Today is one of those days. You know the one, where you feel like nothing you do is right, where you feel humongous, and just all around unhappy?
Tonight as I sit here in my recliner, I feel so fat. I am the heaviest I have ever been in my entire life. That’s doing wonders for my self esteem. I hate myself. I am sick of being in my own skin. And yet, I don’t have the energy, or motivation to make even small changes. And because of injuries, I am not cleared to exercise. So yeah. I am a beached whale.
I do my best to avoid having to leave the house, between the germs of flu season, the possibility that I might see someone I know and have to do that song and dance of “hi, how are you?” “Fine, you?” When you really want to say, Im not fine, in fact life is pretty sucky right now.
I was lucky that last week I had an escape from reality with my brother, because without that I really don’t know how I would feel.
Tomorrow, I have to fire my therapist, I found one closer to home, and I never really liked the one I have- but I still have major anxiety. Im worried she will be upset with me. Thats my biggest fear with everyone pretty much. Comes from an abusive parent.
Then I have med management, get to tell her that my meds are doing diddly. I really don’t feel like I am getting better, ever since getting back from vaca I have been sad, mad, irritable, angry, or exhausted. I am sleeping like crap, unless I sleep during the day. I feel like I am back to the way I was a few months ago.
And finally I have to go to an IEP meeting for my son. He has been homeschooled the past 5 years, but before that he went to school in a different district, and we fought and fought for what he needed, and I am still freaking out about it even though it’s a different district, it’s giving me major PTSD trigger. The last time he was in public school it was a horror story. IEP violations, mediation, a formal complaint against the district (they were found guilty of 7 counts), attending an IEP meeting the day that I got out of the hospital from having my appendix and gall bladder out and the special education director screaming at me because we were disagreeing. After that, I took him out of school and homeschooled him for five years. This year AB (what I call after breakdown) I had to send them to school, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I was too irritable, too exhausted, too depressed. I hate that I made that decision. I hate that I couldn’t do what I wanted. Even though it’s been wonderful for my little one, she is thriving and has made so much progress. But big one, he’s suffering. And I already have ill will towards the current school. Big one’s case manager at school has done nothing to help him with this transition. He has dropped the ball in so many ways. My son’s therapist is so angry about the whole situation. He works at the school two days a week so he sees what’s going on there. I already feel like I am on the defensive. If I am honest, I don’t think we will “win”. They already lied to me at our first meeting when I said his diagnosis automatically qualifies him for an IEP, and they said that wasn’t true. I went through this with the last school, and finally brought a copy of the statute in with me and they admitted it was true. I don’t know what will happen if they don’t do anything. I don’t have the same fight in me I had 5 years ago. And what REALLY sucks, is even IF we get everything we are asking for, which is very reasonable, they have 45 SCHOOL days to implement it. That’s the end of March/beginning of April. Well woohoo they won’t HAVE to do anything until the IEP is written, meaning the year will be almost over. Whole lot of good that will do. I am sick of bureaucracy, and paper trails and documenting every single thing.
My dad is back in the hospital AGAIN, he is very cagy as to why he is there, probably to make me worry more. He calls me multiple times a day, sometimes sweet as pie, and sometimes raving and ranting about his medical care etc. Like tonight he kept me on the phone for an hour while he ranted on and on about how the people at dialysis avoid him like the plague, they get upset when he has to use the toilet while he’s being treated. But if you knew my dad, you would understand why they do that. One minute he is the most charming man you would ever meet and then he turns on you unexpectedly. He’s a narcissist, textbook case. I never know which dad I will get when I answer the phone.
And the icing on the cake? One of my closest friends seems to have dropped me. I don’t know if it’s because I am not homeschooling, or if it’s because she’s tired of me being depressed/anxious etc. When I message with her she is short, when I saw her today she barely said two words to me. She hasn’t said anything, it’s just a vibe I am getting. Hubby says it’s all in my head, that I only see the worst in everything, and while that’s true, I also know my friend. And I know I need to stop thinking about it, and obsessing about it, because there’s nothing I can do about it. And I do have a really good friend who loves me, no matter what, she is supermom. She is raising eight kids, homeschooling them, taking them to all their activities. She always seems so calm and chill. I want to be her when I grow up.
I know this was a downer of a post, but I can’t help it. I am literally sick to my stomach over all of this, and mostly tomorrow. I am having a hard time seeing past tomorrow, I am not sure how I will make it through the day.
If you read all this – thank you, and you’re amazing.
Until next time.