Things to Change…

I was going to talk about advanced directives, final wishes and the fact that my father is dying… but instead I will do what I do best- stuff and avoid and talk about what I have figured out to tell PollyAnna.

She wants to know what I want to change.  That’s too broad, there are so many many things about my life that I want to change.  So I am going to come up with a list.  And we will tackle it like a to-do list.  I like lists.  They are neat.  They are orderly.  They are controllable.

  1. I want to not feel like I have to please everyone all the time.  The fear of disappointing people sometimes paralyzes me.  I want to be able to say “no” and not feel guilty.  I want to be able to set healthy boundaries. And be ok with those boundaries.
    1. What am I willing to do to change it?
      1. Baby steps.  Saying no to people in the outer circles in my life, disappointing them, till we get to smaller and smaller circles.  Taking it slow.
  2. I want to like myself.
    1. What am I willing to do to change it?
      1. ????? I have no clue on this one because I never have.
  3. I want to stop worrying so much about what people think about me. It’s none off my business what they think of me.
    1. What am I willing to do to change it? Again I don’t know this has always been an issue because it goes right along with pleasing people.
  4. I want to be able to identify what I am feeling, be able to name the feeling, and express the feeling. I often can’t tell the difference between feelings.  Like to me order and control are the same thing. Content and happy are the same. Etc.
    1. Again I have no idea how to change this, but I am willing to take baby steps to learn.
  5. I want to stop thinking everyone is mad at me all the time.
    1. I am willing to do what I need to do, but it as with everything else it has to be baby steps.
  6. I want to stop letting every single thing bother me…. little things, big things, things that don’t even have anything to do with me.
  7. I want to work on my different OCDs I want to be able to touch the TV remote without worrying about the germs from my own family.

And this just scratches the surface.  I have a lot of work to do in therapy.  But to be perfectly honest this scares the crap out of me. I read something last night that really resonated with me…. People go to therapy because they want to change without feeling the pain or something to that effect.  It’s so true.  I don’t want to do the hard stuff.  I want to avoid anything that will cause me discomfort in any way. As evidenced by the fact that I chose not to discuss my dad and the tough conversation we had today…..

This entry wouldn’t be complete without mentioning that little one will be SEVEN years old tomorrow.  How did she go from a little tiny baby to a special, smart, amazing little girl?

Counseling (PollyAnna) Frustrates me…

So today was PollyAnna day.  It had already been a crappy day we found out that Big One needs glasses and he was NOT happy.  Then both kids had med management appointments, they tweaked both kids’ meds- big one is getting something that will help with his high anxiety, and little one is getting a long acting version of a med she’s already taking so that we ALL can have some sleep since little one comes in our bed every night at 2am.

After their med appointments I met with PollyAnna, she is a typical counselor who answers a question with a question and never spoon feeds you ANYTHING. This week we talked a lot about 1. avoidance….. how I was even avoiding her questions to the point that I didn’t remember the question.  2. Why I feel like everyone’ s happiness, success, sadness and failures fall on my head, that I don’t have that kind of control and 3. change.  Do I really WANT to change and what am I willing to do to change.

Im supposed to think about that this week.

  1. Do I want to/am I ready to change?
  2. What am I willing to do to change?

I asked her change what? What part? There’s much to change… and she said “how can I tell you what to change first?” Im like you are NO HELP.

And then what am I willing to do? I have no idea how to change, Ive been this way my whole life and so how would I know how to change. If I knew how to change I would have done that already.  How am I supposed to answer these questions if I don’t even know where to begin. So confusing. So hard.

So that last post….

That last post was so forced. I was looking for things to say, because I can’t express what I really want to say.

I have shut off my emotions.  I pretty much feel nothing other than the anxiety.  I don’t feel sad, I don’t feel happy, I don’t feel anything much at all. My OCD is in full swing, making little one put fresh socks on every night before bed, so that her dirty feet don’t come into my bed at 2 am, which she’s been doing every day for over a week.  I still nap as much as I can, big one has been awful culminating in throwing a pencil at me today and a water bottle at his worker.

What I can’t stop thinking about is the 2 sides of my brain thing. I have to talk to PollyAnna about that on Wednesday and I am no closer to having an answer for her on how to get rid of the chaos, or at the very least how to live in coexistence with both sides.    It gives me a stomach ache to think about it to be honest.

I just that there is no logic to this process. You can’t have order and chaos together, and life doesn’t exist without chaos, because you can’t control your entire world.  Everyone’s world is too big, and there are too many variables. This is really messing with my ability to think of anything else.

The other problem is this stupid diet I have to follow counting carbs at each meal.  The pills make me sick and the only snacks I can have is protein, and I am getting sick of cheese cheese cheese, almonds, peanuts, blah blah blah.  I want cookies, crackers and ice cream. But at the same time I don’t want to end up like my dad. ugh. There is no good answer.  My mom gives him 3 months to live, and given the fact that she worked in nursing homes and hospitals for so long she knows. He’s 57. So I really need to take this seriously.

I thin I have so much on my mind that I can’t even sort through it all.

Mundane life….

Lately it seems like every day is like the one before.  The new med the endocrinologist put me on makes me sick, I either nauseous or have gastro issues.  I can’t even remember what happened the past couple days. Well, with the exception on yesterday.

Right now we are in school prep mode, so I am trying to gather all our curriculum and clean the school room, that became a junk room over the past year because we schooled at the table, but hubby wants to separate the kids- probably a good idea. I don’t have much energy to get it done.  The old me would have had it done weeks ago, and school planned till Christmas. I will probably end up doing all my planning last minute.

Yesterday, I was scheduled to go see my mother, sister, brother-in-law, nephew and step-dad. I was going to wear the snarkiest shirt I have “Im real good at making bad decisions”, but after I did my quiet time and read my Bible, the Holy Spirit prompted me with an article on how to make WISE decisions and one of them was “does it glorify God?” So, I unpacked my snarky shirt and wore a plain purple one.   I went with the intention of not discussing the email, and to go with a spirit that Jesus would have, of love, forgiveness and reconciliation.  And as always God’s way was the best way.  The BBQ went fine, the kids had fun, the email was not brought up and life moved on.  That’s not to say I didn’t want to point out how different my kids were this year since last year, but I resisted the urge.  It wasn’t easy.  But I made it through the day.

Tomorrow, I get to go see Dr Handsome for my 9 week follow up on my hip surgery. A very long drive which I am having anxiety about. But I have to go, and little one has OT so hubby has to take her to that.  Im not really sure what he will do at this appointment, or what he tell me I am allowed to do.  I am pretty certain that my other hip has the same issue but, it also could have to do with the fact that I have overcompensated the other hip.  So I will probably wait a while to make sure it’s not just that.

My anxiety has been somewhat high lately, and I haven’t been as diligent at taking my valium and I have been getting chest pains, pains that wrap around my whole body and hurt into my back. I need to be better at taking them, because obviously missing them is really affecting me.

I got groceries alone, and I am really thinking I need to disappear…

Hubby and I made a deal, if I did the grocery shopping he would wash all the eggs we had waiting to be washed. I agreed to the deal and then remembered he would have washed them all anyway. CRAP! But no takebacks. So off I went to Walmart.  As usual I put my reusable bags in the bottom of the cart whenI walked in so when my cart was overfowing (literally – we try to shop a month at time for things other than perishables)….So I had to dig through the cart to get those out. Fun times.  And I hate the way people look at me when my cart is overflowing. Take a picture it’ll last longer…. they probably do and I am on the people of Walmart site somewhere.  Once I finished Walmart I went to the local grocery store for meat. We don’t buy our meat at Walmart.

So I get home and one child ignores me and the other hollers at me.  I said maybe it would be better if I were gone.  And I wasn’t kidding.  I am so tired of being disrespected, not listened to, and ignored. I want to run away.  Part of me wants to go empty all our accounts and take off.  You know, I would settle for a full night, and full day alone in a motel with no one talking to me, no one bothering me, no one ignoring me. But that’ll never happen. So my next wish is to be sick or hurt enough to go to the hospital for a day or three.  Have meals brought to me, lay in bed and sleep as much as I want without people poking me awake.

Mary Poppins asked me about self harm the other day.  I told her I have been thinking about it a lot, especially since I can’t turn to junk food anymore if I am going to follow what the endocrinologist wants…. and I don’t want to end up like dad. But I told her I would be having my other hand done soon so I have to wait.  She joked that she was going to keep me scheduled in surgeries indefinitely …. I got plenty she could schedule- weight loss, skin removal, breast reduction, tonsillectomy, fix my other hip, lobotomy…ok that last one was a joke.

Im tired. And it’s not lack of sleep tired. I’m worn.  And I have to spend tomorrow with my mom and step dad. It’ll be the first time I have seen him since “the text”. My husband wants to punch him out… Thankfully I know he has more self control…. I hope.


What would you be if you weren’t a human?

Today I was getting gas before heading to see Mary Poppins, and the pump was running up higher and higher, I was watching a spider climbed down on her silk and I was thinking about how nice it would be to be a spider. It got me thinking about charlottes web. Charlotte had a job to do all she had to do was spin her web, and spin a new one every day untuntil it was time to lay her eggs and then she passed on. The babies grew in her egg sack hatched, and all but 3 flew off to make their own life, without the influence of a parent, their successes were their own, and their failures their own. And I was thinking about how much I might like to be a spider.  Just spinning my webs, day after day.

What I learned about Charlotte was she is an Araneus cavaticus.

Barn Spiders (Araneus cavaticus) are large, grayish, heavy-bodied spiders. This is one of the Araneus species known as “angulate”, a reference to the well-developed “shoulder humps”. On the underside of the abdomen it has a broad black band running down the center, the forward half bordered by two curving yellow lines, with a pair of yellow spots near the center of this band. Barn Spiders are found in the eastern United States from New England and adjacent Canada southwest through West Virginia to Alabama and Texas, but are generally more common in the northern part of the range. They often often build their webs around structures such as barns, bridges, arbors, fences, and porches, but have also been found beneath overhanging cliffs.

Adults of both sexes are densely covered with spines and hair-like bristles. The legs of the male are very long and thin and densely covered with long, thin spines. Body length is around 13 to 22 mm for females and 10 to 19 mm for males.

Orb webs are taken down (consumed) at the end of each night and rebult the next night. Most of the web is effectively solubilized and recycled by the spider (Townley and Tillinghast 1988).

This species is famous in literature as the model for Charlotte in Charlotte’s Web by the 20th century American author E.B. White.

But then I thought about all the people that hate spiders and the fact that I might get smooshed.

I thought about a maple tree.  Providing sap in the spring and gorgeous colors in the fall. But I could get chopped down and made into a piece of furniture, or a hardwood floor I suppose that wouldn’t be so bad….

I don’t know why I was thinking this, but it’s all I could think abut my entire trip to Mary Poppins office….

So what would you be if you weren’t a human?



How Did I Get Here?

Do you ever just look around at your life and wonder what the heck happened any how you got here?

I got the results of my thyroid etc tests.  Everything was perfect, even my TSH went from 4.08 to 1.82. My antibodies were negative, my adrenal was fine everything was perfect. Except it’s not.  That means all my problems are between my ears.

It’s sad to think that good news made me sad. I should be happy my thyroid isn’t shot, but I’m not.  That would have provided an explanation that went beyond psychiatric. But no. I couldn’t get so lucky.  I know that sounds ridiculous but without a medical explanation it is all psychiatric. That’s so depressing.

That’s all I have for now.