My 3 Songs… and an epiphany I had on Friday….

Lately there are 3 songs that I have had on pretty much constant repeat. They are all Christian songs that speak so much to my situation right now.  The bold and italicized are all mine…. it’s the parts that get to me the most.

This first one is my prayer

Need You Now

Plumb

Well, everybody’s got a story to tell
And everybody’s got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there’s beauty here
‘Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on
I can’t let go, I can’t move on
I want to believe there’s meaning here

How many times have you heard me cry out
“God please take this“?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

Standing on a road I didn’t plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I’m trying to hear that still small voice
I’m trying to hear above the noise

How many times have you heard me cry out
God please take this?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

Though I walk,
Though I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take

How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?

How many times have you heard me cry out
“God please take this”?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

I need you now
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
I need you now

Songwriters: Christina Wells / Luke Sheets / Tiffany Lee

Need You Now lyrics © DO Write Music LLC, Mike Curb Music

 The next one is

I Have This Hope

Tenth Avenue North

As I walk this great unknown
Questions come and questions go
Was there purpose for the pain?
Did I cry these tears in vain?

I don’t want to live in fear
I want to trust that You are near
Trust Your grace can be seen
In both triumph and tragedy

I have this hope
In the depth of my soul
In the flood or the fire
You’re with me and You won’t let go

But sometimes my faith feels thin
Like the night will never end
Will You catch every tear
Or will You just leave me here?

But I have this hope
In the depth of my soul
In the flood or the fire
You’re with me and You won’t let go

So, whatever happens I will not be afraid
Cause You are closer than this breath that I take
You calm the storm when I hear You call my name
I still believe that one day I’ll see Your face

And I have this hope
In the depth of my soul
In the flood or the fire
You’re with me
I have this hope
In the depth of my soul
In the flood or the fire
You’re with me and You won’t let go

In the flood or the fire
You’re with me and You won’t let go

And the 3rd one is my favorite right now, it encapsulates how much of how I feel. I almost want to highlight and italicize the entire song.  So much of it holds true for me right now.  I won’t bold or italicize anything because it’s all just so relevant.

Even If

MercyMe

They say sometimes you win some
Sometimes you lose some
And right now, right now I’m losing bad
I’ve stood on this stage night after night
Reminding the broken it’ll be alright
But right now, oh right now I just can’t

It’s easy to sing
When there’s nothing to bring me down
But what will I say
When I’m held to the flame
Like I am right now

I know You’re able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone

They say it only takes a little faith
To move a mountain
Well good thing
A little faith is all I have, right now
But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Oh give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul

I know You’re able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You’d just say the word
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone

You’ve been faithful, You’ve been good
All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You
Come what may
‘Cause I know You’re able
I know You can

I know You’re able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, I know the hurt
Would all go away if You’d just say the word
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone

It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul

As for my epiphany- I was driving to co op, listening to these songs, and wondering why God wont take all this from me.  Why is He letter me suffer? Why won’t He just take me out of the situation like He has for so many others.  I was driving up to the top of a hill, near a Christmas tree farm, there is a beautiful overlook and the view was breathtaking. And I “heard” clear as day- not as a voice but just as something I suddenly knew- He is not going to take me out of this situation.  He is not going to take the pain away.  I have to relive every last bit of the pain, all the memories, deal with all my baggage, because if I don’t I will never be free from the past, it will always have power over me. I will never be whole.  I have to feel it all, cry every tear, and suffer through this for however long it takes.  But He is beside me this time,  and I need to remember that. I need to stop trying to run ahead. I need to go at His pace.

Maybe it all sounds corny to you, but I just honestly feel like I know that He’s not going to save me from this, I am going to have to get through this, survive and be free. I just hope He’s right and I am strong enough….

Broken and Redeemed- or just Broken?

I’m reading and following along with an online Bible study from Loving God Greatly called Broken and Redeemed. 

I’m really struggling though as I read the blog posts.  I believe in God, I believe Jesus saved Me. I believe He is at work in our lives. BUT I don’t understand how to just turn my feelings of anxiety, fear, hopelessness, depression, loneliness, worthlessness off.  I read His word.  I listen to worship music almost constantly. I have a truth book in my purse with several verses of hope, love, comfort. Verses meant to show me I’m not alone.  I believe He’s here, with me, but it seems as I read these blogs these people have these great revelations and all of a sudden it all makes perfect sense, the storm they’re in.  And suddenly they see the purpose in the storm.

Am I doing something wrong? Am I not faithful enough? I guess my prayer is for the Lord to help my belief in my unbelief? Or through my doubts? Or give me His eyes.  Because I don’t know how to find this revelation that will bring me immediate peace, understanding and healing.  

Does anyone else out there know the answer? 

He’s Talking to me today…

I am a Christian-tho I call myself a baby Christian because I’ve only been saved for 4 years.  

I also doubt my “goodness” as a Christian as judged by human standards based upon my commitment to my spiritual disciplines.  Upon my inability to “give it all to Him” and feel instantly better.  

I’m sure a lot of my perceived failure has to do with my relationship with my Earthly father, never being good enough for him.  And sometimes lately God has seemed far away.  I KNOW He isn’t but sometimes when going through the harshest storms you look left and right and wait for Him to pull you out of it (yeah yeah I know that’s not Biblical). 

  But today Air1 (radio station) has been speaking to me.  The first song I heard this morning was https://youtu.be/AiF09D9TIls

Then today’s verse of the day was perfect for me 

“For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!”

‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭4:17‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Then tonight as I came down to prepare the kitchen for the morning and again that same song came on, and right after that one this one came on https://youtu.be/wjLlLPZderk followed by https://youtu.be/emgv-VRtMEU

If you listen to the lyrics it really would appear God is reminding me He’s here, with me, in this storm and He will not let me go.  I’m grabbing that life rope tonight because I feel like I’m being pulled under water and for tonight it just might keep me afloat.

Eye of the Storm

I’ve been listening to a lot of worship music.  There’s a song about God being with us in the eye of the storm, that He’s always in control. 

I’m told I need to get to the end of me, and hand it all over to Him.

That if I trust Him, and give it all up to Him He will guide me through this.

But what does that look like?  Is this what it looks like?  Is He next to me in bed right now as I type this wanting to cry, wanting to feel something but feeling numb?  Or have I not given it up to Him and that’s why I’m going through this.  

He never promised it (life) would be easy, in fact He promised trials and tribulations.  But how do I know if I’ve given it to Him?  I mean I tell Him to take it from me, to show me the way.   So doesn’t that mean I’ll be cured?  Like immediately- like the blind man in the Bible?  Or does that mean He’s here beside me as I walk this path of agony, despair, anxiety, anger and sadness?  

And if He’s beside me what is His plan? I know I am supposed to just trust that it’s all for my good, but it hurts so much. What will He use this pain for? 

I know, I know-the process of refining and sanctification leads to righteousness.  One day, one step, one breath at a time. 

But it’s so hard. Life is hard. My heart hurts.