Where have I been?

Well, where HAVE I been? Trudging along; one baby step in front of the next.

I have more on my plate than I can possibly handle and it’s rearing it’s ugly head in my life in ways that increase my symptoms. I fly off the handle, constantly, at those who I love most. I’m tired. My feelings toward myself are the lowest they’ve been in a while.

I lose my patience with everyone- especially my children. And then I hate myself. I try so hard, do so well then become unraveled at bedtime and become a tyrant.

So many days I want to just pack up and leave. I’ve thought a lot about that in the past week. I suck at taking care of people, and it doesn’t seem to be getting better

I just went back and read the last post I wrote, and I’m stuck there. I’m still thinking about “shining” every.single.day. And the closer we get to the anniversary of my “breakdown” the more edgy I get.

There have been some issues with little one at school and I find myself in the middle of a battle with the School AGAIN. And that brings my PTSD screaming back like a maniac which puts me in fight or flight with the very people I’m trying to help.

I’m useless. I say hurtful things. That’s the hardest part. That’s the part that makes me just want to lay in the road and die. I’m just a failure- just like my family believes- they’ve always been right about me- I should just accept it.

Maybe she’s right? Mother knows best?

I can’t let go of the text my mom sent about 6 months ago saying she wasn’t disappointed in ME, but that I don’t have the support I need to SHINE. I keep mulling the word over, trying to figure out what exactly I would need to do to shine, and I just was coming up empty until tonight,

Hubby and I were watching a movie and two people were cliff diving. I made an offhand comment that I would love to do that, that it looks like fun, but in the next breath said I would be too scared. I said “I am too scared to go out in our yard at night” and hubby said “you’re too scared to go out in the daylight”.

The sad thing is, he’s right. And maybe that’s what my mom means. I’m don’t live my life, I’m too scared of everything. I merely get by from day to day, trying not to mess things up too badly. And in all the “getting by”, I never live.

I’m too afraid to fail. I’m too afraid I’ll do something wrong. I’m too afraid germs will make me sick. I’m too afraid of screwing up my kids. Fear runs my life. I can’t plan everything when I leave my bubble so something unpredictable might happen, and that thing might be bad, and bad is… bad.

My brain instantly goes to worst-case scenario, and then all the ways to prevent that. It’s exhausting. So it’s easier to just not live than to risk it all…. and therefore I will never shine.

Well at least I think I have figured that problem out. Can’t have unclosed loops.

Broken…. A Poem

Please, don’t judge, there is really no structure to this poem, but it’s not a story, or a “post”.  But tonight was a really bad night, and I let my pen just scrawl along. 

Broken.

I feel the familiar “whoosh, whoosh, whoosh” of the blood in my ears.

My heart is racing, pulse is 120.

There’s a buzzing in my body.

I’m sweating, everywhere, even my legs.

My brain is going to dark, dark, places.

I want to see the red blood coming out of my arms.

I want to see the raised skin of the scratch.

I want to feel the sting and burn of the cuts.

I want my brain to stop.

FAT, UGLY, HIDEOUS, GROSS.

Bad mom, yeller, ineffective.

Bad wife, “makes” hubby do all the cooking and clean

up from meals, undermines his discipline.

LOSER, CAN’T FINISH ANYTHING, STUPID

Will never change.

Always a victim.

Don’t SHINE, am a disappointment.

Not good enough, NEVER enough.

Undermines my own dreams.

I sit, tears brimming, threatening to spill over.

I sit at my desk all the things I used to use to cut at my disposal.

But I can’t cut, no matter how much I want to, I’m on blood thinners. I don’t want to ruin my kids’ life any more than I already have.

So I push it down, down, down.  The whooshing, shaking, and sweating gets worse. My head pounds too.

How long can I do this? How long will I have to do this?

No one is going to save me, or the little girl inside.  Together we will drown and choke on our labels; the labels of rejection and the labels we give ourselves.  Never truly happy; never truly whole—

Broken.

Raising Teenagers Is NOT for the Faint of Heart

Big one is 15.  He is argumentative, oppositional, irritable and I am sure there are at least 15 more adjectives.  And yes, all of that is “normal” teenage behavior- but add the Autism Spectrum, bipolar disorder, ADHD, anxiety and possible narcissistic personality.  It’s teenager amplified.

Ive been trying to help him get ready for camp.  He was leaving today.  He wanted to bring half his stuff in random Walmart bags.  He has ZERO executive functioning skills, and he refused to let me even make suggestions without getting angry and screaming at me (at the top of his lungs- I feel like he’s 8 again. (our worst year to date)).

We definitely are not getting along lately…. yet I am the one in his corner.  I am the one making the cog wheels move so that he gets the help he needs, with the “least restrictive environment”.

But there are days I look at him, and I wonder what happened to my baby?  I think back to the day I found out I was pregnant with him, after failed clomid, attempts, failed IUI attempts, and 2 in-vitro cycles, how happy I was.  And when he was born, the struggles with his seizures, the struggle with developmental delays, giving him EVERYTHING I had.  Driving him 80 miles 2x a week for OT, finding him every therapy we could get. I think about the year he was 8.  The year he was violent, angry, physically abusive to me.  And I feel like I earned a little bit easier teenage years.  After all, we have his meds right, we have had therapy in place long enough.  I just want peace.  I want to remember these last few years as a teenager fondly, not with sadness, and regret.

My kids mean everything to me. They are my legacy, they are my best accomplishments, they are the best of me.  They SHINE in every way I don’t.  I gave them all my shine.

Maybe this is how all moms feel during the teenage years.  But this is my first time being there, it hurts, and honestly PLEASE don’t tell me it’s all normal, I KNOW that in my head, but it’s my heart that hurts, and that will only get better with time.

A Million Dreams…

Somedays are better than others. The past week or so has been rough.  I’m sad again.  It’s a life of ups and downs. But I don’t really want to get into that today because there is something else on my mind…

Today, my little one was walking around singing the song “A Millions Dreams” from The Greatest Showman movie.  She’s never seen the movie so I had to ask her where she heard it, and she told me our friend’s car.  This friend drove her to and from Vacation Bible School last week.  I smiled.

I love that song. But I love even more that she loves that song. To me, that song epitomizes her. She is a dreamer, a free spirit, just an all around pretty awesome person.

I look forward to seeing her grow, I hope she never stops dreaming.  I want to see her dreams realized in big ways.

There is something about her, when I look at her, I see it.  I see her whole life laid out in front of me.  I just hope she has the courage I never did. But no matter what her dreams are, what they become or who she becomes she will always shine brighter than the sun. Always.

For those who haven’t heard the song: https://youtu.be/-rxgAh1bnHU

 

I’m a Coward

I’m currently hiding in my bedroom with my dogs… I left my brewing tea downstairs… my son has a friend from school over. Someone I’ve never met. I’m so not cool with it.

Hubby is irritated with me because I’m “hiding”… but I see it as a form of self preservation. My OCD is at an all time high today. During church I had to use a antibacterial wipe on my shirt because the kid behind me touched my shirt. I had to shower because we went to church. I have changed 3 times since coming home because of different contaminants.

It seems like lately I have been in hand washing loops as I call them. I’ll wash my hands, get 5 paper towels, dry my hands shut off the water with said towels, open the door with the towels, shut off the light with the towels, throw the towels away- then have to start over and over again. Sometimes it happens right during DBT. There’s a sink in the room and I will just wash over and over and over.

I hate getting stuck in these loops. It’s irritating to my rational brain, and it makes me feel like a lunatic.

So yeah. I’m hiding in my bedroom. I can’t meet anyone new today.

I want what she has…

My daughter went into first grade in public school this year. I have homeschooled for the past five years. She did first grade at home last year but I just couldn’t teach her to read, or write her letters and numbers.

As it turned out she had an issue with her eyes that needed therapy weekly. She entered first grade without ANY sight words. She struggled writing letters correctly (she still does but it’s so much better). In January with interventions she made it to level 4/5. When they leave first grade they want them to be level 16-20. It was pretty clear my daughter would need summer school. Each week she inched along. About a month or so ago she was at a level 12. Which is AMAZING progress, but they were still recommending summer school.

I got an email from her teacher the other day, her final assessment put her at a level 16, 98% fluency and instructional level comprehension.

I could learn a lot from this soon to be 8 year old. She went from the bottom of the ladder in reading, so to speak, and with hard work and determination she got herself to the top.

She is one of the kindest friendliest child in the first grade. She helps her classmates with the subjects she’s strong in. She’s something special that’s for sure.

And she doesn’t give up. She’s strong. She must have a belief in herself to go from where she was to where she is.

I would be remiss to not also recognize the teacher and reading recovery teacher she had. They were AMAZING and both will be missed terribly. But without an inner drive, an inner strength, even with all the help in the world she wouldn’t have gone as far as she did. No one, not me, not her father, not her teachers expected her to catch up to the other students in a school year. She had eye issues, she was basically starting from scratch. But she surprised us all.

I want to be her when I grow up. I want to be the person who can be last in the race, keep on trucking and finish with everyone else.

She is my hero.