Mundane life….

Lately it seems like every day is like the one before.  The new med the endocrinologist put me on makes me sick, I either nauseous or have gastro issues.  I can’t even remember what happened the past couple days. Well, with the exception on yesterday.

Right now we are in school prep mode, so I am trying to gather all our curriculum and clean the school room, that became a junk room over the past year because we schooled at the table, but hubby wants to separate the kids- probably a good idea. I don’t have much energy to get it done.  The old me would have had it done weeks ago, and school planned till Christmas. I will probably end up doing all my planning last minute.

Yesterday, I was scheduled to go see my mother, sister, brother-in-law, nephew and step-dad. I was going to wear the snarkiest shirt I have “Im real good at making bad decisions”, but after I did my quiet time and read my Bible, the Holy Spirit prompted me with an article on how to make WISE decisions and one of them was “does it glorify God?” So, I unpacked my snarky shirt and wore a plain purple one.   I went with the intention of not discussing the email, and to go with a spirit that Jesus would have, of love, forgiveness and reconciliation.  And as always God’s way was the best way.  The BBQ went fine, the kids had fun, the email was not brought up and life moved on.  That’s not to say I didn’t want to point out how different my kids were this year since last year, but I resisted the urge.  It wasn’t easy.  But I made it through the day.

Tomorrow, I get to go see Dr Handsome for my 9 week follow up on my hip surgery. A very long drive which I am having anxiety about. But I have to go, and little one has OT so hubby has to take her to that.  Im not really sure what he will do at this appointment, or what he tell me I am allowed to do.  I am pretty certain that my other hip has the same issue but, it also could have to do with the fact that I have overcompensated the other hip.  So I will probably wait a while to make sure it’s not just that.

My anxiety has been somewhat high lately, and I haven’t been as diligent at taking my valium and I have been getting chest pains, pains that wrap around my whole body and hurt into my back. I need to be better at taking them, because obviously missing them is really affecting me.

I got groceries alone, and I am really thinking I need to disappear…

Hubby and I made a deal, if I did the grocery shopping he would wash all the eggs we had waiting to be washed. I agreed to the deal and then remembered he would have washed them all anyway. CRAP! But no takebacks. So off I went to Walmart.  As usual I put my reusable bags in the bottom of the cart whenI walked in so when my cart was overfowing (literally – we try to shop a month at time for things other than perishables)….So I had to dig through the cart to get those out. Fun times.  And I hate the way people look at me when my cart is overflowing. Take a picture it’ll last longer…. they probably do and I am on the people of Walmart site somewhere.  Once I finished Walmart I went to the local grocery store for meat. We don’t buy our meat at Walmart.

So I get home and one child ignores me and the other hollers at me.  I said maybe it would be better if I were gone.  And I wasn’t kidding.  I am so tired of being disrespected, not listened to, and ignored. I want to run away.  Part of me wants to go empty all our accounts and take off.  You know, I would settle for a full night, and full day alone in a motel with no one talking to me, no one bothering me, no one ignoring me. But that’ll never happen. So my next wish is to be sick or hurt enough to go to the hospital for a day or three.  Have meals brought to me, lay in bed and sleep as much as I want without people poking me awake.

Mary Poppins asked me about self harm the other day.  I told her I have been thinking about it a lot, especially since I can’t turn to junk food anymore if I am going to follow what the endocrinologist wants…. and I don’t want to end up like dad. But I told her I would be having my other hand done soon so I have to wait.  She joked that she was going to keep me scheduled in surgeries indefinitely …. I got plenty she could schedule- weight loss, skin removal, breast reduction, tonsillectomy, fix my other hip, lobotomy…ok that last one was a joke.

Im tired. And it’s not lack of sleep tired. I’m worn.  And I have to spend tomorrow with my mom and step dad. It’ll be the first time I have seen him since “the text”. My husband wants to punch him out… Thankfully I know he has more self control…. I hope.

 

How Did I Get Here?

Do you ever just look around at your life and wonder what the heck happened any how you got here?

I got the results of my thyroid etc tests.  Everything was perfect, even my TSH went from 4.08 to 1.82. My antibodies were negative, my adrenal was fine everything was perfect. Except it’s not.  That means all my problems are between my ears.

It’s sad to think that good news made me sad. I should be happy my thyroid isn’t shot, but I’m not.  That would have provided an explanation that went beyond psychiatric. But no. I couldn’t get so lucky.  I know that sounds ridiculous but without a medical explanation it is all psychiatric. That’s so depressing.

That’s all I have for now.

Working up a sweat

Last night was a BAD depression night. The OT had me really upset about little one’s worries, and all I could think was that the author of the email was right. I was ruining my children. Everything is all my fault. That I should just leave they would be better off without me.

So today I avoided in the morning- I napped and read. Then I had PT.  And I pushed HARD! I did the upright bike first as always and my goal was to do 1.75miles in 8 minutes on level 8. I know that doesn’t sound like much but remember I had hip surgery 8 weeks ago. And then it was the leg press machine, and I just really pushed HARD the entire hour session.  I was red faced and sweating. I have always found that when I am upset if I physically push myself I can stop myself from thinking a little bit at least.  The last 5 or 6 minutes she massaged the muscle that connects to my IT band and man it hurt so good.

After I got done with PT I got a text from my dad’s ex and he was being brought back to the hospital from the hotel.   He fell off the toilet and hit his head. And that he was finally agreeing to go to assisted living.  He called me later and I got more information. He fell off the toilet trying to reach his walker.  He not only hit his head but he fractured his hip :(. I am happy that he’s back in the hospital, but I don’t know if he’s healthy enough for hip surgery, for them to put in pins.  This means he missed dialysis today. I pray and hope this is a wake up call for him.

I know it was a wake up call for me. My endocrinologist wants me on 2000mg of metformin for my insulin resistance, and she wants me on the diabetic diet, and finally to lose 10lbs in 6 months.  My plan was to wait tilll month 5 and lose the 10lbs, but hubby put things into perspective, he said: “so you are going to do the exact thing that your dad does that makes you so angry?”. BURN. So today I started researching some protein shakes to help with snacks since I often turn to crackers, chips, cereal etc.  I will probably have to go back to yogurt, oatmeal, eggs for breakfast and quit the Cocoa Pebbles. I don’t want to end up like my dad. I want to live a life I can enjoy once my children are grown. So now in addition to getting mentally healthy I have to work on my physical health and well-being.  This may just push me over the edge, but we shall see….

Until next time….

Sick little one…..

For those of you with OCD you are either going to understand this, or the majority of you will read this and think I am a monster.

My youngest, my princess is sick. I have been saying for 2 days it’s strep but daddy wasn’t so convinced.  It being Friday I brought her in because I didn’t want to end up in the ER this weekend, and low and behold it’s strep. Mother’s intuition, there’s nothing like it.

Anyway I am walking a very fine line here. I really struggle when someone in my household is sick.  I feel compassion, but I have a very hard time caring for them because I am unhealthily afraid of their germs.  It’s almost as if I can see the germs passing around in the air, on my stuff. It’s like I want to pack a suitcase and run away until the illness has passed.  It’s been such a hard line. I want to pick her up and cuddle her 6 year old self, but my brain has a red alert sound going off.  It’s literally like fight or flight mode. I am wiping things down with Clorox wipes, I am washing my hands constantly, she brought me 3 blueberries yesterday and I washed them with antibacterial hand wipes before I would eat them. Yes, it has progressed that far. I won’t let her near my phone, I won’t touch her iPad.

In the end I will probably still end up getting strep, and I will survive it, and life will go on, no one will go up in smoke.  But I am literally shaking afraid of these germs floating in our air, waiting to jump on me from furniture, door knobs, sink handles. I wish I wasn’t like this. I wish I could just let her climb in bed with me, but I can’t. I can’t touch the remote until it’s been sanitized, I picked up her toys and immediately scrubbed my hands. I lost count how many times I have washed my hands today. This is a terrible way to live. But I don’t know any other way.  And really, it’s strep- not that big of a deal but my  brain works like this ebola is the same as strep is the same as the common cold. Literally. My brain is so broken.

Lest you all think I am a monster- I did tuck her in, cover her up, say our prayers, sing out special song, kiss her on the CHEEK and tell her I love her more than life itself- our nightly routine-altered only by the usual kiss on the nose and forehead….. but man I felt like I needed another shower. OCD I HATE YOU!

What a LONG day

So little one’s behavior behaved enough to earn Sweet Frog after her eye appointment, but man was it a long day!

It started early with a condensed PT appointment for me at 9am, and boy did she work me hard.  I came home and we started getting ready to head south to littles one’s appointment since we were going to go to the park first and wear her out.

When we got there she was gung ho to play but quickly I noticed her walking the perimeter of the play area alone.  But she wouldn’t tell me what was wrong.  She still hasn’t, I am assuming that someone said “no” to playing with her, she is sensitive about that, like me. It’s yet another reason I am glad she isn’t in public school, I was too sensitive for the politics of school, and she would be too.  As a homeschooled child I can help by controlling the people she encounters “most of the time” and then when we go to the park, swim lessons, and martial arts classes she is exposed to the public.

So we hung out at the park for a while, finally she found a little girl to play with.  Even with her brother trying to play with her she was still “meh” so I think whatever happened really bothered her. Which reminds me I want to speak to her again to see if she will finally open up.

After a while it was time to head to her appointment.  I reminded her what the appointment would probably be like, and what she would be asked to do.  She acted like the little teenager she is (she’s 6 almost 7 you know 😉 ) We got there, checked in and she was quickly called back.  She didn’t want her dad or I to go with her… WHAAAT? My 14 year old still wants me in there.  I had to go in for the first part for family and personal history but then she made me leave.

I waited and waited. My stomach in knots, anxiety leaking from every pore. What was going on in there?  What were they doing? Was she behaving? Was the exam going well?It seemed like we were there for HOURS, when in reality it was only 20 minutes or so.

The doctor came out and took me to another room to explain his findings.  Cue increase of anxiety because there were “findings”.  She can see 20/25 which they will monitor but apparently it’s pretty normal for someone her age.  However, she has convergence insufficiency. The best way I can explain it is that to focus we have to pull our eyes in, when she does that her eyes want to pull back out. Which makes reading difficult at best.

For so long, I have been questioning my ability to teach her, we have tried a million and one reading programs, but still she struggles with recognition of letters, reversals of letters, and struggling with letter sounds.  However, it’s not my fault.  Her eyes are to blame. And had she been in public school. and had I not requested an OT eval from her doctor this wouldn’t have ever been found.

I feel some vindication, especially after the text from the family member saying I am depriving her of a normal life not sending her to public school. She would be a behavior problem student in title 1, or special education.  When in reality it’s her eyes that don’t work. Homeschool isn’t for everyone, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am doing what’s best for MY kids.

For more info on convergence insufficiency see http://www.convergenceinsufficiency.org.

Until next time.

Wish Me Luck

Today I am taking little one to the “behavioral optometrist”, whatever that is…. it was recommended by her occupational therapist.  I am quite nervous, because little one and evaluations DO NOT go well, at all.  I’m thinking I’ll bribe her with a treat to Sweet Frog if she cooperates if I am incredibly desperate Buld a Bear.  Her occupational therapy evaluation was a disaster to say the least.  She threw pencils, scribbled all over the paper, threw things- needless to say it did not go well.  Her 3 sessions since, have been marginally better.  If she can’t control the activity she has an issue.  Her and the therapist have a plan whereby the therapist picks an activity, then little one, then the therapist, then little one…. hubby said last session went ok for about 35 minutes and then she was done.  

We are going to head down early and go to the park, and wear her out – so that hopefully she will be a little more cooperative.  I’m hoping that if her eyesight has anything to do with her behavior I want to make sure it’s treated.  If you pray say a little prayer that all goes well.