I got groceries alone, and I am really thinking I need to disappear…

Hubby and I made a deal, if I did the grocery shopping he would wash all the eggs we had waiting to be washed. I agreed to the deal and then remembered he would have washed them all anyway. CRAP! But no takebacks. So off I went to Walmart.  As usual I put my reusable bags in the bottom of the cart whenI walked in so when my cart was overfowing (literally – we try to shop a month at time for things other than perishables)….So I had to dig through the cart to get those out. Fun times.  And I hate the way people look at me when my cart is overflowing. Take a picture it’ll last longer…. they probably do and I am on the people of Walmart site somewhere.  Once I finished Walmart I went to the local grocery store for meat. We don’t buy our meat at Walmart.

So I get home and one child ignores me and the other hollers at me.  I said maybe it would be better if I were gone.  And I wasn’t kidding.  I am so tired of being disrespected, not listened to, and ignored. I want to run away.  Part of me wants to go empty all our accounts and take off.  You know, I would settle for a full night, and full day alone in a motel with no one talking to me, no one bothering me, no one ignoring me. But that’ll never happen. So my next wish is to be sick or hurt enough to go to the hospital for a day or three.  Have meals brought to me, lay in bed and sleep as much as I want without people poking me awake.

Mary Poppins asked me about self harm the other day.  I told her I have been thinking about it a lot, especially since I can’t turn to junk food anymore if I am going to follow what the endocrinologist wants…. and I don’t want to end up like dad. But I told her I would be having my other hand done soon so I have to wait.  She joked that she was going to keep me scheduled in surgeries indefinitely …. I got plenty she could schedule- weight loss, skin removal, breast reduction, tonsillectomy, fix my other hip, lobotomy…ok that last one was a joke.

Im tired. And it’s not lack of sleep tired. I’m worn.  And I have to spend tomorrow with my mom and step dad. It’ll be the first time I have seen him since “the text”. My husband wants to punch him out… Thankfully I know he has more self control…. I hope.


Is it any wonder? 

Is it any wonder that I’m fat? I ate toast with peanut butter for breakfast, canned pears (in their own juice) for lunch, a cookie, a 1×1 square brownie. Not so bad right? 

Well then 5:30 hit – I ate 5 Trader Joe’s fruit leathers and then asked hubby to get me a “snack” like eclairs at hannaford…. he did – the 4 pack.  Which now sits empty at my feet in the bag to hide the evidence, to hide my shame. 210 calories each, 840 calories total.  Not terrible I guess-  but it’s not the calories that’s the problem for me- it’s the sitting there and eating four 6 inch eclairs in less than 5 minutes sitting in the grocery store parking lot. It’s shameful. It’s disgusting.  It’s everything I think about myself.  

Fat people don’t bother me, fat ME bothers me.  I’m gross. But I see someone my same weight or even more- some of them are gorgeous, but either way there’s nothing wrong with them I don’t look at them and think oh my god they’re so gross but when I look at myself in the mirror I think that.  when I think about myself sitting in the parking lot of the grocery store shoving eclair after eclair down my throat to fill some sort of  void I think I’m gross. I’m gross.

 Even my husband gave me a look of disgust that I’ll never forget I’m must be discussing to him now too.  I guess I made my own thoughts come true I’ve always thought he thought I was fat and ugly but wouldn’t say it and now he really does think I’m gross. He knows the true me. The binger.  

I think what I found out or figure it out I guess was that because right now I can’t hurt myself I’m compensating with other compulsions spending eating two things I can control two things that bring me pleasure if only for a moment but the question is which compulsion should I indulge in which is worse? 

Excuse me while I go throw up, I feel sick.

Well that was interesting…..

Today was a day of appointments…. Big One had counseling today, then I had counseling, med management and the chiropractor. Counseling was interesting. She wasn’t happy with my homework assignment, but I think she finally realized that I am not ready to reframe my thoughts, because there are just too many thoughts to reframe.  One of the favorite things for Christians to say is to “take every thought captive”.  But like I explained to Pollyanna, that I have 65 thoughts at one time.  so it’s hard to take one thought captive when there are so many thoughts at once.  So now, she has decided to take a different approach for now, and she wants to work on thought disruption.  Her homework assignment is for me to download a guided meditation program, set a timer for 1-2 minutes and try to concentrate on nothing for that time, and if I start to think to say “shush”.  Sounds a little froofy to me, but I also was concerned about how guided meditation fit in with my faith.

So I called one of my faith mentors.  Yes I CALLED.  It was way too much to text and there was too much discussion needed.  When she saw my number on her phone I am sure she thought the worst (I don’t call anyone unless it is absolutely necessary). She and I discussed what would work and still fall within the confines of our faith, because a lot of guided meditations are new-agey and don’t really jive with our faith.  But she gave me some good advice and I think I found one that will work, it’s made for anxiety and I listened to the first 5 minutes or so, and other than the guys voice being weird nothing jumped out at me as sinful or against what we are taught as acceptable in Christ’s eyes.

As you can tell my faith is important to me.  Over the past 4 years it has really be defining who I am, what I believe and the kind of person I want to be. And I fully believe that’s why I am in this time of trial right now.  There is a real and present enemy who doesn’t want us to have a relationship with Christ, who wants to separate us from him, and he really is good at whispering if your ear- if God loved you don’t you think he would take this from you? But I know the whisper of his lies about that. I just wish I could get him out of my head.

My visit with Mary Poppins was also eventful. We discussed the fact that my depression has been very difficult to treat. That I honestly don’t feel any better, and it’s been about 6 months.  We have tried several SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, anti-anxiety, antihistamines and nothing has brought this black cloud away.  So she said she is increasing my luvox, and then we might start talking about ECT therapy.  Electroconvulsive therapy.  Yes- shock therapy.  Though from what I understand it’s not your grandma’s shock therapy anymore. I plan to do some research but her talk sounded positive.  She said 90% of patients see relief.  I need relief.

I am more than willing to do whatever it takes.  She says that I will have short term memory problems during the process though it will be very hard to form new memories. And then she said, but then again people are in deep depression how many memories do they really want to form? And she’s 100% right.

So I plan to research the heck out of this because what I am doing isn’t working- all my pills, my napping, my stuffing and avoiding.  I had to stop self-harming so I can have hip surgery so instead I started compulsively spending money on credit cards – money we don’t have. Knowing all the while it was a bad idea but unable to control it, I wanted to hurt myself and I couldn’t so I tried to fill that void with “things”. I haven’t received anything yet, but I highly doubt that’s going to work either- but hey Im getting a new macbook air, a photo printer, a bunch of books on amazon, a new 2 terabite external hard drive, and some essential oil stuff out of the deal….. yeah the more I think about it the more I realize it’s a bad idea.

I have also tried compulsive eating.  I don’t recommend it.  I gained another 4.5 pounds in 2 weeks, it makes you sick to your stomach, and makes you fat. So that’s not a good coping skill either….  I think spending is better 😉

But I have no coping skills.  None. Zero.  I was accountable to PollyAnna and Mary Poppins about the spending as well as my sister, in hopes that they can help me find better ways of coping. Any ideas readers? How do you cope?

I feel like I have to pretend….

After my post about hubby’s salvation I felt a weight left me.  I felt like the biggest thing that had been hanging over my head and heart- the worry that we wouldn’t be in heaven together was devastating to me.

BUT I felt like I had to be happy all the time. I had to pretend that everything was fine.

It’s hard as hell to hold yourself together to pretend that everything is ok when it’s not.  When you feel like you are broken inside.

I didn’t want him, or anyone else to think I wasn’t eternally grateful for the answered prayers. I didn’t want God to think that I was not feeling blessed beyond measure. So for the past two days I have walked around with a smile on my face. Pretending that I am “all better”.

But today I broke.  I need to stop pretending.  I need to stop stuffing and avoiding. I need to remember that I am allowed to have moments of happiness then moments of utter despair.

I had to send little one to respite. I couldn’t handle being a good mom today.  I am not the mom I want to be lately, so I find it easier to find people who can be a mom to them.  I hate myself because of this. I told my sister tonight that I want to be her son. She said – because of his life? (they are well off, and he wants for very little, and he has had so many experiences that kids his age never have- he sees shows, he goes to zoos his life is wonderful.)  But I said no “because you are the mother I always wanted”.

My husband says that’s sad. But it’s true. I have learned to love the mother I have.  She is NOT the mother that I wanted as a child.  I wanted something closer to Carol Brady and I got well it’s hard to explain, but mom was/is broken in her own way.  Her mom was abusive to her, her siblings and my mother’s father.  He wasn’t around a lot.  She suffered. A lot. And so I have forgiven her, and I have learned how to love her, and how she loves me.

Tonight, I feel broken.  I feel beaten down. I feel like the world is caving in on me.  I’ve thought about being better off dead.  I am not the mother I want to be, I am not the mother I wanted as a kid.  I am barely keeping it together. And now that I know hubby is saved it’s ok for me to die. I have wanted to hurt myself but if I do I can’t have surgery on Thursday.

I know this will pass, maybe tomorrow won’t be so dark. Maybe it’ll be a brighter day. I do get to see Mary Poppins and PollyAnna, hopefully we will be able to adjust my meds and I will get to feeling better. I don’t know. But I REALLY hope so.

Random Thoughts #1

I have decided that I am going to come here and post my random thoughts instead of always sharing them with hubby who gets sick of hearing my crazy.

Random thought I had today: my EMG checking for carpal tunnel is over, I can start scratching/cutting my arms again because I won’t have anyone (professionally) examining them. But then I remembered that my hip surgery is in only 12 more sleeps, and they always ask that pesky question about open sores, and there is the risk of MRSA if I am all scratched up. Darn it, I am going to have to continue to keep trying to cope with my crazy by stuffing it in and corking it up for a little while longer….

How messed up is that, instead of counting down the days till my hip will no longer hurt I am counting down the days until I can hurt myself again. I think I need a lot more work in therapy….

I Had a Bad Day

As I was typed that title, the song came to mind.  I’ve always liked that song, not sure why.  But every day when I have counseling I listen to it too LOL. 

But today was bad. I’ve talked about it all already but here is some picture proof….

A bruise on my hand from falling that hurts like crazy and my ankle with ice on it. 

And where I scratched today 

I didn’t scratch too bad today – im proud of that it could’ve been much worse- but thankfully I pretty much used my avoidance technique of sleeping most of the day. 

Here’s to a better day tomorrow.  I get to see my med doctor and Pollyanna. 

It’s Not even Noon and I am ready to QUIT!!!

The day didn’t start well.  And it just got worse from there. I set an alarm for 7:45am since Big One’s worker was coming at 8am and I needed to be up. However, I shut off the alarm, and intended to get up, but the hydroxyzine is kicking my butt and making it hard for me to get up in the morning. All of a sudden a really loud horn goes off and I jump out of bed realizing it’s 2 minutes till 8.  I quickly wake up Big One and I come downstairs and I unlock the door and start the coffee pot.  I head back upstairs wake up Big One again and get dressed.  I come down and the worker comes in and Big One finally gets himself downstairs.  I eat my breakfast and I drink a cup of coffee.  The worker and I discuss feminism and current events, while Big One showered.  All of a sudden all 3 dogs come running downstairs which means Hubby is usually up, I wait a minute and he doesn’t come down.

By this point the meds mixed with breakfast have wreaked havoc with my digestive system and I need to get to the bathroom NOW.  So my plan was to go up, use the bathroom and put the dogs out, even tho it’s hubby’s job.  By the time I come downstairs (less than 5 minutes), I come into the dining room to a large dog mess on the floor, I get extremely irate because it really affects my OCD but I walk into the kitchen and find another. Half on the rug, half next to the rug.  The dogs are acting crazy (I have 2 80lb plus dogs, and a 50ish lb dog) and one dog is smashing the poop into the rug and the floor.  I am hooking them onto their leashes as quickly as possible.  Big One comes out of the bathroom himself and he’s going to take the smaller dog.

I open the door and one of the big ones gets away from me, I holler his name and he turns to look just as the other big one (the barky somewhat aggressive one) notices a girl walking to school.  He takes off as I am reaching for the leash I lost.  And all of a sudden I am pulled down three steps.  I land hands first, twisted left ankle and something hurting my right hip onto the driveway that’s decorated with chicken poop since our chickens spend most of their day in our driveway.  As you can imagine someone with germ OCD is now in full panic mode, I was angry, embarrassed, hurting, and panicking.  We get the dogs to the other side of the house (me and big one) tie 2 of them to the caribeener and they all poop again (WHAT HAVE THEY BEEN EATING???)

Of course this is the best time for the mail truck to pull into the driveway right? OF COURSE.  So Big one gets the mail, I hold off the aggressive dog as he’s ripping my arm out of the socket. When the mail truck is gone I go clean up all the poop in the house. I come out, make sure the outside poop is cleaned and we all go inside.  I go to my bedroom get undressed, crying hysterically. I threw everything in the laundry even though my undergarments didn’t touch anything, it all felt contaminated. And I showered.  I wished I had had a knife in the shower I wanted to cut so badly.  I don’t think I had wanted to that bad in a very long time.

After my shower I got dressed in outside clothes and I decide to leave the house.  Big One needed shampoo and I needed to get mother’s day cards.   So I went and did that, and then headed over to dunkin donuts.  I got a vanilla chai and I sat in their parking lot for at least 30 minutes, writing out mother’s day cards, balancing my checkbook and listening to my book on tape.  I wanted to be anywhere but home.

Finally I headed to the post office to mail the mother’s day cards and the bank to cash a check and headed home reluctantly.  I changed into inside clothes and finished balancing the checkbooks, and now am blogging this awful morning.

I feel like my life is a series of unfortunate events.  I really don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel and I am just tired of living this life. My counselor’s homework this week opened a rabbit hole that had been closed for a couple of decades and I opened pandora’s box last night and wrote about it. It was such a defining moment in my life, that I have never talked about with any of the 5 counselors I have had, that only hubby knows about- and he doesn’t even have all the details that I am sure that’s being carried over today.

What I wrote I may share here on the blog I am not sure.  Hubby asked me if I was sure I wanted to put it all out there, but maybe the only way to be free of all the things in my past that are literally killing me is to let them out in the air, to face them head on.

I don’t know.  All I know is that today I am exhausted, that I am tired of life.  That I just want to go to sleep and wake up when all of this is OVER.  And by this, I don’t even know what I mean.

So that’s all for this post I think I have had diarrhea of the mouth enough for now.