much. Without him the past year I would have fallen apart.
So babe, when you finally read this, because I know you are behind, I love you, appreciate everything you have done and continue to do to keep this family together. xoxo.