Month: February 2019

I’m drowning (in schoolwork)

This semester school is kicking my butt.  It could be that the depression is back with a vengeance.  Was put on yet another med- Topamax- I forget how many that makes now– too many.  But also I am taking a 7 week class.  Psychology of adolescence.  Holy Moly.  A 7 week class when you are 18 is a world of difference when you are 40.  I am barely hanging on by a thread, add to that homeschooling 2 kids, 3 hours of therapy, and my lack of motivation -yet my need for perfection- Im teetering on the edge.  Just need to make it till March 9 and I will be down to 3 classes, and May 10 and it’s done.  Graduation, May 11.

Been feeling pretty crappy lately.  I have had this impending sense of doom.  I am convinced sometime utterly terrible is going to happen… I don’t know what it is, but something truly horrible.  Logically I know I am probably dreaming but I can’t help but get a pit in my stomach when I let my mind wander.

Homeschooling is… going… well… it’s hard.  I know it’s what’s best. But it’s hard.  It’s hard under the best of circumstances but given all the circumstances we have going it’s super hard.  But we have some really good days.  And I am so thankful that I don’t have to send them back to a place that isn’t good for them.  It’s good for some kids, definitely.  My kids just don’t fit in that box.

In other news, we are still waiting on news of hubby’s disability claim, but when I checked the claim status it told me it can’t display the status right now, that is a good sign that there is movement.  Fingers crossed.

I guess it’s time to get back to the grind.

Until next time.

In an effort to be more productive….

The other day I was thinking about how much time I spend scrolling up and down my newsfeed, and refreshing over and over again.  I decided to shut off all notifications of facebook (but not messenger since that’s my main means of communication with just about everyone).  I moved the app to an unused page of my phone screen.

Poof.  Less facebook = so much more time for everything else right?  WRONG.  Haven’t been to facebook in 2 days so far.  But I find other ways to waste my time- staring at the kitchen clock works well.  As does laying my head on my laptop.  Oh Oh and sitting staring into space.  There’s not shortage of time wasters in my vicinity.

I have had super duper anxiety lately, and yet very little affect.  I just have no motivation to even move my face… but my legs are jiggling like crazy under the table….

I need to get motivated and get through this semester then – graduation at which time I can commence sleeping in my chair all day again.

Fat.

We went to the store the other day and hubby told me the other day while we were at Wal-Mart to buy myself some clothes.  We had a little extra money and he knows I have like 3 shirts, 2 pairs of pants, and a jacket that won’t zip.  So I said ok.  I picked out about 4 shirt on clearance (all less than 7 dollars!), and a new winter jacket (also on clearance less than 30 bucks!).  The jacket is great, as are 2 of the shirts, but the other two are too small.  They are all the same size- a size bigger than I have ever had my life and they still don’t fit.

In theory I want to lose weight.  I have more than 100lbs to lose. In theory I make all these plans of how I will lose the weight, and I wake up in the morning and it just seems too much.  Too much work.  Too much thinking.  Too much tracking.  Too much time.  Just too much.

But then I don’t.  And I hate myself.  Which makes me want to eat – because it’s comforting and one of my drugs of choice.  And then I hate myself for overeating.  So I eat more…. and the circle goes round and round.

And that leaves me- fat, miserable, and hating myself.

So what do I do? If I knew I would do it.  But instead I get on the hamster wheel day after day and do the same cycle over and over.   For how long? Who knows.