Counseling (PollyAnna) Frustrates me…

So today was PollyAnna day.  It had already been a crappy day we found out that Big One needs glasses and he was NOT happy.  Then both kids had med management appointments, they tweaked both kids’ meds- big one is getting something that will help with his high anxiety, and little one is getting a long acting version of a med she’s already taking so that we ALL can have some sleep since little one comes in our bed every night at 2am.

After their med appointments I met with PollyAnna, she is a typical counselor who answers a question with a question and never spoon feeds you ANYTHING. This week we talked a lot about 1. avoidance….. how I was even avoiding her questions to the point that I didn’t remember the question.  2. Why I feel like everyone’ s happiness, success, sadness and failures fall on my head, that I don’t have that kind of control and 3. change.  Do I really WANT to change and what am I willing to do to change.

Im supposed to think about that this week.

  1. Do I want to/am I ready to change?
  2. What am I willing to do to change?

I asked her change what? What part? There’s much to change… and she said “how can I tell you what to change first?” Im like you are NO HELP.

And then what am I willing to do? I have no idea how to change, Ive been this way my whole life and so how would I know how to change. If I knew how to change I would have done that already.  How am I supposed to answer these questions if I don’t even know where to begin. So confusing. So hard.

Mundane life….

Lately it seems like every day is like the one before.  The new med the endocrinologist put me on makes me sick, I either nauseous or have gastro issues.  I can’t even remember what happened the past couple days. Well, with the exception on yesterday.

Right now we are in school prep mode, so I am trying to gather all our curriculum and clean the school room, that became a junk room over the past year because we schooled at the table, but hubby wants to separate the kids- probably a good idea. I don’t have much energy to get it done.  The old me would have had it done weeks ago, and school planned till Christmas. I will probably end up doing all my planning last minute.

Yesterday, I was scheduled to go see my mother, sister, brother-in-law, nephew and step-dad. I was going to wear the snarkiest shirt I have “Im real good at making bad decisions”, but after I did my quiet time and read my Bible, the Holy Spirit prompted me with an article on how to make WISE decisions and one of them was “does it glorify God?” So, I unpacked my snarky shirt and wore a plain purple one.   I went with the intention of not discussing the email, and to go with a spirit that Jesus would have, of love, forgiveness and reconciliation.  And as always God’s way was the best way.  The BBQ went fine, the kids had fun, the email was not brought up and life moved on.  That’s not to say I didn’t want to point out how different my kids were this year since last year, but I resisted the urge.  It wasn’t easy.  But I made it through the day.

Tomorrow, I get to go see Dr Handsome for my 9 week follow up on my hip surgery. A very long drive which I am having anxiety about. But I have to go, and little one has OT so hubby has to take her to that.  Im not really sure what he will do at this appointment, or what he tell me I am allowed to do.  I am pretty certain that my other hip has the same issue but, it also could have to do with the fact that I have overcompensated the other hip.  So I will probably wait a while to make sure it’s not just that.

My anxiety has been somewhat high lately, and I haven’t been as diligent at taking my valium and I have been getting chest pains, pains that wrap around my whole body and hurt into my back. I need to be better at taking them, because obviously missing them is really affecting me.

I got groceries alone, and I am really thinking I need to disappear…

Hubby and I made a deal, if I did the grocery shopping he would wash all the eggs we had waiting to be washed. I agreed to the deal and then remembered he would have washed them all anyway. CRAP! But no takebacks. So off I went to Walmart.  As usual I put my reusable bags in the bottom of the cart whenI walked in so when my cart was overfowing (literally – we try to shop a month at time for things other than perishables)….So I had to dig through the cart to get those out. Fun times.  And I hate the way people look at me when my cart is overflowing. Take a picture it’ll last longer…. they probably do and I am on the people of Walmart site somewhere.  Once I finished Walmart I went to the local grocery store for meat. We don’t buy our meat at Walmart.

So I get home and one child ignores me and the other hollers at me.  I said maybe it would be better if I were gone.  And I wasn’t kidding.  I am so tired of being disrespected, not listened to, and ignored. I want to run away.  Part of me wants to go empty all our accounts and take off.  You know, I would settle for a full night, and full day alone in a motel with no one talking to me, no one bothering me, no one ignoring me. But that’ll never happen. So my next wish is to be sick or hurt enough to go to the hospital for a day or three.  Have meals brought to me, lay in bed and sleep as much as I want without people poking me awake.

Mary Poppins asked me about self harm the other day.  I told her I have been thinking about it a lot, especially since I can’t turn to junk food anymore if I am going to follow what the endocrinologist wants…. and I don’t want to end up like dad. But I told her I would be having my other hand done soon so I have to wait.  She joked that she was going to keep me scheduled in surgeries indefinitely …. I got plenty she could schedule- weight loss, skin removal, breast reduction, tonsillectomy, fix my other hip, lobotomy…ok that last one was a joke.

Im tired. And it’s not lack of sleep tired. I’m worn.  And I have to spend tomorrow with my mom and step dad. It’ll be the first time I have seen him since “the text”. My husband wants to punch him out… Thankfully I know he has more self control…. I hope.

 

The Day the OT Broke my heart….

So little one had OT today.  Little One wanted me to come in but I really want her to gain some confidence in that area so I told her I would be in in a while but never came in.

At the end of the session little one likes “talk time”, and her OT today told me she thought it would be a good idea that little one get a therapist or a counselor; because her “worries” are bigger than they should be for a girl her age. She worries about the fact that she wants to marry the boy that lives next door but she’s not allowed to play with him (we aren’t thrilled with their family but we allow them to play- it’s their family who have an issue), she also said “mommy hasn’t reached all her dreams”.  That broke my heart. Why should she worry about me. She’s almost 7, she needs to worry about what she’s going to play with next.  She is so my mini-me. Worry, worry, worry.

So on the way home I called where big one goes to counseling, and got the ball rolling for a therapist. I hope it doesn’t take long. My poor baby.

Sick little one…..

For those of you with OCD you are either going to understand this, or the majority of you will read this and think I am a monster.

My youngest, my princess is sick. I have been saying for 2 days it’s strep but daddy wasn’t so convinced.  It being Friday I brought her in because I didn’t want to end up in the ER this weekend, and low and behold it’s strep. Mother’s intuition, there’s nothing like it.

Anyway I am walking a very fine line here. I really struggle when someone in my household is sick.  I feel compassion, but I have a very hard time caring for them because I am unhealthily afraid of their germs.  It’s almost as if I can see the germs passing around in the air, on my stuff. It’s like I want to pack a suitcase and run away until the illness has passed.  It’s been such a hard line. I want to pick her up and cuddle her 6 year old self, but my brain has a red alert sound going off.  It’s literally like fight or flight mode. I am wiping things down with Clorox wipes, I am washing my hands constantly, she brought me 3 blueberries yesterday and I washed them with antibacterial hand wipes before I would eat them. Yes, it has progressed that far. I won’t let her near my phone, I won’t touch her iPad.

In the end I will probably still end up getting strep, and I will survive it, and life will go on, no one will go up in smoke.  But I am literally shaking afraid of these germs floating in our air, waiting to jump on me from furniture, door knobs, sink handles. I wish I wasn’t like this. I wish I could just let her climb in bed with me, but I can’t. I can’t touch the remote until it’s been sanitized, I picked up her toys and immediately scrubbed my hands. I lost count how many times I have washed my hands today. This is a terrible way to live. But I don’t know any other way.  And really, it’s strep- not that big of a deal but my  brain works like this ebola is the same as strep is the same as the common cold. Literally. My brain is so broken.

Lest you all think I am a monster- I did tuck her in, cover her up, say our prayers, sing out special song, kiss her on the CHEEK and tell her I love her more than life itself- our nightly routine-altered only by the usual kiss on the nose and forehead….. but man I felt like I needed another shower. OCD I HATE YOU!

What to do…. and sometimes Submission is hard…

Submission in a marriage gets a bad rap.  It’s not what mainstream media would have you believe.  The woman is not a slave, she is not silent, she is not subservient.  The man is the head of the household, but they are partners.  But sometimes things can’t be agreed upon and unless it’s against the law, or a sin the woman is supposed to defer to the man- and let me tell you since becoming a Christian that’s one of my favorite parts.  I always had to make the tough calls, but now that hubby is saved he is the head of the household as well as the spiritual leader of our home. I can hand that hat to him. If you want to know more about what marital submission REALLY is, don’t read mainstream media, go to the source, check out Christian resources.  Men and women are equal partners, with different roles. Men and women are different for a reason.

Anyway all that to say, tomorrow is going to be a very long day for me. I have to drop big one at Church 35 minutes away by 8am, and at 11am not far away I see PollyAnna.  It doesn’t make sense to go home so I figured I would go to a coffee shop and read, or blog, or catch up on blogs, but hubby- STRONGLY suggested I contact a friend and visit for a while. I put it off until almost 10pm tonight, but I finally submitted and texted her. No response yet.  I won’t cry if she’s not available 😉

I also get to see the endocrinologist tomorrow. I am nervous and happy at the same time. I know we need to talk about the thyroid, but I also want to talk about my insulin resistance which is what she used to treat me for. I don’t want to end up like my dad in 18 years.

Today was a LONG day. I had PT, then went to Walmart for some necessities.  When I got home little one was too sick to go to the birthday party we had been invited to, so I went. It took some courage on my part to go and socialize AND be outside but I made it, and I enjoyed seeing my friends that I haven’t seen in a while. I am proud of myself.

My mom still hasn’t responded to my email and it’s making me extremely anxious, I want to know what she has to say good or bad.

I guess that’s about all for today. I am sure I will blog tomorrow. Wish me luck for my very long day ahead.

*update- friend texted back going to her house after I drop big one off**

Things were brighter for a couple days…

This Friday, Saturday and Sunday weren’t too bad.  Emotionally speaking I was somewhat stable- though I did nap on both Saturday and Sunday. But today, Monday, it’s back to real-life, which means back to real feelings.  I don’t even really get the difference- except that we had school today.  So maybe it’s getting back into the routine of homeschooling that’s making things so rough.  But little one hit a wall at noon time with Daddy, and Big One is having his fit now.  I am in my room on a very important call and I can hear him screaming through the floor. Anyone who thinks that homeschooling is easy – immediately let that thought out of your head.  But they aren’t even arguing about work- they are arguing about his 20 minute activity with his sister.  It’s a 20 minute span of time where she gets to choose a (from a prior approved and discussed list so that he doesn’t have to play dolls, or dress-up), where she is in control of the activity and gets to make the choices.  This is to 1. give them some time together- supervised because she always wants to play with her big brother and 2. for him to have to learn to play how other people want to play and not always direct the activity/environment. He HATES this.  I am actually glad I am on the phone in my room doing an over the phone meeting, rather than deal with his screaming. Raising children with disabilities is hard. Raising kids period is HARD. So when PollyAnna asks me this week why I wanted to nap I am going to have to be honest and say so that I didn’t have to parent. Yes, that sounds terrible. But it’s true. Somedays I just can’t handle life, and I really can’t handle the hard, so once school is done, I clock out.  And I rest.  Homeschooling is worth it, and its especially evident by seeing that little one hits a wall at noon.  And Big One can’t stay on task for more than 5- MAYBE 10 minutes.

And it might sound awful but I am glad hubby is out of work.  It takes some of the pressure off of me.  We can share the homeschooling.

Big One’s worker told me today that she isn’t going to be able to fulfill all her hours this fall. He’s supposed to get 20 hours a week, she will be able to do 15 max.  I had to make the tough choice- do we find a worker that can do 20 hours, or keep her at 15 and hope that next semester she can do the 20? It’s also in the back of my head that she’s going to get overwhelmed with her schedule and not be able to do that either. We will have to see what happens.  I trust that God has a plan in all of this.

Well, off the important phone meeting now I head down and have a meeting with big one, big one’s worker, the scheduling supervisor and the field supervisor.  Wheee fun. And tomorrow it’s another trip to the big city, this time for fun, but still another 2 hours each way in the car…….