I need to vent….

If you don’t like what I put on my Amazon wishlist, if you don’t like the things that I WANT, then don’t buy off of it. Don’t complain about it, don’t get upset, just buy me the clothes you are going to buy me anyway.  Or better yet- just don’t buy me anything at all- I don’t care. I am sick of spending holidays with you anyway.  I am sick of the belittling comments, the things you say under your breath, the way you degrade me, and the way you judge me, my parenting, my decisions.  I wish I had the ability to tell you that you aren’t welcome in my home this year. I need a break from you and your bad attitude.


The Grinch Who Stole Thanksgiving.

That’s how I feel.  I decided I couldn’t handle a big Thanksgiving this year, it was just too much – the cooking, the dishes, the family, the stress, did I mention the cooking?   Well my 7 year old daughter is devastated.  She thinks it’s not thanksgiving if we don’t stay home and mama cooks.  I feel guilty, I feel like I should just suck it up and do Thanksgiving.  I feel like I am ruining the day for everyone else because of my inability to cope with life. I never thought I would say this, but I miss PollyAnna, I need someone to talk to.  I am so lonely.  I am tired of laying all my crap on hubby, and I just don’t feel like I need to burden my friends with my continuous stream of consciousness of self-loathing, self hatred and all the other random things I worry about and think about.  But I feel so beat down right now.

I went out with 2 of my friends on Friday to see Bad Mom’s Christmas- first of all WOAH I didn’t expect some of that content, and had to go home and pray after that 😉 But we had a good time, except about 6 times during the movie I quietly let tears run down my cheeks.  For all different reasons…. relationships with their own mothers vs mine.  That they could be so happy.  I don’t remember the last time I was truly HAPPY.  That’s not true.  It was October 2014.  It’s gone down hill since then, getting worse day by day.

I pray, constantly, unceasingly like we are called to. I ask God to take this from me. To make me ME again. To as Jesus said “let this cup pass from me”. I do my quiet time every morning. I just feel like I should be able to “pray it away”. After all miracles happen all the time.  But it seems that no amount of praying is going to take this from me.  I am not me.  I am not the mother and wife I want to be. I am not the person I want to be. I want to be able to give my daughter the Thanksgiving she wants. I feel so selfish doing this. I can’t stop the running commentary of guilt in my head, the horrible things I am thinking about myself.  That I can’t give her this.

Then tonight, she told me for the first time (of many) I am sure, that I am ruining her life. I know I shouldn’t have let it bother me, or taken it so personally, but that cut me to the quick.  Because of everyone in the world her approval and love is what I strive for- probably because it would be the closest thing to me loving me that I will ever experience.  I tried to leave the house and run away.  I That was just what my mom would have done.  But I had to come in and change because I was in my inside clothes and she begged me not to leave – the same thing I used to do to my mom.  I immediately put myself in her place and hated myself. She was crying and saying she was sorry.  I told her I accepted her apology, but I think this will be a scar we both carry forever, I know I will. I will never forget the look in her eyes- pleading, with big tears, just the same as I used to have. I can’t believe I tried to do that to her. I hate myself so much.  Sometimes I feel like a waste of space on earth.  I know it sounds dramatic, but I am just so broken. I don’t know what my purpose is, I am a crap mother and wife right now.

There’s really nothing else left to say.

He isn’t all bad OR how positive words can come back to haunt me later…

I have said A LOT of negative things about my father, but, he always always approved of our homeschooling.  He was the only one in our family that did. Over the phone he would often tell me how good I was doing with the kids, and how I was giving them so much more than any school public or private could.

And part of me feels like I am disappointing him- but yet again, by throwing in the towel on homeschooling (at least for now)

But maybe I can look at it that I AM giving them more, because right now I CAN’T offer them more.

I don’t know, maybe I am doing this for me.  Maybe this is selfish and I am doing it to make my life easier.  To give me a break, and some time away.

But maybe that time away will be better for them.  I don’t know.  I am just going around and around in circles wth my thinking.  And I can’t stop thinking about it. Nothing takes my mind off of it. I am just at a loss.

Homeschooling mom has been my title for 5 years. What am I when both kids are in school? And because of my depression I just sit around all day?

I am just so confused and sad.

My life…. where dreams go to die….

I started homeschooling big one at the end of 1st grade, I was 5 or 6months pregnant with little one, and everyone convinced me that I wouldn’t be able to homeschool big one with an infant.  So I put him in school for two years and it was utter and total pure hell. The district we lived in at the time was horrific, and known for their inability to handle special needs children.

So by 4th grade I was homeschooling – we had gone to mediation with the school district and filed a formal complaint.   They were found guilty of 7 different violations of his IEP..  I pulled him out and we homeschooled.  It was NEVER easy, he has always fought me, tried to cut corners, tried to get out of doing work.  It’s been a fight since day 1.

With little one I planned to homeschool her the entire school experience.  She proved difficult in her own ways, wanting to play instead of do school, having low attention span. And then we found out about her eye convergence issues, her ADHD and anxiety.  But still we were ready to soldier on.

Even though Im emotionally tapped out. Even though hubby is physically and emotionally tapped out.  But big one has really upped the ante this year he’s pushing every button, he’s taking every chance to exploit my shortcomings and my emotional instability.  He skips assignments saying they are done, he downright refuses to do them. He screams at me, its like living with a mini version of my father.

So we are looking into options.  Little one is gong ho.  She wants to go to school.  Selfishly, I want her here, at home.  I want to teach her, but homeschooling is ruining our relationship.  So next week we will go tour the school I hope and see what it’s like.

The following week we have a meeting with the special services director to tour the high school, to look at their day treatment program even though it’s full. We have also put ourselves on the waiting list for the virtual charter academies that our state offers. We will see what pans out.

So not only do I not want my kids to leave me, even big one despite his abuse… The other issue if I have made a tribe.  I had a tribe of homeschooling moms. That made it a little better I wasn’t alone, I could bounce ideas off them, and now, I am defecting. Are they going to abandon me? Will I lose all my friends?  Most of my friends are severely anti-public school. I feel like I will lose the few friends I have.

It seems like every time I have a dream for my life, or my kids the dream their comes and snatches it away.

The one POSITIVE thing about them going to school is if I end up doing the ECT (electroshock therapy) little one will be in a school with a teacher instead of riding in a car not getting an education.


***disclaimer- still none of it makes me feel better****

I Wish….

I went after myself with the safety pin again tonight, the one I cleverly keep hidden so no one will find it. But you know what I really wish, is that instead of my husband getting angry that I hurt myself again – maybe angry is not the right word frustrated I wish he would see each mark for what it is- a pain, a hurt, a word I say in anger, a punishment for things I do wrong. I wish he could look at them and see my pain – the pain I have no words for.

I want another coping mechanism but no one has helped with that so far- an elastic on the wrist is hardly scratches and cuts.

For those of you curious – my children NEVER see my cuts.  I hide them well. And they won’t ever see them.

The words spell out “Just Like Him” meaning my dad.  I feel like my kids feel they aren’t good enough for me that I somehow think that they should be better – smarter, better listeners, better behaved…. I don’t know it’s probably projection but it’s how I feel it’s a pain, it’s hurt, it’s a scar.

I guess it’s a good thing I see PollyAnna and Mary Poppins tomorrow- we have a lot to talk about.

Bad Mom???

Here I am sitting in the car my daughter soccer game/practice. I know that I should get a lawn chair out and go sit and watch her play but I want to just sit in the car maybe read, or listen to an audiobook or maybe even scratch. I’ve been feeling the urge all day,  trying to decide if I want to or not. I think it’s crazy that I can control whether I do it or not It’s not an in voluntary thing I make the decision and I do it.  

Who Would consciously decide to hurt themselves what kind of person what’s wrong with them in their head why does the pain matter it’s not like the pain you feel of the depression or the anxiety or the OCD with the PTSD or what other acronym you want to use it goes away… And then there is the fact that I don’t know if I’m sinning.  That’s a lie, I know I’m sending I am defacing God’s temple because God said our bodies are a temple. But I don’t stop . The scrapes and scratches and scabs from the last time ate going away and I think that’s part of why I want to do it again because I need them there to remind me of the pain somehow I don’t I don’t even know.

I haven’t talk to my dad and days we didn’t leave things in a very good note I don’t know if I should call him or not I did hear through the grapevine that he still in the hospital and has not been released to the Long-term care facility, I don’t know if that’s his doing or if there is or if he’s too sick. I just don’t know if I should call him I get a pit in my stomach every time I think about calling him, but part of me thinks it’s the right thing to do. But he Always messes with my mental health, so the survival instinct in me doesn’t want me to call… Stay tuned for when I decide to do. 

I’m happy news my blog now has 100 followers.  100 People read a blog that I wrote and decided to follow me. That makes me feel good.

Super Woman

A comment was made on my blog that I should stop trying to be Super Woman and be human.  That person is so right- but easier said than done.  I have always been a people pleaser, and that includes my children so I do everything I can to keep them happy- even if it means overindulging them from time to time (fine line so they aren’t spoiled).  With my family- I go to every function I’m expected to even if it means I have to rearrange my day. I am also a perfectionist and a worrier. 

Perfectionism and worrier DO NOT go well with homeschooling.   There is the constant wonder if you’ve chosen the right curriculum if you’re doing the right things if you’re teaching them with they need to know if you’re doing it the right way if there is a right way if they should even be homeschooled with they get more out of public school but then if they went to public school with their issues they be labeled behavior problems or be in special ed and I saw how that went with my son I still have PTSD from it and what will they come in contact with that schools for his germs and that would really trigger my OCD and what will they come in contact with regards to bullying? That was a huge run-on sentence my grammar teacher would slap my hand but I’m using speech to text because I’m having some difficulty with my right hand being sore from surgery.

I constantly second-guess myself with every decision I make and sometimes I’m so paralyzed I can’t make a decision and those are the days of the retreat and my home and sleep which is setting a poor example for my children which is another reason for them not to be here insert Long sigh here. 

My father is mostly to blame for all this he expected perfection and when he got anything less there were consequences. And now I haven’t talk to him for at least for five days so I heard from the grapevine he still in the hospital and I should call him but now I’m scared that he’s going to Yellit me for not calling him. Scared. Me, and almost 40-year-old woman afraid of 110 pound man that’s dying. How does he still have such a hold on me even all these years later.

I’m really having a day where I having an urge to scratch usually it’s brought on by an event or an argument or something like that but today I just want to scratch and scratch and scratch and scratch I don’t know if I’ll make it through the day and not scratching or not but it’s how I feel I guess that’s it for today. 

 until next time