So done.

Do you have those days/weeks/months/years when you feel like you are just done.  Done with adulting, with fighting for every thing, with trying to get through the day?  That’s where I am today.  Sick and tired of it all.

The IEP meeting went horribly.  All my predictions came true.  And now we are facing what move to make next.  I am already fighting the school to follow the IEP in place for my son, he has two years left.  I don’t have it in me to fight another 10 years for help for my daughter.  It’s not gotten us anywhere.   So we are seriously considering bringing her home for homeschool again.  Ugh.  So many pros and cons- and neither side has an overwhelming majority.

All through the IEP meeting my whole body was shaking.  I tried to take a drink from my water bottle (which I should fill with vodka next time) and I nearly spilled it all over the table.  I even told the OT I disagree with her.  She’s a useless person.  Little one has an incorrect pencil grip, has trouble forming her letters the “right” way – like she starts her S at the bottom, and she many letter reversals- b and d, p and q sometimes a.  Well the OT said they can’t correct the pencil grip and the formation because it’s now muscle memory and would be too difficult to fix.  As for letter reversals they said they do that in K-1 so they can’t do that, plus in 2nd grade they don’t mark those wrong…. so hubby and I countered with – so we will wait till it’s “a habit and muscle memory that’s too hard to fix” and deal with it when she is failing and getting things wrong.  And basically they said yes.  WTH.  They also don’t want to do an OT eval, because of her non-compliance with tests…. I was like, isn’t that indicative of a problem right there?   She had no answer for that. STUPID.

Normally by now I have gotten Christmas decorations out.  I am dreading it this year.  It all seems like so much work.

I am thankful I am done my Christmas shopping other than what I need to get 2 friends.  Things are getting worse, and at least that’s not hanging over my head.

So yeah… done.

29 minutes…

Twenty-nine minutes until the IEP meeting for little one.  I am a nervous wreck.  This was not the time to take me off my Benzos- holidays where I have to be around people, IEP meetings…. I am just on my way to losing it…. some more than I already have.  I don’t know why I am so scared of this stupid meeting.  I am pretty sure it’s just to discuss why I want the evals I want.  But still….

Alone

Sometimes I feel like I have no one to talk to, except my therapist. I wish I had her on speed dial.

I have friends. I have family. Sometimes I vent to them. But sometimes I feel like “that friend/family member that does nothing but complain”. And sometimes I just can’t talk about what’s bothering me, sometimes there aren’t words, sometimes my feelings are unreasonable and unrealistic and could cause hurt feelings. So I’ve been doing a lot of stuffing and avoiding.

People are noticing I’m isolating myself. People are noticing that I’m missing. And I care that they notice, and then I feel compelled to rectify that, and then I either stay missing or I go and spend the entire time on edge.

I’ve noticed some friends and I have drifted apart. And I want to get that back, but I just don’t have anything to give.

I’ve tried faking it at home, tried plastering on a smile and be Suzy-homemaker but that inevitably leaves me feeling resentful, and I end up just losing my temper because it’s all too much. Too much.

Thanksgiving was a perfect example of this.  We had 8 of us here, and hubby and I cooked- but mostly I cooked.  Something I always used to enjoy but now… not so much.  And I was stressed to the max.  I dropped all the carrots in the sink, a million dish towels, and utensils.  People at the table were “bickering”… goading each other just for the fun of it.  But I plastered a smile on my face, and only got after everyone once, and told them it’s  Thanksgiving,  cut it out, smile and you will have fun.

After dinner was over my inlaws stayed after my mom and step father left.  We were talking and I made a comment about something wiseass, and MIL said “you’re fine now”.  Like one wiseass comment means I feel fine.  She went on to say that because I was able to put on the meal etc that meant I was fine.  Um, hello? Really?  She wasn’t here yesterday (hubby’s 40th birthday) to see the aftermath of the day.  I was grumpy, had a short fuse, and was exhausted. Today I still am. Seriously, I don’t get it.

Princess Glitter Sparkle (a.k.a. my counselor) wants to call Mary Poppins (a.k.a. med management doctor)… I’m not sure why, I hope she tells me when I see her this week.

We have an IEP meeting for little one on Monday.  I had forgotten about it until I looked at the calendar tonight.  and now I have that to stress about.  I know they aren’t going to give her what she needs. I don’t think I mentioned she was diagnosed with ODD.  Did I mention she ran away from school 2x and came home?  She has OT delays, issues with self-regulation, and stutters.  She reverses her letters.  She’s 8.  We need to find out why.  I have asked for evaluations.  But I am sure she’s not going to get them.  I know I sound like a doomsday-er, but I have been here, done that, bought the teeshirt, and the hoodie, and the towel and the socks.  I am not doing this again.  I will take her out and homeschool her again.  I am just so done.

Did I mention that I went back to school?  Online- no way could I do this in the classroom- though this coming semester I have to take 1 class, 1 day a week at the campus and I am flipping out already.  As if I don’t have enough to do, I decided to finish my bachelors degree, I thought maybe having something to do would help- not so much, it has made so much more stress in my life.  But maybe my mom and some other people in my life will stop being so disappointed with the way my life turned out.  Maybe I will “shine”.

I don’t even want to post this… I know some of the people who know me “in real life” read this, and I don’t want them to think I’m talking about them, I don’t want them to feel the need to reach out, I don’t know what I want.

I’m still alive…

Again it’s been a long while since I wrote. Writing seems like so much work. And I’m already writing a lot… I’ll share about that soon – I’m not ready to spill the beans just yet.

So what’s new? Not much. I have ups and downs. The up days are way fewer than the down days. I’m trying- most days. Some days trying is too hard. Some days just thinking about trying makes me exhausted.

I’m still seeing my counselor an hour a week, and going to Dialectical Behavioral Therapy 2 hours a week. We are getting ready to start inner child work, we’ve been trying to start for a couple of months but things keep “getting in the way”. Honestly, I think I might be avoiding…. I need to face this. I don’t think I’ll ever be ok if I don’t.

It’s been 83 days since I last scratched. I’ve been looking at my scars, they give me comfort in a way. They are small, but there, sharing my pain. I’ve picked up some other coping mechanisms like pulling my eyebrows, and not leaving my hair alone.

My OCD is smacking me in the face constantly- especially since cold and flu season is here now. I’ve been wiping my inside clothes down with disinfectant wipes if someone in the family touches me. It’s so damn frustrating.

I have more to say but maybe if I save it I’ll write again sooner… until next time.

Posts I never post….

Do you ever pour your heart out into a post and never post it? Just save it to a draft and stuff the feelings down? I do.

I’m Baaaaaack

It’s been a while I know.  I probably don’t even have any followers anymore.  So…

Where have I been?

The past couple months I have been really focused on therapy.  I have been seeing Princess Glitter Sparkle 1 hour a week for individual therapy, and 2 hours a week for group DBT (dialectical behavior therapy).  It has been good for me.  First, she is THE BOMB of therapists.  Best one I have ever had.  She is REAL, she is funny, she gets my humor, we laugh together, she’s gotten me to open up about stuff that’s hard.  She’s quirky and washes her hands a lot, so she’s a real person.  So all in all she’s awesome.  And I am so blessed to have found her.

I have also been reading a lot. I have been both reading and listening to audiobooks like crazy.  My goal for the year was 52 books, I have read 33 so far and am currently reading 4 more. Reading helps me escape.  But not just into my own head, but into a story, that for the most part makes me feel good (I try not to read sad things but there was one recently that had me in tears- but good tears).

Did I talk about Fat Camp (medical weight management)?  In case I didn’t- the dr was awesome.  She was nice, and listened to everything I had to say.  She was empathic and just nice- even if she was 15 pounds soaking wet, abut 9 feet tall, and looked like she was from Sweden. I met with the dietician, and while she was great, I just don’t know if I can do what they are asking of me – 1000-1200 calories a day, no carbs, put my body in ketosis and stay there, until goal “weight” which they wouldn’t tell me the ideal because they don’t want me focusing on a number (so why do they want me to weigh in every time???)- but here’s the problem, the hospital has decided after 8 years to cut the program.  So after August 24 I have no support. So….yeah… Have considered a couple other “do-it yourself” programs.  Anyone have long-term success with any? Comment here and let me know. The BEST thing about the program is they have this neat machine that you hook up to and breathe into for 10 minutes and it gives you your basil metobolic rate (basically how many calories you burn at rest) 1796 BTW.

I haven’t been leaving the house much.  Even prior to my surgery (will get to that in a minute).  I admit, I am not leaving the house much.  Only to things I ABSOLUTELY have to do- therapy, appointments for the kiddos etc.

I had surgery a couple weeks ago, the same surgery I had last summer on my left hip but this time on my right hip.  This time recovery hasn’t gone as smoothly.

  1.  During recovery I stopped breathing several times – this has never happened before, so they think I have apnea and I am waiting on a sleep study.  Fun.  It really solidified in my mind how big I am getting and the fact that I really need to do something about it.
  2. I developed DVT (deep vein thrombosis – a blood clot) in my surgical leg just under a week after surgery.  Thankfully hubby and I were paying attention to the signs, got to the dr and got treatment.  I will be on blood thinners for 6 months and I should be fine (though at increased risk for DVT again).  I was lucky the clot was below my knee (felt like a Charlie horse in my calf) because its much rarer for those to break up and go to the brain/lungs/heart.  So thank God for that.

In Other news:

  1. I am still napping a lot- but is it escapism or because Im not sleeping well because of  apnea (I wake up so tired, but I also can’t fall asleep at night) I think I have messed with my internal clock.

2.  In general, I am feeling a bit better about life.  I am not so down, and depressed. I don’t know when it happened, just one day I was like- “huh, doesn’t suck so bad today”.  That’s not to say I am 100% awesome everyday, most days I don’t think that everything sucks.

3.  Anxiety, OCD, and irritability are all in full swing.  But I can’t expect that they will go away anytime soon, and I guess that’s ok.

Mental Health Summary: Not everything sucks.  Still trying to isolate myself.  But things aren’t quite as bad as they were.

Everything else: Day by day.

So there you have it. Until next time (which I hope won’t be as long).

I’m a Coward

I’m currently hiding in my bedroom with my dogs… I left my brewing tea downstairs… my son has a friend from school over. Someone I’ve never met. I’m so not cool with it.

Hubby is irritated with me because I’m “hiding”… but I see it as a form of self preservation. My OCD is at an all time high today. During church I had to use a antibacterial wipe on my shirt because the kid behind me touched my shirt. I had to shower because we went to church. I have changed 3 times since coming home because of different contaminants.

It seems like lately I have been in hand washing loops as I call them. I’ll wash my hands, get 5 paper towels, dry my hands shut off the water with said towels, open the door with the towels, shut off the light with the towels, throw the towels away- then have to start over and over again. Sometimes it happens right during DBT. There’s a sink in the room and I will just wash over and over and over.

I hate getting stuck in these loops. It’s irritating to my rational brain, and it makes me feel like a lunatic.

So yeah. I’m hiding in my bedroom. I can’t meet anyone new today.