Scratched the itch to feel the burn…

On the way to PT I needed some release. I’m feeling – well I can’t even describe what I am feeling grumpy doesn’t really do it justice. I’m in a a low place, and my brain seems to want to go to places I don’t want it to go.

Like the last time I had my “old” husband, how he was before he got sick, before we lost our house, our car, before little one started having issues, before I had my breakdown. We live fairly close to the mountains.  And I won a weekend away 2 nights in a hotel in a touristy town in the mountains. 3 years ago in October. We hiked, we walked, and hiked some more.

Just a couple of the beautiful scenes we saw….

 

It was a hike we won’t ever be able to do again.  It was a trip we won’t be able to repeat. I have sweet, memorable moments, and some weird ones too but I still feel sad when I think of the trip, it was probably the best trip we have taken in our 22 years together.  I wish I had known it would be the last of it’s kind.

Hopefully we will have other trips and adventures, if his disability is approved without it, life will be hand to mouth forever. But Im getting ahead of myself. That’s too much for today.  Hubby is off getting an xray because now he has neck and shoulder pain, combined with pain and tingling down the outside of his arm and numbness in his 3rd, 4th, and 5th fingers, unrelated to activity so it’s not carpal tunnel. He can just be sitting in the chair and they go numb.  So something else to worry about….

Worry, worry, worry, that’s all I do.

What would you be if you weren’t a human?

Today I was getting gas before heading to see Mary Poppins, and the pump was running up higher and higher, I was watching a spider climbed down on her silk and I was thinking about how nice it would be to be a spider. It got me thinking about charlottes web. Charlotte had a job to do all she had to do was spin her web, and spin a new one every day untuntil it was time to lay her eggs and then she passed on. The babies grew in her egg sack hatched, and all but 3 flew off to make their own life, without the influence of a parent, their successes were their own, and their failures their own. And I was thinking about how much I might like to be a spider.  Just spinning my webs, day after day.

What I learned about Charlotte was she is an Araneus cavaticus.

Barn Spiders (Araneus cavaticus) are large, grayish, heavy-bodied spiders. This is one of the Araneus species known as “angulate”, a reference to the well-developed “shoulder humps”. On the underside of the abdomen it has a broad black band running down the center, the forward half bordered by two curving yellow lines, with a pair of yellow spots near the center of this band. Barn Spiders are found in the eastern United States from New England and adjacent Canada southwest through West Virginia to Alabama and Texas, but are generally more common in the northern part of the range. They often often build their webs around structures such as barns, bridges, arbors, fences, and porches, but have also been found beneath overhanging cliffs.

Adults of both sexes are densely covered with spines and hair-like bristles. The legs of the male are very long and thin and densely covered with long, thin spines. Body length is around 13 to 22 mm for females and 10 to 19 mm for males.

Orb webs are taken down (consumed) at the end of each night and rebult the next night. Most of the web is effectively solubilized and recycled by the spider (Townley and Tillinghast 1988).

This species is famous in literature as the model for Charlotte in Charlotte’s Web by the 20th century American author E.B. White.

But then I thought about all the people that hate spiders and the fact that I might get smooshed.

I thought about a maple tree.  Providing sap in the spring and gorgeous colors in the fall. But I could get chopped down and made into a piece of furniture, or a hardwood floor I suppose that wouldn’t be so bad….

I don’t know why I was thinking this, but it’s all I could think abut my entire trip to Mary Poppins office….

So what would you be if you weren’t a human?

 

 

Fallow Garden

As I look outside I see my main garden the plants /weeds are probably taller than me.  It’s all weeds, though a couple onions came back this year…

My herb garden has some live plants that carry on from year to year- mint, chives,  the rest is barren, just plain earth.  

It reminds me so much of my life right now.  There are a couple good things (onions) mixed among the multitude of weeds.  There’s barren land.  You can barely see the onions but if you were to pull up some of the weeds, you might find some gorgeous onions or maybe some rotten ones.  But I think I’m scared to up the weeds- what might I find?  If it’s just the rotten onions then what does that mean?  If it’s healthy onions I know there’s still hope that after this season of fallow there will be harvest again.  But if they are rotten? Is there hope?

And why don’t I harvest the chives and the mint, why don’t I cultivate it, the positive, and enjoy it?  It seems like so much work and effort. 

All of this seems such a metaphor for my life right now. I can only hope if I send hubby out to pull an onion a nice healthy one with flavor and smell. 

Clouds

As we were walking out of Trader Joe’s today I took a minute to admire God’s beauty.  The clouds at the top of my blog represent what I saw.  Cotton ball clouds superimposed on The bluest sky I’ve seen in a long time.  

I don’t often look around at the beauty around me, I’m too busy keeping my kids from running in the street, or just plain being distracted by life.  But I’m glad I took the few seconds to look up today.