My new meds are making me constantly dizzy. I am sick and tired of being dizzy, I know I should call the doctor, but I see her on moday so I will just wait it out, who knows it might clear itself up by then- if not I am going to have to talk to her.
My depression is not better, if anything worse. The anxiety is showing itself more and more. My PTSD is ruling my head right now- think worst dictator in history and that’s PTSD and my OCD is constantly running in the background like Norton messing everything up. Yes, definitely think it’s time for a talk …. I told hubby the other day there is only so much time I am willing to devote to this med stuff. He thinks I am wrong in feeling that way, that going back to what I was isn’t a good idea either. He also thinks I will just go back to being anxious I told him I sincerely doubt that Pandora was let out of the box (depression, PTSD OCD) and I don’t think I have the ability to stuff them back in.
So I met with PollyAnna today. She gave me a new assignment in addition to the “what good things happened today” PUKE. I have to take a thought like I’m an idiot and replace it with a truth “I am smart”. Well guess what PollyAnna I can say that all I want but that doesn’t change how I feel. Sure, I know the “truth” in my rational brain but unfortunately rational brain is vacant. There’s a for sale sign, and foreclosure notices put up everywhere around. I think insight got sick of being pushed around and she ran away. I don’t blame her, most days I want to run away too.
PollyAnna and I talked about the “fool” and “zero”. She gave me permission to cut him out of my life. I think I have always sought that permission, but even now that I have gotten it, I don’t know that I am wired that way. Not only do I always go back to those who hurt me, I am not wired to abandon my parent. I have never actually 100% cut someone out of my life of my own choice. People have cut me out of their life, but never my own choice. Sometimes we just “drift apart” but if they messaged me or something I would respond. Readers – have you ever cut someone out of your life? Has it ever been a parent or other close relation? How did it go? Did you tell them? Or did you just stop taking their calls? I am especially interested in people from abusive homes cutting out a parent. And then there is the fact that he’s dying. How do you cut a dying parent out of your life? I mean honestly he COULD hang on another 2, 3, 4, 5 years, no one really knows but if he dies tomorrow and I cut him out of my life, would I regret it? Would I be able to live with myself?
PollyAnna and I talked about my last post regarding shutting off my emotion chip and she got a kick out of the fact that in my mind she would say the same thing Picard told Data and she agreed. She said the reason I am crying over everything is because I am finally starting to let go of things and emotions are seeping out…. well I don’t like it! I don’t want to cry at everything, I am tired of being depressed. I just want my emotion chip OFF!
I also told PollyAnna about the text from my Dad’s former mistress and she literally said “that took balls, what the F%*K?” without the symbols ;). I told her the only reason I can imagine that I answered the woman’s message politely, with the information she asked for and continued to reply to her when she messaged me, was that I try to live my life with integrity, that I try to live my life in a way that reflects Christ’s life, and what did he say about forgiveness?
“If you forgive others the wrongs they have done to you, your Father in heaven will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive the wrongs you have done.” — Matthew 6.14-15 GNTD
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, if my brother keeps on sinning against me, how many times do I have to forgive him? Seven times?’ ‘No, not seven times,’ answered Jesus, ‘but seventy times seven…'” — Matthew 18.21-22 GNTD
So yes, I replied, politely, with grace and dignity. Because, I hope to live a Christ-centered life. And it made me feel good to live with that integrity.
And quoting those passages there, that answers the question from earlier- why I don’t cut my father out of my life, no matter what- Just as Jesus loved us in our sinful state, we can honor an abusive parent. It means showing grace and compassion to those who don’t deserve it so that God is glorified and the obedient are blessed and rewarded (Matthew 5:44-48; 1 John 4:18-21). Remember, “Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord” (Hebrews 12:14).
It’s funny how sometimes while talking about something else the Lord leads us to the answers we seek in other things. I must forgive, I must honor and I must not abandon my father. I don’t have to live with him, I don’t have to subject myself to his abuse but I must, above all, honor the Lord.
He never promised that our walk with Him would be easy but it would be worth it.