Envy.

I get it. I know that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. I know the grass is greener where you water it. I know all the platitudes.  But for today, I am going to let this emotion define the moment.  Envy is real.  Envy is a negative emotion, I get that.  But I can’t lie and say I don’t have envy in me.

Several people close to me are planning trips to see Mickey Mouse, others building their dream house, others the craft room of their dreams, still other making PRs in 5Ks, Half Marathons or Marathons.  Yes I know people show their highlight real.  Yes, I know that God has a purpose for my life, and I am right where I am supposed to be.  But sometimes you just have to acknowledge that your life sucks right now.  That you don’t have your crap together and you are 40.  That you can’t do the things you want to do.  That you are stuck.  I feel trapped.  I feel like things will never get better.  Like I am on a street and no matter which way I turn, no matter what street I go down, I get no where.

I am preoccupied with the thought that at 40 years old I am no where near where I thought I would be.  And the rest of me is preoccupied with my kids growing up.  We are talking driver’s ed, college, with big one, and little one turns 8 soon.  Eight is a big kid.  It won’t be long before she is tired of toys and dolls.  Everytime I think about the passage of time I am reminded of a line from Star Trek Generations:  “Someone once told me that time is predator that stalks you all your life”.  I agree. I wish there were a way to freeze time now and then.  It would make the unbearable days more bearable.

Im really struggling this week.  I probably should’t have written that all out.  But my heart hurts, physically hurts in my chest. I feel broken.

 

A Memory….

I have spent a lot of time thinking about the text I sent to my mother asking her if she was disappointed in me, and her answer.  And it’s brought up a lot of feelings, and memories.

I spent most of my childhood, trying to please people (heck if I am honest I have spent most of my adulthood doing the same thing).  I have to be the rescuer, if I help people, they will love me.  If I do this or that they will be proud of me- and love me.

When I was little I loved to sing.  I watched Star Search faithfully.  I wanted to be a singer when I grew up.  I wish I could say that people forgot to tell me I wasn’t very good- because they did tell me.  My parents told me I wasn’t good enough for Star Search.  The kids at school made it obvious.  I have never lost my love of singing.  I sing everything.  All the time.  But I am very conscious about who hears me.  I haven’t forgotten that I am no good at it. Even at church my worship is muted.

When I was ten years old as a family we went on a Caribbean cruise my dad won as a bonus from work. It was an amazing trip for a 10 year old.  I have some really good memories from that week, but I also have some very sad, dark moments from that trip.  And the more I think about the trip the more it’s marred by these memories that pop up… But only one of those moments is what I wanted to write about today.

The cruise was full.  Looking at the capacity of the ship online, there was over one-thousand people on the boat. Every night there was entertainment.  One night it was advertised there would be a talent show.  I secretly registered.  I didn’t tell my mom until just before we left the cabin for the show and I didn’t tell my dad until I was called up on stage. It was a disaster, I looked out into the audience and I froze, I missed start, and started behind the band.  I was off-key.  Since I didn’t start on time the band ended before I had sung the entire song.

Over the years it became a big joke in my family that I had done this.  My off-key singing, my exit off the stage to tell them I hadn’t finished, my deer in the headlights look as the music started.  All a big joke.  But what I wanted most of all from all of that?  My parents to be proud of me.  If you were to ask them- they’d say they were, they told me they couldn’t believe I would do that in front of so many people.  But they still made fun of me.  The mixed messages over the years has made it one of the single most embarrassing moments in my entire life. Instead of me feeling a sense of pride, instead of remembering my parents being proud, I remember them telling people about it, and getting a good laugh at my goof ups.  I can’t even tell you how many people they relayed the story to over the years in such a way that made me want to crawl under a rock.  Everything I tried to do that I messed up on became fodder not just for the kids at school, but by my own family.  It’s just another memory of not being good enough.  I think about it whenever I sing.

It’s no wonder I don’t take risks.  I don’t do anything unless I know I will be successful.  I don’t do anything that I might make a mistake at.  People will laugh.  People will make fun. People will remember.  Remind me of my grandmother.  My dad’s mother and I were close.  She was the one person that loved me best.  And loved me just the way I am.  I had a poster in my room that she loved, and I gave to her on one of her visits.  It was a monkey, and under him said “when I do right no one remembers, but when I do wrong- no one forgets”. Truer words were never spoken.

While my love of singing hasn’t left my heart, I’d rather die than sing in front of people unless they are the people closest to me in the world- and I will join in with others in public, but I won’t belt it out- that 10 year old girl reminds me every time I open my mouth to sing that people will ridicule me…..

Scratched the itch to feel the burn…

On the way to PT I needed some release. I’m feeling – well I can’t even describe what I am feeling grumpy doesn’t really do it justice. I’m in a a low place, and my brain seems to want to go to places I don’t want it to go.

Like the last time I had my “old” husband, how he was before he got sick, before we lost our house, our car, before little one started having issues, before I had my breakdown. We live fairly close to the mountains.  And I won a weekend away 2 nights in a hotel in a touristy town in the mountains. 3 years ago in October. We hiked, we walked, and hiked some more.

Just a couple of the beautiful scenes we saw….

 

It was a hike we won’t ever be able to do again.  It was a trip we won’t be able to repeat. I have sweet, memorable moments, and some weird ones too but I still feel sad when I think of the trip, it was probably the best trip we have taken in our 22 years together.  I wish I had known it would be the last of it’s kind.

Hopefully we will have other trips and adventures, if his disability is approved without it, life will be hand to mouth forever. But Im getting ahead of myself. That’s too much for today.  Hubby is off getting an xray because now he has neck and shoulder pain, combined with pain and tingling down the outside of his arm and numbness in his 3rd, 4th, and 5th fingers, unrelated to activity so it’s not carpal tunnel. He can just be sitting in the chair and they go numb.  So something else to worry about….

Worry, worry, worry, that’s all I do.

I got groceries alone, and I am really thinking I need to disappear…

Hubby and I made a deal, if I did the grocery shopping he would wash all the eggs we had waiting to be washed. I agreed to the deal and then remembered he would have washed them all anyway. CRAP! But no takebacks. So off I went to Walmart.  As usual I put my reusable bags in the bottom of the cart whenI walked in so when my cart was overfowing (literally – we try to shop a month at time for things other than perishables)….So I had to dig through the cart to get those out. Fun times.  And I hate the way people look at me when my cart is overflowing. Take a picture it’ll last longer…. they probably do and I am on the people of Walmart site somewhere.  Once I finished Walmart I went to the local grocery store for meat. We don’t buy our meat at Walmart.

So I get home and one child ignores me and the other hollers at me.  I said maybe it would be better if I were gone.  And I wasn’t kidding.  I am so tired of being disrespected, not listened to, and ignored. I want to run away.  Part of me wants to go empty all our accounts and take off.  You know, I would settle for a full night, and full day alone in a motel with no one talking to me, no one bothering me, no one ignoring me. But that’ll never happen. So my next wish is to be sick or hurt enough to go to the hospital for a day or three.  Have meals brought to me, lay in bed and sleep as much as I want without people poking me awake.

Mary Poppins asked me about self harm the other day.  I told her I have been thinking about it a lot, especially since I can’t turn to junk food anymore if I am going to follow what the endocrinologist wants…. and I don’t want to end up like dad. But I told her I would be having my other hand done soon so I have to wait.  She joked that she was going to keep me scheduled in surgeries indefinitely …. I got plenty she could schedule- weight loss, skin removal, breast reduction, tonsillectomy, fix my other hip, lobotomy…ok that last one was a joke.

Im tired. And it’s not lack of sleep tired. I’m worn.  And I have to spend tomorrow with my mom and step dad. It’ll be the first time I have seen him since “the text”. My husband wants to punch him out… Thankfully I know he has more self control…. I hope.

 

World Traveler

Ok so this one was written pre-surgery too, just barely 7/13/17 12:17am

I was reading a blog from someone in Europe and it made me think about the dreams I’ve always had about traveling.  

There is so much of this country, and this world I want to see.  I want to see New York City, I want to see the Grand Canyon, I want to see the Rocky Mountains, I want to drive Route 66, I want to go back to San Francisco, I want to see LA.  And Hawaii we can’t forget Hawaii! And that’s just here in the USA. 

I want to see more of the Caribbean. I want to go to Canada.  I want to see France, Spain, Britain, Ireland, Scotland, New Zealand, Australia, and I know there are some more that I am forgetting. 

I don’t know if this is another dream that will die  and not come true or if someday I will get to see all these wonderfully exotic places.  But for now maybe I’ll hold onto the dream for a little while.