Last night was a BAD depression night. The OT had me really upset about little one’s worries, and all I could think was that the author of the email was right. I was ruining my children. Everything is all my fault. That I should just leave they would be better off without me.
So today I avoided in the morning- I napped and read. Then I had PT. And I pushed HARD! I did the upright bike first as always and my goal was to do 1.75miles in 8 minutes on level 8. I know that doesn’t sound like much but remember I had hip surgery 8 weeks ago. And then it was the leg press machine, and I just really pushed HARD the entire hour session. I was red faced and sweating. I have always found that when I am upset if I physically push myself I can stop myself from thinking a little bit at least. The last 5 or 6 minutes she massaged the muscle that connects to my IT band and man it hurt so good.
After I got done with PT I got a text from my dad’s ex and he was being brought back to the hospital from the hotel. He fell off the toilet and hit his head. And that he was finally agreeing to go to assisted living. He called me later and I got more information. He fell off the toilet trying to reach his walker. He not only hit his head but he fractured his hip :(. I am happy that he’s back in the hospital, but I don’t know if he’s healthy enough for hip surgery, for them to put in pins. This means he missed dialysis today. I pray and hope this is a wake up call for him.
I know it was a wake up call for me. My endocrinologist wants me on 2000mg of metformin for my insulin resistance, and she wants me on the diabetic diet, and finally to lose 10lbs in 6 months. My plan was to wait tilll month 5 and lose the 10lbs, but hubby put things into perspective, he said: “so you are going to do the exact thing that your dad does that makes you so angry?”. BURN. So today I started researching some protein shakes to help with snacks since I often turn to crackers, chips, cereal etc. I will probably have to go back to yogurt, oatmeal, eggs for breakfast and quit the Cocoa Pebbles. I don’t want to end up like my dad. I want to live a life I can enjoy once my children are grown. So now in addition to getting mentally healthy I have to work on my physical health and well-being. This may just push me over the edge, but we shall see….
Until next time….