If you could do anything….

I should be sleeping I have to get up very early for a big one to have lab work done and a doctor appointment for myself but I found myself scrolling down my Facebook feed as I do more times than I care to admit during the day. And I came across a post from someone that I follow who’s famous talking about her love of travel she was sitting in an arm chair reading a book and will appear to be a rather large library. And it got me thinking to what would I like to be able to do?

My dream is to someday be able to afford to travel. To see new places and different cultures. To see Europe and Asia to go to Australia and New Zealand. To see places in the United States that I’ve never seen like the Grand Canyon in Hollywood and Iowa. I don’t know why I have a love affair with Iowa but it was where was always going to run away to as a child. 

I want to see New York City I want to see Alaska. I want to go to Canada. I want to see Scotland and all the beauty that is be held there I want to go to Ireland and England Italy.

But I’ll be lucky if I ever get to travel more than a couple hundred miles from home it’s just not in the cards I guess it’s time to find new dreams and new wishes.  I guess it’s time to make new plans and figure out what I want out of life.

In three years we will have been married 20 years and we had planned to go back to our honeymoon location but I seriously doubt that’s in the cards especially because we’ve already decided that since little one has never seen Disney World she should get to go there before we get the honeymoon we should’ve had.

It’s really humbling and sad to have to let go of the hopes and dreams and plans you held so close to your heart. This is just another thing that I am losing, another thing that makes me sad, that makes me numb. 

Back to Day 1

I had this post all started about Pollyanna and how she was going to ruin my life, or that maybe big one would because he hit somebody at church today and has been really abusive to me for the past couple of days.

But unfortunately we’re going to have to focus on the fact that it’s back to day one. I had made it almost a month but I gave in to the itch today. 

Counseling today was hard. I finally cried today. I’ve been back to stuffing down emotions.  And I don’t know if it was facing some of the feelings I’ve been stuffing down or talking about stuffing them down or big ones behavior but I cried heaving sobs on the way home.

I am overwhelmed. I’ve just had enough this week. Is it over yet?

How it looks a couple hours later, this is when I get the most gratification- it burns the most

13 Reasons Why

I just finished watching this Netflix original series. I binged it watching 8 episodes Sunday 3 yesterday and 2 today.  

This show if you don’t know is about a teenage girl who killed herself – leaving cassette tapes with 13 reasons why she killed herself.  Someone had recommended it as a bingeworthy show… 

At first it was compelling but the more I got into it the more I was disturbed.  But I couldn’t stop watching.  I saw myself in Hannah (the girl who killed herself), I saw myself in Hannah’s mom thinking about how I would feel or deal if it happened to my child.  I thought about my stepfather who lost his son son to suicide when he was 14 years old.

I thought about all the times I’ve wondered if my friends and family were better off without me, and watching the aftermath, watching how Hannah’s death caused a ripple effect throughout the entire community really hit home to me that no matter how bad things are, no matter how much I hate myself, no matter how much of a burden I feel like I am to the rest of my family and friends that I have to live.  

The ripple effect it would cause, in my family, friends, acquaintances, children, grandchildren it would all blow up – it would blow up my entire world. A world that no matter how hard it is, no matter what my world throws at me I will stay in it.  

It’s funny – today hasn’t been too bad- but then again I got up, and just put my headphones on and watched the show.  But then it was time to rejoin the real world and take the kids to their rehearsal for their play. And now I am just feeling like I need a nap and I want to go back to bed. I think I have figured out that when I am distracted, and alone, that I feel better.  But maybe that’s what depression is like- you feel better alone, doing what you want, without people depending on you.  

I think I’m going to put my earbuds in, listen to my audiobook and hopefully fall asleep for the last 2 hours of practice. 

There was a knock on bedroom door just now (12:45)

So hubby and I were up a little later than usual tonight because I had to watch just one more episode of 13 Reasons Why, and then he wanted to watch the season finale of APB. So we were getting ready for bed, had brushed our teeth, and I was settling in to catch up on my blog reading because despite taking my pill an hour ago I’m still not sleepy… and even more so now.

It started with the top sheet being off the bottom of the bed, I can’t stand it if my top sheet isn’t tucked in, so I go to fix it but the blankets (we had 4 on) were too messed up so I had to strip the bed.  It was then hubby decided we should take a couple blankets off because warmer weather approaches.  Fine. So I take off the 2 fleece blankets and go to put them in our closet.  While I’m doing that there is a small knock on our bedroom door almost so small I thought whether it was a knock or one of the dogs, or my imagination.  With trepidation I said come on, and almost immediately panic rose in my throat and I said “who’s there”? 

A millisecond later little one says me.  She apparently woke up and wanted the hall light on. So I turned it on, problem solved- except my heart was still racing and I was still having an anxiety attack. 

I couldn’t imagine who would knock on my bedroom door at 12:45am and all I could think was a robber. I told hubby, who proceeded to laugh at me, for quite a while.  And reiterate how ridiculous it would be for a robber to knock on our bedroom door “hello, anyone home! I’d like to rob you.” 

But that’s what happens with anxiety and PTSD/OCD you think of the most ludicrous situation imaginable, convince yourself it’s plausible (all in a split second) and then proceed to obsess and freak out over it.  

It’s 20 mins later, I’ve taken a sleeping pill over 1.5 hours ago now.  My heart is still racing and I just woke hubby to ask him if he’s sure all the doors are locked.  Every time one of my 3 big dogs that sleep in my room moves and the heartwood floor makes a noise the fear floods in…  I really am CRAZY.

Grace

In stark contrast to my entry from this morning I am going to talk about something positive grace.

According to dictionary.com there are 22 definitions of the word grace http://www.dictionary.com/browse/grace?s=t.

But the best definition of the word grace I have ever heard came from the husband of my best friend. I can’t remember the exact words, but basically he said it was an unwarranted, unearned gift from a superior.

Grace is what God extended to us all when He sent His son to die on a cross for our sins. Every thwap of the hammer was another one of my sins, and your sins being atoned for. Every drop of blood the proof of God’s love and grace towards us.  There is nothing we did to earn this- in fact we have all done the opposite.  So many times we don’t follow what our spirit prompts us to do.  We try to do things in our own power and sometimes we even wonder if there is a God.

I don’t remember if I have talked about this or not, but I am a recent convert to Born-Again Christianity from Catholicism.  I come from a VERY long line of Catholics, and a very long line of Catholic guilt. When I found the freedom that the cross gave us, when I found out what the empty tomb meant to us, it was like I heard the truth for the first time in my life. My ears were perked and my heart was changed.

But being a Christian is hard.  Whether you believe it or not there is an enemy out there that wants you to doubt.  Wants you to feel alone, wants to feed on your every hurt and insecurity making you believe that God doesn’t care, isn’t there, or worse doesn’t exist.  But He does. This I do know.  Even through all this pain, even through all this anxiety, through all this agony I face and all that my family is facing right now, I know that He is there because sometimes I feel him.  It feels like a warm blanket has been wrapped around me, but there is nothing visibly there, sometimes it’s a thought that couldn’t have come from me.  Sometimes it’s someone doing a pay-it-forward and paying for my order at Walmart and giving me an extra $20.  Sometimes it’s what I call a “Godtervention”, when something happens that keeps something else from happening.

But back to grace.  Grace has been bestowed on us, and we are supposed to bestow it on those around us.  I used to be good at giving grace to others, but horrible at giving grace to myself.  And now I find with all that’s going on I am not as good at giving grace to others, especially those in my family.  I find myself short tempered, irritated, grumpy and resentful of them and things that I perceive as them doing things to irritate me. I am more likely to give strangers grace than I am the people I love the most.

I was never like that before, and that’s something that bothers me. That’s something I miss about the old me.  It’s not that I let everyone walk all over me (ok I did) but I do wish I were better at extending grace to those closest to me like I used to be. I hope that when I find my way through to the other side of all of this, when I am finished with whatever trial this is that God has for me, that I will be a grace-giver.  That I will be remembered as a woman filled with grace that spreads it to everyone around her. I want to give the light of Christ to those around me.

I have work to do.  A lot of it. But I will get through this.  The fact that I am able to say that today is amazing.   Today was a hard day. I spent all day in panic mode, the way that I used to.  I was buzzing, I was hyperventilating, I was shaking, my heart was racing. Valium was like a sugar pill and I wasn’t sure I would make it without having a heart attack.  But by God’s grace I am still here, still breathing and feeling a bit calmer.  The children went to bed with minimal effort, and the house is quiet except for the worship music and the sound of dogs running around.

Today was a hard day.  Today was a bad day.  But by grace I am still here, and by grace tomorrow is a new day. Let’s hope it’s better than today was, but if it isn’t I know who is walking beside me.  I just hope I can remember that through the black clouds, because I would be lying if I said that I always remember He’s with me.  I would be lying if I felt everyday like I was being bestowed grace.  But tonight, I remember it, and I am thankful for it.

Boy I can be a bitch. 

Yikes! What what a title right? I’m just it’s only about 1015 in the morning and I’ve already had my quota for the day.

Last night before bed I was having I don’t even know what to call them intrusive thoughts or intrusive pictures I don’t know when I closed my eyes I just kept seeing things that were scary to me and it was hard for me to fall asleep and I tried to get hubby to tell me a story in hopes that that would distract me but it didn’t. I finally fell asleep.

I’m also having this weird obsessive thought that there is a significance to today’s date that I missing like it somebody’s birthday or I don’t know I just feel like there’s a significance to today and I just can’t find it and it’s causing my OCD to not let methink about anything else
 I had early PT which meant I had to wake up extra early which irritated me PT hurt of course.

I got home and big one his worker and hubby were getting ready to go to his counseling appointment big one’s counseling appointment. Because apparently I am incapable of making a decision as to where in our town big one should be able to ride his bike and walk to because I am trying to keep him in a bubble and be overprotective. 

Well I am one that’s here all day, I know how much he lies, I understand his disabilities, and I think that it’s OK in some respects keep your kids in the bubble a little bit longer. But since the counselor and big one think that I am a little bit biased and incapable because of my mental illnesses, I said I would go our long with whatever hubby and the worker and the counselor and big one came up with.

 Today’s going to be a very long day were supposed to go to playgroup which will be fun for the kids and I’ll get to see my friends but then we have to go straight to play rehearsal for co-op because this is our crunch week we have our play coming up this weekend.

 I’m already in anger mode I have gotten angry because big one forgot his paper for counseling and I had to email it to the counselor even though I reminded him before he walked out the door. I got angry at little one because she was not listening and won’t come inside. I think I just need to go back to bed put my head under the covers and not come out until…forever.

Lazy lazy Sunday.  

Today was a lazy lazy day.  I overslept and missed church.  I was very disappointed in that. I wanted to hear my Pastor’s last sermon before his vacation, and I always feel better when I spend time in the word, especially with my brothers and sisters in Christ. But we got up and I ate my Cocoa Pebbles, and then started binge watching the Netflix Original Series 13 Reasons Why.  Probably not the most therapeutic show I can be watching right now. But once I saw the first episode I was hooked.  It was a beautiful day outside so my family were all outside and I sat on the couch with my ipad and headphones and watched 8 episodes today.

I missed a valium today because my timing was off.  I am feeling a bit anxious tonight, like my body is buzzing.

I did hang out my first load of laundry this year, and I went with my husband and children so that little one could practice riding her bike.  But then I went back home and headed straight to my show.  My hubby and the kids made pizza and part of me wanted to join them but often my anxiety makes the environment tense and it’s easier if I just stay out of it.  So I just left them to have the fun themselves.  I ate one piece of the pizza and then I ate Cocoa Pebbles (of course).

I think I mentioned recently not knowing why I was addicted to my 600lb life…. I think I came up with a theory- I relate to them. I relate to their mental state.  I relate to their food addiction, I relate to their relationship with food. And I worry that I could end up that way.  It’s definitely a big concern of mine, I am gaining weight at the rate of a pregnant elephant. I hate myself. I hate the way I look. I don’t want my husband to look at me, I don’t want anyone to look at me.

This post is awfully all over the place, I can tell I am not medicated. I guess I better post another day…..