So done.

Do you have those days/weeks/months/years when you feel like you are just done.  Done with adulting, with fighting for every thing, with trying to get through the day?  That’s where I am today.  Sick and tired of it all.

The IEP meeting went horribly.  All my predictions came true.  And now we are facing what move to make next.  I am already fighting the school to follow the IEP in place for my son, he has two years left.  I don’t have it in me to fight another 10 years for help for my daughter.  It’s not gotten us anywhere.   So we are seriously considering bringing her home for homeschool again.  Ugh.  So many pros and cons- and neither side has an overwhelming majority.

All through the IEP meeting my whole body was shaking.  I tried to take a drink from my water bottle (which I should fill with vodka next time) and I nearly spilled it all over the table.  I even told the OT I disagree with her.  She’s a useless person.  Little one has an incorrect pencil grip, has trouble forming her letters the “right” way – like she starts her S at the bottom, and she many letter reversals- b and d, p and q sometimes a.  Well the OT said they can’t correct the pencil grip and the formation because it’s now muscle memory and would be too difficult to fix.  As for letter reversals they said they do that in K-1 so they can’t do that, plus in 2nd grade they don’t mark those wrong…. so hubby and I countered with – so we will wait till it’s “a habit and muscle memory that’s too hard to fix” and deal with it when she is failing and getting things wrong.  And basically they said yes.  WTH.  They also don’t want to do an OT eval, because of her non-compliance with tests…. I was like, isn’t that indicative of a problem right there?   She had no answer for that. STUPID.

Normally by now I have gotten Christmas decorations out.  I am dreading it this year.  It all seems like so much work.

I am thankful I am done my Christmas shopping other than what I need to get 2 friends.  Things are getting worse, and at least that’s not hanging over my head.

So yeah… done.

Do you have that small voice?

Do you have that small voice in your head? You know the one that seems to wake up at bedtime and say “hey, you haven’t thought about <insert some worrisome thing here> in a while, let’s revisit that right now”.

Why???? Why must my brain constantly sabotage me? As if I don’t have enough on my plate- IEP for little one in 11hrs 29 mins… but who is counting…. oh yeah – me. Going in with my gloves on, but in truth- if they don’t give her what she needs I am probably done. I’ll take her out of school and homeschool her again. I know there are people who won’t support that decision but they don’t have to watch their child come home from school and lose it for most of the night because they held it together as best they could all day. I don’t know, little one could go one way or another if I pull her out she may be for it or against l. But I think it’s something her dad and I are going to have to think about and decide by Christmas.

29 days.

Alone

Sometimes I feel like I have no one to talk to, except my therapist. I wish I had her on speed dial.

I have friends. I have family. Sometimes I vent to them. But sometimes I feel like “that friend/family member that does nothing but complain”. And sometimes I just can’t talk about what’s bothering me, sometimes there aren’t words, sometimes my feelings are unreasonable and unrealistic and could cause hurt feelings. So I’ve been doing a lot of stuffing and avoiding.

People are noticing I’m isolating myself. People are noticing that I’m missing. And I care that they notice, and then I feel compelled to rectify that, and then I either stay missing or I go and spend the entire time on edge.

I’ve noticed some friends and I have drifted apart. And I want to get that back, but I just don’t have anything to give.

I’ve tried faking it at home, tried plastering on a smile and be Suzy-homemaker but that inevitably leaves me feeling resentful, and I end up just losing my temper because it’s all too much. Too much.

Thanksgiving was a perfect example of this.  We had 8 of us here, and hubby and I cooked- but mostly I cooked.  Something I always used to enjoy but now… not so much.  And I was stressed to the max.  I dropped all the carrots in the sink, a million dish towels, and utensils.  People at the table were “bickering”… goading each other just for the fun of it.  But I plastered a smile on my face, and only got after everyone once, and told them it’s  Thanksgiving,  cut it out, smile and you will have fun.

After dinner was over my inlaws stayed after my mom and step father left.  We were talking and I made a comment about something wiseass, and MIL said “you’re fine now”.  Like one wiseass comment means I feel fine.  She went on to say that because I was able to put on the meal etc that meant I was fine.  Um, hello? Really?  She wasn’t here yesterday (hubby’s 40th birthday) to see the aftermath of the day.  I was grumpy, had a short fuse, and was exhausted. Today I still am. Seriously, I don’t get it.

Princess Glitter Sparkle (a.k.a. my counselor) wants to call Mary Poppins (a.k.a. med management doctor)… I’m not sure why, I hope she tells me when I see her this week.

We have an IEP meeting for little one on Monday.  I had forgotten about it until I looked at the calendar tonight.  and now I have that to stress about.  I know they aren’t going to give her what she needs. I don’t think I mentioned she was diagnosed with ODD.  Did I mention she ran away from school 2x and came home?  She has OT delays, issues with self-regulation, and stutters.  She reverses her letters.  She’s 8.  We need to find out why.  I have asked for evaluations.  But I am sure she’s not going to get them.  I know I sound like a doomsday-er, but I have been here, done that, bought the teeshirt, and the hoodie, and the towel and the socks.  I am not doing this again.  I will take her out and homeschool her again.  I am just so done.

Did I mention that I went back to school?  Online- no way could I do this in the classroom- though this coming semester I have to take 1 class, 1 day a week at the campus and I am flipping out already.  As if I don’t have enough to do, I decided to finish my bachelors degree, I thought maybe having something to do would help- not so much, it has made so much more stress in my life.  But maybe my mom and some other people in my life will stop being so disappointed with the way my life turned out.  Maybe I will “shine”.

I don’t even want to post this… I know some of the people who know me “in real life” read this, and I don’t want them to think I’m talking about them, I don’t want them to feel the need to reach out, I don’t know what I want.

I’m still alive…

Again it’s been a long while since I wrote. Writing seems like so much work. And I’m already writing a lot… I’ll share about that soon – I’m not ready to spill the beans just yet.

So what’s new? Not much. I have ups and downs. The up days are way fewer than the down days. I’m trying- most days. Some days trying is too hard. Some days just thinking about trying makes me exhausted.

I’m still seeing my counselor an hour a week, and going to Dialectical Behavioral Therapy 2 hours a week. We are getting ready to start inner child work, we’ve been trying to start for a couple of months but things keep “getting in the way”. Honestly, I think I might be avoiding…. I need to face this. I don’t think I’ll ever be ok if I don’t.

It’s been 83 days since I last scratched. I’ve been looking at my scars, they give me comfort in a way. They are small, but there, sharing my pain. I’ve picked up some other coping mechanisms like pulling my eyebrows, and not leaving my hair alone.

My OCD is smacking me in the face constantly- especially since cold and flu season is here now. I’ve been wiping my inside clothes down with disinfectant wipes if someone in the family touches me. It’s so damn frustrating.

I have more to say but maybe if I save it I’ll write again sooner… until next time.

Posts I never post….

Do you ever pour your heart out into a post and never post it? Just save it to a draft and stuff the feelings down? I do.

Where have I been?

Well, where HAVE I been? Trudging along; one baby step in front of the next.

I have more on my plate than I can possibly handle and it’s rearing it’s ugly head in my life in ways that increase my symptoms. I fly off the handle, constantly, at those who I love most. I’m tired. My feelings toward myself are the lowest they’ve been in a while.

I lose my patience with everyone- especially my children. And then I hate myself. I try so hard, do so well then become unraveled at bedtime and become a tyrant.

So many days I want to just pack up and leave. I’ve thought a lot about that in the past week. I suck at taking care of people, and it doesn’t seem to be getting better

I just went back and read the last post I wrote, and I’m stuck there. I’m still thinking about “shining” every.single.day. And the closer we get to the anniversary of my “breakdown” the more edgy I get.

There have been some issues with little one at school and I find myself in the middle of a battle with the School AGAIN. And that brings my PTSD screaming back like a maniac which puts me in fight or flight with the very people I’m trying to help.

I’m useless. I say hurtful things. That’s the hardest part. That’s the part that makes me just want to lay in the road and die. I’m just a failure- just like my family believes- they’ve always been right about me- I should just accept it.

Broken…. A Poem

Please, don’t judge, there is really no structure to this poem, but it’s not a story, or a “post”.  But tonight was a really bad night, and I let my pen just scrawl along. 

Broken.

I feel the familiar “whoosh, whoosh, whoosh” of the blood in my ears.

My heart is racing, pulse is 120.

There’s a buzzing in my body.

I’m sweating, everywhere, even my legs.

My brain is going to dark, dark, places.

I want to see the red blood coming out of my arms.

I want to see the raised skin of the scratch.

I want to feel the sting and burn of the cuts.

I want my brain to stop.

FAT, UGLY, HIDEOUS, GROSS.

Bad mom, yeller, ineffective.

Bad wife, “makes” hubby do all the cooking and clean

up from meals, undermines his discipline.

LOSER, CAN’T FINISH ANYTHING, STUPID

Will never change.

Always a victim.

Don’t SHINE, am a disappointment.

Not good enough, NEVER enough.

Undermines my own dreams.

I sit, tears brimming, threatening to spill over.

I sit at my desk all the things I used to use to cut at my disposal.

But I can’t cut, no matter how much I want to, I’m on blood thinners. I don’t want to ruin my kids’ life any more than I already have.

So I push it down, down, down.  The whooshing, shaking, and sweating gets worse. My head pounds too.

How long can I do this? How long will I have to do this?

No one is going to save me, or the little girl inside.  Together we will drown and choke on our labels; the labels of rejection and the labels we give ourselves.  Never truly happy; never truly whole—

Broken.