I got groceries alone, and I am really thinking I need to disappear…

Hubby and I made a deal, if I did the grocery shopping he would wash all the eggs we had waiting to be washed. I agreed to the deal and then remembered he would have washed them all anyway. CRAP! But no takebacks. So off I went to Walmart.  As usual I put my reusable bags in the bottom of the cart whenI walked in so when my cart was overfowing (literally – we try to shop a month at time for things other than perishables)….So I had to dig through the cart to get those out. Fun times.  And I hate the way people look at me when my cart is overflowing. Take a picture it’ll last longer…. they probably do and I am on the people of Walmart site somewhere.  Once I finished Walmart I went to the local grocery store for meat. We don’t buy our meat at Walmart.

So I get home and one child ignores me and the other hollers at me.  I said maybe it would be better if I were gone.  And I wasn’t kidding.  I am so tired of being disrespected, not listened to, and ignored. I want to run away.  Part of me wants to go empty all our accounts and take off.  You know, I would settle for a full night, and full day alone in a motel with no one talking to me, no one bothering me, no one ignoring me. But that’ll never happen. So my next wish is to be sick or hurt enough to go to the hospital for a day or three.  Have meals brought to me, lay in bed and sleep as much as I want without people poking me awake.

Mary Poppins asked me about self harm the other day.  I told her I have been thinking about it a lot, especially since I can’t turn to junk food anymore if I am going to follow what the endocrinologist wants…. and I don’t want to end up like dad. But I told her I would be having my other hand done soon so I have to wait.  She joked that she was going to keep me scheduled in surgeries indefinitely …. I got plenty she could schedule- weight loss, skin removal, breast reduction, tonsillectomy, fix my other hip, lobotomy…ok that last one was a joke.

Im tired. And it’s not lack of sleep tired. I’m worn.  And I have to spend tomorrow with my mom and step dad. It’ll be the first time I have seen him since “the text”. My husband wants to punch him out… Thankfully I know he has more self control…. I hope.

 

How Did I Get Here?

Do you ever just look around at your life and wonder what the heck happened any how you got here?

I got the results of my thyroid etc tests.  Everything was perfect, even my TSH went from 4.08 to 1.82. My antibodies were negative, my adrenal was fine everything was perfect. Except it’s not.  That means all my problems are between my ears.

It’s sad to think that good news made me sad. I should be happy my thyroid isn’t shot, but I’m not.  That would have provided an explanation that went beyond psychiatric. But no. I couldn’t get so lucky.  I know that sounds ridiculous but without a medical explanation it is all psychiatric. That’s so depressing.

That’s all I have for now.

The Day the OT Broke my heart….

So little one had OT today.  Little One wanted me to come in but I really want her to gain some confidence in that area so I told her I would be in in a while but never came in.

At the end of the session little one likes “talk time”, and her OT today told me she thought it would be a good idea that little one get a therapist or a counselor; because her “worries” are bigger than they should be for a girl her age. She worries about the fact that she wants to marry the boy that lives next door but she’s not allowed to play with him (we aren’t thrilled with their family but we allow them to play- it’s their family who have an issue), she also said “mommy hasn’t reached all her dreams”.  That broke my heart. Why should she worry about me. She’s almost 7, she needs to worry about what she’s going to play with next.  She is so my mini-me. Worry, worry, worry.

So on the way home I called where big one goes to counseling, and got the ball rolling for a therapist. I hope it doesn’t take long. My poor baby.

Fathers…

I have been thinking a lot about fathers.  Both father figures in my life have done nothing but disappoint me, and misuse me, in one way or another. It makes me feel very insecure  about relationships, especially with men, even my poor husband- and we have been together for 22 years.  I have issues with men in general, doctors, men in authority positions, I am very uncomfortable around them.

But it also affects my relationship with my Heavenly Father. It’s hard to imagine that there is a Father that loves me, no matter what I do, say, look like; no matter what mistakes I make.  I work hard to follow that little voice inside of the Holy Spirit so that I can always be in His will.

But I have been thinking about the text from last weekend, and maybe God is 1. Reminding me that no earthly father will ever compare to Him, and that I need to put more trust into Him, and to spend more time with Him. So I have restarted my Quiet Time first thing in the morning.

I have also been thinking that maybe God is pointing me back to unresolved issues with my biological father.  That while my step father is a father figure, I need to learn to forgive better, and learn how to have a relationship with my biological father, even though we have had the tumultuous relationship we have had, despite the fact that he continues to misuse me- maybe it’s through that relationship that I will find my voice.

I don’t know.  These are all thoughts that are just jumbled in my brain right now, and I am going to work through this texting debacle with PollyAnna on Thursday.  I did talk to Mary Poppins about it yesterday and she assured me, that first there is not one grain of truth in the text.  That it was way over the top, crossed so many lines and was lies though she doesn’t believe they were malicious intent simply ignorant and coming from the mind of someone who spends 24/7 on marijuana.  She is not a Dr against pot, but she also doesn’t feel it’s a 1 size fits all the way this person does.

Anyway, I obviously still have a lot to process, and to work through.  And I still need to decide if I am going to 1. reply to him and 2. tell my mom.

I don’t think I mentioned…. or it just goes to show how pathetic I am.

Not too long after my father told me that he was done with me, that he wouldn’t talk to me anymore, after he rejected me once again, he started calling again.

He’s been calling several times day, and surprisingly been pretty pleasant which usually leads up to unpleasantness…. but here’s what really bothers me about this story…

He has NOT called my sister. He won’t.  But he calls me because he knows I am so desperate to be loved I will take whatever anyone will give me, any scrap, no matter how unhealthy or not good for me. He knows, no matter what horror he has done I will take him back with open arms.

I am so pathetic.

And now, every time my text message dings I get a sick feeling in my stomach, worried it’s that family member again with more to say.  He has now added to my PTSD. Thanks so much.

Perseveration

Perseveration: VERB: To repeat or prolong an action, thought or utterance after the stimulus that prompted it has ceased.

Big One has Aspergers, high functioning Autism, whatever the buzz word of the time is.  He is the King of perseveration.  However, he learned this activity from somewhere, and that’d be me, the Queen.  I have not stopped thinking about that hurtful text for one minute since I got it on Friday morning. It’s constantly nagging at my brain.  It’s at the forethought of every interaction with my children.  It’s dictating how and what I will do to celebrate my daughter’s birthday.  It’s even crept into the dreams I’ve had between fits of sleep.

I don’t know how to rid myself of this poison.  It’s almost as if my brain ceased to accept new information after Friday July 21st, 2017 at 11:09am.  I’m stuck in an endless loop of thinking about this text, about what was said, analyzing what’s truth and what’s ignorance.  Im stuck in sadness, hurt, rejection and anger. I can’t think about anything else.

Talking to this person, will do no good.  Talking to their significant other may help, or may make it worse, because they could go either way- agree with them or disagree with some or all, or they could do what they do best, avoid and withdraw (hey I had to learn it somewhere).

This is my only outlet.  I am trying to put on a mask, I don’t want hubby to know just how badly I am feeling, I already had to make him promise not to text this person. I’d like to talk to my sister, but she has her own life to lead and we have talked this to death. And my brother already has a complicated relationship with this side of the family I don’t want to make it worse.

I feel so alone. I feel betrayed, rejected, sad, hopeless and helpless to change the situation. Just when I thought I might be clawing my way out of the pit, they took their workboot, put it on my face and pushed me back down to the bottom of the pit.