I can’t make up my mind…

When I first sought treatment, Anxiety was my primary concern.  I wanted it gone, I couldn’t stand the racing heart, the head in a vice, feeling paranoid life.  The doctor did her best to medicate it without benzos (benzodiazepines), but it was clear after a short period of time that I would need a benzo and she prescribed 1 valium as needed.  But when she warned me of all the side effects I was only taking it when things were “really bad”, but after speaking with her at our next appointment she assured me what she warned me about was long-term (as in years and decades of use) and I could use it twice. So I started taking it at 10 and 2.  (I was prescribed something else for sleep). But as time went on I started taking it immediately when I woke up in the morning because I had severe tremors when I woke up, and then again at noon. I was usually ok once hubby got home because, he’s my safe person, and I knew that I could go to my safe place (bedroom) at any time.

For about a month or so this worked wonders, but then as you can tell from previous entries once the anxiety was medicated away my depression (that I didn’t believe I had) reared it’s ugly head and I was sad, angry, bitter and hated every second of every day. This wasn’t good too and she started to try different medications for that. I am now on Effexor XR 75mg, which is causing my mouth to be dryer than when the dentist uses that suckie thing in your mouth and my eyes feel crossed all the time, it’s hard to read, even what I am typing here.

Well starting about 2-3 days ago my anxiety went through the roof again, I would take the valium and it was a sugar pill.  The depression was there but anxiety was starting to be loud again. Yesterday, the anxiety was taunting me so badly I was shaking uncontrollably, by the time I got to church I ended up popping another valium, bad decision? Maybe but it made it so I could get through church.  I ended up taking another valium around 2 maybe and another at 6ish. By this morning anxiety is here, overwhelming me, making my ears ring, my heart race.  I don’t feel so depressed because I can’t focus on anything except my anxiety.  Every noise is amplified and I feel like I can’t think or relax. I just took another half of valium, I will give it 30 minutes and if I don’t feel better or fall asleep I am calling the doctor.

I can’t make up my mind, I can’t decide if I would rather feel like my world is ending because I am so sad, or feeling like my world is going fast, like my heart is beating out of my chest, like everything in the environment is contaminating me, and every noise is amplified….

This sucks. I just want to sleep- all day long.

So Much for the tears…

Tonight, I went with a very good friend to see “The Shack”.  The premise of the movie, if you don’t know, is a man that faced a tragedy is invited to spend the weekend with God.  God is represented as 3 different people- God the Father, God the Son (Jesus) and God the Spirit (Holy Spirit).   It was a well done movie, and watching the previews it looked like a movie that would give me the good solid, hard cry I needed.

But as I watched the movie and the minutes ticked by not a tear came.  Not even a sniffle.  But when I saw the preview of the movie I felt a call on my heart to see it. I NEEDED to see it. I think the reason I couldn’t cry, and the reason I had to see the movie is that I needed to see the story of this man, of what his pain did to him, of what stuffing his emotions down did to him.  I need to spend some time thinking about this movie, trying to understand what happened to him through the process of the movie. I am struggling with a lot of the same emotions.

Unresolved pain and heartache from childhood, not understanding God’s plan, not understanding why God “allows” things to happen.

I am working on figuring out how to “trust” God, to believe that God is good, that God is good to me.

There is a lot I need to think about, a lot I need to work through and this movie may have left me with more questions than answers but I think that might, just might, be a good thing.

Eye of the Storm

I’ve been listening to a lot of worship music.  There’s a song about God being with us in the eye of the storm, that He’s always in control. 

I’m told I need to get to the end of me, and hand it all over to Him.

That if I trust Him, and give it all up to Him He will guide me through this.

But what does that look like?  Is this what it looks like?  Is He next to me in bed right now as I type this wanting to cry, wanting to feel something but feeling numb?  Or have I not given it up to Him and that’s why I’m going through this.  

He never promised it (life) would be easy, in fact He promised trials and tribulations.  But how do I know if I’ve given it to Him?  I mean I tell Him to take it from me, to show me the way.   So doesn’t that mean I’ll be cured?  Like immediately- like the blind man in the Bible?  Or does that mean He’s here beside me as I walk this path of agony, despair, anxiety, anger and sadness?  

And if He’s beside me what is His plan? I know I am supposed to just trust that it’s all for my good, but it hurts so much. What will He use this pain for? 

I know, I know-the process of refining and sanctification leads to righteousness.  One day, one step, one breath at a time. 

But it’s so hard. Life is hard. My heart hurts. 

How am I spending my Saturday?

In bed. Working on our taxes.  Every year at this time, I wonder how the IRS figures our income to be one thing, but what I know to be what we bring into the house something totally different? Somewhere money is hemorrhaging and it’s before it reaches my hot little hands.

When we hit submit on these taxes we will get a sizeable return, however we will lose the state benefits that we have been receiving.  Yes, we are welfare people.  Judge away. Hate us. Whatever, we are doing what we have to do to survive.   However, I don’t understand how a “gross” income of 12,000 of which I can personally guarantee my checkbook saw maybe HALF of, is considered a livable wage and we can be self-sufficient?  I don’t know what we will do when we lose the help we are getting.

Just another thing to worry about….

Is this normal?

Sometimes when I’m thinking about hurting myself it’s because I’m mad at someone else.  My daughter was just awfully rude and cruel to me.  I stomped up to my safe place (bed) and all I want to do is scratch up my arms because “that’ll show em”.  Show them what? That I’m a loon?  That I hurt myself when they hurt me?  It makes no sense.  I’m sick of my life. 

Do the worst first…

This morning my goal was to get the bills paid.  At the beginning of the month we pay all the recurring bills we have, because we get all our money at the beginning of the month.  I am of the mentality you eat the thing you like least first so that it’s gone, you do the worst assignment first so it’s over with, and so in recent months I started doing that with the bills.  I used to pay them as they came due but it seemed like everyday I was logging into the internet to give more money to someone else with their hand out.

Now I get it, they are our bills, we have to pay them, we spent the money (in regards to credit accounts) we owe it, but it’s so depressing to just keep handing money out left and right and right and left.  So I mustered all my strength and paid the bills (with the exception of electric because I don’t yet have that bill) that will be due this month.  Can we say depressing? My family lives on very little a month, the amount would probably shock you, and to watch so much of it electronically leave our account is even more depressing.

We have some financial stuff about to come up that will cause us to have to live on even less money envery months. I dont know how it will work out, I don’t know how we will make the balance sheet work. Hubby’s back is not getting better, and they have decided on a very conservative course of treatment, which means it could be months, or longer before it’s “cured”- not that it will ever be “cured”.  I don’t know what that means for his business, I don’t know much of anything these days.

All I do know is that I worry constantly.  We have no life insurance, we have no retirement, we have no savings to speak of (unless you count our $150 emergency fund). We own nothing of value that we could sell in a pinch.  We would have to rely on the good will of family (which we have had to do in the past, and let me tell you that is a humbling and humiliating experience- some of which I think has caused me to end up in this pit I am in).

I have come to the realization lately that we will never have anything nice.  We will never have money.  We will never be “comfortable”.  I don’t want to be rich, I would just like to not feel a sense of urgency.  I would like to not have to keep track in my head of how much I am spending at the grocery store on our necessities.  I’d like to take my kids on a vacation. Id like to know that in our old age we will be able to survive.

Yes, some of this is our “fault”.  Some of this is choices we made that seemed right at the time, but in retrospect may not have been the best financial choice (though was clearly the best choice for our family- about 6 years ago my husband took a huge pay cut to go back to school to learn a trade he had always wanted to do, to get out from a job that while it paid well, he never saw me or our children.  This new trade was promising both financially and for time spent as a family.  It was not as financially promising as we had hoped, especially after he got sick, and got laid off.  Then he took lemons and made lemonade and started his own business from the ground up, doing this trade. He turned a small profit his first year in business which from what I understand is very rare in a small business, and his second year (this past year) an even more modest profit.  But now his back threatens all of this. It threatens the very life of the business.  And if he can’t do this what will he do?

I know I can’t get a job.  The children are not in a place where public school would be the best choice for them, and most days it’s a struggle to get out of bed, I can’t imagine having to get dressed and face the public, I think it would be straight to an inpatient unit if it came to that.

I am scared. out. of. my. mind. And hubby, God love him isn’t worried, or pretends not to be.  He said it’ll be fine. How do I tell him to take off the rose-colored glasses and face the music.  That in 2 months we will find ourselves in a position that is NOT good, and we need to start planning for that now. I can’t tell him… because we can’t both have a breakdown right now. I am out of my mind and one of us has to hold it together….. so I worry in silence…. I suffer in silence…. if only my head were silent instead of a string of consciousness that won’t shut up.  All the things that could be, would be, may be, has been, was, and could have been running through it, unrelenting, inconsiderate of the fact that it makes me feel even crazier. Just stop this ride, I WANT OFF.