Today was ECT number 5. I don’t know if I feel any different – well that’s not true- I know that I have much higher anxiety, that I can’t remember hardly anything at all, big one came home talking about French class today and I couldn’t remember that he took French in school. That’s something that happened long before ECT so it’s obvious that ECT is effecting more than just the current memories I am making- or not making as the case may be.
I guess I can see some differences, but most of them have an explanation- like I haven’t been as irritable with the kids, but 1. I am too tired to be irritable, and 2. I just don’t have the energy to be irritated. It seems to me the those are symptoms of depression. I don’t know. I was telling my new counselor yesterday that I feel like a faucet was shut off. Not only do I feel numb much of the time, I am anxious and can’t remember anything.
But I am worried that I won’t know if/when the ECT is working. I was talking to the Psychiatrist today about how long I have had depression, and if I am being honest I have been depressed on and off most of my life, even as far back as childhood, so would I even know what feeling good feels like? And when my anxiety is elevated to this level (you know that feeling like before you have to give a big presentation? Or know you are in trouble? That pit in your stomach? I have that 24/7 lately. And my anxiety is always louder than my depression. In fact when I was first diagnosed depressed I didn’t believe the doctor, I thought I was just very very anxious with PTSD and OCD, but once I was finally getting my anxiety treated I saw the depression. And I can tell you right now my anxiety is as high if not higher than it was when I started getting treated for it. So it’s hard for me to see anything but that.
Well I guess that’s all, I am sure I had more to say but I can’t think of it, and my stomach is doing flip flops so I need to try to distract myself.
Until next time.