Treatment #5

Today was ECT number 5.  I don’t know if I feel any different – well that’s not true- I know that I have much higher anxiety, that I can’t remember hardly anything at all, big one came home talking about French class today and I couldn’t remember that he took French in school.  That’s something that happened long before ECT so it’s obvious that ECT is effecting more than just the current memories I am making- or not making as the case may be.

I guess I can see some differences, but most of them have an explanation- like I haven’t been as irritable with the kids, but 1. I am too tired to be irritable, and 2.  I just don’t have  the energy to be irritated.  It seems to me the those are symptoms of depression.  I don’t know. I was telling my new counselor yesterday that I feel like a faucet was shut off.  Not only do I feel numb much of the time, I am anxious and can’t remember anything.

But I am worried that I won’t know if/when the ECT is working.  I was talking to the Psychiatrist today about how long I have had depression, and if I am being honest I have been depressed on and off most of my life, even as far back as childhood, so would I even know what feeling good feels like?  And when my anxiety is elevated to this level (you know that feeling like before you have to give a big presentation? Or know you are in trouble? That pit in your stomach? I have that 24/7 lately.  And my anxiety is always louder than my depression.  In fact when I was first diagnosed depressed I didn’t believe the doctor, I thought I was just very very anxious with PTSD and OCD, but once I was finally getting my anxiety treated I saw the depression.  And I can tell you right now my anxiety is as high if not higher than it was when I started getting treated for it.  So it’s hard for me to see anything but that.

Well I guess that’s all, I am sure I had more to say but I can’t think of it, and my stomach is doing flip flops so I need to try to distract myself.

Until next time.

Memory Problems

The memory problems associated with ECT can be quite unnerving.  I picked up my glass 4-cup measuring cup off the counter today and stared at it.  I couldn’t remember where it went.  No matter how long I looked or how hard I tried to remember it was gone, poof.  I had to ask my son where it went.  It seemed like such a stupid question- it’s my kitchen!

It’s so weird to be doing something normal and the memory to be gone.  I wonder if it’ll come back, or if some of my memory will always be gone.

I have had 3 ECT treatments, I don’t really notice much of a difference yet.  But I don’t think I’m expected to, I think I am supposed to have 9-12 treatments.  

My brain doesn’t work as well as it did.  But I think it’s supposed to get better.  It’s taken me a while to write this because my train of thought doesn’t flow like it used to.  But my brain seems to work just fine when I’m having anxiety.  Of course <insert eye roll> I wish that the ECT would make the anxiety go away the way some of my memories have….

I guess that’s all I have to say…. I’m sure there was more I intended to tell you all, but it’s disappeared like my memories.

 

Bye Bye Critical Thinking and Executive Functioning it was nice knowing you…

I haven’t been around much lately, I have been going to more doctors than I care to admit.  I think I mentioned I sprained my ankle last week falling off a step ladder, well this isn’t an isolated incident I have been having balance issues since my hip surgery.  So now that my right ankle is sprained my left hip (surgical hip) is taking all the weight and it can’t handle it… it’s not strong enough.  And to make matters worse they think my right hip has the same issue my left did, but we can’t do surgery until I “have a leg to stand on” basically.  So they are referring me back to the doctor I first saw at their practice and he will manage me non surgically and then when things are straightened out we will reevaluate surgery on my right hip.  Hello cortisone injections. What I really really want is some Percocet and sleep for a week.

I also saw the dr about the ECT.  And I was all set to start Monday but I really felt like I didn’t have any support in this – friends telling me to pray it away, well-meaning people telling me it’s awfully invasive. So I met with Mary Poppins and I decided to up my current meds, cancel the ECT and go from there.  After that I met with PollyAnna, which did I mention she’s leaving and now I am stuck finding a new therapist.  Hello abandonment issues I haven’t seen you in a while I missed you.  And I came to the conclusion while talking to her I want someone to tell me to do the ECT.  And I felt like I needed support that I wasn’t getting. And I thought hubby was against it, when it turns out he’s only against maintenance ECT.  So I called the place back and we will do itthe 2nd’ or 3rd week of November.

But now for the reason for this post. I have lost my critical thinking skills as well as my executive functioning skills. My sister pointed it out, and my hubby agrees.  I am slowly losing all the things that make me ME.  It’s like I am Michael J Fox on Back to the Future an I am beig erased from the picure….

And finally a changed diagnosis and a new one? I recently had a treatment plan and when I compared it to my last one Mary Poppins changed Major Depressive disorder recurrent episode moderate toMajor Depressive disorder recurrent episode severe.  Awesome.  Getting worse not better.  She also put ruling out unspecified personality disorder.  Awesome. That’s not something mananged with meds, that’s the fiber of your being – who you are.  How do I deal with that.  Im thinking I am dependent personality disorder though I do meet some of the criteria for Borderline.  Either way I am sick to death of not getting better but getting worse and worse.

Next time maybe I will talk about how I feel about PollyAnna leaving and the search for a new therapist.

Devastated….

Its been a couple days, and today I met with the kids med management doctor -let’s call her Julie Andrews. We started with big one, not much to say.  Things are about the same, we cut out his anti-anxiety medication since it wasn’t working and he was feeling manic but controllable.

But then it was little one’s turn. She saw her behavior- running all over the place, hyperactive, and defiant.  So she and I decided what meds to put her on, and then talked about the school thing.  And she talked me into it. I feel somewhat coerced, somewhat forced, but I just can’t let it go.  I don’t want to leave my baby at school.  I can’t imagine it.

I am worried she will end up like me, she’s so tender hearted- people will probably take advantage of her.  But as my counselor said that I am only looking at the bad “what-if” situations. What-if it goes well?

There’s no room in my head for that scenario. All the bad ones are swirling around in there, my brain is full, my head hurts, it pounds from crying so much, my eyes burn, and I have a stomach ache.

She starts school Monday.  Tomorrow I will go down with her, turn in the paperwork, and I will see if they let her see where the classroom is, where things are.  It might make me feel better.  She’s excited to go, I wish I could say the same thing.

 

Am I the only one?

Am I the only one who feels. Like they are failing at this parenting thing?  Am I the only one forgetting to extend grace and yelling instead?  Am I the only one who often dreams of running away- but knows she’d miss her kids and husband too much? 

I have had a bad couple weeks. Depression is weighing me down like an anchor. Anxiety, OCD and intrusive thoughts run my life. I am severely lacking in short term memory….. so much so my sister noticed. 

Shouldn’t I see some improvement? It’s been like 9 months. And nothing, worse if anything. I’m so sick of being like this. Mood swings, anger, sadness, apathy, panic… what’s it going to take to make it go away?????

What a difference 5 years DOESN’T make…

I was asked and accepted to help in the infant room for our church's MOPs group. We get mostly toddlers but the occasional infant comes in and that's my happy place.  Well a friend captured a pic of me holding the infant this week. 

2017

When I looked at the pic I thought to myself – I remember seeing a picture like that before…. so I went back through my pics and found this

2012

and directly in the middle of that is this

2014

I look at all three pictures and I hate the person in each one. She's not happy, she's not where she should be, she's no one and no where.

Thats how I feel about myself…. like I am a placeholder for the real me that's going to show up someday.  Is that normal? Don't answer that's rhetorical- I know it's not.

My dad and I had a horrific conversation yesterday that included him telling me he's going to wind up hating me if I am not complicit in him not following doctor's orders and  trying to live on his own with 1 leg, half a hand, a replaced hip, brittle diabetes, the need for dialysis 3x a week after proving over and over he is unable to care for himself.

And as for me, we are coming up on the anniversary of my breakdown and I am getting more and more anxious and more. and more upset that nothing has changed.  Im not better.  Part of me wants to stop all my meds and self medicate with vodka and weed.  I won't, I have seen in family members what happens if you do that….but a girl can dream of washing her sorrows down with a shot of zyr vodka, a couple percocets and a bowl of the best weed….

I scratched yesterday.  Im finally finished with all my dr visits and surgeries, it felt so good…..sooooo good.

 

 

Worn- again

I know I have posted this before but I am just so down tonight and I listened to it over and over tonight.  It fits. The highlighting is mine.

I’m tired
I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
‘Cause I’m worn
I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I’m too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn
And my prayers are wearing thin
I’m worn even before the day begins
I’m worn I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn so heaven so come and flood my eyes
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that’s dead inside will be reborn
Though I’m worn

Yeah I’m worn
———————————————————————————————————————————————————–
I AM worn. I AM losing my will to fight. I’m trying to turn to my faith, but I am feeling so weak.
I called the pharmacist that I trust today and my endocrinologist there is no reason to worry about lithium/metformin interaction, I will be fine. At least that’s one less thing to worry about.
Little one is at my moms.  She’s going on a lobster fishing trip. I asked my mom if she ate for here’s what she sent:
100% of grape juice,2 glass milk,chicken,gr.beans,rice,whole cuke,pickled beets and 2 cookies.snack 2 glass milk and 2 cookies.
And she was asleep fairly quickly.  It takes us 2 hours.
I am at the point now that I just think that maybe I just suck at this motherhood thing.  Maybe I should put them in school and spend my days in bed.
I really am feeling weak, and worn out. I need God to come down and hold me up.