I’m just not interested

Dear Everyone who loves, likes, or knows me,

I’m not trying to be indecisive, I just don’t care – you can choose the food, the show, the movie, the destination. None of it matters to me. It will all feel the same, taste the same, evoke the same lack of emotion or eruption of emotion

Yes, I often am avoiding you.  But don’t feel bad it’s everyone I want to avoid- but I especially want to avoid myself.

No, I can’t just get over it.  A walk, an open window, a positive outlook, looking on the bright side, none of that will make me feel better.  The only thing that’s going to make me feel better is pharmaceutical help, counseling and me getting better in my own time and my own way.

Yes, I will take EVERYTHING personally and as an attack on me personally.  But don’t take it personally I will do it to everyone.

No I’m not lazy, yes I really am that exhausted, and need to nap daily, but sometimes it’s my avoidance technique.

Yes, I still care about you every bit as much as I did before my breakdown, but for a while I’m going to be a sucky friend/sibling/daughter etc.  I’m going to be self centered and seem selfish.  I’m really not trying, it’s just kinda how it is when you are stuck in your own head.

Please don’t pity me. Don’t treat me differently.  Invite me knowing I might say no.  Send me a text or a message once in a while but don’t be surprised if I tell you I’m still down and out.

And yes, sometimes I hurt myself- on purpose.  It’s something hard to explain but something I feel like I HAVE to do sometimes.  Don’t stare, and please don’t ask me about it. And just because I haven’t hurt myself in a while doesn’t mean I’m better it just means I’m using other ways of coping- avoidance, binging, sleeping all day. Don’t assume because there aren’t fresh bleeding cuts on my arms that all is hunky dory.

Stop trying to guilt me into feeling better – yes I know I’m not doing a bang up job of being a parent right now, but hopefully eventually that will change. Yes I realize that my diet of Cocoa Pebbles is not healthy and really isn’t the best influence for my children but right now it’s all I can handle. At least they’re eating well. Just because I make one meal doesn’t mean I’m better. Just because I leave the house doesn’t mean I’m better. I’ll let you know when I’m better or better yet when the old me comes back you’ll know I’m better.

Thanks.

Me

Itching and A Ruined Day

I’m STILL itching.  I never realized how much itching could drive a person crazy until I had all these phantom itches all over my entire body.  The doctor called back and apparently there’s a name for it, when you take these kinds of meds.  She called in another script for hydroxyzine – which helped me sleep before so hopefully it’ll control the itching and help me sleep.  If that happens I might have a somewhat positive day tomorrow.  She also scheduled me for an appointment for Thursday I love how she fits me in whenever I need to see her.

But today was not positive.  And it should have been.  It’s May 8th.  The day my husband and I celebrate between us even more than our wedding anniversary- the day we officially became a couple.  But today was ruined.  Hubby was in a grumpy mood all day long, he was tired, he was impatient, he was just off.  And I think some of it is a reaction to his new meds, but the majority of it is his mother.  She talked to him for over and hour this morning and she berated him, yelled at him, and just was not very nice to him.  This is a common occurrence.  She is not very nice to anyone but she loves to make sure he and I know that she disagrees with 99% of our life choices.  That our children’s issues are our fault.

But that set his day off into a tailspin.  He was just grumpy all day and when he is grumpy all day I can’t stand it. I take it personally, I feel like I should be able to fix it.  And then he is telling me all the things that he is worried about, which increases my anxiety,  I don’t want to know because it makes my anxiety increase through the roof because it’s all things I can’t do anything about.  But at the same time I want to be there for him when he needs to talk, I want to know what he’s thinking about because when he is quiet I get anxious worried that he is mad at me.

My children are fighting, and little one ran away from big one and big one’s worker, and she darted across the street.  We live on a fairly busy road and everyone is irritable, and the kids still arguing, I am not sitting and eating with them, forget that I don’t need that toxicity.

So what should have been a decent day today turned out to be a crappy.  The only good part of today was I got a short nap in. Tonight I am depressed and anxious.  It’s interesting how much the moods of those around me effect my own mood.

Sitting in the Lab

Well, one positive thing about not sleeping and being able to get up at the crack of dawn – I can get my fasting blood work done.  7:25am and I’m sitting here in a room filled with about 10 other people.

I’m shaking and nervous because my Valium hasn’t kicked in.  Hubby and I decided to stop holding off on the Valium in the morning it’s not helping anyone – especially me.  (And I’m not nervous about bloodwork- I’m old hat with that- I did several cycles of In-Vitro Fertilization).

I’m going to call my doctor this morning update her on everything I sincerely hope she gives me something for sleep even if she keeps me on the itchy Latuda.

Well it should be my turn soon.  I’ll update after my call to the doctor.

It was my turn soon and the girl drawing my blood was awesome! She listened to me when I told her to use a butterfly (smaller needle), and found the vein the first time.  She had a lot of vials to draw so I am glad that she was able to get a good vein.

After that I headed to Dunkin Donuts for my favorite treat- Vanilla Chai tea. Man I wish I could make a decent replica at home because it makes me so happy.  Of course it’s 340 calories I don’t need 😉

I called the doctor with all my pros and cons to the new meds, and begged and pleaded for sleep. 3-4 hours a night is NOT enough.  They will call me back later.

I am exhausted, and have to drop big one off at counseling in 25 minutes, I wonder if I can squeeze in a 15 minute power nap…..

 

I Won The Versatile Blog Award! What?

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A blog award? Me?  I can’t even imagine that my tiny corner of the blog world, that I started as a way to process through things I couldn’t in my own head, is getting recognized.  I’m humbled, and grateful.

The Versatile Blogger Award was created to feature and recognize blogs that have unique content, high quality of writing, and fantastic photos. As the web page about the Versatile Blogger Award says: Honor those bloggers who bring something special to your life whether every day or only now and then.

THE RULES OF THE VERSATILE BLOGGER AWARD

  1. Thank the person who gave you this award, and include a link to their blog.
  2. Nominate 10 blogs that you’ve recently discovered or follow regularly.
  3. Share 7 things about yourself that people might not know.

Thank You

Thank You seems like small words for the gratitude I feel to Discovering Your Happiness https://discoveringyourhappiness.com/ for her recognition.  Her blog is an inspiration and a source of solace to me.  She always has the best ideas and ways to help yourself deal with some of your most difficult emotions and ways of thinking, even if I can’t yet find my own inner peace.

I NOMINATE:

7 FUN FACTS ABOUT ME:

  1. I do not like to eat seafood, fish or anything that swims- EXCEPT a tuna fish sandwhich (occasionally).
  2. I hate snow, cold, and winter, and yet live in one of the coldest snowiest parts of New England and have all my life.
  3. I have 1 sister, and 1 half brother.
  4. It took 3 in-vitro fertilizations cycles to conceive my oldest, and my youngest was a naturally conceived miracle baby 7 years later.
  5. I have 3 dogs, 4 rabbits, 5 cats, and 51 chickens (48 hens and 3 roosters).
  6. I homeschool both of my children.
  7. My husband, my father and my father in law all have the same first name.

Again thank you to Discovering Your Happiness for nominating my blog for this award, it made my morning when I woke up and found out!

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I don’t know how I feel today….

Is that a thing? To not know? I woke up from a fitful sleep exhausted, anxious and restless.  My hands were shaking so bad I dropped an egg on the floor.  I had taken my Effexor and Latuda but I’ve been trying to hold off on the Valium in order to still have a dose for bedtime…. but it’s not helping me sleep so I don’t know why I’m doing that… I ended up taking my valium 2 hours early. I couldn’t take it anymore.

Once the anxiety calmed down I was more able to function, however I am pretty sure Latuda is causing extreme itching all over my body with no sign of rash, hives or anything else. I am going to have to call my doctor tomorrow.  It’s a mixed bag.  I am not sleeping – con.  But I think it’s decreasing my depression or least making me feel less sad and mad and more – meh- so pro.  I am itching ALL OVER MY ENTIRE BODY- con.

I am also sweating and hot ALL THE TIME.  And for those of you that know me I am ALWAYS cold, always.  Right now it’s 7:45pm in the 40s outside and I have all the windows open in my bedroom and I am still sweating. And if all that wasn’t enough I am having some major issues in the private marriage life (if you catch my drift)- major con.

I think I just want her to take me off it I think.  I think I would rather be depressed and able to sleep, and not itch and be depressed than to be like this.

And now my little one’s rooster has ran away (he’s a mean SOB and part of me hopes he doesn’t come back) but she’s completely devastated.  It’s starting to get so hopefully the darn rooster will come back.  He’s back.  Thank goodness because I couldn’t handle a devastated 6 year old.  That rooster is nothing but TROUBLE.

Switching gears again– hmm is that a side effect too? Pollyanna wants me to write something up that says how I came out of a situation like this in the past.  The thing is I have never had a breakdown like this before. Not this bad… I had something similar in highschool, but I am not sure if I am ready to talk to her, or anyone else about what precipitated that breakdown.  The only one who knows almost all of the story is my husband. And he doesn’t know the gory details of some of it.  I might have to tell her I am not ready to discuss what happened.  I can tell her how I got out of it, but how I got out wasn’t something that can be replicated.  I was on a path of self destruction, and I was saved.  By a boy.  A boy who cared about me, that boy saved me from the pain at home, he saved me from the pain at school, he saved every part of me.  And today he’s my husband.  I don’t know what he did to save me, I don’t know how he did it, other than loving me, just the way I was, flaws, baggage, all of it.

But what will save me this time?

17 years

I’ve been married to my high school sweetheart for 17 years today. I was 17 when we met, and we waited 5 years before we got married- Monday marks 22 years together.  

Our life has been full of ups and downs.  It’s been quite a ride to be honest.  Some of it I wouldn’t do again, some id love to, but knowing today what I know I would make the same choice all over again.  

We are lucky that we  have always been friends first so even when things in our marriage are hard, our friendship carries us through. 

He’s seen me at my best, and at my worst.  At my thinnest and my biggest.  At my happiest and in my deepest moments of despair.  And likewise me for him.  

When we said our vows to each other 17 years ago this morning we meant every word.  We may have been two young kids, 22/21, practically penniless, with big dreams and high hopes, but the unconditional love was there.  And now 17 years later we are two middle aged adults, 39/38, even more practically penniless, with many broken dreams and lost hopes, but the unconditional love is still there.  

We are working to make new dreams and new hopes, but for now we are licking our wounds and thanking God for giving us each other – because without each other there would be nothing. 

Maybe we used up all our luck/blessing/karma whatever you want to call it on the love we found and the two miracle children we have.  And if that’s the case, then we are still more blessed than most.

Today I feel, ok.  Not fantastic, not “happy”, but ok.  It’s hard not to be ok when you look at the blessing of a loving spouse that’s there for you no matter what, loves you no matter what, and would gladly lay his life down for you.  Sure depression, anxiety and sadness are bubbling below the surface, but today, today is a win for love.

Did I speak too soon? 

I am not feeling as good as I did earlier, but not so much mentally as physically.  I feel off. A bit lightheaded, my face is flushed but not hot, still have that nagging headache, my head feels full/congested but it’s not. I itch not just where I have the rash but like everywhere.  

I’m not sure if I’m reacting to the cream I was given, the new med Latuda, the fact that I didn’t take my 5pm Valium dose, or something else.  Whatever it is it’s very unnerving and kind of frightening.  Thank goodness it’s almost bedtime! 

Let’s hope I feel better tomorrow morning