Do you ever pour your heart out into a post and never post it? Just save it to a draft and stuff the feelings down? I do.
First of all, been a while since I posted. I haven’t been doing much lately. I haven’t been drawing, or writing, or looking on Pinterest. I go the appointments I have to go to, I go to baseball and lacrosse games when I have to, and I scroll facebook mindlessly for longer than I care to admit. I just have no desire/motivation to do anything anymore. It sucks. It just seems like nothing has been going right, and so I just feel BLAH.
As for keeping it together, we have 2 checkbooks and I can’t keep them balanced and with money in them not overdraft. We are doing 2 different systems, cash like Dave Ramsay and debit cards. It’s not working – we need to do one or the other. So tomorrow morning I have to go to both our banks and put some of our cash in so that everything thats floating in the ether will clear.
I get it. I know that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. I know the grass is greener where you water it. I know all the platitudes. But for today, I am going to let this emotion define the moment. Envy is real. Envy is a negative emotion, I get that. But I can’t lie and say I don’t have envy in me.
Several people close to me are planning trips to see Mickey Mouse, others building their dream house, others the craft room of their dreams, still other making PRs in 5Ks, Half Marathons or Marathons. Yes I know people show their highlight real. Yes, I know that God has a purpose for my life, and I am right where I am supposed to be. But sometimes you just have to acknowledge that your life sucks right now. That you don’t have your crap together and you are 40. That you can’t do the things you want to do. That you are stuck. I feel trapped. I feel like things will never get better. Like I am on a street and no matter which way I turn, no matter what street I go down, I get no where.
I am preoccupied with the thought that at 40 years old I am no where near where I thought I would be. And the rest of me is preoccupied with my kids growing up. We are talking driver’s ed, college, with big one, and little one turns 8 soon. Eight is a big kid. It won’t be long before she is tired of toys and dolls. Everytime I think about the passage of time I am reminded of a line from Star Trek Generations: “Someone once told me that time is predator that stalks you all your life”. I agree. I wish there were a way to freeze time now and then. It would make the unbearable days more bearable.
Im really struggling this week. I probably should’t have written that all out. But my heart hurts, physically hurts in my chest. I feel broken.
I had so many different ideas for what to title this blog. But none of them felt quite right.
First of all, I have been reluctant to post- (disclaimer: this part is about a comment on my blog- but has nothing to do with the poster of said comment, nor does it mean I am upset with the commenter)- because recently after a more positive post a comment was made that it was nice to see something positive posted. Immediately I clammed up. I felt like “crap, people are sick of my problems”. But In the end I decided to just take the comment as I know it was written- as a message showing happiness for my fleeting moment of positivity.
I struggle with constructive criticism, I over analyze what people say. What everyone else thinks means more than what I think.
But I can’t hold this all in any more. This has been a hard week. I can’t give you a reason, because I don’t know. I have been sad and depressed all week. Like major regression in my symptoms. My OCD has been over the top- to the point that I offended a person in my DBT group because I moved my seat when I heard that she had been sick- and so I explained to the group if I do stuff like that, it’s me, not them.
And I’m just tired. So tired. Tired of this life. It never gets better. It seems like I stand up and a big bully pushes me down, over and over. And I am tired of getting up. I have tried so hard in the past month to try to do things to “make me feel better “. But it doesn’t work.
And I have found that even dreaming about possibilities has it’s consequences. I keep thinking about Marilla Cuthbert, and the things she used to say to Anne when Anne would let her imagination run wild, have romantic notions etc. It’s not practical. It’s not useful. Never in my life has there been anyone who encourages me to dream. They just point out the reality. “I get it mom I will never be on star search” (6 or 7 year old me), “I get it (insert name here) I am not as pretty as (insert name here)” (14-16 year old me). “I know I will never amount to much dad”. “I know I don’t shine mom”. “I know I can’t manage money because I have a shopping compulsion- maybe it shouldn’t be my responsibility.” “I know my bucket list will still be undone when I die”.
I get it. This. This is it. It’s never going to get better, and I will stop dreaming, hoping and wishing for it to get better. I see now that it does no good, because I will never change, I will always be a compulsive overeater, with a shopping problem, and a mental illness. I have always, and will always be weak.
When I was a kid my best friend and I came up with a phrase:
“Reality is too real for us, we live in the abstract”.
Looking at it with 30 or so years of knowledge I didn’t have then- it really was more like- our reality sucks, so we choose to wish/hope/dream of how it will be better “someday”.
But I think what I have learned over the past 2 years since my breakdown- for some people- someday never comes. For some people, it’s scraping by, barely keeping your nose above the water line forever. For some people- they’ll always wonder “what’s the point?”
And if all that isn’t enough- the school isn’t following the IEP as written for my oldest. Here we go. It’s giving me PTSD flashbacks of our last fight when he was in 3rd grade, and I don’t know if I have it in me. I don’t know if I can do it again…..
Saw Mary Poppins this week. She added another med to my list. A mood stabilizer… probably a good idea. Ive had 2 panic attacks in the past 2 days. It’s been a couple months since I had a full on attack. The craps hitting the fan again and I don’t know where to hide to dodge all the crap coming my way…..
Sorry for the downer post. I just can’t keep it in anymore….
I feel like a broken record when I come here and post. I feel tired, that bone weary weighing you down tired. I am sick of being broke. I am sick of everything being so hard all the time. I am tired of life in general. I am sick of being me. We have 3 beater cars, all in terrible shape, and no money to fix them, but the are necessary to get to all our appointments etc. I feel like we are never going to get out of this mess we are in.
Hubby talked to a lawyer last week and he said he couldn’t help him, but referred him to another firm that probably could. That lawyer was supposed to call Friday, today at the latest…. no call. Of course. This is just another hit.
I literally feel like I am being beaten with a baseball bat- thwap hit to the back, thwap hit to the gut, thwap to the legs and I fall, thwap, thwap, thwap. I feel beaten and broken. I don’t know how much more I can take. I know people say that all the time, but I am just so beat down.
We are due for a 2 day winter storm starting tomorrow- they already cancelled my counseling appointment for tomorrow morning, and I needed that SO BAD. I have med management tomorrow afternoon and I am worried they will cancel that too.
Well I have to get my kids to bed so I can mope in peace.
I started a post last night about why I haven’t written much lately, but it isn’t so much that I haven’t written lately, it’s not writer’s block- it’s life block. I am barely living my life. I am not someone I have ever been, or ever dreamed I would be. Part of me wants to be curled up in bed, or watching TV or reading. And part of me looks at that part of me with disgust.
That part of me, looks at me and how I am living my life right now and wants to scream “wake the hell up”. You have two wonderful children- yes they have issues, but they are amazing human beings. Stop yelling at them for making messes, for wanting to play with slime, for being a typical teenager with earbuds in. You have an amazing husband who stands by you no matter what. He’s picked up the cooking when you dropped it, he doesn’t feel well either and yet he humor’s your breakdown. He listens to every bit of whining you do about your past, or how you look, or how much this isn’t the life you dreamed of. This isn’t the life he dreamed of either. He didn’t expect to be unable to work at 38 years old. He didn’t expect to have to depend on the “system”, he expected to follow in his father’s and grandfather’s footsteps, and work hard all his life, to come home and be a jack of all trades, to be able to take vacations, and be able to do things he wanted to do. That part of me, looks at me with disgust and disappointment. Thinks I am selfish. Hates me. That part of me knows I am a disappointment to my family, that I have never done anything or accomplished anything.
And that part of me? Hates all of me. Hates itself for not being stronger, for not being able to “snap out of it”.
I want so badly to wake up tomorrow and to smile, to be thankful for another day, to get up and make breakfast, happily get my kids ready for school, or better yet still be homeschooling them, to cook my husband a good meal at dinner time. To be the fun mom that makes slime, that let’s them cook in the kitchen and make a mess. The mom who understands that her teenager pushing her away isn’t about her, that it’s about growth and independence.
But instead I am trapped in a prison of my own construct. No matter how much I WANT to snap out of it, I can’t. I have mental illness. It’s not laziness, it’s not weakness, it’s not selfishness. It’s just as real as a physical illness. I KNOW this is my logical mind. In the part of my mind that Mary Poppins would say my insight lives. But I can’t seem to accept any truth where I am not at fault for everything.
Another reason I haven’t written is that I just don’t seem to be able to muster up the energy most days. For some reason that is unfathomable to me, February was a crazy stupidly busy month. And what 2 years ago I would have scoffed at and completed with ease, makes me need a long nap. My counselor and I were talking today about the fact that I am just drained all the time, I am grumpy and irritable, I have no hobbies anymore – even the thought of taking out my knitting needles makes me tired. She told me about the “spoon theory”. She explained it that we have a certain number of spoons everyday, and as a person with my mental illness has fewer spoons that someone without it. So where someone without mental illness can get up at 6am, shower, get their kids off to school, make breakfast and maybe work out and only use a spoon, me just thinking about getting up out of bed to face another day uses a spoon. And showering uses a spoon or two. That by the end of the day I don’t have any spoons left. So true. The only reason I have the energy to write all this out today is that I took a nap already, and I am home alone. Hubby has taken little one to occupational therapy, and big one is still at school. No one needs me at the moment.
Last night I was laying in bed thinking about how hubby has to take little one to occupational therapy and maybe I should surprise him and make dinner. I want to do that so much, but just thinking about the work it will take makes me exhausted. I am going to try. Even though everything I cook lately comes out terribly, even though it will wear me out. Sometimes I think I don’t express enough gratitude for all the does for us. He is the unsung hero, here in the family, holding us up, when he himself can barely stand. So while he might not be able to work, he is providing something so much more important than financial support, he is carrying the weight of it all on him. I will never be able to pay him back for all he does. I just wish my family could see the tremendous amount he contributes to our lives. I wish they would look at him the way I look at him and see a hero.
I have been thinking a lot lately that I don’t recognize who I am anymore. I have become the grouchiest, most irritable person there is. I get upset at the littlest thing. I use language that I don’t approve of nor do I normally use. My family is the main target of my grouchiness, and my angry outbursts it’s not usually directed at them, it’s my frustration with other things- like tonight that my shelf next to my chair needed to have the books taken off because it was too heavy for the old plaster walls. I was slamming things around, grouching and grumbling that I can never have anything that I want etc etc etc.
I am tired of being someone I don’t recognize, but it’s almost like I don’t have control over myself. It’s like I am Bruce Banner. And I have become very selfish. I don’t feel like I have anything that’s “mine” any space that’s “mine”. Every space that I have tried to set aside for me and my “bubble” gets taken over. I need space. I need somewhere to go and escape.
Growing up I had a friend, and her mom had her own room. I don’t know the exact specifics of why, but I didn’t understand at the time. But now, I understand- at least in my own way. I want a room of my own. I obviously still want to share a room with my husband, but I want a room where I can keep my books, my sewing and knitting stuff, a room I can go to to escape when I am feeling like the Hulk wants to rip himself out of my body.
I don’t know that I can make any changes. I don’t know that I can find a place in my house and make it mine. Maybe it’s selfish. But then again- my kids have the toy room, and their bedrooms. They take over the living room until they go to bed. And hubby, right now he doesn’t have any special rooms, and he doesn’t complain- I know he wants a workshop but he doesn’t get all pissy about it. I thought about making the school room a library/sewing room, but realize how much work that would take to do- so much to sort and sell…. Then I think I should just get rid of all my books, and just keep what’s on my kindle app, and be done with it.
It seems like every day I come up with a “dream” or something that I want to do, or get or whatever. And I told hubby today that I need to stop dreaming, I need to stop wishing. Maybe that will make me happier- if I just accept that this is as good as it gets and be done with it.