My day started with Big One’s first day of public high school. It seemed to have gone well, but it’s hard to tell with him.
Then I finally got my Dad on the phone I hadn’t talked to him in over a week, and I sort of miss his calls….. maybe not all of them…. but anyway he was irate, argumentative and and downright mean. Even going so far to say “do you really think that was the best choice” regarding sending the kids to Schoo… Even though he knows nothing of the gut wrenching heartache it was making that choice.
I was crying hysterically in the car… Got to counseling only to find out that my counselor is leaving and I only have 3 more sessions with her- PollyAnna is abandoning me like everyone else does. Now I have to find another therapist…. or not.
After I left her office I was upset to say the least and I was headed out of town to meet with the Psychiatry department at the hospital for a consult for my ECT (electro shock therapy) treatments. On the way there, I wasn’t “all there” the way many of us are when we have driving amnesia. I was speeding, 70 in 55. Ticket. $182. OUCH. I will contest it to hopefully get the fine reduced. I don’t really think I was going that fast but I didn’t argue. I took my punishment and off I went.
He took a pretty through history, had me crying some more, and spent a lot of time being quiet if I wasn’t talking and I told him it made me nervous when he was quiet. He said because of my many failed meds, it would make ECT less effective, about a 50/50 shot it would work. But he believes that just continuing to try different meds is a 10% chance. Not great odds any way you look at it. So I consented to the treatment. He said some people, especially people with lots of trauma and with extended periods of depression (hello that’s me), sometimes never get better. I looked at him and said so you are saying this may be as good as it gets- forever. That forever I won’t want to die but I won’t want to live either? And he said it’s a possibility. The thought of living like this for the next 50 years is even more depressing.
After I left there with my first treatment scheduled, I headed straight to OT, since I didn’t have much time to get there… I made it 5 mis or so late only to find out that my calendar – paper and electric were wrong. This has been happening way too much lately. I can’t tell you how many times I have screwed up bills, appointments — everything in the past month or 2. I told the dr I need a RAM dump. I have given everyone a piece of me to take care of them and there is nothing left for me.
My brother made a comment about free time now that the kids are in school, and I said yeah right. Screenshotted my calendar for October and his response was that they need 2 of me. SO SO SO true. But I get the good half 😉
Tomorrow its treatment plan for the med cinic an then to see Dr. Handsome. He will look at my left him but I have been having the same sorts of pain on the right side, I am falling a lot and have terrible balance, tripping on things, things I never would have done.
I don’t think I mentioned I fell walking little one home and sprained my ankle bad, on m good leg. Which was already giving me trouble, so now my left hurts from compensating to help my right hip and ankle. I am so broken.
I know God has. a reason for this, but I hope this season is short.