I hear it all the time- “fake it till you make it”. And that’s what I have been doing the past couple months. Faking it. And I think I do a pretty good job, only those closest to me know the truth.
In fact last week I was lamenting to my husband that I think all my friends hate me now, and that I don’t have any friends. He told me that I am lost in my own head. He’s right. My brain never stops.
I am convinced I am doing everything wrong with my children, I am scared for Big One, he says he’s being bullied at high school, and his doctor’s and therapist say I need to let him try to work it out. But I don’t want to, and I am worried about him. I am worried he will be bullied so badly he will become a statistic- I almost did in high school, until I found a group. So what if they were just 4 of the nerdiest boys in school. I had a group where I could feel safe. I want that for him. Little one is reading now. I should be happy right? Im not. Im not happy because I didn’t teach her, I tried- oh how I tried. But I couldn’t do it.
Sometimes I miss homeschooling, I miss my homeschooling tribe. But I also know I am in no way capable of homeschooling at this point. And may never be with Big one, and Little one- she loves school. It would be selfish of me to not let her go.
I am tired of being sore. My ankles are still sore and I am still in PT for those. And my hips still need help, I can’t sit criss-cross-applesauce.
I am concerned about finances. We pretty much put this whole Christmas on credit. Not good. I am praying with all I have that hubby gets his Social Security approval so we can pay down our debts.
I am not sure I like my new counselor, no particular reason I am just not sure I like her.
I am worried ( when I say, worried, concerned etc what I really mean is extremely anxious) about hubby and his medical issues. He slept a good 8 hours last night and now he’s sleeping in his chair snoring- it’s 10:32am.
I am worried that this is as good as life gets. I am sick of being poor, sick of hubby being sick (not because I am annoyed with him, but because I feel bad for him and me, we can’t do the things we used to), I am sick of Big One being emotionally and verbally abusive. I am sick of the way he and little one play off each other and fight. I often consider running away, and have thought a lot about a crisis unit.
Basically my life is a mess. A complete mess. And I don’t know how to clean it up.
Until next time.