My Apologies….

Despite my best efforts to keep up with the blogs I follow, I haven’t been very good at it.  There are days I am barely good at getting out of bed.  Please forgive me, and know I am reading as often as I can, and you are all in my thoughts and prayers.

 

My Favorite Things?

I have always LOVED to cook and bake. Desserts, breakfasts, dinners, snacks… anything and everything- and I have always been pretty good at it (I’ve been told this I’m not just tooting my own horn). Well about 6 or so month ago I pretty much gave up cooking the meals, and baking- I think last Christmas was the last time I actually baked something.

Cooking has always been a release for me, something I could use to relax and feel good. And it helped me feel good about myself because I was good at it.

Well tonight I made cookies…. Santa is coming so he NEEDS cookies. Well needless to say – it didn’t relax me, I was stressed I would mess it up, use the wrong amounts of an ingredient or something. I checked and rechecked the directions of one of the recipes I’ve made a thousand times. I used to be able to make it in my sleep… except for that one Christmas I was pregnant and forgot to put the sugar in LOL but that’s another tale for another day…

Tonight they came out crappy. They look terrible. Hubby just came through the kitchen and sniffed and said “what’s that smell? That’s a weird smell”. Thanks Babe for making me feel better (of course he has no idea that I’m upset in the first place so maybe that’s not fair… and he tried one and said it was good but it’s not up to my standards. They are UGLY.

Maybe it’s that I’m out of practice? Or the new oven’s convection setting? Maybe it’s the gluten free flour I substituted in? (Except I’ve done that before and they came out fine) Or maybe it’s that I just can’t do things I used to do.

Cooking is no longer one of my favorite things. I’m scared to try knitting again and see how I mess that up.

See – ugly. I certainly don’t want to present them on a platter. 😢

What a Day!

My day started with Big One’s first day of public high school.  It seemed to have gone well, but it’s hard to tell with him.

Then I finally got my Dad on the phone I hadn’t talked to him in over a week, and I sort of miss his calls….. maybe not all of them…. but anyway he was irate, argumentative and and downright mean. Even going so far to say “do you really think that was the best choice” regarding sending the kids to Schoo… Even though he knows nothing of the gut wrenching heartache it was making that choice.

I was crying hysterically in the car… Got to counseling only to find out that my counselor is leaving and I only have 3 more sessions with her- PollyAnna is abandoning me like everyone else does.  Now I have to find another therapist…. or not.

After I left her office I was upset to say the least and I was headed out of town to meet with the Psychiatry department at the hospital for a consult for  my ECT  (electro shock therapy) treatments.  On the way there, I wasn’t “all there” the way many of us are when we have driving amnesia.  I was speeding, 70 in  55.  Ticket. $182. OUCH.  I will contest it to hopefully get the fine reduced.  I don’t really think I was going that fast but I didn’t argue. I took my punishment and off I went.

He took a pretty through history, had me crying some more, and spent a lot of time being quiet if I wasn’t talking and I told him it made me nervous when he was quiet.  He said because of my many failed meds, it would make ECT less effective, about a 50/50 shot it would work.  But he believes that just continuing to try different meds is a 10% chance. Not great odds any way you look at it. So I consented to the treatment.  He said some people, especially people with lots of trauma and with extended periods of depression (hello that’s me), sometimes never get better.   I looked at him and said so you are saying this may be as good as it gets- forever.  That forever I won’t want to die but I won’t want to live either? And he said it’s a possibility.  The thought of living like this for the next 50 years is even more depressing.

After I left there with my first treatment scheduled, I headed straight to OT, since I didn’t have much time to get there… I made it 5 mis or so late only to find out that my calendar – paper and electric were wrong.  This has been happening way too much lately. I can’t tell you how many times I have screwed up bills, appointments — everything in the past month or 2.  I told the dr I need a RAM dump.  I have given everyone a piece of me to take care of them and there is nothing left for me.

My brother made a comment about free time now that the kids are in school, and I said yeah right.  Screenshotted my calendar for October and his response was that they need 2 of me. SO SO SO true.  But I get the good half 😉

Tomorrow its treatment plan for the med cinic an then to see Dr. Handsome.  He will look at my left him but I have been having the same sorts of pain on the right side, I am falling a lot and have terrible balance, tripping on things, things I never would have done.

I don’t think I mentioned I fell walking little one home and sprained my ankle bad, on m good leg.  Which was already giving me trouble, so now my left hurts from compensating  to help my right hip and ankle.  I am so broken.

I know God has. a reason for this, but I hope this season is short.

He isn’t all bad OR how positive words can come back to haunt me later…

I have said A LOT of negative things about my father, but, he always always approved of our homeschooling.  He was the only one in our family that did. Over the phone he would often tell me how good I was doing with the kids, and how I was giving them so much more than any school public or private could.

And part of me feels like I am disappointing him- but yet again, by throwing in the towel on homeschooling (at least for now)

But maybe I can look at it that I AM giving them more, because right now I CAN’T offer them more.

I don’t know, maybe I am doing this for me.  Maybe this is selfish and I am doing it to make my life easier.  To give me a break, and some time away.

But maybe that time away will be better for them.  I don’t know.  I am just going around and around in circles wth my thinking.  And I can’t stop thinking about it. Nothing takes my mind off of it. I am just at a loss.

Homeschooling mom has been my title for 5 years. What am I when both kids are in school? And because of my depression I just sit around all day?

I am just so confused and sad.

I apologize 

I have almost 300 blogs I haven’t read, and I keep trying to catch up but I can’t even make a dent.   So to all of the blogs I regularly follow, like and comment on that’s why I haven’t been around.  I’ve barely been able to get out of my own way.  Day to day life has been tough.  So I made the decision. I’m going to delete all the blog emails and start fresh. I’ll try to read back when I can but seeing all those emails knowing I haven’t been there for all of you, hearing about your days, about your successes and victories kills me.  It makes me sad and depressed.  

I hope you all understand I care and love reading about you all. And please forgive me. 

And the hits just keep coming…

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After a particularly tough session with PollyAnna I was headed to the pharmacy to pick up Big One’s prescription, and I broke my cardinal rule of driving ALWAYS check twice.  I thought the truck headed towards me had his blinker on, so I pulled out to turn left but nope, no blinker and I t-boned a poor old man.  He was crying, and so upset. We were lucky a state trooper was behind me so he helped divert traffic.

I haven’t processed the accident I don’t think.  I haven’t had any feelings about it, I mean I felt bad for the old man, and I was feeling sorry for myself, but I didn’t cry, I didn’t get anxious, I just was numb.  I still am, other than feelings sorry for myself, because nothing seems to be working out for us lately.

The way I explained it to my husband the other day is this:

I feel like I run from fire to fire putting them out all the while I’m burning and the running gives my own fire oxygen to burn more. It’s like on a plane put your mask on then help other my mask is missing and I’m running around burning to death.

I know that I am having a pity party because things just keep coming and coming and coming at us, and I just don’t know when it’s going to stop….

But tonight on the radio (I listen to contemporary Christian radio) they reminded us to pray for Houston. And it reminded me where I COULD be, there by the grace of God.

I remember now…

I was having a hard time with my train of thought my last post and I remembered minute ago when I really wanted to write about…

As I was looking through my Facebook feed and all the people having barbecues are going to the beach or camping and I was laying on the couch covered under my fleece blanket in my protective little shell I was thinking how badly I felt for my children that their summer is going to be their mother not wanting to leave the house their mother recovering from multiple surgeries. Thankfully even though he hates the beach hubby has said he will bring them to the lake nearby so they’ll get to do their swim lessons and play with their friends. But every year we do a nice memorial day barbecue kick off and have a fire and not this year I just didn’t have it in me.  Hubby neither. His depression isn’t improving either.  At least big one got to go over to his friends house tonight watch a double feature on a big screen outside and have a cook out.  Thank God for good friends/neighbors.