For a Change… 

A much longer much more serious post is coming soon but for now- 

I love the smell of a new MacBook in the evening:



Probably a terrible financial decision- like PollyAnna and Mary Poppins said- my self harming compulsions had to go somewhere since I had to stop them for the surgery…. 

Should I? Or Shouldn’t I?

I have been thinking about going public, public in that I share this blog with people in my life.  But I’m just not sure how ready I am for those closest to me to know exactly what’s going on with me, exactly how bad things can get. 

But sometimes I feel like a fraud.  I feel like I share all of this messy life with all of you – people I don’t know – with many of the people who love me the most in the dark…. do they even WANT to know??

I just don’t know.  

Why Did I “Go Public”

My brother said to me “I thought you wanted to be anonymous”, and he’s right, which is why no names of anyone of my family has been used.  But since my posts about masks it’s been knawing at me that it’s time to stop hiding behind my words and “out” myself.  A little at a time but out myself nonetheless.

I Won The Versatile Blog Award! What?

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A blog award? Me?  I can’t even imagine that my tiny corner of the blog world, that I started as a way to process through things I couldn’t in my own head, is getting recognized.  I’m humbled, and grateful.

The Versatile Blogger Award was created to feature and recognize blogs that have unique content, high quality of writing, and fantastic photos. As the web page about the Versatile Blogger Award says: Honor those bloggers who bring something special to your life whether every day or only now and then.

THE RULES OF THE VERSATILE BLOGGER AWARD

  1. Thank the person who gave you this award, and include a link to their blog.
  2. Nominate 10 blogs that you’ve recently discovered or follow regularly.
  3. Share 7 things about yourself that people might not know.

Thank You

Thank You seems like small words for the gratitude I feel to Discovering Your Happiness https://discoveringyourhappiness.com/ for her recognition.  Her blog is an inspiration and a source of solace to me.  She always has the best ideas and ways to help yourself deal with some of your most difficult emotions and ways of thinking, even if I can’t yet find my own inner peace.

I NOMINATE:

7 FUN FACTS ABOUT ME:

  1. I do not like to eat seafood, fish or anything that swims- EXCEPT a tuna fish sandwhich (occasionally).
  2. I hate snow, cold, and winter, and yet live in one of the coldest snowiest parts of New England and have all my life.
  3. I have 1 sister, and 1 half brother.
  4. It took 3 in-vitro fertilizations cycles to conceive my oldest, and my youngest was a naturally conceived miracle baby 7 years later.
  5. I have 3 dogs, 4 rabbits, 5 cats, and 51 chickens (48 hens and 3 roosters).
  6. I homeschool both of my children.
  7. My husband, my father and my father in law all have the same first name.

Again thank you to Discovering Your Happiness for nominating my blog for this award, it made my morning when I woke up and found out!

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It was an honest to goodness good day. 

Sure the day started a little rough with the intrusive memory, but after I got that out, a little crying out and some time alone in the car to reflect, I hit the reset button. 

Came home to a decorated kitchen complete with helium balloons.  Had the sweetest cards from hubby, big one and little one. And a mayo jar vase of fake flowers.  I couldn’t ask for more. 

Then my neighbor texted me to come over for iced tea.  Spontaneous, unplanned- and I did it! Totally out of my comfort zone but I did it! I stayed about 30 mins and then headed home because my inlaws were due to arrive.  And they did about 5 mins after I got home. 

They brought Subway for lunch and it was yummy.  We had a nice visit! The first nice one in a while – very little drama, just some conversation and a walk down to the parking lot so little one could show off her mad biking skills (she’s just learning to ride without training wheels). Mother in law also brought me 3 beautiful plants that after they have finished blooming I can transplant to my flower beds.  

After they left, taking the kids with them, I went on Facebook to find a ton of birthday wishes! It made me feel very loved. 

And after that I opened a mystery package I received today, it ended up being an automatic handsoap dispenser and some Mrs Meyers lavender handsoap. A special gift from a really sweet friend. 

I feel so blessed today.  Today was a good day and that’s 2 good days this week. I’m lucky this week. 

So I wrote this thing…

So I wrote this thing – a manifesto if you will for my counselor about our next session. It legit is about 3 pages, of my ramblings.  I shared it with hubby- I got several raised eyebrows, and at the end he said that’s months worth of therapy right there. 

Then I messaged my sister.  She’s a therapist. I wanted her opinion on whether or not this manifesto as it were was proof that my Valium wasn’t working because my brain is moving so fast. She didn’t have a lot of opinion on that- she doesn’t like Valium and thinks my occasional extra dose is going to ruin my Benzo receptors. She reminded me I can’t medicate all my feelings away, I can’t use my super powers of avoidance and control for this.  I need to go through it all, to get past it all.  If I am honest- that scares the crap out of me.  If I’m honest I want to medicate everything away, all my feelings every last one.  Being a functional zombie appeals to me. 

We also talked about that I would really love is for somebody to walk beside me, and tell me what to do every moment, what to think every step of every day,  what to eat what to wear when to go one to stay but yet I want to control it all to