And so it begins….

Tomorrow we start with the first of our Christmas celebrations. We are going to my mother’s house.  My sister will be there with her husband and son, and hubby, big one and little one will be coming of course.

I always approach these days at mom’s with some trepidation and angst.  We are the black sheep.  My step-father likes to remind us of that every chance he gets.  He likes to bring up topics that he knows are going to irritate me.  They judge us, and our decisions.  We always have to do weird things- like this year we have to make a dish that is part of a Christmas song or story.  I am making sugar plums.  Part of me never wants to go- but the part of me that’s still a little girl and craves her mother can’t wait.  My mother suffers from crippling anxiety but pretends she doesn’t.  She gets me going and by the end of the night I am feeling like I have ran a marathon.

But I am going to do my best to not let them drag me in to the hot topics.  I am going to lay down the ball and not toss it back.  I am not mentally strong enough to volley with them.

I don’t know if I mentioned that I started a new antidepressant this week, my doctor told my husband to keep the bottle away from me because taken in too large of a dose it is fatal.  I suppose it doesn’t help that I told her that if I ever took my own life it would be with pills.  Everything else seems so messy, or painful.  I don’t like pain.  I really think she wants me to have a crisis eval, but honestly I do ok most days, it’s the days that big one is being particularly abusive, or days when my anxiety is out of control.

Going back to my earlier post about guilt- I feel guilty that I don’t call my father enough- even though he is the way he is.  I feel guilty I have depression/anxiety/OCD/PTSD and possibly a personality disorder- I have a living husband and two beautiful children (though they often drive me insane- which also makes me feel guilty).  It never ends.

 

 

 

 

 

Treatment #5

Today was ECT number 5.  I don’t know if I feel any different – well that’s not true- I know that I have much higher anxiety, that I can’t remember hardly anything at all, big one came home talking about French class today and I couldn’t remember that he took French in school.  That’s something that happened long before ECT so it’s obvious that ECT is effecting more than just the current memories I am making- or not making as the case may be.

I guess I can see some differences, but most of them have an explanation- like I haven’t been as irritable with the kids, but 1. I am too tired to be irritable, and 2.  I just don’t have  the energy to be irritated.  It seems to me the those are symptoms of depression.  I don’t know. I was telling my new counselor yesterday that I feel like a faucet was shut off.  Not only do I feel numb much of the time, I am anxious and can’t remember anything.

But I am worried that I won’t know if/when the ECT is working.  I was talking to the Psychiatrist today about how long I have had depression, and if I am being honest I have been depressed on and off most of my life, even as far back as childhood, so would I even know what feeling good feels like?  And when my anxiety is elevated to this level (you know that feeling like before you have to give a big presentation? Or know you are in trouble? That pit in your stomach? I have that 24/7 lately.  And my anxiety is always louder than my depression.  In fact when I was first diagnosed depressed I didn’t believe the doctor, I thought I was just very very anxious with PTSD and OCD, but once I was finally getting my anxiety treated I saw the depression.  And I can tell you right now my anxiety is as high if not higher than it was when I started getting treated for it.  So it’s hard for me to see anything but that.

Well I guess that’s all, I am sure I had more to say but I can’t think of it, and my stomach is doing flip flops so I need to try to distract myself.

Until next time.

Apparently Im Selfish

My sister sent me a text today basically telling me all I do is talk about myself. I can’t tell you how hurt I was- maybe right now I am a little preoccupied – but part of the reason for that is that the last 38 years I haven’t focused on me at all. I’ve spent my life the peacemaker, the one always trying to make everyone else happy, and after a while that’s taken it’s toll. I mean I even called my Dad on Thanksgiving- the only kid who did. All this peacemaking has brought me to where I am.

I told hubby that maybe I’ll die during a procedure then she won’t have to hear about me or it anymore. He said let’s not wish for that… I don’t know I’m feeling so down and no one wants to hear about it except my husband who has to live it- I hate burdening him with it all. He drops his whole life to take me to treatments, he takes care of me.

Growing up my sister was my best friend- we used to talk about everything and anything. She said she is going to “call me out” when I’m being selfish. She doesn’t have time to listen to me repeat myself, and she understands where I am better than most (because she’s a counselor)– if that were true she would understand that the texts she sent destroyed me.

I went to church today- being around all these people made me realize how much I have fortified myself in my own little world at home, it makes me never want to leave my safe zone. My brother wants to come next weekend- now I am thinking it might be better to just wait until I’m done treatments, and then maybe I won’t be such a burden to everyone around me.

I’m seriously considering not going to my sisters for the concert I’m too hurt, and obviously she doesn’t want to know what’s going on with me and she says I only talk about me anyway so she wouldn’t miss me…

I might have some verbal diarrhea here for a while, since I have no one else to talk to….

I’m lonely, I have no purpose, and I’m grinchy this year. 

Honestly the title says it all. I feel really lonely since the kids of gone back to school even though hubby is home he really I don’t know he just putters away at little things that need to be done.  

Since the kids of gone back to school I have no purpose no cause, for five years my career my everything was put in to educating them and suddenly I find I don’t know who I am without the labels that I had.

Today was Pollyannas last day, I decided to try out the therapist in the room next-door simply out of convenience and out of the fact that I wouldn’t have to step out of my comfort zone to search for one out of the facility. This was the first timeSince I can remember actually saying goodbye to somebody. I avoid it like the plague. When someone dies they just never existed or I just haven’t seen them for a while. But today I actually had to say goodbye and my heart is broken and I don’t even know why I didn’t like her that much I mean liked her well enough but I’m just not sure that we made any progress in in a year. I don’t like this closure thing and I’ve decided I don’t want to do it again. It sucks.

Today is November 7 usually by now has been a week of Christmas music blasting in my house 24/7.  I just can’t get into the mood this year my mom says put it on and I’ll get in the mood but there’s something holding me back I’m not sure what it is maybe it’s that I don’t want to not feel in the mood and listen to it because it’ll ruin it I don’t know I don’t know much Of anything these days. I wish the ECT people had called me back maybe that would’ve helped. Tomorrow I go and see about my two sprained ankle‘s and too bad hips and I’m convinced that they’re going to think I’m a hypochondriac but I’m not and physically in pain but they’re probably just going to tell me there’s nothing they can do I’m so tired of hearing that from doctors. I’m so tired of a lot of things. Like I have this new anxiety symptoms he comes on when I’m really upset or nervous and just feels like I just licked a 9 V battery now don’t tell me you never did that As a kid but it’s very unnerving when you didn’t like the battery in your body does that.

In case you Hadn’t noticed I feel like life is sucking pretty bad and when I had my yearly review at my med doctor and psychologists office today angle assessment she asked me how the past year was and I said it sucked and I gave her all the reasons that it sucked and it reminded me of how much my life sucks right now.

I guess That’s all for today I don’t really have much more to contribut.

Bye Bye Critical Thinking and Executive Functioning it was nice knowing you…

I haven’t been around much lately, I have been going to more doctors than I care to admit.  I think I mentioned I sprained my ankle last week falling off a step ladder, well this isn’t an isolated incident I have been having balance issues since my hip surgery.  So now that my right ankle is sprained my left hip (surgical hip) is taking all the weight and it can’t handle it… it’s not strong enough.  And to make matters worse they think my right hip has the same issue my left did, but we can’t do surgery until I “have a leg to stand on” basically.  So they are referring me back to the doctor I first saw at their practice and he will manage me non surgically and then when things are straightened out we will reevaluate surgery on my right hip.  Hello cortisone injections. What I really really want is some Percocet and sleep for a week.

I also saw the dr about the ECT.  And I was all set to start Monday but I really felt like I didn’t have any support in this – friends telling me to pray it away, well-meaning people telling me it’s awfully invasive. So I met with Mary Poppins and I decided to up my current meds, cancel the ECT and go from there.  After that I met with PollyAnna, which did I mention she’s leaving and now I am stuck finding a new therapist.  Hello abandonment issues I haven’t seen you in a while I missed you.  And I came to the conclusion while talking to her I want someone to tell me to do the ECT.  And I felt like I needed support that I wasn’t getting. And I thought hubby was against it, when it turns out he’s only against maintenance ECT.  So I called the place back and we will do itthe 2nd’ or 3rd week of November.

But now for the reason for this post. I have lost my critical thinking skills as well as my executive functioning skills. My sister pointed it out, and my hubby agrees.  I am slowly losing all the things that make me ME.  It’s like I am Michael J Fox on Back to the Future an I am beig erased from the picure….

And finally a changed diagnosis and a new one? I recently had a treatment plan and when I compared it to my last one Mary Poppins changed Major Depressive disorder recurrent episode moderate toMajor Depressive disorder recurrent episode severe.  Awesome.  Getting worse not better.  She also put ruling out unspecified personality disorder.  Awesome. That’s not something mananged with meds, that’s the fiber of your being – who you are.  How do I deal with that.  Im thinking I am dependent personality disorder though I do meet some of the criteria for Borderline.  Either way I am sick to death of not getting better but getting worse and worse.

Next time maybe I will talk about how I feel about PollyAnna leaving and the search for a new therapist.

T-minus not even 12 hours…

As I was packing little one’s lunch for school tomorrow, my tears mixed with her deli ham and soft shell tortilla. I never wanted to send her to school, I still really don’t want to send her to school.

I have so many worries- will she make friends? Or will she struggle like I did?

Will she have someone to sit with at lunch?

Will she be able to do the work?

Will she miss me?

How will I get through my day without my light?

Will she like it? (secretly I don’t want her to so that I can keep her home with me).

Germs, germs, germs.

I’m sending the nice one, who loves me to school and keeping the one who hates and abuses me home.

What if, what if, what if…..

 

 

My life…. where dreams go to die….

I started homeschooling big one at the end of 1st grade, I was 5 or 6months pregnant with little one, and everyone convinced me that I wouldn’t be able to homeschool big one with an infant.  So I put him in school for two years and it was utter and total pure hell. The district we lived in at the time was horrific, and known for their inability to handle special needs children.

So by 4th grade I was homeschooling – we had gone to mediation with the school district and filed a formal complaint.   They were found guilty of 7 different violations of his IEP..  I pulled him out and we homeschooled.  It was NEVER easy, he has always fought me, tried to cut corners, tried to get out of doing work.  It’s been a fight since day 1.

With little one I planned to homeschool her the entire school experience.  She proved difficult in her own ways, wanting to play instead of do school, having low attention span. And then we found out about her eye convergence issues, her ADHD and anxiety.  But still we were ready to soldier on.

Even though Im emotionally tapped out. Even though hubby is physically and emotionally tapped out.  But big one has really upped the ante this year he’s pushing every button, he’s taking every chance to exploit my shortcomings and my emotional instability.  He skips assignments saying they are done, he downright refuses to do them. He screams at me, its like living with a mini version of my father.

So we are looking into options.  Little one is gong ho.  She wants to go to school.  Selfishly, I want her here, at home.  I want to teach her, but homeschooling is ruining our relationship.  So next week we will go tour the school I hope and see what it’s like.

The following week we have a meeting with the special services director to tour the high school, to look at their day treatment program even though it’s full. We have also put ourselves on the waiting list for the virtual charter academies that our state offers. We will see what pans out.

So not only do I not want my kids to leave me, even big one despite his abuse… The other issue if I have made a tribe.  I had a tribe of homeschooling moms. That made it a little better I wasn’t alone, I could bounce ideas off them, and now, I am defecting. Are they going to abandon me? Will I lose all my friends?  Most of my friends are severely anti-public school. I feel like I will lose the few friends I have.

It seems like every time I have a dream for my life, or my kids the dream their comes and snatches it away.

The one POSITIVE thing about them going to school is if I end up doing the ECT (electroshock therapy) little one will be in a school with a teacher instead of riding in a car not getting an education.

 

***disclaimer- still none of it makes me feel better****