I’m drowning (in schoolwork)

This semester school is kicking my butt.  It could be that the depression is back with a vengeance.  Was put on yet another med- Topamax- I forget how many that makes now– too many.  But also I am taking a 7 week class.  Psychology of adolescence.  Holy Moly.  A 7 week class when you are 18 is a world of difference when you are 40.  I am barely hanging on by a thread, add to that homeschooling 2 kids, 3 hours of therapy, and my lack of motivation -yet my need for perfection- Im teetering on the edge.  Just need to make it till March 9 and I will be down to 3 classes, and May 10 and it’s done.  Graduation, May 11.

Been feeling pretty crappy lately.  I have had this impending sense of doom.  I am convinced sometime utterly terrible is going to happen… I don’t know what it is, but something truly horrible.  Logically I know I am probably dreaming but I can’t help but get a pit in my stomach when I let my mind wander.

Homeschooling is… going… well… it’s hard.  I know it’s what’s best. But it’s hard.  It’s hard under the best of circumstances but given all the circumstances we have going it’s super hard.  But we have some really good days.  And I am so thankful that I don’t have to send them back to a place that isn’t good for them.  It’s good for some kids, definitely.  My kids just don’t fit in that box.

In other news, we are still waiting on news of hubby’s disability claim, but when I checked the claim status it told me it can’t display the status right now, that is a good sign that there is movement.  Fingers crossed.

I guess it’s time to get back to the grind.

Until next time.

In an effort to be more productive….

The other day I was thinking about how much time I spend scrolling up and down my newsfeed, and refreshing over and over again.  I decided to shut off all notifications of facebook (but not messenger since that’s my main means of communication with just about everyone).  I moved the app to an unused page of my phone screen.

Poof.  Less facebook = so much more time for everything else right?  WRONG.  Haven’t been to facebook in 2 days so far.  But I find other ways to waste my time- staring at the kitchen clock works well.  As does laying my head on my laptop.  Oh Oh and sitting staring into space.  There’s not shortage of time wasters in my vicinity.

I have had super duper anxiety lately, and yet very little affect.  I just have no motivation to even move my face… but my legs are jiggling like crazy under the table….

I need to get motivated and get through this semester then – graduation at which time I can commence sleeping in my chair all day again.

Nom de Plume: Just because I love that phrase…

Sometimes I wish I had written this without anyone in my “real” life being able to read it.  I have been very careful not to identify myself for strangers who might know me in person, but I know of a few of my friends and family who read this.

But that makes it hard for me to talk about several topics.  I don’t feel like I am able to talk about my frustrations with certain things (and people) in my life.

So on to what I feel like I can say.  First of all over the past couple of years I have become an expert in faking it.  We just had some people here that coordinate the mental health workers for my kids. They commented on how happy I seemed.  Ha! Little to they know how I have been feeling today.  Little do they know how with deliberateness (Is that a word) and calmness I self-harmed this morning. I have to reset the “clock” I have – 160 days I made it.  But this morning I just needed relief, and it felt good.

I’m at that scary place where it all seems fine on the outside but on the inside I am a bubbling mass of mess.

I guess that’s all….

Schools out for Christmas.

Turned in my term paper and took my final and with that this semester is closed. I have received my final grade in on class 98.75% not too shabby ;). Waiting on grades for my other 3 classes – supposed to post by Saturday.

I was looking forward to a good month off- but instead I decided to take a winter term class. WHAT IN THE WORLD IS WRONG WITH ME???

But by doing that I will be able to take 3 classes next semester (MY LAST ONE!!) instead of 4. And one class I took only lasts 7 weeks, so after that I will be in 2 classes until I graduate.

Other than that, things haven’t really changed – just plodding along. Hubby and I were talking yesterday and I said something – I don’t remember what- and he said in a surprised tone- do you think you’ll never get better?” I was brutally honest. I told him I am definitely losing hope of that and that I’m beginning to believe this is as good as it will ever get. He said he can’t believe that’s the case.

But it’s true. I think over the past couple of years and I don’t see very much progress. It’s disheartening.

I guess that’s all. Until next time…

So done.

Do you have those days/weeks/months/years when you feel like you are just done.  Done with adulting, with fighting for every thing, with trying to get through the day?  That’s where I am today.  Sick and tired of it all.

The IEP meeting went horribly.  All my predictions came true.  And now we are facing what move to make next.  I am already fighting the school to follow the IEP in place for my son, he has two years left.  I don’t have it in me to fight another 10 years for help for my daughter.  It’s not gotten us anywhere.   So we are seriously considering bringing her home for homeschool again.  Ugh.  So many pros and cons- and neither side has an overwhelming majority.

All through the IEP meeting my whole body was shaking.  I tried to take a drink from my water bottle (which I should fill with vodka next time) and I nearly spilled it all over the table.  I even told the OT I disagree with her.  She’s a useless person.  Little one has an incorrect pencil grip, has trouble forming her letters the “right” way – like she starts her S at the bottom, and she many letter reversals- b and d, p and q sometimes a.  Well the OT said they can’t correct the pencil grip and the formation because it’s now muscle memory and would be too difficult to fix.  As for letter reversals they said they do that in K-1 so they can’t do that, plus in 2nd grade they don’t mark those wrong…. so hubby and I countered with – so we will wait till it’s “a habit and muscle memory that’s too hard to fix” and deal with it when she is failing and getting things wrong.  And basically they said yes.  WTH.  They also don’t want to do an OT eval, because of her non-compliance with tests…. I was like, isn’t that indicative of a problem right there?   She had no answer for that. STUPID.

Normally by now I have gotten Christmas decorations out.  I am dreading it this year.  It all seems like so much work.

I am thankful I am done my Christmas shopping other than what I need to get 2 friends.  Things are getting worse, and at least that’s not hanging over my head.

So yeah… done.

29 minutes…

Twenty-nine minutes until the IEP meeting for little one.  I am a nervous wreck.  This was not the time to take me off my Benzos- holidays where I have to be around people, IEP meetings…. I am just on my way to losing it…. some more than I already have.  I don’t know why I am so scared of this stupid meeting.  I am pretty sure it’s just to discuss why I want the evals I want.  But still….

Alone

Sometimes I feel like I have no one to talk to, except my therapist. I wish I had her on speed dial.

I have friends. I have family. Sometimes I vent to them. But sometimes I feel like “that friend/family member that does nothing but complain”. And sometimes I just can’t talk about what’s bothering me, sometimes there aren’t words, sometimes my feelings are unreasonable and unrealistic and could cause hurt feelings. So I’ve been doing a lot of stuffing and avoiding.

People are noticing I’m isolating myself. People are noticing that I’m missing. And I care that they notice, and then I feel compelled to rectify that, and then I either stay missing or I go and spend the entire time on edge.

I’ve noticed some friends and I have drifted apart. And I want to get that back, but I just don’t have anything to give.

I’ve tried faking it at home, tried plastering on a smile and be Suzy-homemaker but that inevitably leaves me feeling resentful, and I end up just losing my temper because it’s all too much. Too much.

Thanksgiving was a perfect example of this.  We had 8 of us here, and hubby and I cooked- but mostly I cooked.  Something I always used to enjoy but now… not so much.  And I was stressed to the max.  I dropped all the carrots in the sink, a million dish towels, and utensils.  People at the table were “bickering”… goading each other just for the fun of it.  But I plastered a smile on my face, and only got after everyone once, and told them it’s  Thanksgiving,  cut it out, smile and you will have fun.

After dinner was over my inlaws stayed after my mom and step father left.  We were talking and I made a comment about something wiseass, and MIL said “you’re fine now”.  Like one wiseass comment means I feel fine.  She went on to say that because I was able to put on the meal etc that meant I was fine.  Um, hello? Really?  She wasn’t here yesterday (hubby’s 40th birthday) to see the aftermath of the day.  I was grumpy, had a short fuse, and was exhausted. Today I still am. Seriously, I don’t get it.

Princess Glitter Sparkle (a.k.a. my counselor) wants to call Mary Poppins (a.k.a. med management doctor)… I’m not sure why, I hope she tells me when I see her this week.

We have an IEP meeting for little one on Monday.  I had forgotten about it until I looked at the calendar tonight.  and now I have that to stress about.  I know they aren’t going to give her what she needs. I don’t think I mentioned she was diagnosed with ODD.  Did I mention she ran away from school 2x and came home?  She has OT delays, issues with self-regulation, and stutters.  She reverses her letters.  She’s 8.  We need to find out why.  I have asked for evaluations.  But I am sure she’s not going to get them.  I know I sound like a doomsday-er, but I have been here, done that, bought the teeshirt, and the hoodie, and the towel and the socks.  I am not doing this again.  I will take her out and homeschool her again.  I am just so done.

Did I mention that I went back to school?  Online- no way could I do this in the classroom- though this coming semester I have to take 1 class, 1 day a week at the campus and I am flipping out already.  As if I don’t have enough to do, I decided to finish my bachelors degree, I thought maybe having something to do would help- not so much, it has made so much more stress in my life.  But maybe my mom and some other people in my life will stop being so disappointed with the way my life turned out.  Maybe I will “shine”.

I don’t even want to post this… I know some of the people who know me “in real life” read this, and I don’t want them to think I’m talking about them, I don’t want them to feel the need to reach out, I don’t know what I want.