My brain eye connection appear to be working for the moment so I will start and update. When I went int surgery onThursday I thought it would be like then a woman hears a funny noice in her car and she brings it to the garage and then there is nothing wrong with it.  But thankfully (?) that wasn’t the case.

First of al this place was punctual.  I mean they said I would be wheeled into surgery I was wheeled in just a moment or two before that time.

That was all typed last  night. My brain and eyes didn’t work well together for very long. I seem to, however, gained back some of my faculties and am able to put a coherent sentence together- for the most part.

I spent another day convalescing on the couch in and out of drug induced consciousness. I tried to go to church this morning, made it through worship music and asked hubby to take me to the car so I could sleep.  He was concerned since the car temp was 92 but I assured him I would be fine.  And I was. I did fall asleep, but I can’t seem to stay awake these days. I honestly believe I am not fully emptied of the anesthesia and then add the Percocet to it….

My other issue is that I have some massive swelling in my leg and foot.  I am a little worried about it and I will be glad to see my PT person on Tuesday. My brace also came all loose today, and hubby tightened it but we aren’t sure it’s where it needs to be.

I wonder how long it will take me to feel a little bit normal.  I am hoping tomorrow to post the pictures that the doctor gave me. But for now, I will describe my surgery:

They pulled my hip out of the socket,  they inserted the arthroscopic tools. The tear of the labrum was large, he was able to repair that instead of getting rid of the cartlidge, he also had to shave the head of the femur down so that it would fit better into my socket.  The final thing he did was to lengthen my psoas tendon.  From what I understand this was a pretty involved procedure, but hopefully I will be able to have some sort of a life again.

I guess that’s all I can handle tonight….. hopefully I will be more myself soon! But I will say valium + antidepressents +hydroxyzine + Percocet = managed depression….. too bad narcotics aren’t a valid solution ūüėČ

Until tomorrow…..

Still in recovery….

Its Saturday morning, and I still don’t feel like the anesthesia has worn off and I can’t focus my eyes on the screen to type. ¬†So it will¬†be another day or two, at the least, before an update. ¬†I just have so much to tell you all about the surgery. ¬†What was wrong and even post some pics. But until this anesthesia has worn off, and I can see, it’ll have to wait.

Talk to you all soon.


Another Interesting Appointment

I was napping this morning because I was exhausted, at 10am…. yeah I know stuff and avoid. ¬†Around 11:45am I got a call from my eye dr that they had had a cancellation and could see me, at 12:15pm. ¬†I said I’d be there. So I change into outside clothes and I hurry there. I fill out all my paperwork and wait. ¬†So we start with the usual read the lowest line etc. ¬†Then the 1 or 2, 2 or 3 etc. ¬†It was weird because I saw double letters of everything far away which was irritating, but a side effect of my meds. The other weird thing was that the one that was clearer was always cloudy. ¬†Then she has me do the close up reading and that I didn’t see double. Then she asked me if I had a driver, since she wanted to dilate my eyes- something she doesn’t usually do- and I said no but I have sunglasses so go ahead. She did, and I had to wait for the 15 minutes…. snore!

So she looks in my eyes, nearly blinding me with what felt like the ray of the sun directly into my eye. ¬†A few minutes goes by and she is done. ¬†She says she’ll input the information into the computer “then we will talk about the results”… talk about ominous for an anxiety ridden person.

She starts out saying my nearsightedness prescription changed a medium amount and that I either need bifocals, or to wear no glasses when I read (which would give me a headache since I do have minimal correction farsighted), or I could get just reading glasses, ¬†Cue me with 2 sets of glasses on chains switching from near to far- SUPER. But then the bomb drops. ¬†I have cataracts. ¬†In both eyes, the right side being the worse, and that everything even with my glasses will look a little cloudy. ¬†She can’t tell me how quickly they will progress, or why I have them so young (39), but I do. AWESOME.

I swear it’s been one hit after another with this family lately. ¬†I really don’t know how much more I can take. Yesterday it’s electro-shock therapy, and today it’s cataracts. Tomorrow, we head to the hotel for my surgery Thursday, but before that, I get to go see my urogynocologist. ¬†I am going ¬†to ask him to run a hormone panel to know where I am at, and see if he will refer me to the endocrinologist. ¬†But who knows if he will. ¬†Fingers crossed there’s no bad news with him tomorrow. Let’s hope that all my bad news for the week is over because surgery is Thursday AM. ¬†If you pray, pray for me, if not, keep me in your thoughts!

Ill post at some point tomorrow about my fun fun gyno appointment. Hopefully I can post nothing eventful!


For a Change…¬†

A much longer much more serious post is coming soon but for now- 

I love the smell of a new MacBook in the evening:

Probably a terrible financial decision- like PollyAnna and Mary Poppins said- my self harming compulsions had to go somewhere since I had to stop them for the surgery…. 

I’m Strong?

I was chatting with someone today who has struggles of her own, and she told me how strong I am.¬† What? Strong? Me? I think she must have mixed me up with someone else.¬† I don’t feel strong.¬† I feel like a big ole ball of mess 99% of the time.¬†¬† I feel weak.¬† Like I should be able to chin up and get over it. But can’t.

Does strong mean something else? Does she see something I can’t, or won’t? I have only ever felt strong one time in my life and it was when I was at the top of my physical journey- and it was physical strength.¬† I could run 5K in 30 minutes. I had leg muscles that made my husband ogle. I did arm work outs and had muscle definition.

But I have never felt emotionally strong.  I have always felt like a faker. I smile through the tears.  I laugh through the pain. When in reality I want to be rocking in a corner.

BUT I am good at being there for other people. No matter how bad off I am, anyone- and I mean ANYONE can come to me, I will listen, I will take their pain on as if it were my own, I want to spare everyone pain.¬† I would take all the pain from everyone in the world if I could, but I settle for my little corner of it.¬† But that doesn’t make me strong, it makes me sadistic- or is it masochistic? It makes me Christian.¬† It makes me reflect Christ’s love.¬† And it makes me crazy.

To me the picture of an emotionally strong person, is someone who can shoulder their own pain without breaking down, someone who can shoulder the pain of others without breaking down.  But I breakdown, daily. I stuff and avoid. Hell, I avoid parenting by sleeping.  How is that strong? Maybe I put up a good front.  Maybe, I have gotten so good at pretending all these years it looks real.

I don’t know.¬† All I know is that I can’t stand to see anyone suffering, and I would do just about anything to stop it.

So now back to me….

Why can’t I stop my own pain? Why can’t I get out of my own head? I know that I am causing some of the pain that those around me are feeling…. my kids when I am frustrated.¬† My husband who has to take on extra.¬† My friends who I pull away from. My siblings who see me suffer and there’s nothing they can do.

Im not strong.  If I were strong I could leap tall buildings in a single bound, I could take away the tears of those I love, and I could pull myself out of this pit with ease.  No Im not strong, Im weak.

Should I? Or Shouldn’t I?

I have been thinking about going public, public in that I share this blog with people in my life.  But I’m just not sure how ready I am for those closest to me to know exactly what’s going on with me, exactly how bad things can get. 

But sometimes I feel like a fraud.  I feel like I share all of this messy life with all of you – people I don’t know – with many of the people who love me the most in the dark…. do they even WANT to know??

I just don’t know.