Guilt

I am full of guilt all the time. Guilt when I inadvertently let a friend down, when I get irritated with my husband or my children, guilt because I gave up on homeschooling, because my house isn’t clean enough, I don’t read enough to my kids, I don’t take them fun places all the time- and the list could stretch to infinity.

But this morning my heart felt a tiny bit better. I brought little one to school and saw in passing her regular teacher, her title 1 math and title 1 reading teacher and I got the chance to chat with each of them for a couple minutes and each one of them separately said how well she’s doing, how much progress she’s made, and one of them said several times that she loves her. So while the guilt of being a homeschool quitter, and lacking the ability to teach her to read is still there nagging at me incessantly- it feels good to know I sent her to a place where the teachers love her.

Faking It

I hear it all the time- “fake it till you make it”.  And that’s what I have been doing the past couple months. Faking it.  And I think I do a pretty good job, only those closest to me know the truth.

In fact last week I was lamenting to my husband that I think all my friends hate me now, and that I don’t have any friends.  He told me that I am lost in my own head.  He’s right.  My brain never stops.

I am convinced I am doing everything wrong with my children, I am scared for Big One, he says he’s being bullied at high school, and his doctor’s and therapist say I need to let him try to work it out.  But I don’t want to, and I am worried about him.  I am worried he will be bullied so badly he will become a statistic- I almost did in high school, until I found a group.  So what if they were just 4 of the nerdiest boys in school.  I had a group where I could feel safe.  I want that for him.  Little one is reading now.  I should be happy right? Im not.  Im not happy because I didn’t teach her, I tried- oh how I tried.  But I couldn’t do it.

Sometimes I miss homeschooling, I miss my homeschooling tribe.  But I also know I am in no way capable of homeschooling at this point.  And may never be with Big one, and  Little one- she loves school. It would be selfish of me to not let her go.

I am tired of being sore.  My ankles are still sore and I am still in PT for those. And my hips still need help, I can’t sit criss-cross-applesauce.

I am concerned about finances.  We pretty much put this whole Christmas on credit. Not good.  I am praying with all I have that hubby gets his Social Security approval so we can pay down our debts.

I am not sure I like my new counselor, no particular reason I am just not sure I like her.

I am worried ( when I say, worried, concerned etc what I really mean is extremely anxious) about hubby and his medical issues.  He slept a good 8 hours last night and now he’s sleeping in his chair snoring- it’s 10:32am.

I am worried that this is as good as life gets.  I am sick of being poor, sick of hubby being sick (not because I am annoyed with him, but because I feel bad for him and me, we can’t do the things we used to), I am sick of Big One being emotionally and verbally abusive. I am sick of the way he and little one play off each other and fight.  I often consider running away, and have thought a lot about a crisis unit.

Basically my life is a mess.  A complete mess.  And I don’t know how to clean it up.

Until next time.

Haven’t Posted….

I know it’s been a while since I posted, things have been pretty crappy around here if I am completely honest.

I went through 6 or 8 ECT procedures- let’s just say THAT SUCKED.  I mean really really bad. It has made my anxiety WAY worse, my blood pressure has been elevated, my resting pulse is around 100.  I have had headaches and nausea.  It was way worse on days I had the ECT done, it was so bad they had to put meds in my IV to try to prevent these things before they happened- but it didn’t really help.

But the worst part of all of it (besides the increased anxiety because that’s really really bad I feel like I am dying sometimes), is what it has done to my brain.  My memory has been severely effected, and I struggle with word retrieval.  Sometimes when I am talking I have to ask people to be patient with me because I have to look for the word that I am wanting to use.

And what’s worse is that it didn’t help my depression at all. I am really feeling like there is very little hope left that I will ever get better. I feel like this is as good as it gets.

And this time of year money is always an issue, but it’s worse so with hubby out of work. And yesterday proved even more that he can’t work.  We got about an inch and a half of snow and he used a shovel to push it like a plow on about 1/3 of our (not very big driveway) and his back was killing him.  We are waiting on the an appointment for an EMG at a neurologist and the results of that to send to social security in hopes that he will get approved for his appeal.  If not we will have to get a lawyer. And since money is so tight it’s a credit card Christmas, and we have had to put some incidentals on cards too because we have been spending so much on gas to get to and from appointments.  Starting in January we are going to work hard to pay down our debt and hopefully he will get approved for disability and we will be ok.

I have been struggling with self esteem lately.  I have been convinced that none of my friends like me anymore.  I am eating like crap, and need to work on that.

I cry all the time.  I never used to cry and now I cry several times a day.  It sucks to be this sad all the time.

I did take little one to my sister’s house this weekend and we did some fun things.  I felt good to know that I did something with little one. I feel like because of my issues the kids haven’t gotten to do many of the fun things that we usually do this time of year.

Well I guess that’s all, my brain isn’t working well, and I am exhausted. Until next time, and hopefully it won’t be so long next time.

Apparently Im Selfish

My sister sent me a text today basically telling me all I do is talk about myself. I can’t tell you how hurt I was- maybe right now I am a little preoccupied – but part of the reason for that is that the last 38 years I haven’t focused on me at all. I’ve spent my life the peacemaker, the one always trying to make everyone else happy, and after a while that’s taken it’s toll. I mean I even called my Dad on Thanksgiving- the only kid who did. All this peacemaking has brought me to where I am.

I told hubby that maybe I’ll die during a procedure then she won’t have to hear about me or it anymore. He said let’s not wish for that… I don’t know I’m feeling so down and no one wants to hear about it except my husband who has to live it- I hate burdening him with it all. He drops his whole life to take me to treatments, he takes care of me.

Growing up my sister was my best friend- we used to talk about everything and anything. She said she is going to “call me out” when I’m being selfish. She doesn’t have time to listen to me repeat myself, and she understands where I am better than most (because she’s a counselor)– if that were true she would understand that the texts she sent destroyed me.

I went to church today- being around all these people made me realize how much I have fortified myself in my own little world at home, it makes me never want to leave my safe zone. My brother wants to come next weekend- now I am thinking it might be better to just wait until I’m done treatments, and then maybe I won’t be such a burden to everyone around me.

I’m seriously considering not going to my sisters for the concert I’m too hurt, and obviously she doesn’t want to know what’s going on with me and she says I only talk about me anyway so she wouldn’t miss me…

I might have some verbal diarrhea here for a while, since I have no one else to talk to….

Sound so DUMB

I reread my post from earlier and I can’t stand my “tone of voice”.  I sound like a stranger to myself.  And I think in some ways I am.  I was just on Pinterest and apparently 6 days ago sent hubby a pin that I don’t recall sending.

I messaged my sister earlier, I am supposed to go to her house in a couple weeks for the weekend.  I told her I wasn’t sure about the entire weekend, and she immediately got pissed at me. Part of it is that I don’t want to miss church during Advent, another part is relying on hubby to move the elves, and little one will miss out on the Lego Advent calendar and big one will get to do it alone.  Not to mention I have to cancel ECT on Friday because I can’t drive for 24hours.  Money is incredibly tight right now, we are still waiting to hear the results of hubby’s appeal for SSDI. And when we get down to it, I am incredibly anxious about driving 4 hours each way alone (with just little one).  I am nervous about everything.  Not being in my own bed, not being with hubby (the one person who keeps me “ok”).  I am nervous about a lot of things. But I didn’t explain all this to her, I just let her express her irritation at me, and tell me that she would be upset if I didn’t come.  I didn’t say I wouldn’t come it was just that I might not stay Friday until Sunday.  Its a lot.  I don’t think she realizes how much preparation it takes for me to leave the house, never mind go a state away, be away from home for 3 days, and miss one of my ECT treatments.

I don’t know why I put all this here, she might read this, and I don’t want her to.  I don’t want to tell her the truth.  I don’t want anyone to know the truth about me.  And the fact remains I don’t want to leave the house most of the time. I stay home as much as I can.  I haven’t been good at keeping in touch with my friends since starting treatments, I pretty much am hiding as best as I can…..

I guess that’s all….

The Grinch Who Stole Thanksgiving.

That’s how I feel.  I decided I couldn’t handle a big Thanksgiving this year, it was just too much – the cooking, the dishes, the family, the stress, did I mention the cooking?   Well my 7 year old daughter is devastated.  She thinks it’s not thanksgiving if we don’t stay home and mama cooks.  I feel guilty, I feel like I should just suck it up and do Thanksgiving.  I feel like I am ruining the day for everyone else because of my inability to cope with life. I never thought I would say this, but I miss PollyAnna, I need someone to talk to.  I am so lonely.  I am tired of laying all my crap on hubby, and I just don’t feel like I need to burden my friends with my continuous stream of consciousness of self-loathing, self hatred and all the other random things I worry about and think about.  But I feel so beat down right now.

I went out with 2 of my friends on Friday to see Bad Mom’s Christmas- first of all WOAH I didn’t expect some of that content, and had to go home and pray after that 😉 But we had a good time, except about 6 times during the movie I quietly let tears run down my cheeks.  For all different reasons…. relationships with their own mothers vs mine.  That they could be so happy.  I don’t remember the last time I was truly HAPPY.  That’s not true.  It was October 2014.  It’s gone down hill since then, getting worse day by day.

I pray, constantly, unceasingly like we are called to. I ask God to take this from me. To make me ME again. To as Jesus said “let this cup pass from me”. I do my quiet time every morning. I just feel like I should be able to “pray it away”. After all miracles happen all the time.  But it seems that no amount of praying is going to take this from me.  I am not me.  I am not the mother and wife I want to be. I am not the person I want to be. I want to be able to give my daughter the Thanksgiving she wants. I feel so selfish doing this. I can’t stop the running commentary of guilt in my head, the horrible things I am thinking about myself.  That I can’t give her this.

Then tonight, she told me for the first time (of many) I am sure, that I am ruining her life. I know I shouldn’t have let it bother me, or taken it so personally, but that cut me to the quick.  Because of everyone in the world her approval and love is what I strive for- probably because it would be the closest thing to me loving me that I will ever experience.  I tried to leave the house and run away.  I That was just what my mom would have done.  But I had to come in and change because I was in my inside clothes and she begged me not to leave – the same thing I used to do to my mom.  I immediately put myself in her place and hated myself. She was crying and saying she was sorry.  I told her I accepted her apology, but I think this will be a scar we both carry forever, I know I will. I will never forget the look in her eyes- pleading, with big tears, just the same as I used to have. I can’t believe I tried to do that to her. I hate myself so much.  Sometimes I feel like a waste of space on earth.  I know it sounds dramatic, but I am just so broken. I don’t know what my purpose is, I am a crap mother and wife right now.

There’s really nothing else left to say.

I’m lonely, I have no purpose, and I’m grinchy this year. 

Honestly the title says it all. I feel really lonely since the kids of gone back to school even though hubby is home he really I don’t know he just putters away at little things that need to be done.  

Since the kids of gone back to school I have no purpose no cause, for five years my career my everything was put in to educating them and suddenly I find I don’t know who I am without the labels that I had.

Today was Pollyannas last day, I decided to try out the therapist in the room next-door simply out of convenience and out of the fact that I wouldn’t have to step out of my comfort zone to search for one out of the facility. This was the first timeSince I can remember actually saying goodbye to somebody. I avoid it like the plague. When someone dies they just never existed or I just haven’t seen them for a while. But today I actually had to say goodbye and my heart is broken and I don’t even know why I didn’t like her that much I mean liked her well enough but I’m just not sure that we made any progress in in a year. I don’t like this closure thing and I’ve decided I don’t want to do it again. It sucks.

Today is November 7 usually by now has been a week of Christmas music blasting in my house 24/7.  I just can’t get into the mood this year my mom says put it on and I’ll get in the mood but there’s something holding me back I’m not sure what it is maybe it’s that I don’t want to not feel in the mood and listen to it because it’ll ruin it I don’t know I don’t know much Of anything these days. I wish the ECT people had called me back maybe that would’ve helped. Tomorrow I go and see about my two sprained ankle‘s and too bad hips and I’m convinced that they’re going to think I’m a hypochondriac but I’m not and physically in pain but they’re probably just going to tell me there’s nothing they can do I’m so tired of hearing that from doctors. I’m so tired of a lot of things. Like I have this new anxiety symptoms he comes on when I’m really upset or nervous and just feels like I just licked a 9 V battery now don’t tell me you never did that As a kid but it’s very unnerving when you didn’t like the battery in your body does that.

In case you Hadn’t noticed I feel like life is sucking pretty bad and when I had my yearly review at my med doctor and psychologists office today angle assessment she asked me how the past year was and I said it sucked and I gave her all the reasons that it sucked and it reminded me of how much my life sucks right now.

I guess That’s all for today I don’t really have much more to contribut.