So Many Titles…

I had so many different ideas for what to title this blog. But none of them felt quite right.

First of all, I have been reluctant to post- (disclaimer: this part is about a comment on my blog- but has nothing to do with the poster of said comment, nor does it mean I am upset with the commenter)- because recently after a more positive post a comment was made that it was nice to see something positive posted. Immediately I clammed up.  I felt like “crap, people are sick of my problems”.  But In the end I decided to just take the comment as I know it was written- as a message showing happiness for my fleeting moment of positivity.

I struggle with constructive criticism, I over analyze what people say.  What everyone else thinks means more than what I think.

But I can’t hold this all in any more.  This has been a hard week.  I can’t give you a reason, because I don’t know. I have been sad and depressed all week.  Like major regression in my symptoms.  My OCD has been over the top- to the point that I offended a person in my DBT group because I moved my seat when I heard that she had been sick- and so I explained to the group if I do stuff like that, it’s me, not them.

And I’m just tired. So tired. Tired of this life.  It never gets better. It seems like I stand up and a big bully pushes me down, over and over.  And I am tired of getting up. I have tried so hard in the past month to try to do things to “make me feel better “.  But it doesn’t work.

And I have found that even dreaming about possibilities has it’s consequences.  I keep thinking about Marilla Cuthbert, and the things she used to say to Anne when Anne would let her imagination run wild, have romantic notions etc.  It’s not practical.  It’s not useful.  Never in my life has there been anyone who encourages me to dream.  They just point out the reality.  “I get it mom I will never be on star search” (6 or 7 year old me),  “I get it (insert name here) I am not as pretty as (insert name here)” (14-16 year old me).  “I know I will never amount to much dad”.  “I know I don’t shine mom”.  “I know I can’t manage money because I have a shopping compulsion- maybe it shouldn’t be my responsibility.”  “I know my bucket list will still be undone when I die”.

I get it.  This.  This is it. It’s never going to get better, and I will stop dreaming, hoping and wishing for it to get better. I see now that it does no good, because I will never change, I will always be a compulsive overeater, with a shopping problem, and a mental illness. I have always, and will always be weak.

When I was a kid my best friend and I came up with a phrase:

“Reality is too real for us, we live in the abstract”.

Looking at it with 30 or so years of knowledge I didn’t have then- it really was more like- our reality sucks, so we choose to wish/hope/dream of how it will be better “someday”.

But I think what I have learned over the past 2 years since my breakdown- for some people- someday never comes.  For some people, it’s scraping by, barely keeping your nose above the water line forever. For some people- they’ll always wonder “what’s the point?”

And if all that isn’t enough- the school isn’t following the IEP as written for my oldest.  Here we go.  It’s giving me PTSD flashbacks of our last fight when he was in 3rd grade, and I don’t know if I have it in me.  I don’t know if I can do it again…..

Saw Mary Poppins this week.  She added another med to my list. A mood stabilizer… probably a good idea.  Ive had 2 panic attacks in the past 2 days.  It’s been a couple months since I had a full on attack.  The craps hitting the fan again and I don’t know where to hide to dodge all the crap coming my way…..

Sorry for the downer post.  I just can’t keep it in anymore….

I’ve been thinking….

I have been thinking a lot lately that I don’t recognize who I am anymore.  I have become the grouchiest, most irritable person there is.  I get upset at the littlest thing.  I use language that I don’t approve of nor do I normally use.  My family is the main target of my grouchiness, and my angry outbursts it’s not usually directed at them, it’s my frustration with other things- like tonight that my shelf next to my chair needed to have the books taken off because it was too heavy for the old plaster walls.  I was slamming things around, grouching and grumbling that I can never have anything that I want etc etc etc.

I am tired of being someone I don’t recognize, but it’s almost like I don’t have control over myself. It’s like I am Bruce Banner.  And I have become very selfish.  I don’t feel like I have anything that’s “mine” any space that’s “mine”.   Every space that I have tried to set aside for me and my “bubble” gets taken over.  I need space. I need somewhere to go and escape.

Growing up I had a friend, and her mom had her own room.  I don’t know the exact specifics of why, but I didn’t understand at the time.  But now, I understand- at least in my own way.  I want a room of my own.  I obviously still want to share a room with my husband, but I want a room where I can keep my books, my sewing and knitting stuff, a room I can go to to escape when I am feeling like the Hulk wants to rip himself out of my body.

I don’t know that I can make any changes.  I don’t know that I can find a place in my house and make it mine.  Maybe it’s selfish.  But then again- my kids have the toy room, and their bedrooms.  They take over the living room until they go to bed.  And hubby, right now he doesn’t have any special rooms, and he doesn’t complain- I know he wants a workshop but he doesn’t get all pissy about it. I thought about making the school room a library/sewing room, but realize how much work that would take to do- so much to sort and sell….  Then I think I should just get rid of all my books, and just keep what’s on my kindle app, and be done with it.

It seems like every day I come up with a “dream” or something that I want to do, or get or whatever.  And I told hubby today that I need to stop dreaming, I need to stop wishing.  Maybe that will make me happier- if I just accept that this is as good as it gets and be done with it.