875 cuts on my arms.  Plus “NO 175” carved on the soft inner skin of my right arm. 175 2 Times on my right arm and 175 3 Times on my left.  One set of 175 to count the number of days little one has school. 1 set wasn’t enough.  2 wasn’t either.  I had to keep going like a compulsion until the outer pain trumped the inner. But it doesn’t really.  My heart hurts tonight.

Little one is so excited.  She can barely contain herself. Im happy for her- she’ll never know how much I hurt tonight.

I hope my husband doesn’t hate me…. he hates it when I hurt myself.

I Wish….

I went after myself with the safety pin again tonight, the one I cleverly keep hidden so no one will find it. But you know what I really wish, is that instead of my husband getting angry that I hurt myself again – maybe angry is not the right word frustrated I wish he would see each mark for what it is- a pain, a hurt, a word I say in anger, a punishment for things I do wrong. I wish he could look at them and see my pain – the pain I have no words for.

I want another coping mechanism but no one has helped with that so far- an elastic on the wrist is hardly scratches and cuts.

For those of you curious – my children NEVER see my cuts.  I hide them well. And they won’t ever see them.

The words spell out “Just Like Him” meaning my dad.  I feel like my kids feel they aren’t good enough for me that I somehow think that they should be better – smarter, better listeners, better behaved…. I don’t know it’s probably projection but it’s how I feel it’s a pain, it’s hurt, it’s a scar.

I guess it’s a good thing I see PollyAnna and Mary Poppins tomorrow- we have a lot to talk about.

Bad Mom???

Here I am sitting in the car my daughter soccer game/practice. I know that I should get a lawn chair out and go sit and watch her play but I want to just sit in the car maybe read, or listen to an audiobook or maybe even scratch. I’ve been feeling the urge all day,  trying to decide if I want to or not. I think it’s crazy that I can control whether I do it or not It’s not an in voluntary thing I make the decision and I do it.  

Who Would consciously decide to hurt themselves what kind of person what’s wrong with them in their head why does the pain matter it’s not like the pain you feel of the depression or the anxiety or the OCD with the PTSD or what other acronym you want to use it goes away… And then there is the fact that I don’t know if I’m sinning.  That’s a lie, I know I’m sending I am defacing God’s temple because God said our bodies are a temple. But I don’t stop . The scrapes and scratches and scabs from the last time ate going away and I think that’s part of why I want to do it again because I need them there to remind me of the pain somehow I don’t I don’t even know.

I haven’t talk to my dad and days we didn’t leave things in a very good note I don’t know if I should call him or not I did hear through the grapevine that he still in the hospital and has not been released to the Long-term care facility, I don’t know if that’s his doing or if there is or if he’s too sick. I just don’t know if I should call him I get a pit in my stomach every time I think about calling him, but part of me thinks it’s the right thing to do. But he Always messes with my mental health, so the survival instinct in me doesn’t want me to call… Stay tuned for when I decide to do. 

I’m happy news my blog now has 100 followers.  100 People read a blog that I wrote and decided to follow me. That makes me feel good.

Super Woman

A comment was made on my blog that I should stop trying to be Super Woman and be human.  That person is so right- but easier said than done.  I have always been a people pleaser, and that includes my children so I do everything I can to keep them happy- even if it means overindulging them from time to time (fine line so they aren’t spoiled).  With my family- I go to every function I’m expected to even if it means I have to rearrange my day. I am also a perfectionist and a worrier. 

Perfectionism and worrier DO NOT go well with homeschooling.   There is the constant wonder if you’ve chosen the right curriculum if you’re doing the right things if you’re teaching them with they need to know if you’re doing it the right way if there is a right way if they should even be homeschooled with they get more out of public school but then if they went to public school with their issues they be labeled behavior problems or be in special ed and I saw how that went with my son I still have PTSD from it and what will they come in contact with that schools for his germs and that would really trigger my OCD and what will they come in contact with regards to bullying? That was a huge run-on sentence my grammar teacher would slap my hand but I’m using speech to text because I’m having some difficulty with my right hand being sore from surgery.

I constantly second-guess myself with every decision I make and sometimes I’m so paralyzed I can’t make a decision and those are the days of the retreat and my home and sleep which is setting a poor example for my children which is another reason for them not to be here insert Long sigh here. 

My father is mostly to blame for all this he expected perfection and when he got anything less there were consequences. And now I haven’t talk to him for at least for five days so I heard from the grapevine he still in the hospital and I should call him but now I’m scared that he’s going to Yellit me for not calling him. Scared. Me, and almost 40-year-old woman afraid of 110 pound man that’s dying. How does he still have such a hold on me even all these years later.

I’m really having a day where I having an urge to scratch usually it’s brought on by an event or an argument or something like that but today I just want to scratch and scratch and scratch and scratch I don’t know if I’ll make it through the day and not scratching or not but it’s how I feel I guess that’s it for today. 

 until next time

Am I the only one?

Am I the only one who feels. Like they are failing at this parenting thing?  Am I the only one forgetting to extend grace and yelling instead?  Am I the only one who often dreams of running away- but knows she’d miss her kids and husband too much? 

I have had a bad couple weeks. Depression is weighing me down like an anchor. Anxiety, OCD and intrusive thoughts run my life. I am severely lacking in short term memory….. so much so my sister noticed. 

Shouldn’t I see some improvement? It’s been like 9 months. And nothing, worse if anything. I’m so sick of being like this. Mood swings, anger, sadness, apathy, panic… what’s it going to take to make it go away?????

I’m a bad Christian

I say that I’m bad Christian because when times get tough we’re supposed to turn to Christ for strength, we’re supposed to let him carry our burdens.  But I don’t. I brood. I get anxious. I get angry. I get frustrated.  I get depressed. 

Tonight I scratched- found that a safety pin does the job way better than keys. I did both sides of both arms and on the inside of my right arm I scratched Just Like Him. 

I feel like all these feelings are going to make me just like my dad.  I won’t let it happen. I won’t. 

I know I need to pray.  I know I need Jesus, but I feel like I’m Peter sinking in the waves because my eyes are off Jesus. I need prayers.  I need to focus on Him and not on the crap around me. 

What do you do?

What do you do when your kids appear to hate you?  They don’t listen to you I don’t do it you ask they ignore you it’s almost like you’re invisible when you’re talking to them? We homeschool as I’m sure I’ve mentioned before my daughter won’t do her work for me so that her day she doesn’t even do school my son says his is done but then I find out he lied I’m overwhelmed, and on the verge of a breakdown I feel like our schedule is overbooked but 90% of it is school or therapy related and we can’t cut her therapies because we cut our therapies in the problems will intensify I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place and I want to just beat my head against the rock until I stop moving.