How am I spending my Saturday?

In bed. Working on our taxes.  Every year at this time, I wonder how the IRS figures our income to be one thing, but what I know to be what we bring into the house something totally different? Somewhere money is hemorrhaging and it’s before it reaches my hot little hands.

When we hit submit on these taxes we will get a sizeable return, however we will lose the state benefits that we have been receiving.  Yes, we are welfare people.  Judge away. Hate us. Whatever, we are doing what we have to do to survive.   However, I don’t understand how a “gross” income of 12,000 of which I can personally guarantee my checkbook saw maybe HALF of, is considered a livable wage and we can be self-sufficient?  I don’t know what we will do when we lose the help we are getting.

Just another thing to worry about….

Is this normal?

Sometimes when I’m thinking about hurting myself it’s because I’m mad at someone else.  My daughter was just awfully rude and cruel to me.  I stomped up to my safe place (bed) and all I want to do is scratch up my arms because “that’ll show em”.  Show them what? That I’m a loon?  That I hurt myself when they hurt me?  It makes no sense.  I’m sick of my life. 

Do the worst first…

This morning my goal was to get the bills paid.  At the beginning of the month we pay all the recurring bills we have, because we get all our money at the beginning of the month.  I am of the mentality you eat the thing you like least first so that it’s gone, you do the worst assignment first so it’s over with, and so in recent months I started doing that with the bills.  I used to pay them as they came due but it seemed like everyday I was logging into the internet to give more money to someone else with their hand out.

Now I get it, they are our bills, we have to pay them, we spent the money (in regards to credit accounts) we owe it, but it’s so depressing to just keep handing money out left and right and right and left.  So I mustered all my strength and paid the bills (with the exception of electric because I don’t yet have that bill) that will be due this month.  Can we say depressing? My family lives on very little a month, the amount would probably shock you, and to watch so much of it electronically leave our account is even more depressing.

We have some financial stuff about to come up that will cause us to have to live on even less money envery months. I dont know how it will work out, I don’t know how we will make the balance sheet work. Hubby’s back is not getting better, and they have decided on a very conservative course of treatment, which means it could be months, or longer before it’s “cured”- not that it will ever be “cured”.  I don’t know what that means for his business, I don’t know much of anything these days.

All I do know is that I worry constantly.  We have no life insurance, we have no retirement, we have no savings to speak of (unless you count our $150 emergency fund). We own nothing of value that we could sell in a pinch.  We would have to rely on the good will of family (which we have had to do in the past, and let me tell you that is a humbling and humiliating experience- some of which I think has caused me to end up in this pit I am in).

I have come to the realization lately that we will never have anything nice.  We will never have money.  We will never be “comfortable”.  I don’t want to be rich, I would just like to not feel a sense of urgency.  I would like to not have to keep track in my head of how much I am spending at the grocery store on our necessities.  I’d like to take my kids on a vacation. Id like to know that in our old age we will be able to survive.

Yes, some of this is our “fault”.  Some of this is choices we made that seemed right at the time, but in retrospect may not have been the best financial choice (though was clearly the best choice for our family- about 6 years ago my husband took a huge pay cut to go back to school to learn a trade he had always wanted to do, to get out from a job that while it paid well, he never saw me or our children.  This new trade was promising both financially and for time spent as a family.  It was not as financially promising as we had hoped, especially after he got sick, and got laid off.  Then he took lemons and made lemonade and started his own business from the ground up, doing this trade. He turned a small profit his first year in business which from what I understand is very rare in a small business, and his second year (this past year) an even more modest profit.  But now his back threatens all of this. It threatens the very life of the business.  And if he can’t do this what will he do?

I know I can’t get a job.  The children are not in a place where public school would be the best choice for them, and most days it’s a struggle to get out of bed, I can’t imagine having to get dressed and face the public, I think it would be straight to an inpatient unit if it came to that.

I am scared. out. of. my. mind. And hubby, God love him isn’t worried, or pretends not to be.  He said it’ll be fine. How do I tell him to take off the rose-colored glasses and face the music.  That in 2 months we will find ourselves in a position that is NOT good, and we need to start planning for that now. I can’t tell him… because we can’t both have a breakdown right now. I am out of my mind and one of us has to hold it together….. so I worry in silence…. I suffer in silence…. if only my head were silent instead of a string of consciousness that won’t shut up.  All the things that could be, would be, may be, has been, was, and could have been running through it, unrelenting, inconsiderate of the fact that it makes me feel even crazier. Just stop this ride, I WANT OFF.

I lie to my kids….

My oldest, a son, like me suffers from comparison syndrome.  You know you probably have it too, the disease we suffer whereby we compare our looks, our checkbook balances, our talents, our children’s achievements to those around us – and social media makes it oh so easy.  So easy for the “I suck and they have it all together” to seep in.  So during and after lunch today I gave him this pep-talk of how comparison is the thief of joy. Of how he shouldn’t be comparing himself to anyone but himself. How wonderful he is. How he needs to not listen to that little loud voice in his head that tells him otherwise.

But I’m a liar. Or maybe worse a hypocrite. Comparison isn’t the thief of joy, life is. Or at least the choices that you make in your life is. Or at least… For me it is. My doctor recently told me the neuron pathways that get exercise the most are the ones that are the strongest. Mine are the negative self talk, the “I wish”, the “should have, could have, would have”, the self pity.  

If you asked me to name 10 things I like about myself I would struggle, and probably just name the things I think you expect me to say.  How I really and truly feel about myself would probably make you shake your head in disappointment (see even in my own head in my own imaginary senarios I’m a disappointment to everyone).  

The one good thing I can say about myself today is that I am intelligent enough to know the right things to say to my son… it’s too bad I can’t model it for him though- because “do as I say not as I do” has very little power in this world. And even knowing this, even the insight and intelligence I have isn’t enough.  Nothing is ever enough. I.WILL.NEVER.BE.ENOUGH. 

Nothing to say

I feel like I need to write something, I have all these “feelings” inside, but I don’t know how to express them, how to let them out, I just feel stuffed full with sadness.  I want to say something witty, or something cathartic to myself, or something that will help me let loose some of what I am feeling and thinking.

But I just have nothing.  I can’t say anything. I have no words. I want to cry but I can’t.  I want to scream but I can’t. The only thing I CAN say is what I said to Big One’s worker this morning “I don’t know how much longer I can do this” as I motioned around the environment. Did I mean how much longer I can adult? How much longer I can run the house? How much longer I can just survive? Even I can’t answer that question, all I know is that I just feel done.

Nothing is easy.  Nothing brings answers.  Hubby saw the Ortho about his back and the answer was to try another pill. A pill that will make him sleepy, and he works with power tools and heavy machinery… yeah that sounds like a good idea.

I feel like we are on the roller coaster that they are working on when you get on with trepidation and the ride operator assures all will be fine.  As you strap in you realize that there is a huge piece of track missing, and again you look at the ride operator with pleading in your eyes and again he says don’t worry we’ll fix it before you get there… I want off.  I want off this roller coaster. I want to ride on the merry-go-round for a while.  I want to just live a simple life, without so much worry and anxiety.

I want to spend $10 at Amazon on a book I want and not worry that it’s going to break the budget for the month.  Every year, as each holiday passes I think to myself, next year things will be better, I will be able to get my husband something nice for Valentine’s day, or we will finally be able to afford a weekend away for our anniversary, or next year my birthday won’t suck.  And every year, we are worse off than we were the year before.  Life will never get better.  We have no retirement.  Before my husband’s back injury I had no doubt in my mind that his business would be able to get to the point that it would support our entire family, as well as build us a nice retirement nest egg.  And now, I have serious doubts that he will even be able to support us for the next year let alone for the rest of our lives.

I guess I had more to say than I thought but it still doesn’t scratch the surface of how I am feeling.  I feel like there are thoughts swirling around in my head, but I can’t separate them from the vortex that’s going on inside my brain. Maybe tomorrow….

For now I’ve put my pajamas back on, a hoodie with the hood up and my body back in bed. I need to be alone in my sadness.  

I’m starting to share

Last night I finally had the courage to share these posts with my husband.  We sat at the dining room table and I read each and every one out loud to him. Pausing only to cry for myself.  At the end of it all he said how sad he is for me.  How sad he feels that I feel this.  He also said that I should know beyond a shadow of a doubt his life would NOT be better without me.  My response is, of course not, you need someone to do laundry, cook, take care of all of this as I motioned to the house.  He told me it wasn’t any of that, it was that I’m his only, and best friend.  And I cried harder.  All I could think was that he deserves so much better of a wife and friend than I can be.  And I told him “I’m not a very good friend right now”.  His response solidified to me that I’m right – he deserves more- he said “maybe not right now, but I can wait”.  I don’t deserve him. 

And that’s what it all boils down to.  When you peel away what I do in a day, what I look like, when you get to the very heart of me- I truly believe Satan’s biggest lie- “I’m not worthy”. I believe that when I look in a mirror I see someone less than, someone undeserving, someone no one should love. I’m damaged, I’m broken, I’m a burden, I’m high maintenance (emotionally). 

I’m not worthy. Despite Jesus’ soft whispers into my heart I just can’t believe in my own worth.  My deepest prayer right now is “Lord, help me in my unbelief.  Help me see your love.  Help me see me, like you see me”. Amen

Default Emotion Change

My default emotion for so long has been anger.  Any disruption to how my anxiety wanted things to go would be met with anger/irritation/resentment.  This has gone on for years.  I know those around me viewed me as tough on my kids, controlling, grouchy.  But anxiety ruled my life.  And anxiety wanted order.  Wanted everything in my control and anyone who is a parent knows we control next to nothing.   Anyone who is a Christian knows we control nothing at all.  But my facade of control did well to mask the panic behind my eyes and in my heart.  However, after valium made the anxiety monster go away (for bursts of periods of time) a new emotion surfaced. An emotion I haven’t allowed myself to feel for a very long time.  Sadness.  

With sadness comes tears.  With sadness comes heartache (did you know that you heart can literally ACHE?  Because I’ve learned that all too well in the past couple of months.  Sadness makes me feel weak.  It makes me feel vulnerable.  Feelings that a former victim of child abuse avoids like the plague.  I feel the sad, unwanted, rejected little girl inside me, and it hurts. So much.  There is so much sadness and pain.  I don’t want this pain.  I pray to God to take it from me.  I know He will, in His timing, He will use all this for His glory and He’s working all things in Heaven for my good.  It gives some comfort but the pain in my body is real, is relentless and is exhausting.  

My body is exhausted.  My brain doesn’t function like it used to, and my metabolism decided to move at the speed of a sloth on sleeping pills causing me to gain weight at the rate of about a pound a week.  

My new default emotion is sadness.  And as they say the eyes don’t lie. Everytime I accidentally look in the mirror I see the never ending sadness behind my eyes.  My children are being exposed to a mother who is sad and cries daily.  I worry how this will effect them- but even that isn’t enough to shake off this despair. Let’s hope the new meds can do it soon.