So little one had OT today. Little One wanted me to come in but I really want her to gain some confidence in that area so I told her I would be in in a while but never came in.
At the end of the session little one likes “talk time”, and her OT today told me she thought it would be a good idea that little one get a therapist or a counselor; because her “worries” are bigger than they should be for a girl her age. She worries about the fact that she wants to marry the boy that lives next door but she’s not allowed to play with him (we aren’t thrilled with their family but we allow them to play- it’s their family who have an issue), she also said “mommy hasn’t reached all her dreams”. That broke my heart. Why should she worry about me. She’s almost 7, she needs to worry about what she’s going to play with next. She is so my mini-me. Worry, worry, worry.
So on the way home I called where big one goes to counseling, and got the ball rolling for a therapist. I hope it doesn’t take long. My poor baby.
Hubby and I were talking about my double brain and I told him that my anxiety used to try to organize it all… and ow because anxiety is muted when it tries to organize OCD yells at anxiety because it’s not organized enough, and this doesn’t go next to that. And then the depression says it’s too much work just leave it- let it be and embrace the chaos and go to sleep. And PTSD is always on watch that OCD not touch certain things even to organize them because that’ll burn. It’s a mess in my head!!!
Whew what a session today. She called me out on every time I avoided, or tried to change the subject.
Today we talked about mom’s non response- which she has responded now. I am still processing the response but it’s better than I expected.
I don’t remember all the stuff we talked about, I was on screech today, jumping from topic to topic until we got to the topic of my brain, and how I feel like it’s separated into two parts. One side is orderly. It’s where I keep this filing cabinet of information, facts, dates, numbers, things I can pull out of a hat to impress people with my knowledge and my intelligence. I need validation and praise. I thrive on it, it’s like a drug.
The other half of my brain is chaos it’s where everything else is. That’s where everything else is. The negative feelings, negative self talk, sadness abuse, avoidance, feeling not good enough etc etc.
And I’m standing between A double yellow line trying to walk in both parts of my brain. My sister calls that ambivalence I call it exhaustion…
I don’t know what I would look like without chaos in my brain, and I worry that I would look like a super Duper control freak if I I only had order, my sister wants to know why order has to equal control and that’s a question I can’t answer. How can it not equal control because in order to have order someone has to set up that order.
Pollyanna asked if I’m ready to live without The chaos and to be honest with you I don’t know.
I slept all day. Not kidding, all day. I was awake maybe 4 hours until about 7pm. I feel like such a slug. I am depressed about it, and angry. Depression begats depression. I slept a ton yesterday too. I’m sleeping my life away.
The good news is little one isn’t sick anymore- hallelujah!
Big one texted me from his youth group trip that he ate wet dog food. All I could think was peer pressure someone putting him up to it so they could tease him later. He said he wanted to and offered but it still bugs me. First of all, touches on my OCD bad! Second PTSD of peer pressure and bullying. I sure hope he was being honest with me. It’s bugging me so bad.
The new med the endocrinologist prescribed is NOT agreeing with my stomach, so I’m going to have to call Monday about That. I see PollyAnna again Monday, I just saw her Thursday but have plenty to talk about….mom still hasn’t replied I don’t think she will. What do I do? Just let it hang there unresolved forever?
Why does all this come to mind at night when I should sleep instead of worrying about it all day???? Blah. Feeling angry and irritated.
For those of you with OCD you are either going to understand this, or the majority of you will read this and think I am a monster.
My youngest, my princess is sick. I have been saying for 2 days it’s strep but daddy wasn’t so convinced. It being Friday I brought her in because I didn’t want to end up in the ER this weekend, and low and behold it’s strep. Mother’s intuition, there’s nothing like it.
Anyway I am walking a very fine line here. I really struggle when someone in my household is sick. I feel compassion, but I have a very hard time caring for them because I am unhealthily afraid of their germs. It’s almost as if I can see the germs passing around in the air, on my stuff. It’s like I want to pack a suitcase and run away until the illness has passed. It’s been such a hard line. I want to pick her up and cuddle her 6 year old self, but my brain has a red alert sound going off. It’s literally like fight or flight mode. I am wiping things down with Clorox wipes, I am washing my hands constantly, she brought me 3 blueberries yesterday and I washed them with antibacterial hand wipes before I would eat them. Yes, it has progressed that far. I won’t let her near my phone, I won’t touch her iPad.
In the end I will probably still end up getting strep, and I will survive it, and life will go on, no one will go up in smoke. But I am literally shaking afraid of these germs floating in our air, waiting to jump on me from furniture, door knobs, sink handles. I wish I wasn’t like this. I wish I could just let her climb in bed with me, but I can’t. I can’t touch the remote until it’s been sanitized, I picked up her toys and immediately scrubbed my hands. I lost count how many times I have washed my hands today. This is a terrible way to live. But I don’t know any other way. And really, it’s strep- not that big of a deal but my brain works like this ebola is the same as strep is the same as the common cold. Literally. My brain is so broken.
Lest you all think I am a monster- I did tuck her in, cover her up, say our prayers, sing out special song, kiss her on the CHEEK and tell her I love her more than life itself- our nightly routine-altered only by the usual kiss on the nose and forehead….. but man I felt like I needed another shower. OCD I HATE YOU!
Submission in a marriage gets a bad rap. It’s not what mainstream media would have you believe. The woman is not a slave, she is not silent, she is not subservient. The man is the head of the household, but they are partners. But sometimes things can’t be agreed upon and unless it’s against the law, or a sin the woman is supposed to defer to the man- and let me tell you since becoming a Christian that’s one of my favorite parts. I always had to make the tough calls, but now that hubby is saved he is the head of the household as well as the spiritual leader of our home. I can hand that hat to him. If you want to know more about what marital submission REALLY is, don’t read mainstream media, go to the source, check out Christian resources. Men and women are equal partners, with different roles. Men and women are different for a reason.
Anyway all that to say, tomorrow is going to be a very long day for me. I have to drop big one at Church 35 minutes away by 8am, and at 11am not far away I see PollyAnna. It doesn’t make sense to go home so I figured I would go to a coffee shop and read, or blog, or catch up on blogs, but hubby- STRONGLY suggested I contact a friend and visit for a while. I put it off until almost 10pm tonight, but I finally submitted and texted her. No response yet. I won’t cry if she’s not available 😉
I also get to see the endocrinologist tomorrow. I am nervous and happy at the same time. I know we need to talk about the thyroid, but I also want to talk about my insulin resistance which is what she used to treat me for. I don’t want to end up like my dad in 18 years.
Today was a LONG day. I had PT, then went to Walmart for some necessities. When I got home little one was too sick to go to the birthday party we had been invited to, so I went. It took some courage on my part to go and socialize AND be outside but I made it, and I enjoyed seeing my friends that I haven’t seen in a while. I am proud of myself.
My mom still hasn’t responded to my email and it’s making me extremely anxious, I want to know what she has to say good or bad.
I guess that’s about all for today. I am sure I will blog tomorrow. Wish me luck for my very long day ahead.
*update- friend texted back going to her house after I drop big one off**
My apologies to all the blogs I follow, I am way behind in reading them! I am trying to get caught up but my kids and appointments have been keeping me so busy. I will read and probably comment on all your blogs. Just give me some time. Big One is off to a youth group trip this weekend, and so I should have some extra time.
Today was CRAZY. First a 45 minute drive to little one’s OT, which she did AWESOME with this time. I am so glad she’s settling into that routine. Then the 2 hour drive to the city to meet up with hubby’s best friend from high school – we see each other once or twice a year. He, his wife and his baby live several states away and it’s a 12 hour drive for us, but he comes up to visit his family who live only one state away. So we meet in the middle. But it was just so exhausting. My hip was sore and my foot was sore from all the sitting and traveling.
We didn’t get home till around 9pm. I paid all our bills for the month of August and now I am watching The Circle, and obviously blogging. I think we are going to change our venue when I finish this because I need to ice my hip and my feet.
PT tomorrow. And Thursday I have PollyAnna, and then there was a cancellation for the endocrinologist so YAY!
Until next time…