I got groceries alone, and I am really thinking I need to disappear…

Hubby and I made a deal, if I did the grocery shopping he would wash all the eggs we had waiting to be washed. I agreed to the deal and then remembered he would have washed them all anyway. CRAP! But no takebacks. So off I went to Walmart.  As usual I put my reusable bags in the bottom of the cart whenI walked in so when my cart was overfowing (literally – we try to shop a month at time for things other than perishables)….So I had to dig through the cart to get those out. Fun times.  And I hate the way people look at me when my cart is overflowing. Take a picture it’ll last longer…. they probably do and I am on the people of Walmart site somewhere.  Once I finished Walmart I went to the local grocery store for meat. We don’t buy our meat at Walmart.

So I get home and one child ignores me and the other hollers at me.  I said maybe it would be better if I were gone.  And I wasn’t kidding.  I am so tired of being disrespected, not listened to, and ignored. I want to run away.  Part of me wants to go empty all our accounts and take off.  You know, I would settle for a full night, and full day alone in a motel with no one talking to me, no one bothering me, no one ignoring me. But that’ll never happen. So my next wish is to be sick or hurt enough to go to the hospital for a day or three.  Have meals brought to me, lay in bed and sleep as much as I want without people poking me awake.

Mary Poppins asked me about self harm the other day.  I told her I have been thinking about it a lot, especially since I can’t turn to junk food anymore if I am going to follow what the endocrinologist wants…. and I don’t want to end up like dad. But I told her I would be having my other hand done soon so I have to wait.  She joked that she was going to keep me scheduled in surgeries indefinitely …. I got plenty she could schedule- weight loss, skin removal, breast reduction, tonsillectomy, fix my other hip, lobotomy…ok that last one was a joke.

Im tired. And it’s not lack of sleep tired. I’m worn.  And I have to spend tomorrow with my mom and step dad. It’ll be the first time I have seen him since “the text”. My husband wants to punch him out… Thankfully I know he has more self control…. I hope.

 

Perseveration

Perseveration: VERB: To repeat or prolong an action, thought or utterance after the stimulus that prompted it has ceased.

Big One has Aspergers, high functioning Autism, whatever the buzz word of the time is.  He is the King of perseveration.  However, he learned this activity from somewhere, and that’d be me, the Queen.  I have not stopped thinking about that hurtful text for one minute since I got it on Friday morning. It’s constantly nagging at my brain.  It’s at the forethought of every interaction with my children.  It’s dictating how and what I will do to celebrate my daughter’s birthday.  It’s even crept into the dreams I’ve had between fits of sleep.

I don’t know how to rid myself of this poison.  It’s almost as if my brain ceased to accept new information after Friday July 21st, 2017 at 11:09am.  I’m stuck in an endless loop of thinking about this text, about what was said, analyzing what’s truth and what’s ignorance.  Im stuck in sadness, hurt, rejection and anger. I can’t think about anything else.

Talking to this person, will do no good.  Talking to their significant other may help, or may make it worse, because they could go either way- agree with them or disagree with some or all, or they could do what they do best, avoid and withdraw (hey I had to learn it somewhere).

This is my only outlet.  I am trying to put on a mask, I don’t want hubby to know just how badly I am feeling, I already had to make him promise not to text this person. I’d like to talk to my sister, but she has her own life to lead and we have talked this to death. And my brother already has a complicated relationship with this side of the family I don’t want to make it worse.

I feel so alone. I feel betrayed, rejected, sad, hopeless and helpless to change the situation. Just when I thought I might be clawing my way out of the pit, they took their workboot, put it on my face and pushed me back down to the bottom of the pit.

I have no memory left, naps and something good to report

Memory first….today I forgot little one had karate. I woke up this morning reminded myself it was karate day and promptly forgot. oops!  I am also pretty sure Mary Poppins told me to call her last Friday and I didn’t remember until today.  I have asked my husband the same question 3 times in the past hour and a half. What is wrong with me????

Naps- I am really tired of people telling me that I can’t nap.  I get that it’s messing with my sleep cycle, I was staying up till 3 am and then napping during the day.  But I am literally bone weary tired, and can’t seem to keep my eyes open.  I napped 2 hours today, it felt so good! But I do need to try to not nap so much.

Now on to the good- I read a book. An honest to goodness book.  With words.  Sure it was a short story, but still.  The reason this is a good report I haven’t been able to read a book since my breakdown. I have listened to plenty of audio books but actual reading can’t hold my attention long enough.   I was so happy. It helped that it was the latest in my favorite short story series (Gertrude Gumshoe series by Robin Merrill – Check it out on Amazon, it seriously is awesome) Actually every thing she has written has been awesome. Grace Space, Shelter, Daniel. AndGertrude makes an appearance in all of them.

Well can’t type much not supposed to use my surgical hand too much….. until next time

First Post Since Surgery

My carpal tunnel surgery was more involved and less involved than I expected. I am still feeling pain in the incision and as I am typing I can feel a little pulling at the site. But my fingers are already less numb. I am so excited for them both to be done and not feel any numbness and be able to do the things I want to do.

As for my emotional health…. at least and then napping during the day. I have been staying up till 3am (I take all my ills plus 2 percocets at 11pm)  I know Mary Poppins told me to stop napping but it’s just not working.  I am working hard today to not nap but I feel like I need toothpicks for my eyes. So I am still sleeping through the day. I am not really any better. My anxiety is under control thanks to Valium, however my depression is the same, and my diet sucks.  Lunch was a chocolate Twinkie. Wohoo.

Well I don’t want to over use my hand so Until next time…

Day 1 of no naps- FAIL

Shortly after my last post while watching Harry Potter, I drifted off to sleep.  I slept less than 15 minutes, but still a FAIL. I can’t even follow the directions for one stupid day.

I ordered Chinese for supper because hubby was packing up his shop and I can’t stand long enough to cook, but also in true “me” style how was I going to walk from the car to the take out place with my walker and back with the paper bag. Dummy.  So my decision? Go without my walker, my crutches and I couldn’t use my wheelchair they don’t have a wheelchair accessible entrance.  So I walked.  And of course there was no parking right out front so I had to park a little ways away and walk.  I must’ve looked drunk trying to hobble to the restaurant and back. Ah well.  We had dinner and it’s almost bedtime. I for one can’t wait for today and tomorrow to be OVER.

What a day already….

My morning started at 1:00 am having to pee. After navigating and entirely dark room on crutches as not to wake up the husband I got to the bathroom did my business and made my way back in and then proceeded to lay there for an hour and a half where sleep eluded me. I read some blogs, peruse Facebook to see if any of my eastern time zone friends were awake, they weren’t. I put my phone away, tried saying the alphabet backwards spelling things doing all the things that I do to try to get to sleep until finally at 2:30 AM I woke hubby up and told him my ankle was killing me. Dutifully he got up and got me an ice pack and helped me get comfortable, I felt like such a burden waking him up when I knew he needed to get up early for a doctors appointment. After about another half an hour I fell asleep.

Only to be woken at 8 AM by my husband letting me know that big one had woken up sick in the night at camp and was in the infirmary and he would pick him up on his way home from his doctors appointment. I called the camp to see how he was doing and predicted strep over the phone. Come to find out when he picked him up hubby found out that his bunk mate went home with strep yesterday. They are now at the pediatricians office. 

Not that money is everything but this camp cost $220 and I spent close to $200 in clothes for him to go with neither of us working this was a hardship but something that he desperately wanted to do. Now that he’s home he can go back after he’s been on antibiotics for 24 hours. However he doesn’t want to go back. He hates it, there was a disabled child who had a seizure that extremely upset my son probably because he knows he had seizures as a baby and he now knows what he went through I don’t know for sure… 

He was also part of the literature distribution group and they went into the not so savory part of the big cities nearby and he saw things that he’s not used to junk people people wielding baseball bats people open carrying. Hubby and I explained to him that many people he loves and respects open carry that there’s nothing wrong with that but that we can understand his fear going into an environment that’s uncomfortable. We are not going to force him to go back. It’s difficult to tell with him while he’s ready for and what he’s not ready for, he may be 14 on the outside, but on the inside he is not he is developmentally delayed due to his autism, and anxiety. His bipolar doesn’t really play apart I don’t think in that but I wouldn’t be surprised if it makes him cycle one way or another.

So After all of this I decide I need to clean out my email inbox I have five different email accounts and I went through and accidentally deleted over 30,000 emails some of them were emails I still needed blogs I hadn’t read yet things I still need to take care of as well as bills to be paid that are always in a special folder. Hopefully I’ll be able to remember all the bills that need to be paid the first of this month.

Still no word on hubby’s disability we’re just gonna have to keep waiting. I’m feeling quite overwhelmed today, and my houses a mess, and my rabbits have not been changed for well over a week I’m going to have to ask my husband to do it when he gets home because I can’t stand to smell them anymore.

I’ve bitten my nails down to the quick and bitten my cuticles to the blood I need to feel better, Mary Poppins that I could call her this week if I needed her and she would fit me in but all I can think of is what is she going to do, I’ve been seeing her for six months and according to her I’m worse so what was going in a week early do for me? Instead I’ll continue to count the sheet rock screws in the ceiling because I feel like doing nothing else. 

 

Until next time…

It may have been a mad day…

But it’s a sad night.  It’s 1:23am. I took hydroxizine and a Percocet hours ago.  I feel no sleepiness.  I’m watching tv and catching up on the blogs I didn’t read while I was recovering and on Percocet regularly.  

I feel sad, no particular reason- but is there ever really a reason with depression? I know my lack of being a good mom- typing on my phone lacks the strike through – Mom I want to be (is more accurate) but that’s not all. I don’t know why I just feel on the verge of tears. 

I have been missing Big One – away at Leadership Camp hoping he’s doing well AND having fun.

They called today to schedule my first carpal tunnel surgery, could have done it this Tues but I have to be off the blasted crutches.  They are killing my hands, and I’m tired of being dependent on others for everything.  So July 13th it is.

I’m back to cocoa pebbles for every meal, though I’ve added Trader Joe’s fruit leather to my repertoire.  I’ve been forgetting to eat, I’m not eating enough yet still gained 12lbs in 14 days.  I’ll tell you that’s definitely a part of my sadness. Bigger than even when I gave birth. Yes, it appears I have a thyroid issue, but that’ll make losing weight even harder. I don’t know if I have it in me to put in the work. I don’t have any fight left in me…

I need to call Mary Poppins- too much sadness, too much anger, not enough sleep.

Until next time..