Dear Everyone who loves, likes, or knows me,
I’m not trying to be indecisive, I just don’t care – you can choose the food, the show, the movie, the destination. None of it matters to me. It will all feel the same, taste the same, evoke the same lack of emotion or eruption of emotion
Yes, I often am avoiding you. But don’t feel bad it’s everyone I want to avoid- but I especially want to avoid myself.
No, I can’t just get over it. A walk, an open window, a positive outlook, looking on the bright side, none of that will make me feel better. The only thing that’s going to make me feel better is pharmaceutical help, counseling and me getting better in my own time and my own way.
Yes, I will take EVERYTHING personally and as an attack on me personally. But don’t take it personally I will do it to everyone.
No I’m not lazy, yes I really am that exhausted, and need to nap daily, but sometimes it’s my avoidance technique.
Yes, I still care about you every bit as much as I did before my breakdown, but for a while I’m going to be a sucky friend/sibling/daughter etc. I’m going to be self centered and seem selfish. I’m really not trying, it’s just kinda how it is when you are stuck in your own head.
Please don’t pity me. Don’t treat me differently. Invite me knowing I might say no. Send me a text or a message once in a while but don’t be surprised if I tell you I’m still down and out.
And yes, sometimes I hurt myself- on purpose. It’s something hard to explain but something I feel like I HAVE to do sometimes. Don’t stare, and please don’t ask me about it. And just because I haven’t hurt myself in a while doesn’t mean I’m better it just means I’m using other ways of coping- avoidance, binging, sleeping all day. Don’t assume because there aren’t fresh bleeding cuts on my arms that all is hunky dory.
Stop trying to guilt me into feeling better – yes I know I’m not doing a bang up job of being a parent right now, but hopefully eventually that will change. Yes I realize that my diet of Cocoa Pebbles is not healthy and really isn’t the best influence for my children but right now it’s all I can handle. At least they’re eating well. Just because I make one meal doesn’t mean I’m better. Just because I leave the house doesn’t mean I’m better. I’ll let you know when I’m better or better yet when the old me comes back you’ll know I’m better.