Hubby and I were talking about my double brain and I told him that my anxiety used to try to organize it all… and ow because anxiety is muted when it tries to organize OCD yells at anxiety because it’s not organized enough, and this doesn’t go next to that. And then the depression says it’s too much work just leave it- let it be and embrace the chaos and go to sleep. And PTSD is always on watch that OCD not touch certain things even to organize them because that’ll burn. It’s a mess in my head!!!
Whew what a session today. She called me out on every time I avoided, or tried to change the subject.
Today we talked about mom’s non response- which she has responded now. I am still processing the response but it’s better than I expected.
I don’t remember all the stuff we talked about, I was on screech today, jumping from topic to topic until we got to the topic of my brain, and how I feel like it’s separated into two parts. One side is orderly. It’s where I keep this filing cabinet of information, facts, dates, numbers, things I can pull out of a hat to impress people with my knowledge and my intelligence. I need validation and praise. I thrive on it, it’s like a drug.
The other half of my brain is chaos it’s where everything else is. That’s where everything else is. The negative feelings, negative self talk, sadness abuse, avoidance, feeling not good enough etc etc.
And I’m standing between A double yellow line trying to walk in both parts of my brain. My sister calls that ambivalence I call it exhaustion…
I don’t know what I would look like without chaos in my brain, and I worry that I would look like a super Duper control freak if I I only had order, my sister wants to know why order has to equal control and that’s a question I can’t answer. How can it not equal control because in order to have order someone has to set up that order.
Pollyanna asked if I’m ready to live without The chaos and to be honest with you I don’t know.
I have been thinking a lot about fathers. Both father figures in my life have done nothing but disappoint me, and misuse me, in one way or another. It makes me feel very insecure about relationships, especially with men, even my poor husband- and we have been together for 22 years. I have issues with men in general, doctors, men in authority positions, I am very uncomfortable around them.
But it also affects my relationship with my Heavenly Father. It’s hard to imagine that there is a Father that loves me, no matter what I do, say, look like; no matter what mistakes I make. I work hard to follow that little voice inside of the Holy Spirit so that I can always be in His will.
But I have been thinking about the text from last weekend, and maybe God is 1. Reminding me that no earthly father will ever compare to Him, and that I need to put more trust into Him, and to spend more time with Him. So I have restarted my Quiet Time first thing in the morning.
I have also been thinking that maybe God is pointing me back to unresolved issues with my biological father. That while my step father is a father figure, I need to learn to forgive better, and learn how to have a relationship with my biological father, even though we have had the tumultuous relationship we have had, despite the fact that he continues to misuse me- maybe it’s through that relationship that I will find my voice.
I don’t know. These are all thoughts that are just jumbled in my brain right now, and I am going to work through this texting debacle with PollyAnna on Thursday. I did talk to Mary Poppins about it yesterday and she assured me, that first there is not one grain of truth in the text. That it was way over the top, crossed so many lines and was lies though she doesn’t believe they were malicious intent simply ignorant and coming from the mind of someone who spends 24/7 on marijuana. She is not a Dr against pot, but she also doesn’t feel it’s a 1 size fits all the way this person does.
Anyway, I obviously still have a lot to process, and to work through. And I still need to decide if I am going to 1. reply to him and 2. tell my mom.
Not too long after my father told me that he was done with me, that he wouldn’t talk to me anymore, after he rejected me once again, he started calling again.
He’s been calling several times day, and surprisingly been pretty pleasant which usually leads up to unpleasantness…. but here’s what really bothers me about this story…
He has NOT called my sister. He won’t. But he calls me because he knows I am so desperate to be loved I will take whatever anyone will give me, any scrap, no matter how unhealthy or not good for me. He knows, no matter what horror he has done I will take him back with open arms.
I am so pathetic.
And now, every time my text message dings I get a sick feeling in my stomach, worried it’s that family member again with more to say. He has now added to my PTSD. Thanks so much.
I am addicted to wish.com. The items are cheap, some of them cheaply made, ok many of them cheaply made, but I don’t care, it helps my shopping compulsion and I have gotten some really cute stuff. My favorite so far is this shirt….
It reminds me that no matter how much I fail every day, how crappy I feel, no matter how bad my anxiety and depression is, Jesus loves me. Jesus loves ME. And since it is a triune relationship Jesus= God It’s so hard for me to remember that, that no matter how much I am of a hot mess, He still loves me. The relationship I have with my earthly father is all mixed up with my Heavenly Father. Im not good enough for my earthly father, I have been abandoned, abused, mistreated, and unloved at times by my father. So it’s hard to believe that there is a father out there that loves me unconditionally- no matter how much of a hot mess I am.
Today I haven’t had too bad of a day, but I have done absolutely nothing. I got up close to 10am, ate breakfast and slept till 2 when my sister called to talk more about my dad and his poor choices. I haven’t heard from him today, which worries me a little, but at the same time makes me feel a little freer. I am trying not to worry, and remember until he is deemed incompetent (which should have happened months ago) he is allowed to do whatever he wants and make whatever (poor) decisions he wants. We have made multiple reports to adult protective services, as have visiting nurses, and doctor’s. There’s no more we can do. It’s in God’s hand’s now. I can only hope God intervenes in time- the thought of him dying lying dead on the floor of a hotel room is sad. And he’s told me when he leaves this hotel he won’t tell me where he’s going so I can’t get him help, so he doesn’t want my help. So at least I know I can’t do anything. I don’t know why it matters so much to me, he’s not been nice to me, especially the past couple days. He’s been yelling at me, he has been treating me terribly. But I will continue to “honor my father” without allowing him to abuse me.
My brain doesn’t seem to be working well tonight so I guess that’s all-
Until next time….
blessed cursed with something known as Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). Among the symptoms are-
My hip has been sore most of the day today, of course I did a few things that were not probably the best decision-I switched over the laundry and I accidentally bent over a couple times. It’s hard to remember not to do things that you’ve done since you were probably a toddler.
But I’m also working really hard to recover without pushing myself too hard but maybe I am pushing myself too hard. I feel like there’s no visible change in my mental health status so I want to see progress in some area of my life.
I’m really not sure going off the Latuda was a good thing or not. I don’t have that overwhelming exhaustion in the morning which is a good thing but I don’t feel any better then again I don’t feel any worse. I find it hard to believe that my Thyroid could be the culprit of all of this I think maybe it’s a piece but I know that my thyroid didn’t cause my PTSD or my OCD or my anxiety those have been hanging around following me like a shadow my entire life the depression comes and goes although it seems to set up camp almost permanently lately.
We’re going to miss church tomorrow I think I’m going to listen to one of the CDs of the previous weeks that I’ve missed because I really feel like I need a recharge of my soul that I’m not getting elsewhere because you can’t get it elsewhere. The TVs been on a lot so I haven’t heard a lot of worship music though I have been praying a lot, for a friend who has a prodigal daughter I can’t imagine the pain she’s feeling she wants her daughter back so much.
Well I took two Percocet about 45 minutes ago they’re going to kick in real soon so I better go.
Until next time…