So today was PollyAnna day. It had already been a crappy day we found out that Big One needs glasses and he was NOT happy. Then both kids had med management appointments, they tweaked both kids’ meds- big one is getting something that will help with his high anxiety, and little one is getting a long acting version of a med she’s already taking so that we ALL can have some sleep since little one comes in our bed every night at 2am.
After their med appointments I met with PollyAnna, she is a typical counselor who answers a question with a question and never spoon feeds you ANYTHING. This week we talked a lot about 1. avoidance….. how I was even avoiding her questions to the point that I didn’t remember the question. 2. Why I feel like everyone’ s happiness, success, sadness and failures fall on my head, that I don’t have that kind of control and 3. change. Do I really WANT to change and what am I willing to do to change.
Im supposed to think about that this week.
- Do I want to/am I ready to change?
- What am I willing to do to change?
I asked her change what? What part? There’s much to change… and she said “how can I tell you what to change first?” Im like you are NO HELP.
And then what am I willing to do? I have no idea how to change, Ive been this way my whole life and so how would I know how to change. If I knew how to change I would have done that already. How am I supposed to answer these questions if I don’t even know where to begin. So confusing. So hard.
Hubby and I made a deal, if I did the grocery shopping he would wash all the eggs we had waiting to be washed. I agreed to the deal and then remembered he would have washed them all anyway. CRAP! But no takebacks. So off I went to Walmart. As usual I put my reusable bags in the bottom of the cart whenI walked in so when my cart was overfowing (literally – we try to shop a month at time for things other than perishables)….So I had to dig through the cart to get those out. Fun times. And I hate the way people look at me when my cart is overflowing. Take a picture it’ll last longer…. they probably do and I am on the people of Walmart site somewhere. Once I finished Walmart I went to the local grocery store for meat. We don’t buy our meat at Walmart.
So I get home and one child ignores me and the other hollers at me. I said maybe it would be better if I were gone. And I wasn’t kidding. I am so tired of being disrespected, not listened to, and ignored. I want to run away. Part of me wants to go empty all our accounts and take off. You know, I would settle for a full night, and full day alone in a motel with no one talking to me, no one bothering me, no one ignoring me. But that’ll never happen. So my next wish is to be sick or hurt enough to go to the hospital for a day or three. Have meals brought to me, lay in bed and sleep as much as I want without people poking me awake.
Mary Poppins asked me about self harm the other day. I told her I have been thinking about it a lot, especially since I can’t turn to junk food anymore if I am going to follow what the endocrinologist wants…. and I don’t want to end up like dad. But I told her I would be having my other hand done soon so I have to wait. She joked that she was going to keep me scheduled in surgeries indefinitely …. I got plenty she could schedule- weight loss, skin removal, breast reduction, tonsillectomy, fix my other hip, lobotomy…ok that last one was a joke.
Im tired. And it’s not lack of sleep tired. I’m worn. And I have to spend tomorrow with my mom and step dad. It’ll be the first time I have seen him since “the text”. My husband wants to punch him out… Thankfully I know he has more self control…. I hope.
So little one had OT today. Little One wanted me to come in but I really want her to gain some confidence in that area so I told her I would be in in a while but never came in.
At the end of the session little one likes “talk time”, and her OT today told me she thought it would be a good idea that little one get a therapist or a counselor; because her “worries” are bigger than they should be for a girl her age. She worries about the fact that she wants to marry the boy that lives next door but she’s not allowed to play with him (we aren’t thrilled with their family but we allow them to play- it’s their family who have an issue), she also said “mommy hasn’t reached all her dreams”. That broke my heart. Why should she worry about me. She’s almost 7, she needs to worry about what she’s going to play with next. She is so my mini-me. Worry, worry, worry.
So on the way home I called where big one goes to counseling, and got the ball rolling for a therapist. I hope it doesn’t take long. My poor baby.
Hubby and I were talking about my double brain and I told him that my anxiety used to try to organize it all… and ow because anxiety is muted when it tries to organize OCD yells at anxiety because it’s not organized enough, and this doesn’t go next to that. And then the depression says it’s too much work just leave it- let it be and embrace the chaos and go to sleep. And PTSD is always on watch that OCD not touch certain things even to organize them because that’ll burn. It’s a mess in my head!!!
Whew what a session today. She called me out on every time I avoided, or tried to change the subject.
Today we talked about mom’s non response- which she has responded now. I am still processing the response but it’s better than I expected.
I don’t remember all the stuff we talked about, I was on screech today, jumping from topic to topic until we got to the topic of my brain, and how I feel like it’s separated into two parts. One side is orderly. It’s where I keep this filing cabinet of information, facts, dates, numbers, things I can pull out of a hat to impress people with my knowledge and my intelligence. I need validation and praise. I thrive on it, it’s like a drug.
The other half of my brain is chaos it’s where everything else is. That’s where everything else is. The negative feelings, negative self talk, sadness abuse, avoidance, feeling not good enough etc etc.
And I’m standing between A double yellow line trying to walk in both parts of my brain. My sister calls that ambivalence I call it exhaustion…
I don’t know what I would look like without chaos in my brain, and I worry that I would look like a super Duper control freak if I I only had order, my sister wants to know why order has to equal control and that’s a question I can’t answer. How can it not equal control because in order to have order someone has to set up that order.
Pollyanna asked if I’m ready to live without The chaos and to be honest with you I don’t know.
Submission in a marriage gets a bad rap. It’s not what mainstream media would have you believe. The woman is not a slave, she is not silent, she is not subservient. The man is the head of the household, but they are partners. But sometimes things can’t be agreed upon and unless it’s against the law, or a sin the woman is supposed to defer to the man- and let me tell you since becoming a Christian that’s one of my favorite parts. I always had to make the tough calls, but now that hubby is saved he is the head of the household as well as the spiritual leader of our home. I can hand that hat to him. If you want to know more about what marital submission REALLY is, don’t read mainstream media, go to the source, check out Christian resources. Men and women are equal partners, with different roles. Men and women are different for a reason.
Anyway all that to say, tomorrow is going to be a very long day for me. I have to drop big one at Church 35 minutes away by 8am, and at 11am not far away I see PollyAnna. It doesn’t make sense to go home so I figured I would go to a coffee shop and read, or blog, or catch up on blogs, but hubby- STRONGLY suggested I contact a friend and visit for a while. I put it off until almost 10pm tonight, but I finally submitted and texted her. No response yet. I won’t cry if she’s not available 😉
I also get to see the endocrinologist tomorrow. I am nervous and happy at the same time. I know we need to talk about the thyroid, but I also want to talk about my insulin resistance which is what she used to treat me for. I don’t want to end up like my dad in 18 years.
Today was a LONG day. I had PT, then went to Walmart for some necessities. When I got home little one was too sick to go to the birthday party we had been invited to, so I went. It took some courage on my part to go and socialize AND be outside but I made it, and I enjoyed seeing my friends that I haven’t seen in a while. I am proud of myself.
My mom still hasn’t responded to my email and it’s making me extremely anxious, I want to know what she has to say good or bad.
I guess that’s about all for today. I am sure I will blog tomorrow. Wish me luck for my very long day ahead.
*update- friend texted back going to her house after I drop big one off**
My apologies to all the blogs I follow, I am way behind in reading them! I am trying to get caught up but my kids and appointments have been keeping me so busy. I will read and probably comment on all your blogs. Just give me some time. Big One is off to a youth group trip this weekend, and so I should have some extra time.
Today was CRAZY. First a 45 minute drive to little one’s OT, which she did AWESOME with this time. I am so glad she’s settling into that routine. Then the 2 hour drive to the city to meet up with hubby’s best friend from high school – we see each other once or twice a year. He, his wife and his baby live several states away and it’s a 12 hour drive for us, but he comes up to visit his family who live only one state away. So we meet in the middle. But it was just so exhausting. My hip was sore and my foot was sore from all the sitting and traveling.
We didn’t get home till around 9pm. I paid all our bills for the month of August and now I am watching The Circle, and obviously blogging. I think we are going to change our venue when I finish this because I need to ice my hip and my feet.
PT tomorrow. And Thursday I have PollyAnna, and then there was a cancellation for the endocrinologist so YAY!
Until next time…