Devastated….

Its been a couple days, and today I met with the kids med management doctor -let’s call her Julie Andrews. We started with big one, not much to say.  Things are about the same, we cut out his anti-anxiety medication since it wasn’t working and he was feeling manic but controllable.

But then it was little one’s turn. She saw her behavior- running all over the place, hyperactive, and defiant.  So she and I decided what meds to put her on, and then talked about the school thing.  And she talked me into it. I feel somewhat coerced, somewhat forced, but I just can’t let it go.  I don’t want to leave my baby at school.  I can’t imagine it.

I am worried she will end up like me, she’s so tender hearted- people will probably take advantage of her.  But as my counselor said that I am only looking at the bad “what-if” situations. What-if it goes well?

There’s no room in my head for that scenario. All the bad ones are swirling around in there, my brain is full, my head hurts, it pounds from crying so much, my eyes burn, and I have a stomach ache.

She starts school Monday.  Tomorrow I will go down with her, turn in the paperwork, and I will see if they let her see where the classroom is, where things are.  It might make me feel better.  She’s excited to go, I wish I could say the same thing.

 

Am I the only one?

Am I the only one who feels. Like they are failing at this parenting thing?  Am I the only one forgetting to extend grace and yelling instead?  Am I the only one who often dreams of running away- but knows she’d miss her kids and husband too much? 

I have had a bad couple weeks. Depression is weighing me down like an anchor. Anxiety, OCD and intrusive thoughts run my life. I am severely lacking in short term memory….. so much so my sister noticed. 

Shouldn’t I see some improvement? It’s been like 9 months. And nothing, worse if anything. I’m so sick of being like this. Mood swings, anger, sadness, apathy, panic… what’s it going to take to make it go away?????

What a difference 5 years DOESN’T make…

I was asked and accepted to help in the infant room for our church's MOPs group. We get mostly toddlers but the occasional infant comes in and that's my happy place.  Well a friend captured a pic of me holding the infant this week. 

2017

When I looked at the pic I thought to myself – I remember seeing a picture like that before…. so I went back through my pics and found this

2012

and directly in the middle of that is this

2014

I look at all three pictures and I hate the person in each one. She's not happy, she's not where she should be, she's no one and no where.

Thats how I feel about myself…. like I am a placeholder for the real me that's going to show up someday.  Is that normal? Don't answer that's rhetorical- I know it's not.

My dad and I had a horrific conversation yesterday that included him telling me he's going to wind up hating me if I am not complicit in him not following doctor's orders and  trying to live on his own with 1 leg, half a hand, a replaced hip, brittle diabetes, the need for dialysis 3x a week after proving over and over he is unable to care for himself.

And as for me, we are coming up on the anniversary of my breakdown and I am getting more and more anxious and more. and more upset that nothing has changed.  Im not better.  Part of me wants to stop all my meds and self medicate with vodka and weed.  I won't, I have seen in family members what happens if you do that….but a girl can dream of washing her sorrows down with a shot of zyr vodka, a couple percocets and a bowl of the best weed….

I scratched yesterday.  Im finally finished with all my dr visits and surgeries, it felt so good…..sooooo good.

 

 

Worn- again

I know I have posted this before but I am just so down tonight and I listened to it over and over tonight.  It fits. The highlighting is mine.

I’m tired
I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
‘Cause I’m worn
I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I’m too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn
And my prayers are wearing thin
I’m worn even before the day begins
I’m worn I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn so heaven so come and flood my eyes
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that’s dead inside will be reborn
Though I’m worn

Yeah I’m worn
———————————————————————————————————————————————————–
I AM worn. I AM losing my will to fight. I’m trying to turn to my faith, but I am feeling so weak.
I called the pharmacist that I trust today and my endocrinologist there is no reason to worry about lithium/metformin interaction, I will be fine. At least that’s one less thing to worry about.
Little one is at my moms.  She’s going on a lobster fishing trip. I asked my mom if she ate for here’s what she sent:
100% of grape juice,2 glass milk,chicken,gr.beans,rice,whole cuke,pickled beets and 2 cookies.snack 2 glass milk and 2 cookies.
And she was asleep fairly quickly.  It takes us 2 hours.
I am at the point now that I just think that maybe I just suck at this motherhood thing.  Maybe I should put them in school and spend my days in bed.
I really am feeling weak, and worn out. I need God to come down and hold me up.

Stuff

Today was a weird day.  Started with a visit with PollyAnna, which is always “fun”.  Someone left 2 peanuts in their shells in the bathroom on the sink and I couldn’t stop trying to figure out why someone would do that, why not put them in your pocket? Why bring them in the bathroom? Why leave them? So PollyAnna and I walked downstairs mid session for me to remove them, so I would stop thinking about them.  So I used paper towels to pick them up and then I had to do my hand washing ritual- which includes 5 paper towels, no more no less. No idea why. We went back up stairs and now my concern was what if someone realized they forgot their peanuts and went back for them and they were gone?  What if they were upset. PollyAnna assured me if someone left peanuts in the bathroom they probably weren’t expecting them to still be there.  Which brought up hand dryers. They are a NO GO. I feel like everyone’s poop smell and flatulence air is being blown on my hand.  At this point she literally laughed. I know she thinks I am nutty, with all the rules I have especially the ones that don’t make sense but I can’t help it.

Then I went to see Mary Poppins. I lost 2lbs since seeing her last, not as much as I would like but it was a loss at least. We talked about my meds and what’s working (not much) and what isn’t (most everything).  So she has decided to discontinue the oxycarbazipine and do a low dose lithium.  But when hubby went to fill it apparently there is an interaction between lithium and metformin and it can cause spikes and valleys in your glucose level, so tomorrow I will call the endocrinologist (who I need to come up with a name for), and see if she thinks I should test my sugars – if yes FUN! NOT!

I didn’t get my nap today, I really wish I had, but I did get to finish the audiobook I was listening to- The Memory of Us.  It was a good story set in England at the start of World War 2. But sometimes I wanted to strangle the main character through the book.

I know there was more on my mind, but I can’t seem to remember now.  So until next time.

Working up a sweat

Last night was a BAD depression night. The OT had me really upset about little one’s worries, and all I could think was that the author of the email was right. I was ruining my children. Everything is all my fault. That I should just leave they would be better off without me.

So today I avoided in the morning- I napped and read. Then I had PT.  And I pushed HARD! I did the upright bike first as always and my goal was to do 1.75miles in 8 minutes on level 8. I know that doesn’t sound like much but remember I had hip surgery 8 weeks ago. And then it was the leg press machine, and I just really pushed HARD the entire hour session.  I was red faced and sweating. I have always found that when I am upset if I physically push myself I can stop myself from thinking a little bit at least.  The last 5 or 6 minutes she massaged the muscle that connects to my IT band and man it hurt so good.

After I got done with PT I got a text from my dad’s ex and he was being brought back to the hospital from the hotel.   He fell off the toilet and hit his head. And that he was finally agreeing to go to assisted living.  He called me later and I got more information. He fell off the toilet trying to reach his walker.  He not only hit his head but he fractured his hip :(. I am happy that he’s back in the hospital, but I don’t know if he’s healthy enough for hip surgery, for them to put in pins.  This means he missed dialysis today. I pray and hope this is a wake up call for him.

I know it was a wake up call for me. My endocrinologist wants me on 2000mg of metformin for my insulin resistance, and she wants me on the diabetic diet, and finally to lose 10lbs in 6 months.  My plan was to wait tilll month 5 and lose the 10lbs, but hubby put things into perspective, he said: “so you are going to do the exact thing that your dad does that makes you so angry?”. BURN. So today I started researching some protein shakes to help with snacks since I often turn to crackers, chips, cereal etc.  I will probably have to go back to yogurt, oatmeal, eggs for breakfast and quit the Cocoa Pebbles. I don’t want to end up like my dad. I want to live a life I can enjoy once my children are grown. So now in addition to getting mentally healthy I have to work on my physical health and well-being.  This may just push me over the edge, but we shall see….

Until next time….

Urggh….. blurgh

This was written Tuesday night 7/12/17 by the time you read this I will have to dictate my blog posts to Siri because I will have had my first carpal tunnel surgery….

I recently restarted taking a medication for my bladder problem (interstitial cystitis) and Mary Poppins prescribed Trileptal.  I am pretty sure I started taking them around the same time and one of them is making me so very nauseous after dinner, so I *think* that means it must be the bladder med because I take that before dinner, and the trileptal I take at bedtime, I wouldn’t think the nausea would come almost 24 hours later. I think I am going to do an experiment and stop the bladder meds.  That’s one I can stop without repercussions and it interferes with NSAIDS anyway which I will need after my surgery anyway.

All I know is that every night after dinner my stomach is doing flip flops.  I can’t hardly stand it. And I know it’s not nerves for my surgery tomorrow since it’s been happening for about a week or more now.  Besides surgery doesn’t scare me at all.  I have had several in my life.

As for other things. Today was eh.  I had to get up early and get beat up at PT but at least she said I can go without the cane unless I am limping.  So Im making a concreted effort not to limp…. though sometimes my ankle gets the best of me.  After she had me sufficiently exhausted from PT I went to Walmart.  That was fun.  Anxiety city there. In fact it was so bad I forgot to get the one thing I went in for as I was loading the cart full of stuff I did buy…. so I had to go back in…. grrr.  Back through the store, avoiding eye contact don’t want anyone talking to me, and then to find a safe cashier…. but I didn’t want the actual safe cashier because I had just gone through her line literally 10 minutes ago and didn’t want to seem like a lunatic so I had to settle for the one next to her.

Came home and promptly iced my hip and foot and went to sleep. Woke up for hubby to take little one to swim lessons and fight with big one to go since he needed to get outside and move.  When they came back it was time to take little one to Occupational Therapy.  This is something new, and boy did I see a side of her I am not used to.  Angry, kicking, defiant, this is stupid little one. But once they got through the activity she didn’t get to pick and she got to pick things were much better.

Another 30 minute drive home and ate dinner and promptly fell asleep in my chair. Woke up nauseous. Got the kids ready for bed, showered and now my stomach still feels blech.  I might try a little ginger ale.

Until next time….