I have spent a good amount of time thinking about my last post. About how I don’t really “LIVE”. And the goal of my DBT group is to “have a life worth living”.
So HOW do I live? How do I go out and find happiness, how do I find joy? I think I have something like a sleep mask over my eyes. Not only can I not see what’s right in front of my face, I can’t see far enough to find things I enjoy.
I was going to make this post a lot longer, talking about all the things I “used” to enjoy. All the things that helped me live. But the more I thought about the things I lost, the tighter I felt blinded from seeing joy.
This, I need to figure out.
I can’t let go of the text my mom sent about 6 months ago saying she wasn’t disappointed in ME, but that I don’t have the support I need to SHINE. I keep mulling the word over, trying to figure out what exactly I would need to do to shine, and I just was coming up empty until tonight,
Hubby and I were watching a movie and two people were cliff diving. I made an offhand comment that I would love to do that, that it looks like fun, but in the next breath said I would be too scared. I said “I am too scared to go out in our yard at night” and hubby said “you’re too scared to go out in the daylight”.
The sad thing is, he’s right. And maybe that’s what my mom means. I’m don’t live my life, I’m too scared of everything. I merely get by from day to day, trying not to mess things up too badly. And in all the “getting by”, I never live.
I’m too afraid to fail. I’m too afraid I’ll do something wrong. I’m too afraid germs will make me sick. I’m too afraid of screwing up my kids. Fear runs my life. I can’t plan everything when I leave my bubble so something unpredictable might happen, and that thing might be bad, and bad is… bad.
My brain instantly goes to worst-case scenario, and then all the ways to prevent that. It’s exhausting. So it’s easier to just not live than to risk it all…. and therefore I will never shine.
Well at least I think I have figured that problem out. Can’t have unclosed loops.