Nothing has changed in 23 years. Back then I was the disruption to my husband’s family. I was the one ruining it. I was told time and time again. At one point fairly early into our relationship, sometime after we were engaged but nowhere near our wedding, I tried to end it. If I was ruining his life I wanted to fix it… In the parking lot of a grocery store, I tried to end things and give him back the ring. I’ve never seen him more sad, and more hurt. He made me promise to never do that again. He assured me I wasn’t ruining their family.
If you looked at highlight reels from 1995 to 2018 you would see all the times I was a disruption, not good enough, not good enough wife, not good enough hostess, not a good enough mother to stop autism, ADHD, anxiety, bipolar in my kids…. the list goes on. But tonight my husband was told “mental illness is a ‘disruption'” specifically my mental illness. And I should be better now.
What? Like it’s that easy? I snap my fingers and I’m cured! But I don’t, so I must like being like this. Like not wanting to ever leave the house, like sleeping all day, like being stuck in OCD loops and feeling out of control. I must like being so sick of germs I’m afraid to hug my kids, or let them sit with me in my chair. Yes I enjoy it all… could you all feel the sarcasm dripping there?
It’s always been about this person, it will always be about this person and I will never measure up. This person has always known just where to sucker punch me.
Ha e you ever noticed when you are having a rough day/week that it seems like more and more and more crap piles on top making it and even worse week?
Tonight it was an argument with hubby about the fact I felt we are egging too much (what?). And an article on Facebook talking about how when our kids are infants and toddlers we think we will never be this tired again…. and then they become teenagers and the physical exhaustion we felt as moms of young kids is nothing compared to the mental exhaustion of having preteens and teenagers.
I have already been feeling the tug of Father Time on my family. The days of snuggles, and making them giggle with a silly face, them falling asleep in my arms, being their whole world, knowing everything (in their eyes)….all of it vanishes too soon.
Time is not fair. Our babies are little for such a short period of time- but the cruelest part? We don’t realize how short until one day they aren’t little anymore. And there’s no redo button. That time is gone in the blink of an eye. Soon they are sullen, eye rolling teenagers and school-aged no longer need you as much children.
This is just reason number 1000000000000 that I’ve cried today. I hate weeks like this- it’s like your brain searches for reasons to torture you….
Despite my best efforts to keep up with the blogs I follow, I haven’t been very good at it. There are days I am barely good at getting out of bed. Please forgive me, and know I am reading as often as I can, and you are all in my thoughts and prayers.
I don’t know if I ever explained why I used the title I did for my blog.
I come from a community of people who are constantly telling me to smile. And well meaning people who tell me to “think positive”.
So, for the most part I hide my feelings inside. I pretend everything is ok, even when my arms are cut up, or I have spent the morning crying. It also refers to my signature move- stuff and avoid.
There is so much junk hiding in me, so many scars, and fresh wounds inside it would probably scare people away…. so those are “the things I hide inside”.
Even now, I have backslid in terms of depression, but I am keeping it hidden inside. No one knows I am constantly on the verge of tears, I am irritable and have a low tolerance for everything….
Princess Glitter Sparkle, much like PollyAnna assigns homework. I told her this week that inside her isn’t blood it’s glitter. She’s just -glitter. There’s no way else to describe it. She’s glitter in people form.
So she asked me to draw what I want to look like inside- and this was the result..
I get it. I know that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. I know the grass is greener where you water it. I know all the platitudes. But for today, I am going to let this emotion define the moment. Envy is real. Envy is a negative emotion, I get that. But I can’t lie and say I don’t have envy in me.
Several people close to me are planning trips to see Mickey Mouse, others building their dream house, others the craft room of their dreams, still other making PRs in 5Ks, Half Marathons or Marathons. Yes I know people show their highlight real. Yes, I know that God has a purpose for my life, and I am right where I am supposed to be. But sometimes you just have to acknowledge that your life sucks right now. That you don’t have your crap together and you are 40. That you can’t do the things you want to do. That you are stuck. I feel trapped. I feel like things will never get better. Like I am on a street and no matter which way I turn, no matter what street I go down, I get no where.
I am preoccupied with the thought that at 40 years old I am no where near where I thought I would be. And the rest of me is preoccupied with my kids growing up. We are talking driver’s ed, college, with big one, and little one turns 8 soon. Eight is a big kid. It won’t be long before she is tired of toys and dolls. Everytime I think about the passage of time I am reminded of a line from Star Trek Generations: “Someone once told me that time is predator that stalks you all your life”. I agree. I wish there were a way to freeze time now and then. It would make the unbearable days more bearable.
Im really struggling this week. I probably should’t have written that all out. But my heart hurts, physically hurts in my chest. I feel broken.
The title is a line spoken in a prime-time FOX show called Lucifer. Im not going to get into the details of the show, if you are interested, google it. It really is a good show. However, Lucifer- the devil, has this power where he can look someone in the eye ask them that question and he will find out the true desires of their heart.
I need a little of that. I was thinking while I was on a walk yesterday…. I’m unhappy. I am not content. I am sad/angry/anxious/depressed; BUT what would it take for me to change those feelings? What is it that I want? What will make me happy, or at the very least “content”?
I feel as though my some of my circumstances are out of my control- our precarious financial situation for one. The daily stress of one kid on the autism spectrum (albeit high functioning) , ADHD, with bipolar, anxiety and sensory processing disorder, and the other ADHD, anxiety and quite possibly ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder). I can’t change that. I can’t change that my husband is sick and can’t work, which leads to the financial insecurity; a vicious circle. There are so many other factors in my life that I feel like are obstacles to happiness/contentment. But then- is there a way to be happy/content with the current situation? Im doubtful – how can you be content when you’re insecure about the future because of finances, because of your own mental illness, because of your husband’s illness?
So I ask again- what is it I truly desire?
Answer: I have no earthly idea.