Tomorrow we start with the first of our Christmas celebrations. We are going to my mother’s house. My sister will be there with her husband and son, and hubby, big one and little one will be coming of course.
I always approach these days at mom’s with some trepidation and angst. We are the black sheep. My step-father likes to remind us of that every chance he gets. He likes to bring up topics that he knows are going to irritate me. They judge us, and our decisions. We always have to do weird things- like this year we have to make a dish that is part of a Christmas song or story. I am making sugar plums. Part of me never wants to go- but the part of me that’s still a little girl and craves her mother can’t wait. My mother suffers from crippling anxiety but pretends she doesn’t. She gets me going and by the end of the night I am feeling like I have ran a marathon.
But I am going to do my best to not let them drag me in to the hot topics. I am going to lay down the ball and not toss it back. I am not mentally strong enough to volley with them.
I don’t know if I mentioned that I started a new antidepressant this week, my doctor told my husband to keep the bottle away from me because taken in too large of a dose it is fatal. I suppose it doesn’t help that I told her that if I ever took my own life it would be with pills. Everything else seems so messy, or painful. I don’t like pain. I really think she wants me to have a crisis eval, but honestly I do ok most days, it’s the days that big one is being particularly abusive, or days when my anxiety is out of control.
Going back to my earlier post about guilt- I feel guilty that I don’t call my father enough- even though he is the way he is. I feel guilty I have depression/anxiety/OCD/PTSD and possibly a personality disorder- I have a living husband and two beautiful children (though they often drive me insane- which also makes me feel guilty). It never ends.
Today was ECT number 5. I don’t know if I feel any different – well that’s not true- I know that I have much higher anxiety, that I can’t remember hardly anything at all, big one came home talking about French class today and I couldn’t remember that he took French in school. That’s something that happened long before ECT so it’s obvious that ECT is effecting more than just the current memories I am making- or not making as the case may be.
I guess I can see some differences, but most of them have an explanation- like I haven’t been as irritable with the kids, but 1. I am too tired to be irritable, and 2. I just don’t have the energy to be irritated. It seems to me the those are symptoms of depression. I don’t know. I was telling my new counselor yesterday that I feel like a faucet was shut off. Not only do I feel numb much of the time, I am anxious and can’t remember anything.
But I am worried that I won’t know if/when the ECT is working. I was talking to the Psychiatrist today about how long I have had depression, and if I am being honest I have been depressed on and off most of my life, even as far back as childhood, so would I even know what feeling good feels like? And when my anxiety is elevated to this level (you know that feeling like before you have to give a big presentation? Or know you are in trouble? That pit in your stomach? I have that 24/7 lately. And my anxiety is always louder than my depression. In fact when I was first diagnosed depressed I didn’t believe the doctor, I thought I was just very very anxious with PTSD and OCD, but once I was finally getting my anxiety treated I saw the depression. And I can tell you right now my anxiety is as high if not higher than it was when I started getting treated for it. So it’s hard for me to see anything but that.
Well I guess that’s all, I am sure I had more to say but I can’t think of it, and my stomach is doing flip flops so I need to try to distract myself.
Until next time.
I had my first ECT treatment today. I got to the hospital and the first thing the nurse did (well after I changed into their stylish gowns ha ha) was start my IV. After that the doctor came in and dida little bit of a physical just to make sure everything was good and they checked out the EKG I had last month.
After all that was done they brought me back to the OR. My question is this why is it that the OR is so much colder than the rest of the hospital. The ride to the OR it’s like it’s getting colder and colder and colder.
Once I was in the OR they put and oxygen mask over my face while they were talking and said that they were going to be injecting my IV and I say yes with something that burns as I felt the burn, at this point I could feel my soul start to fade and as I was drifting off I felt them put the ciff on my leg. The cuff was intended to be tightened so the medicine that they give you that’s the muscle relaxer won’t get down there and so only your big toe wiggles and that’s how they tell that you’re having the seizure.
The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room with a really bad headache and feeling nauseous and panicked because I didn’t know how my daughter got to school I thought we had left her at home alone keeping in mind she’s only seven this is a very disconcerting thought. I made the nurse, husband on his cell phone and find out, and he reminded me we had dropped her off at a friends house.
The next little while I was been to recovery trying to get rid of the headache and the nausea with Tylenol and Zofran after they felt that I was stable enough and awake enough they brought me back to my original room where I recovered for a little bit longer and they let me have ginger ale and graham crackers and after that I was free to go.
After we left the hospital I felt ok. I wasn’t happy and kitty but I also didn’t feel horrible. I don’t know it’s hard to explain maybe a little better- so I had hoped that this was working. But once I got home and all the meds wear off the overwhelming sense of doom, those butterflies in your stomach and the anxiety that makes me shake inside came back. Along with a headache so I’ve been taking Advil and trying to relax.
But wouldn’t you know this is the day my kids decide that it’s time for World War III. My next treatment is on Monday I will definitely update again after that.
One funny thing was when I was explaining to my daughter that I had surgery and she said where and I said on my brain she was like on your brain? and I said yes they put electricity into my brain and she said oh you mean like Frankenstein. I had to kind a laugh at that.
Honestly the title says it all. I feel really lonely since the kids of gone back to school even though hubby is home he really I don’t know he just putters away at little things that need to be done.
Since the kids of gone back to school I have no purpose no cause, for five years my career my everything was put in to educating them and suddenly I find I don’t know who I am without the labels that I had.
Today was Pollyannas last day, I decided to try out the therapist in the room next-door simply out of convenience and out of the fact that I wouldn’t have to step out of my comfort zone to search for one out of the facility. This was the first timeSince I can remember actually saying goodbye to somebody. I avoid it like the plague. When someone dies they just never existed or I just haven’t seen them for a while. But today I actually had to say goodbye and my heart is broken and I don’t even know why I didn’t like her that much I mean liked her well enough but I’m just not sure that we made any progress in in a year. I don’t like this closure thing and I’ve decided I don’t want to do it again. It sucks.
Today is November 7 usually by now has been a week of Christmas music blasting in my house 24/7. I just can’t get into the mood this year my mom says put it on and I’ll get in the mood but there’s something holding me back I’m not sure what it is maybe it’s that I don’t want to not feel in the mood and listen to it because it’ll ruin it I don’t know I don’t know much Of anything these days. I wish the ECT people had called me back maybe that would’ve helped. Tomorrow I go and see about my two sprained ankle‘s and too bad hips and I’m convinced that they’re going to think I’m a hypochondriac but I’m not and physically in pain but they’re probably just going to tell me there’s nothing they can do I’m so tired of hearing that from doctors. I’m so tired of a lot of things. Like I have this new anxiety symptoms he comes on when I’m really upset or nervous and just feels like I just licked a 9 V battery now don’t tell me you never did that As a kid but it’s very unnerving when you didn’t like the battery in your body does that.
In case you Hadn’t noticed I feel like life is sucking pretty bad and when I had my yearly review at my med doctor and psychologists office today angle assessment she asked me how the past year was and I said it sucked and I gave her all the reasons that it sucked and it reminded me of how much my life sucks right now.
I guess That’s all for today I don’t really have much more to contribut.
I have really been neglecting my blog lately. I just feel like I don’t have anything new to say. Life marches on, passes me by while I waste time at dr appointments, napping, or just letting the time pass.
I think I mentioned that PollyAnna is leaving. I need to find a new therapist – which is going to be hard for me, I don’t like change, I don’t like transitions and finding someone else to pour my heart out to, to get vulnerable with is going to be hard. Today I “interviewed” the one in the office next to PollyAnna, she seemed ok, but she is not a Christian. Now before you all jump down my throat the reason I asked her this is that I really think that in order to get better I have to draw closer to God, and I think I need a counselor who will ground his/her foundation on the THE foundation, THE cornerstone- Jesus. It was interesting because I told her that I prefer to be called by my nickname and not my given name. And at the end of our session PollyAnna said in all our sessions, never once did you ever tell me you prefer to be called by your nickname. I found it curious and interesting because I usually lead with that because I am not a huge fan of my “real” name.
I am working on the national novel writing month, and I met day 1 goal but I hate the story, and the writing so I am going to have to start over. Which intimidates me and makes me upset.
Also I realized something else about myself, I am a slave to routine, to my calendar and to what is planned. Yesterday I was supposed to get my hair cut but my stylist was out sick with walking pneumonia and I freaked out, I HAD to get my hair cut yesterday, it was on the schedule I had to do it. PollyAnna says that’s my OCD, whatever it is, I never realized how bad it was.
Yesterday Big One asked me if I was going to go along with my deal, I said what deal? He said that you can’t listen to Christmas music until November 1. I hadn’t even remembered that deal, and I had and still have no desire to listen to the music (heck I forgot about trick or treat till my kids reminded me. It makes me sad that I haven’t started my tradition. I am usually Christmas obsessed, but this depression has taken that from me too. It’s taking parts of my personality one little bit at a time.
Well have to get my monsters off to bed so I better go but I will write again soon.
I haven’t been around much lately, I have been going to more doctors than I care to admit. I think I mentioned I sprained my ankle last week falling off a step ladder, well this isn’t an isolated incident I have been having balance issues since my hip surgery. So now that my right ankle is sprained my left hip (surgical hip) is taking all the weight and it can’t handle it… it’s not strong enough. And to make matters worse they think my right hip has the same issue my left did, but we can’t do surgery until I “have a leg to stand on” basically. So they are referring me back to the doctor I first saw at their practice and he will manage me non surgically and then when things are straightened out we will reevaluate surgery on my right hip. Hello cortisone injections. What I really really want is some Percocet and sleep for a week.
I also saw the dr about the ECT. And I was all set to start Monday but I really felt like I didn’t have any support in this – friends telling me to pray it away, well-meaning people telling me it’s awfully invasive. So I met with Mary Poppins and I decided to up my current meds, cancel the ECT and go from there. After that I met with PollyAnna, which did I mention she’s leaving and now I am stuck finding a new therapist. Hello abandonment issues I haven’t seen you in a while I missed you. And I came to the conclusion while talking to her I want someone to tell me to do the ECT. And I felt like I needed support that I wasn’t getting. And I thought hubby was against it, when it turns out he’s only against maintenance ECT. So I called the place back and we will do itthe 2nd’ or 3rd week of November.
But now for the reason for this post. I have lost my critical thinking skills as well as my executive functioning skills. My sister pointed it out, and my hubby agrees. I am slowly losing all the things that make me ME. It’s like I am Michael J Fox on Back to the Future an I am beig erased from the picure….
And finally a changed diagnosis and a new one? I recently had a treatment plan and when I compared it to my last one Mary Poppins changed Major Depressive disorder recurrent episode moderate toMajor Depressive disorder recurrent episode severe. Awesome. Getting worse not better. She also put ruling out unspecified personality disorder. Awesome. That’s not something mananged with meds, that’s the fiber of your being – who you are. How do I deal with that. Im thinking I am dependent personality disorder though I do meet some of the criteria for Borderline. Either way I am sick to death of not getting better but getting worse and worse.
Next time maybe I will talk about how I feel about PollyAnna leaving and the search for a new therapist.
Here I am sitting in the car my daughter soccer game/practice. I know that I should get a lawn chair out and go sit and watch her play but I want to just sit in the car maybe read, or listen to an audiobook or maybe even scratch. I’ve been feeling the urge all day, trying to decide if I want to or not. I think it’s crazy that I can control whether I do it or not It’s not an in voluntary thing I make the decision and I do it.
Who Would consciously decide to hurt themselves what kind of person what’s wrong with them in their head why does the pain matter it’s not like the pain you feel of the depression or the anxiety or the OCD with the PTSD or what other acronym you want to use it goes away… And then there is the fact that I don’t know if I’m sinning. That’s a lie, I know I’m sending I am defacing God’s temple because God said our bodies are a temple. But I don’t stop . The scrapes and scratches and scabs from the last time ate going away and I think that’s part of why I want to do it again because I need them there to remind me of the pain somehow I don’t I don’t even know.
I haven’t talk to my dad and days we didn’t leave things in a very good note I don’t know if I should call him or not I did hear through the grapevine that he still in the hospital and has not been released to the Long-term care facility, I don’t know if that’s his doing or if there is or if he’s too sick. I just don’t know if I should call him I get a pit in my stomach every time I think about calling him, but part of me thinks it’s the right thing to do. But he Always messes with my mental health, so the survival instinct in me doesn’t want me to call… Stay tuned for when I decide to do.
I’m happy news my blog now has 100 followers. 100 People read a blog that I wrote and decided to follow me. That makes me feel good.