Counseling (PollyAnna) Frustrates me…

So today was PollyAnna day.  It had already been a crappy day we found out that Big One needs glasses and he was NOT happy.  Then both kids had med management appointments, they tweaked both kids’ meds- big one is getting something that will help with his high anxiety, and little one is getting a long acting version of a med she’s already taking so that we ALL can have some sleep since little one comes in our bed every night at 2am.

After their med appointments I met with PollyAnna, she is a typical counselor who answers a question with a question and never spoon feeds you ANYTHING. This week we talked a lot about 1. avoidance….. how I was even avoiding her questions to the point that I didn’t remember the question.  2. Why I feel like everyone’ s happiness, success, sadness and failures fall on my head, that I don’t have that kind of control and 3. change.  Do I really WANT to change and what am I willing to do to change.

Im supposed to think about that this week.

  1. Do I want to/am I ready to change?
  2. What am I willing to do to change?

I asked her change what? What part? There’s much to change… and she said “how can I tell you what to change first?” Im like you are NO HELP.

And then what am I willing to do? I have no idea how to change, Ive been this way my whole life and so how would I know how to change. If I knew how to change I would have done that already.  How am I supposed to answer these questions if I don’t even know where to begin. So confusing. So hard.

More about my brain..

Hubby and I were talking about my double brain and I told him that my anxiety used to try to organize it all… and ow because anxiety is muted when it tries to organize OCD yells at anxiety because it’s not organized enough, and this doesn’t go next to that.  And then the depression says it’s too much work just leave it- let it be and embrace the chaos and go to sleep. And PTSD is always on watch that OCD not touch certain things even to organize them because that’ll burn.  It’s a mess in my head!!!

Another Day with PollyAnna

Whew what a session today. She called me out on every time I avoided, or tried to change the subject.

Today we talked about mom’s non response- which she has responded now. I am still processing the response but it’s better than I expected.

I don’t remember all the stuff we talked about, I was on screech today, jumping from topic to topic until we got to the topic of my brain, and how I feel like it’s separated into two parts. One side is orderly.  It’s where I keep this filing cabinet of information, facts, dates, numbers, things I can pull out of a hat to impress people with my knowledge and my intelligence. I need validation and praise. I thrive on it, it’s like a drug.

The other half of my brain is chaos it’s where everything else is.  That’s where everything else is.  The negative feelings, negative self talk, sadness abuse, avoidance, feeling not good enough etc etc.

And I’m standing between A double yellow line trying to walk in both parts of my brain. My sister calls that ambivalence I call it exhaustion…

I don’t know what I would look like without chaos in my brain, and I worry that I would look like a super Duper control freak if I I only had order, my sister wants to know why order has to equal control and that’s a question I can’t answer. How can it not equal control because in order to have order someone has to set up that order.

Pollyanna asked if I’m ready to live without The chaos and to be honest with you I don’t know.

Sick little one…..

For those of you with OCD you are either going to understand this, or the majority of you will read this and think I am a monster.

My youngest, my princess is sick. I have been saying for 2 days it’s strep but daddy wasn’t so convinced.  It being Friday I brought her in because I didn’t want to end up in the ER this weekend, and low and behold it’s strep. Mother’s intuition, there’s nothing like it.

Anyway I am walking a very fine line here. I really struggle when someone in my household is sick.  I feel compassion, but I have a very hard time caring for them because I am unhealthily afraid of their germs.  It’s almost as if I can see the germs passing around in the air, on my stuff. It’s like I want to pack a suitcase and run away until the illness has passed.  It’s been such a hard line. I want to pick her up and cuddle her 6 year old self, but my brain has a red alert sound going off.  It’s literally like fight or flight mode. I am wiping things down with Clorox wipes, I am washing my hands constantly, she brought me 3 blueberries yesterday and I washed them with antibacterial hand wipes before I would eat them. Yes, it has progressed that far. I won’t let her near my phone, I won’t touch her iPad.

In the end I will probably still end up getting strep, and I will survive it, and life will go on, no one will go up in smoke.  But I am literally shaking afraid of these germs floating in our air, waiting to jump on me from furniture, door knobs, sink handles. I wish I wasn’t like this. I wish I could just let her climb in bed with me, but I can’t. I can’t touch the remote until it’s been sanitized, I picked up her toys and immediately scrubbed my hands. I lost count how many times I have washed my hands today. This is a terrible way to live. But I don’t know any other way.  And really, it’s strep- not that big of a deal but my  brain works like this ebola is the same as strep is the same as the common cold. Literally. My brain is so broken.

Lest you all think I am a monster- I did tuck her in, cover her up, say our prayers, sing out special song, kiss her on the CHEEK and tell her I love her more than life itself- our nightly routine-altered only by the usual kiss on the nose and forehead….. but man I felt like I needed another shower. OCD I HATE YOU!

Mary Poppins is on my #$!@ list…

Not really I know she’s doing what’s best for me, but she’s told me I can’t nap during the day anymore. That’s like taking away my only coping skill.  It’s like taking away my best friend. It’s like taking away the only peace I have in life.  It’s the only time I sleep well, I get to avoid the hard stuff that happens all day.  She says I am interrupting my sleep cycle and it’s reversing itself, and it’s causing my nighttime anxiety to be worse, and thereby my depression worse. And I need to change it back before it does any more damage.

So that means I have to get off the couch, but I am still not allowed to do anything because of my hip.  The regulations are hard.  Right now I can’t put more than 20lbs of pressure on my left leg, hopefully that will change tomorrow, and I can stop the crutches/walker it’s making my carpal tunnel so much worse and I can barely type this. After that I am not allowed to bed, squat, crawl or kneel for 3 months.  I can’t stand for more than 30 minutes for 8 weeks- so another words I can’t do anything.  Exercise – even walking- is 6 months.

July 13 I have surgery for my left hand carpal tunnel and then I will have my right hand done 6 weeks later. Full use, recovery will take about 6 months, so by the New Year I should be a new woman. And maybe by then I will know what’s wrong with my thyroid… since I am completely convinced I have thyroid cancer or some sort of tumor since my TSH numbers has been rising so rapidly.

So now that I can’t nap I have to sit in a chair, we do not have a single comfortable chair for me to sit in, but if I lay on the couch I WILL nap.  I want a nap right now more than I want anything else in the world. Mary Poppins is trying to kill me. PollyAnna told me to cut back on naps, but now Mary Poppins doesn’t want me to nap at all.

I also feel guilty – I have cut pretty much everyone out of my life. I haven’t been talking to my friends, I haven’t responded to texts. I just have nothing to say.  When someone asks how you are, they really don’t want to know.

I know I need to put my faith in God, I intellectually know all the things I need to do, but I just don’t know how to do it. Trust is my issue. I can’t let it go-any of it.  I carry it all around with me, it’s like this video I saw a couple years ago- it really hits home….

Maybe someday God I will be able to let it all go to you.  Maybe then this darkness and hurt inside me will be gone, and I will be whole.

Until next time….

What a day already….

My morning started at 1:00 am having to pee. After navigating and entirely dark room on crutches as not to wake up the husband I got to the bathroom did my business and made my way back in and then proceeded to lay there for an hour and a half where sleep eluded me. I read some blogs, peruse Facebook to see if any of my eastern time zone friends were awake, they weren’t. I put my phone away, tried saying the alphabet backwards spelling things doing all the things that I do to try to get to sleep until finally at 2:30 AM I woke hubby up and told him my ankle was killing me. Dutifully he got up and got me an ice pack and helped me get comfortable, I felt like such a burden waking him up when I knew he needed to get up early for a doctors appointment. After about another half an hour I fell asleep.

Only to be woken at 8 AM by my husband letting me know that big one had woken up sick in the night at camp and was in the infirmary and he would pick him up on his way home from his doctors appointment. I called the camp to see how he was doing and predicted strep over the phone. Come to find out when he picked him up hubby found out that his bunk mate went home with strep yesterday. They are now at the pediatricians office. 

Not that money is everything but this camp cost $220 and I spent close to $200 in clothes for him to go with neither of us working this was a hardship but something that he desperately wanted to do. Now that he’s home he can go back after he’s been on antibiotics for 24 hours. However he doesn’t want to go back. He hates it, there was a disabled child who had a seizure that extremely upset my son probably because he knows he had seizures as a baby and he now knows what he went through I don’t know for sure… 

He was also part of the literature distribution group and they went into the not so savory part of the big cities nearby and he saw things that he’s not used to junk people people wielding baseball bats people open carrying. Hubby and I explained to him that many people he loves and respects open carry that there’s nothing wrong with that but that we can understand his fear going into an environment that’s uncomfortable. We are not going to force him to go back. It’s difficult to tell with him while he’s ready for and what he’s not ready for, he may be 14 on the outside, but on the inside he is not he is developmentally delayed due to his autism, and anxiety. His bipolar doesn’t really play apart I don’t think in that but I wouldn’t be surprised if it makes him cycle one way or another.

So After all of this I decide I need to clean out my email inbox I have five different email accounts and I went through and accidentally deleted over 30,000 emails some of them were emails I still needed blogs I hadn’t read yet things I still need to take care of as well as bills to be paid that are always in a special folder. Hopefully I’ll be able to remember all the bills that need to be paid the first of this month.

Still no word on hubby’s disability we’re just gonna have to keep waiting. I’m feeling quite overwhelmed today, and my houses a mess, and my rabbits have not been changed for well over a week I’m going to have to ask my husband to do it when he gets home because I can’t stand to smell them anymore.

I’ve bitten my nails down to the quick and bitten my cuticles to the blood I need to feel better, Mary Poppins that I could call her this week if I needed her and she would fit me in but all I can think of is what is she going to do, I’ve been seeing her for six months and according to her I’m worse so what was going in a week early do for me? Instead I’ll continue to count the sheet rock screws in the ceiling because I feel like doing nothing else. 


Until next time…

Hurting- physically- my hip 

My hip has been sore most of the day today, of course I did a few things that were not probably the best decision-I switched over the laundry and I accidentally bent over a couple times.  It’s hard to remember not to do things that you’ve done since you were probably a toddler.

But I’m also working really hard to recover without pushing myself too hard but maybe I am pushing myself too hard. I feel like there’s no visible change in my mental health status so I want to see progress in some area of my life.

I’m really not sure going off the Latuda was a good thing or not. I don’t have that overwhelming exhaustion in the morning which is a good thing but I don’t feel any better then again I don’t feel any worse. I find it hard to believe that my Thyroid could be the culprit of all of this I think maybe it’s a piece but I know that my thyroid didn’t cause my PTSD or my OCD or my anxiety those have been hanging around following me like a shadow my entire life the depression comes and goes although it seems to set up camp almost permanently lately.

We’re going to miss church tomorrow I think I’m going to listen to one of the CDs of the previous weeks that I’ve missed because I really feel like I need a recharge of my soul that I’m not getting elsewhere because you can’t get it elsewhere. The TVs been on a lot so I haven’t heard a lot of worship music though I have been praying a lot, for a friend who has a prodigal daughter I can’t imagine the pain she’s feeling she wants her daughter back so much.

Well I took two Percocet about 45 minutes ago they’re going to kick in real soon so I better go. 

Until next time…