I had so many different ideas for what to title this blog. But none of them felt quite right.
First of all, I have been reluctant to post- (disclaimer: this part is about a comment on my blog- but has nothing to do with the poster of said comment, nor does it mean I am upset with the commenter)- because recently after a more positive post a comment was made that it was nice to see something positive posted. Immediately I clammed up. I felt like “crap, people are sick of my problems”. But In the end I decided to just take the comment as I know it was written- as a message showing happiness for my fleeting moment of positivity.
I struggle with constructive criticism, I over analyze what people say. What everyone else thinks means more than what I think.
But I can’t hold this all in any more. This has been a hard week. I can’t give you a reason, because I don’t know. I have been sad and depressed all week. Like major regression in my symptoms. My OCD has been over the top- to the point that I offended a person in my DBT group because I moved my seat when I heard that she had been sick- and so I explained to the group if I do stuff like that, it’s me, not them.
And I’m just tired. So tired. Tired of this life. It never gets better. It seems like I stand up and a big bully pushes me down, over and over. And I am tired of getting up. I have tried so hard in the past month to try to do things to “make me feel better “. But it doesn’t work.
And I have found that even dreaming about possibilities has it’s consequences. I keep thinking about Marilla Cuthbert, and the things she used to say to Anne when Anne would let her imagination run wild, have romantic notions etc. It’s not practical. It’s not useful. Never in my life has there been anyone who encourages me to dream. They just point out the reality. “I get it mom I will never be on star search” (6 or 7 year old me), “I get it (insert name here) I am not as pretty as (insert name here)” (14-16 year old me). “I know I will never amount to much dad”. “I know I don’t shine mom”. “I know I can’t manage money because I have a shopping compulsion- maybe it shouldn’t be my responsibility.” “I know my bucket list will still be undone when I die”.
I get it. This. This is it. It’s never going to get better, and I will stop dreaming, hoping and wishing for it to get better. I see now that it does no good, because I will never change, I will always be a compulsive overeater, with a shopping problem, and a mental illness. I have always, and will always be weak.
When I was a kid my best friend and I came up with a phrase:
“Reality is too real for us, we live in the abstract”.
Looking at it with 30 or so years of knowledge I didn’t have then- it really was more like- our reality sucks, so we choose to wish/hope/dream of how it will be better “someday”.
But I think what I have learned over the past 2 years since my breakdown- for some people- someday never comes. For some people, it’s scraping by, barely keeping your nose above the water line forever. For some people- they’ll always wonder “what’s the point?”
And if all that isn’t enough- the school isn’t following the IEP as written for my oldest. Here we go. It’s giving me PTSD flashbacks of our last fight when he was in 3rd grade, and I don’t know if I have it in me. I don’t know if I can do it again…..
Saw Mary Poppins this week. She added another med to my list. A mood stabilizer… probably a good idea. Ive had 2 panic attacks in the past 2 days. It’s been a couple months since I had a full on attack. The craps hitting the fan again and I don’t know where to hide to dodge all the crap coming my way…..
Sorry for the downer post. I just can’t keep it in anymore….