Treatment #5

Today was ECT number 5.  I don’t know if I feel any different – well that’s not true- I know that I have much higher anxiety, that I can’t remember hardly anything at all, big one came home talking about French class today and I couldn’t remember that he took French in school.  That’s something that happened long before ECT so it’s obvious that ECT is effecting more than just the current memories I am making- or not making as the case may be.

I guess I can see some differences, but most of them have an explanation- like I haven’t been as irritable with the kids, but 1. I am too tired to be irritable, and 2.  I just don’t have  the energy to be irritated.  It seems to me the those are symptoms of depression.  I don’t know. I was telling my new counselor yesterday that I feel like a faucet was shut off.  Not only do I feel numb much of the time, I am anxious and can’t remember anything.

But I am worried that I won’t know if/when the ECT is working.  I was talking to the Psychiatrist today about how long I have had depression, and if I am being honest I have been depressed on and off most of my life, even as far back as childhood, so would I even know what feeling good feels like?  And when my anxiety is elevated to this level (you know that feeling like before you have to give a big presentation? Or know you are in trouble? That pit in your stomach? I have that 24/7 lately.  And my anxiety is always louder than my depression.  In fact when I was first diagnosed depressed I didn’t believe the doctor, I thought I was just very very anxious with PTSD and OCD, but once I was finally getting my anxiety treated I saw the depression.  And I can tell you right now my anxiety is as high if not higher than it was when I started getting treated for it.  So it’s hard for me to see anything but that.

Well I guess that’s all, I am sure I had more to say but I can’t think of it, and my stomach is doing flip flops so I need to try to distract myself.

Until next time.

Super Woman

A comment was made on my blog that I should stop trying to be Super Woman and be human.  That person is so right- but easier said than done.  I have always been a people pleaser, and that includes my children so I do everything I can to keep them happy- even if it means overindulging them from time to time (fine line so they aren’t spoiled).  With my family- I go to every function I’m expected to even if it means I have to rearrange my day. I am also a perfectionist and a worrier. 

Perfectionism and worrier DO NOT go well with homeschooling.   There is the constant wonder if you’ve chosen the right curriculum if you’re doing the right things if you’re teaching them with they need to know if you’re doing it the right way if there is a right way if they should even be homeschooled with they get more out of public school but then if they went to public school with their issues they be labeled behavior problems or be in special ed and I saw how that went with my son I still have PTSD from it and what will they come in contact with that schools for his germs and that would really trigger my OCD and what will they come in contact with regards to bullying? That was a huge run-on sentence my grammar teacher would slap my hand but I’m using speech to text because I’m having some difficulty with my right hand being sore from surgery.

I constantly second-guess myself with every decision I make and sometimes I’m so paralyzed I can’t make a decision and those are the days of the retreat and my home and sleep which is setting a poor example for my children which is another reason for them not to be here insert Long sigh here. 

My father is mostly to blame for all this he expected perfection and when he got anything less there were consequences. And now I haven’t talk to him for at least for five days so I heard from the grapevine he still in the hospital and I should call him but now I’m scared that he’s going to Yellit me for not calling him. Scared. Me, and almost 40-year-old woman afraid of 110 pound man that’s dying. How does he still have such a hold on me even all these years later.

I’m really having a day where I having an urge to scratch usually it’s brought on by an event or an argument or something like that but today I just want to scratch and scratch and scratch and scratch I don’t know if I’ll make it through the day and not scratching or not but it’s how I feel I guess that’s it for today. 

 until next time

Maybe I am not ready to change? What if I don’t want to- what does that make me?

As I was working on coloring sheet #7 tonight (I am up to owing PollyAnna 9 and I don’t see her until Thursday), I was thinking first that, taking something I enjoy and making it a punishment might be counterproductive.  Second, I was thinking maybe I am just not ready to change.  I didn’t want to do therapy at first.  I have tried it so many times in my life, and I really feel like I never get much out of it, because I suck at change.  I suck at sticking with things and I get very defensive and take everything personally.

I realize the medication alone isn’t the answer, and therapy alone isn’t the answer, that they have to work together – but what happens when I just don’t get it.  I don’t get what her point is in stopping my naps.  Shouldn’t we work on what’s making me want to nap rather than taking away the only coping skill I have?  And I am honestly so dead tired after I leave the house that a hurricane couldn’t wake me up.  As evidenced that I don’t even remember my alarm going off this afternoon.  I set it for the allowed hour and I have no recollection of shutting it off.  Hubby said it went off forever before I shut it off.

I was sleeping in the chair in the living room while little one played, loudly, and watched Boss Baby.  Obviously I was exhausted. So what good is it doing taking that away from me?  But hubby suggested she make me clean a room instead if I nap but that requires energy and motivation I also lack.

Shouldn’t the meds be doing more before we start making big changes? I don’t know just the ramblings of a crazy lady at 11:23pm.

The Apathy is Gone…

The apathy I have been feeling for a couple weeks is gone and now I waffle between angry, frustrated and downright sad- or whats a worse word for sad?

Today at church today the Pastor was reading calls from people to their loved ones on 9/11 and I had tears streaming down my cheeks and I don’t cry in public, heck I don’t cry much at all.  Hubby held my hand and that was a really sweet gesture, it made me feel loved and protected.

We got home from church and I was irritated and sad so I set my alarm for 1 hour for a nap and apparently it went off and I just shut it off and slept another hour- I now owe PollyAnna 9 coloring sheets.  Awesome. It sucks to be punished for doing something you enjoy most.

My kids have been fighting and sniping at each other all day.  It’s a rainy chilly day so that means no outside time and they are stir crazy.

Big one is telling me how I should be parenting little one  I said fine, if you can do it better, go ahead parent her.

I am so tired of everyone telling me what to do, what not to do, how to feel, how not to feel.  How to express myself and how not to. I feel trapped.  This blog is the only place I feel like I can truly say anything on my heart and no one will contradict me, or placate me, or tell me my feelings are wrong…

It’s been almost a year since my breakdown, and I am no closer to being better than the day it happened.  I am so tired of pretending everything is fine.  Im back to telling people “good” when they ask how I am.  Ive figured out the truth no one really wants to know. I don’t want to be around anyone, I just want to stay at home watching TV, sleeping and listening to audio books.  But unfortunately expectations make this impossible. Being an adult sucks.


Been away a couple days…

This was a hugely busy weekend in our family.  TWO parties for my little princess; one with just the 4 of us and one with my family.  The day of her actual birthday went pretty well.  We princess dictate the day so she stayed in her pajamas, watched TV played on her iPad and played with her gifts. Trolls and Shopkins. I still took my nap- infant I was as EXHAUSTED as if I had given birth that day because she wouldn’t go to sleep. It was after 1am before I just told her to come into our bed and she finally slept.  That night wasn’t much better.  When we went to bed between 11 and 12 she was still awake.  In Clonidine XR. So we said come on and sleep with us.

Around 4am I woke up COVERED in pee. Myself and my bed were SOAKED.  So I made little one change and this time remember a pull up and I changed and laid a towel on the bed. When we got up Saturday morning, and realized that big one still had soaked sheet in the washer and something had clogged it, that I had a duvet, sheets, blanket and mattress pad plus big one had wet AGAIN, and people would be at our house shortly, off to the laundry mat I went. $30 later it was all clean and the big stuff dried.  We dried the sheets here. Of course my anxiety was in full force and I decided to give little one a med vacation this week, since my mom will be taking her overnight this week. Then she can’t blame anything on the meds and me ruining her with them.

Saturday night was a church thing, I just didn’t have it in me, so hubby and big one went.  Just as well I was dog tired and didn’t want to talk to anyone else once my brother left (around 7:30).   I showered (for the 2nd time that day) to get the outside off me.  And tried to get little one to bed till after midnight but she finally slept AND stayed in her own room.

Sunday we all slept in and missed church. That was ok with me, I was peopled out. But we did still have a birthday party to go to.  We went, hubby took the kids swimming, and I hung out in the building. We stayed 3 hours, and I was DONE… came home and showered off the outside and as a family we tried to watch guardians of the galaxy two until it was time for hubby to cook dinner. Per my usual MO I went to sleep at least I only missed about 20 minutes of the movie before he shut it off so that he could go cook dinner I ate dinner I surprisingly stayed awake through the rest of the movie and then we all went to bed early except little one who stayed up in her room playing until midnight. I tried something new with her telling her that I would come in every 10 minutes and check on her and that seemed to work because she was asleep before the first 10 minute check in I think we’re going to try that from now on.

Today I have had ZERO motivation. I got up at 8:15 and was napping by 9:45.  I really want another but I have a meeting in 50 mins.  I keep thinking my anxiety and OCD are up (which they are) and my depression is taking a back burner but PollyAnna keeps reminding me that no motivation, feeling indifferent, and sleeping as often as I can is depression.  I don’t have to be crying, yelling, and freaking out all the time to be depressed. 

I’m having my 2nd carpal tunnel on the 5th of Sept and that’s my last scheduled surgery. I’m growing my fingernails out for the occasion when my surgeries and stitches are out- I can finally scratch again.  Mary Poppins wants to keep me scheduled in surgeries perpetually because I won’t scratch if I am due for surgeries because open wounds + hospitals = not a good idea. I know it makes me sound crazy but I need to put my obsessions  and compulsions went somewhere because right now I’m holding them all in and I feel like I’m going to burst because I can’t eat them away because I’m following a diabetic diet that the endocrinologist gave me and I can’t exercise them away because I’m still on restriction for my hip so the only thing I can do is pull out my hair which I don’t have enough hair to begin with so I really need to get it out.

I got groceries alone, and I am really thinking I need to disappear…

Hubby and I made a deal, if I did the grocery shopping he would wash all the eggs we had waiting to be washed. I agreed to the deal and then remembered he would have washed them all anyway. CRAP! But no takebacks. So off I went to Walmart.  As usual I put my reusable bags in the bottom of the cart whenI walked in so when my cart was overfowing (literally – we try to shop a month at time for things other than perishables)….So I had to dig through the cart to get those out. Fun times.  And I hate the way people look at me when my cart is overflowing. Take a picture it’ll last longer…. they probably do and I am on the people of Walmart site somewhere.  Once I finished Walmart I went to the local grocery store for meat. We don’t buy our meat at Walmart.

So I get home and one child ignores me and the other hollers at me.  I said maybe it would be better if I were gone.  And I wasn’t kidding.  I am so tired of being disrespected, not listened to, and ignored. I want to run away.  Part of me wants to go empty all our accounts and take off.  You know, I would settle for a full night, and full day alone in a motel with no one talking to me, no one bothering me, no one ignoring me. But that’ll never happen. So my next wish is to be sick or hurt enough to go to the hospital for a day or three.  Have meals brought to me, lay in bed and sleep as much as I want without people poking me awake.

Mary Poppins asked me about self harm the other day.  I told her I have been thinking about it a lot, especially since I can’t turn to junk food anymore if I am going to follow what the endocrinologist wants…. and I don’t want to end up like dad. But I told her I would be having my other hand done soon so I have to wait.  She joked that she was going to keep me scheduled in surgeries indefinitely …. I got plenty she could schedule- weight loss, skin removal, breast reduction, tonsillectomy, fix my other hip, lobotomy…ok that last one was a joke.

Im tired. And it’s not lack of sleep tired. I’m worn.  And I have to spend tomorrow with my mom and step dad. It’ll be the first time I have seen him since “the text”. My husband wants to punch him out… Thankfully I know he has more self control…. I hope.



Perseveration: VERB: To repeat or prolong an action, thought or utterance after the stimulus that prompted it has ceased.

Big One has Aspergers, high functioning Autism, whatever the buzz word of the time is.  He is the King of perseveration.  However, he learned this activity from somewhere, and that’d be me, the Queen.  I have not stopped thinking about that hurtful text for one minute since I got it on Friday morning. It’s constantly nagging at my brain.  It’s at the forethought of every interaction with my children.  It’s dictating how and what I will do to celebrate my daughter’s birthday.  It’s even crept into the dreams I’ve had between fits of sleep.

I don’t know how to rid myself of this poison.  It’s almost as if my brain ceased to accept new information after Friday July 21st, 2017 at 11:09am.  I’m stuck in an endless loop of thinking about this text, about what was said, analyzing what’s truth and what’s ignorance.  Im stuck in sadness, hurt, rejection and anger. I can’t think about anything else.

Talking to this person, will do no good.  Talking to their significant other may help, or may make it worse, because they could go either way- agree with them or disagree with some or all, or they could do what they do best, avoid and withdraw (hey I had to learn it somewhere).

This is my only outlet.  I am trying to put on a mask, I don’t want hubby to know just how badly I am feeling, I already had to make him promise not to text this person. I’d like to talk to my sister, but she has her own life to lead and we have talked this to death. And my brother already has a complicated relationship with this side of the family I don’t want to make it worse.

I feel so alone. I feel betrayed, rejected, sad, hopeless and helpless to change the situation. Just when I thought I might be clawing my way out of the pit, they took their workboot, put it on my face and pushed me back down to the bottom of the pit.