Devastated….

Its been a couple days, and today I met with the kids med management doctor -let’s call her Julie Andrews. We started with big one, not much to say.  Things are about the same, we cut out his anti-anxiety medication since it wasn’t working and he was feeling manic but controllable.

But then it was little one’s turn. She saw her behavior- running all over the place, hyperactive, and defiant.  So she and I decided what meds to put her on, and then talked about the school thing.  And she talked me into it. I feel somewhat coerced, somewhat forced, but I just can’t let it go.  I don’t want to leave my baby at school.  I can’t imagine it.

I am worried she will end up like me, she’s so tender hearted- people will probably take advantage of her.  But as my counselor said that I am only looking at the bad “what-if” situations. What-if it goes well?

There’s no room in my head for that scenario. All the bad ones are swirling around in there, my brain is full, my head hurts, it pounds from crying so much, my eyes burn, and I have a stomach ache.

She starts school Monday.  Tomorrow I will go down with her, turn in the paperwork, and I will see if they let her see where the classroom is, where things are.  It might make me feel better.  She’s excited to go, I wish I could say the same thing.

 

Am I the only one?

Am I the only one who feels. Like they are failing at this parenting thing?  Am I the only one forgetting to extend grace and yelling instead?  Am I the only one who often dreams of running away- but knows she’d miss her kids and husband too much? 

I have had a bad couple weeks. Depression is weighing me down like an anchor. Anxiety, OCD and intrusive thoughts run my life. I am severely lacking in short term memory….. so much so my sister noticed. 

Shouldn’t I see some improvement? It’s been like 9 months. And nothing, worse if anything. I’m so sick of being like this. Mood swings, anger, sadness, apathy, panic… what’s it going to take to make it go away?????

You know what it means when it’s been a while…

So last week I had my final carpal tunnel surgery yay I get the stitches out on Friday looking forward to that. But I feel like everything else in my life is pretty shitty, my memory seems to have lapses timeframes that I can’t remember which concerns me. I didn’t have any memory of seeing my counselor last week, I thought it was the week before.

I am not doing well at all.  I scratched today, only once before I realized the OT for my carpal tunnel will be looking at my hands tomorrow.  It can pass as a cat scratch.  I just can’t handle much more.

My husband’s disability was denied so we have to go through the appeal process.  My student loan servicer keeps making me redo this form, and when I do what they say they tell me it’s wrong.  Im hoping todays form is right or I might just say fuck it, try to collect 1300 a month from a family that doesn’t even make that.

Big one is a high schooler so I expect more from him and he screams at me.  I can’t take it.  I just want to run away. My little one I can’t get her to get in here to do her work and I have no fight left in me.

Usually hubby is here to help but today was his mentoring with our pastor, he offered to cancel, but I think this is important, he needs to have a good male Christian model, he needs to learn how to be the spiritual leader. Plus he needs friends and people to talk to.

Today I was driving to the post office and my phone rang, I stopped in the middle of the road to figure out how to answer the phone.  Who does that?  My brain is not working right.  I’ve been crying all day.  I went to the post office to mail 2 things, and when I got home I realized one of them was still in the car. So I had to go back. I put pancakes in the toaster for little one, and forgot to give them to her for breakfast. Hubby gave them to her just before noon.  thankfully she’s a good forager and she had eaten a non mom approved breakfast.

And my dad.  I am now the primary on his advanced directive, I am the one his social worker calls, I’m supposed to convince him to make good decisions so he won’t die. Instead he screams at me, tells me he’s going to kill himself so I have to report that.

I can’t take much more.  I am about to snap.

Maybe I am not ready to change? What if I don’t want to- what does that make me?

As I was working on coloring sheet #7 tonight (I am up to owing PollyAnna 9 and I don’t see her until Thursday), I was thinking first that, taking something I enjoy and making it a punishment might be counterproductive.  Second, I was thinking maybe I am just not ready to change.  I didn’t want to do therapy at first.  I have tried it so many times in my life, and I really feel like I never get much out of it, because I suck at change.  I suck at sticking with things and I get very defensive and take everything personally.

I realize the medication alone isn’t the answer, and therapy alone isn’t the answer, that they have to work together – but what happens when I just don’t get it.  I don’t get what her point is in stopping my naps.  Shouldn’t we work on what’s making me want to nap rather than taking away the only coping skill I have?  And I am honestly so dead tired after I leave the house that a hurricane couldn’t wake me up.  As evidenced that I don’t even remember my alarm going off this afternoon.  I set it for the allowed hour and I have no recollection of shutting it off.  Hubby said it went off forever before I shut it off.

I was sleeping in the chair in the living room while little one played, loudly, and watched Boss Baby.  Obviously I was exhausted. So what good is it doing taking that away from me?  But hubby suggested she make me clean a room instead if I nap but that requires energy and motivation I also lack.

Shouldn’t the meds be doing more before we start making big changes? I don’t know just the ramblings of a crazy lady at 11:23pm.

The Apathy is Gone…

The apathy I have been feeling for a couple weeks is gone and now I waffle between angry, frustrated and downright sad- or whats a worse word for sad?

Today at church today the Pastor was reading calls from people to their loved ones on 9/11 and I had tears streaming down my cheeks and I don’t cry in public, heck I don’t cry much at all.  Hubby held my hand and that was a really sweet gesture, it made me feel loved and protected.

We got home from church and I was irritated and sad so I set my alarm for 1 hour for a nap and apparently it went off and I just shut it off and slept another hour- I now owe PollyAnna 9 coloring sheets.  Awesome. It sucks to be punished for doing something you enjoy most.

My kids have been fighting and sniping at each other all day.  It’s a rainy chilly day so that means no outside time and they are stir crazy.

Big one is telling me how I should be parenting little one  I said fine, if you can do it better, go ahead parent her.

I am so tired of everyone telling me what to do, what not to do, how to feel, how not to feel.  How to express myself and how not to. I feel trapped.  This blog is the only place I feel like I can truly say anything on my heart and no one will contradict me, or placate me, or tell me my feelings are wrong…

It’s been almost a year since my breakdown, and I am no closer to being better than the day it happened.  I am so tired of pretending everything is fine.  Im back to telling people “good” when they ask how I am.  Ive figured out the truth no one really wants to know. I don’t want to be around anyone, I just want to stay at home watching TV, sleeping and listening to audio books.  But unfortunately expectations make this impossible. Being an adult sucks.

 

Slower than usual….

My brother commented that my blog had slowed down.  He was right.  I told him it’s because Im at a point where I just don’t care most of the time. It’s like this feeling of apathy. I am an automaton I just get through the day most of the time. I get up as late as I can- today it was 10am, on school days I try to get up by 7am, but I have been getting up at 8 or 8:30. I eat breakfast usually a yogurt (which honestly, I hate worth a passion).  Or a bowl of cereal- much more yummy, but bad for me sugar wise. Then we start school, my kids don’t exactly cooperate for that.  I love them more than life itself, but it’s so exhausting to school both children.  Big one is more independent plus he had gone to public school for the first 3 years, so someone else had taught him to read, and he didn’t have an eye problem like little one has. So I feel like a failure, I know it’s not my fault nor is it her fault but it’s hard. Homeschooling is so hard.

I have a freshman who will do anything to get out of assignments or do the bare minimum but has lofty goals of MIT and working for Nintendo as a video game creator.  It’s a constant battle to get him to finish the assignments, and to top it off he has all his therapies- counseling 20 hours of in home support.  Which in and of itself is awkward – I don’t even know how to spell awkward anymore… was that right? In home supports to help teach him skills, up his tolerance levels, etc.  But I feel like she’s always watching me.  Every time I fall asleep from exhaustion, or I give in when I am supposed to hold my ground I wonder what she’s writing about me on her notes. In fact I got a call from her supervisor yesterday basically telling me that I can’t change the treatment plan without a meeting to discuss it.  Excuse me? Here’s what went down.  Big One has to do a 20 minute activity with little one very shift and it has to be her choice of activities with some exceptions – no dolls, dress up etc. During that time he whines, moans and complains, which makes the time less than pleasant for little one. And little one has been complaining that big one hasn’t been  spending much time with her, in fact none save the 20 minute activity he yells and screams through. So I said let’s let each of them choose a 30 minute activity and then it will be fair and there will be something for everyone. But apparently as his MOTHER that’s not allowed.  Not to mention that he’s bipolar and on the spectrum.  In the time it’s taken me to write this I have had to remind him to do the same chore no less than 6 times, and he’s interrupted this paragraph no less than 10 times with video game and Pokemon stories that I don’t care about, and he doesn’t seem to care that I am doing something.  This coming week we add Math to our lessons so life is about to get interesting.

Then there is little one. She’s A LOT, she’s busy, she’s ADHD and anxiety, we were doing Ritalin but she didn’t sleep, so we tried adding a sleeping pill that didn’t work. So Hubby and I just stopped medicating her and living with it. But I am sure the Dr won’t be happy about that either. I had talked to her and she suggested just cutting the afternoon dose but my kid was just so calm- eerily calm- like stepford children calm- and I wasn’t having that. It creeped me out.  She’s my bubbly, happy kid and I can’t lose that I have sullen bipolar teenager I can’t lose the light in the family.

And as for me, PollyAnna is hard on me which I need but sometimes it seems too much. Like I am only allowed 1 nap a day lasting no more than 1 hour, and for each hour I nap I have to color her a page….  I napped 3 consecutive hours yesterday because I had to go to our homeschool co op kickoff and socialize and pretend life is good, and it just took all I had. So I owe her 3 pages.

My dad isn’t speaking with my sister so I am the one that gets the social work calls, I am the one being asked to try to force him to do things.  He still intimidates me, how am I supposed to force him to do anything.

We are slowly creeping up on the one year anniversary of my breakdown at my mom’s fall/halloween themed weekend and my stomach churns every time I think about it. But not going isn’t an option.  I feel like for the most part I have no control over my own life. Everyone tells me where I should be, where I have to be, who I have be. Im not even who I used to be.

I used to cook. A lot. I used to bake. I was known for my cooking- no exaggeration, this morning I couldn’t even make my signature breakfast- Crepes. They looked like a mess of goo….

IMG_8035

I don’t know what’s next for me.  And that’s why I don’t write as much.  Even the thought of getting the computer out to type a blog seems like more energy than I have to expend.

Today I am sad for the first time in a while.  That is so much more comfortable for me than apathy.  Not caring, indifference scares me.  It makes me worried about where I go from there.

My final carpal tunnel surgery is on Tuesday, and for the first time in my life I haven’t bitten my nails in months.  Yes some of them have broken but I have some nice long ones.  And long sleeve weather is upon us…. after surgery I can use my favorite coping skill….

I gut that’s all. Until next time.  There brother of mine, the fat ugly truth of it all. Sis isn’t doing well AT ALL.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One problem taken care of.

So at the urging of PollyAnna I called my endocrinologist and told her how sick the meteormin was making me, and she told me to stop taking it.  I don’t have to taper off, I can just stop taking it. I didn’t take it today and lo and behold I had zero nausea, zero heart burn, nothing.  That was the best thing that happened today.

Both kids got their school work done and in a pretty timely fashion. So that was another good thing.

There were only a couple blowouts between brother and sister. They are 7 years apart but still fight like they are the same age.  It’s irritating.

I tackled mount laundry I still have the socks to mate, but hey it’s something.

My dad’s social worker called me today.  She needs him to plan and pay for his funeral before he can go to long term care, but he’s in denial he thinks he can live alone. The assisted living places wouldn’t even take him because he needs too high a level of care. She asked me to talk to him about it again.  I really can’t handle this stuff with all my own problems.  I did bring it up to him and he got irritated with me, and told me that we should stop talking about something that would make him angry so we stopped, but I have had anxiety ever since. I am just not capable of taking care of him and all his issues.   I don’t handle death as we have discussed previously. And I won’t even go to his funeral if there is one. Talking to her really stressed me out.  I know he’s going to die, and soon, but by the social worker talking to me I can’t avoid it, like I want to and always do. And since he’s only talking to me, it’s all on me.  My sister was handling all this but he’s not talking to her, so now it’s all on me. And he calls me 8 or so times a day.  I get that he’s lonely but it’s just too much it’s another thing that my brain can’t handle.  But I suck at boundaries and so I have no way to tell him I can’t talk to him so much. And I have to be “the good daughter”.  I can’t stand people being angry, upset, or disappointed in me. I can’t stop thinking about it.  I take everything personally, everything is always my fault.

My anxiety was terrible all day today I was shaking and starting to have that buzzing feeling.  I didn’t get a nap and I needed one badly. But it seems like every minute someone needed something from me. At least I didn’t have to leave the house today.

I guess that’s all, there was a specific reason I started this post tonight but I already forgot.  My brain does not work as well as it used to….. actually I just remembered.  I was talking to my dad tonight and he said “are you still depressed?” Like it’s something that I am just going to get over one day.  And then  he started to tell me I sounded like my grandmother (mother’s side), (no one liked her, she was mean, hateful and abusive) I asked him what he meant and he said something like “well she was always giving crap to her husband and kids”.  I wanted to hang up on him right there.  I do NOT give my kids and husband crap, I take it all out on myself, I stuff and avoid.  How on earth could he even begin to compare me to her.

See this is the crap that has given me the crappy self esteem and self image all my life. He’s always making me out to be a horrible person, or fat, or ugly, or a disappointment. It’ll never change.

The social worker wants to call me again tomorrow. yay! something else to keep me up all night.

For those of you whose blogs I regularly read I am sorry I am so behind I am working to catch up and I hope you are all well.