Working up a sweat

Last night was a BAD depression night. The OT had me really upset about little one’s worries, and all I could think was that the author of the email was right. I was ruining my children. Everything is all my fault. That I should just leave they would be better off without me.

So today I avoided in the morning- I napped and read. Then I had PT.  And I pushed HARD! I did the upright bike first as always and my goal was to do 1.75miles in 8 minutes on level 8. I know that doesn’t sound like much but remember I had hip surgery 8 weeks ago. And then it was the leg press machine, and I just really pushed HARD the entire hour session.  I was red faced and sweating. I have always found that when I am upset if I physically push myself I can stop myself from thinking a little bit at least.  The last 5 or 6 minutes she massaged the muscle that connects to my IT band and man it hurt so good.

After I got done with PT I got a text from my dad’s ex and he was being brought back to the hospital from the hotel.   He fell off the toilet and hit his head. And that he was finally agreeing to go to assisted living.  He called me later and I got more information. He fell off the toilet trying to reach his walker.  He not only hit his head but he fractured his hip :(. I am happy that he’s back in the hospital, but I don’t know if he’s healthy enough for hip surgery, for them to put in pins.  This means he missed dialysis today. I pray and hope this is a wake up call for him.

I know it was a wake up call for me. My endocrinologist wants me on 2000mg of metformin for my insulin resistance, and she wants me on the diabetic diet, and finally to lose 10lbs in 6 months.  My plan was to wait tilll month 5 and lose the 10lbs, but hubby put things into perspective, he said: “so you are going to do the exact thing that your dad does that makes you so angry?”. BURN. So today I started researching some protein shakes to help with snacks since I often turn to crackers, chips, cereal etc.  I will probably have to go back to yogurt, oatmeal, eggs for breakfast and quit the Cocoa Pebbles. I don’t want to end up like my dad. I want to live a life I can enjoy once my children are grown. So now in addition to getting mentally healthy I have to work on my physical health and well-being.  This may just push me over the edge, but we shall see….

Until next time….

Urggh….. blurgh

This was written Tuesday night 7/12/17 by the time you read this I will have to dictate my blog posts to Siri because I will have had my first carpal tunnel surgery….

I recently restarted taking a medication for my bladder problem (interstitial cystitis) and Mary Poppins prescribed Trileptal.  I am pretty sure I started taking them around the same time and one of them is making me so very nauseous after dinner, so I *think* that means it must be the bladder med because I take that before dinner, and the trileptal I take at bedtime, I wouldn’t think the nausea would come almost 24 hours later. I think I am going to do an experiment and stop the bladder meds.  That’s one I can stop without repercussions and it interferes with NSAIDS anyway which I will need after my surgery anyway.

All I know is that every night after dinner my stomach is doing flip flops.  I can’t hardly stand it. And I know it’s not nerves for my surgery tomorrow since it’s been happening for about a week or more now.  Besides surgery doesn’t scare me at all.  I have had several in my life.

As for other things. Today was eh.  I had to get up early and get beat up at PT but at least she said I can go without the cane unless I am limping.  So Im making a concreted effort not to limp…. though sometimes my ankle gets the best of me.  After she had me sufficiently exhausted from PT I went to Walmart.  That was fun.  Anxiety city there. In fact it was so bad I forgot to get the one thing I went in for as I was loading the cart full of stuff I did buy…. so I had to go back in…. grrr.  Back through the store, avoiding eye contact don’t want anyone talking to me, and then to find a safe cashier…. but I didn’t want the actual safe cashier because I had just gone through her line literally 10 minutes ago and didn’t want to seem like a lunatic so I had to settle for the one next to her.

Came home and promptly iced my hip and foot and went to sleep. Woke up for hubby to take little one to swim lessons and fight with big one to go since he needed to get outside and move.  When they came back it was time to take little one to Occupational Therapy.  This is something new, and boy did I see a side of her I am not used to.  Angry, kicking, defiant, this is stupid little one. But once they got through the activity she didn’t get to pick and she got to pick things were much better.

Another 30 minute drive home and ate dinner and promptly fell asleep in my chair. Woke up nauseous. Got the kids ready for bed, showered and now my stomach still feels blech.  I might try a little ginger ale.

Until next time….


By the time this post in the morning it’ll probably be nothing. But I’m starting a new med tonight Trileptal, I made my son tried about a year ago and got a severe rash from. Googling the side effects and reading the patient education that my psychiatric doctor a.k.a. Mary Poppins gave me scares me, if you read the side effects on Google or even the patient information leaflet she handed me the side effects can be scary. And since I still suffer with anxiety it makes it even worse to think of all the different things that can go wrong-add to that the fact that my son had a reaction, makes me concerned about myself.

I just keep trying to remember that he is allergic to penicillin and I’m not so there’s no reason to believe that I would have the same reaction. The reason the reaction is so scary is that this type of medication can cause Stevens Johnson syndrome which apparently can be fatal. So of course my brain is running faster than I can keep up with all the side effects and worries and what ifs. 

But I’m going to set us to post in the morning so that when it posts I can look at it and post an update that I’m fine and that it’s just my anxiety running away with me again. 

Until next time….

Day 2- No nap FAIL. Back to day 1- Wait did I even make it to day 2? Plus an official ending.

First thing this morning I was already exhausted, I fell asleep not long after I took my valium I think that I figured out that avoidance isn’t the only reason that I sleep, I think the valium is causing me to be tired. But since Valium is the only med Mary Poppins has given me so far that’s done anything I am not stopping that anytime soon.

Mary Poppins nurse just got off the off the phone with me and we are going to try an anticonvulsant – Trileptal.  I sure hope I am not allergic to it the way Big One is.  But I really hope it makes me sleepy at night and makes me feel better too, since she says that it can augment the antidepressant.

Im sore today too, I think I have been up walking too much.  I need to lie back and ice my hip but I will fall asleep for sure- it’s been a little while since I took the valium and I can feel my eyelids getting heavy.

The elephant in the room though is that today is the day hubby officially moves out of his business– it’s done.  He says he’s ready but I think I’m not.  Not that I want him to go back to work- it’s that it’s another dead dream. He worked so hard to build it up and all the equipment, tools and his signs will come down and he will be officially done.  I am extremely grateful for all the people from church who are helping- many hands make light work, and with hubby back he couldn’t move it all himself anyway. I’ll be glad when today is over. Then the book is closed and we don’t have to think about it anymore. When I take my kids to karate I won’t have to see his signs, or his empty shop still filled with his stuff- right where he left it.

And to top it off my fingers are so numb I can’t even feel the keys I am hitting as I type this.  I can’t wait until my surgery for that. But that means more recovery.  But hopefully I will get back my feeling and be able to do the things I used to love to.

My eyelids need toothpicks.  Im going to close them a few minutes…

Until next time….

Mary Poppins is on my #$!@ list…

Not really I know she’s doing what’s best for me, but she’s told me I can’t nap during the day anymore. That’s like taking away my only coping skill.  It’s like taking away my best friend. It’s like taking away the only peace I have in life.  It’s the only time I sleep well, I get to avoid the hard stuff that happens all day.  She says I am interrupting my sleep cycle and it’s reversing itself, and it’s causing my nighttime anxiety to be worse, and thereby my depression worse. And I need to change it back before it does any more damage.

So that means I have to get off the couch, but I am still not allowed to do anything because of my hip.  The regulations are hard.  Right now I can’t put more than 20lbs of pressure on my left leg, hopefully that will change tomorrow, and I can stop the crutches/walker it’s making my carpal tunnel so much worse and I can barely type this. After that I am not allowed to bed, squat, crawl or kneel for 3 months.  I can’t stand for more than 30 minutes for 8 weeks- so another words I can’t do anything.  Exercise – even walking- is 6 months.

July 13 I have surgery for my left hand carpal tunnel and then I will have my right hand done 6 weeks later. Full use, recovery will take about 6 months, so by the New Year I should be a new woman. And maybe by then I will know what’s wrong with my thyroid… since I am completely convinced I have thyroid cancer or some sort of tumor since my TSH numbers has been rising so rapidly.

So now that I can’t nap I have to sit in a chair, we do not have a single comfortable chair for me to sit in, but if I lay on the couch I WILL nap.  I want a nap right now more than I want anything else in the world. Mary Poppins is trying to kill me. PollyAnna told me to cut back on naps, but now Mary Poppins doesn’t want me to nap at all.

I also feel guilty – I have cut pretty much everyone out of my life. I haven’t been talking to my friends, I haven’t responded to texts. I just have nothing to say.  When someone asks how you are, they really don’t want to know.

I know I need to put my faith in God, I intellectually know all the things I need to do, but I just don’t know how to do it. Trust is my issue. I can’t let it go-any of it.  I carry it all around with me, it’s like this video I saw a couple years ago- it really hits home….

Maybe someday God I will be able to let it all go to you.  Maybe then this darkness and hurt inside me will be gone, and I will be whole.

Until next time….

What a day already….

My morning started at 1:00 am having to pee. After navigating and entirely dark room on crutches as not to wake up the husband I got to the bathroom did my business and made my way back in and then proceeded to lay there for an hour and a half where sleep eluded me. I read some blogs, peruse Facebook to see if any of my eastern time zone friends were awake, they weren’t. I put my phone away, tried saying the alphabet backwards spelling things doing all the things that I do to try to get to sleep until finally at 2:30 AM I woke hubby up and told him my ankle was killing me. Dutifully he got up and got me an ice pack and helped me get comfortable, I felt like such a burden waking him up when I knew he needed to get up early for a doctors appointment. After about another half an hour I fell asleep.

Only to be woken at 8 AM by my husband letting me know that big one had woken up sick in the night at camp and was in the infirmary and he would pick him up on his way home from his doctors appointment. I called the camp to see how he was doing and predicted strep over the phone. Come to find out when he picked him up hubby found out that his bunk mate went home with strep yesterday. They are now at the pediatricians office. 

Not that money is everything but this camp cost $220 and I spent close to $200 in clothes for him to go with neither of us working this was a hardship but something that he desperately wanted to do. Now that he’s home he can go back after he’s been on antibiotics for 24 hours. However he doesn’t want to go back. He hates it, there was a disabled child who had a seizure that extremely upset my son probably because he knows he had seizures as a baby and he now knows what he went through I don’t know for sure… 

He was also part of the literature distribution group and they went into the not so savory part of the big cities nearby and he saw things that he’s not used to junk people people wielding baseball bats people open carrying. Hubby and I explained to him that many people he loves and respects open carry that there’s nothing wrong with that but that we can understand his fear going into an environment that’s uncomfortable. We are not going to force him to go back. It’s difficult to tell with him while he’s ready for and what he’s not ready for, he may be 14 on the outside, but on the inside he is not he is developmentally delayed due to his autism, and anxiety. His bipolar doesn’t really play apart I don’t think in that but I wouldn’t be surprised if it makes him cycle one way or another.

So After all of this I decide I need to clean out my email inbox I have five different email accounts and I went through and accidentally deleted over 30,000 emails some of them were emails I still needed blogs I hadn’t read yet things I still need to take care of as well as bills to be paid that are always in a special folder. Hopefully I’ll be able to remember all the bills that need to be paid the first of this month.

Still no word on hubby’s disability we’re just gonna have to keep waiting. I’m feeling quite overwhelmed today, and my houses a mess, and my rabbits have not been changed for well over a week I’m going to have to ask my husband to do it when he gets home because I can’t stand to smell them anymore.

I’ve bitten my nails down to the quick and bitten my cuticles to the blood I need to feel better, Mary Poppins that I could call her this week if I needed her and she would fit me in but all I can think of is what is she going to do, I’ve been seeing her for six months and according to her I’m worse so what was going in a week early do for me? Instead I’ll continue to count the sheet rock screws in the ceiling because I feel like doing nothing else. 


Until next time…