So I mentioned my newest diagnosis, and I mentioned that I weaned off the amitriptyline in hopes that would help with the symptoms of the Autonomic Nervous System Disorder. However, it didn’t help. And they have started me on a new antidepressant- Doxepim. I am on a very low dose. And ever since we have started the Doxepim 10 days ago I have been angry, irritable, sad, frustrated. I haven’t been the nicest person, nor the easiest to be around.
I am unhappy. I am not content. I am tired of living hand to mouth with no end in sight. I am on disability, my husband is waiting for his disability decision. We will never have financial security.
And it really ticks me off that you can’t be honest with even your therapist or else she thinks you are on foot in the grave to offing yourself. So I am resentful- of pretty much everything and everyone in my life (with a few exceptions). I am tired of this life. So yes I fantasize about ways I could die. Today’s version in my head has me walking out to the car, slipping on the ice, hitting my head and never “coming to” again. But I can’t tell anyone that, they try to make me think “positive”, “look for the blessings”, and to that I say (and please let me warn you have to take off my Christian hat for a minute) go to hell. Seriously. Shut up and leave me alone. Just go away. Leave me alone with my intrusive, unhealthy thoughts. I don’t think I want to change right now. I think I am better off being miserable, because my life sucks, period, end of story.
And then. Then… get this. I get a call from my PCP’s office. From “my doctor’s” nurse (I have been seeing a different doctor in the office. And she says “we got the results of your halter and you had a normal rhythm with some extra beats here and there, but it was essentially normal ok?”. And I was like ACTUALLY…I was in there last week, and Dr so and so, read the draft report and reported that my heart rate was 150 several times, and ranged from 120-150 most often. And that my diastolic blood pressure is ranging from 87-117 and she diagnosed me with Autonomic Nervous System Dysfunction. And she’s like oooooh yeah I see that here. Dr PCP may not had seen that before this came across his desk. And then she proceeded to explain to me how to increase the meds etc. UM HELLO I thought you said I was fine? Yeah I know Dr PCP blames it all on the fact that I am fat. This is also the same PCP that said a vitamin D level of 15 was just fine (I guess I should just die because I am fat. I am so angry and sick of this BS.
Why do I even bother. Maybe I should just go off all my meds and just see what happens because I am done. Nothing I helping anyway, and maybe if I go off the heat stuff my heart will just get to be as tired as I am and be done too. I am just so exhausted, hopeless and done.
Yesterday at church my pastor was talking about “spiritual Sahara”, and that’s where I am right now. He said when you are there hope evaporates and dreams die. I couldn’t have summed up my life right now any better. My hope is dried up and dead, and my dreams are ran through a garbage disposal, put in a trash compactor, flushed down the toilet and sorted out with all the other solids in the waste water treatment plant.
Yes this is a pessimistic post. Yes, its me throwing a pity party. Yes its me being angry, resentful and tired of living my life. But guess what, it’s my blog and I’ll bitch if I want to.