Addiction

My family has a long history of addiction. My mother’s father was an alcoholic who killed himself. My mother had two brothers and three sisters one sister and both her brothers were alcoholics and or drug addicts. In fact her youngest brother just died right after Christmas from complications of addiction to heroin.

I have no proof of exactly what was taken but I know my mother lost her job as an RN for meds missing from the med cart so it one point in time she had an addiction and I know in the 70 she dabbled in some pretty heavy stuff like acid with her ex and now she smokes marijuana daily.

My father’s brother was addicted to opiates and driving while under the influence as a young man (young 20s) got into an accident and suffered a brain injury and has never been the same he’s never lived on his own and has been living in a nursing home since he was about 40.

Why am I telling you all this because the past week and a half since my surgery I’ve been on Percocet and it has been the only time that I am not depressed while the Percocet is in my system I feel I could almost call happy but I don’t feel pain or sadness I feel like I can feel my OCD and that my Brain isn’t right but it almost doesn’t matter the PTSD memories come slower and less frequent I move slower and my brain moves slower.  I can see why people get addicted to these and how they could get addicted to these I myself think that I’ll feel a sense of loss when my pills are gone. I feel that I could easily become a victim of addiction to these pills.

This is something I’m going to have to mention to my med doctor today because I do not want to become an addict I think this proves to me more than I need the ECT treatment than anything else I need a reset of my brain.

Since starting that I went to my Pollyanna and Mary Poppins.  They were both a little concerned about the Percocet – as they should be, but I only have 6 pills left so they really shouldn’t be too concerned.

My therapist is thinking that maybe once a week is too intense for me, because I self harm – or want to- when I leave her office.  She also wants me to do one thing for me, that I enjoy to do, even if I don’t want to. In 2 weeks when I see her (she is on vacation next week) she wants me to think about other or not I want to keep weekly appointments or got to biweekly. Im really not sure how I feel about all of this.  Hubby went to the appointment with me, and he basically told us that I am withdrawing as much as I can from parenting.  It hurt, but it true. Sometimes the truth hurts….

Will finish this tomorrow…. eyes tired.

I spoke with my sister who (is a therapist) an she completely disagreed with the therapist -she feels its more likely that I need more intense therapy, so I am going to have to think about things, and decide what I need.

Mary Poppins has taken me off the Latuda because I thought it was making me really tired in the morning, but I am not so sure now that I haven’t taken it for a couple days, I think it’s depression and life that’s making me so tired.

We talked more about ECT therapy, and she thinks its worth a consult.  But on the other hand she thinks it might be worth waiting until I have had my appointment with the endocrinologist, given that the TSH is high.  I agree with that, but I am not happy with the lack of progress with my antidepressants. Hubby feels there has been very little if any progress in my depression, and Mary Poppins says looking over my chart it feels like not only have I not gotten any better but gotten worse. UGH.  Talk about discouraging.

So where do we go from here? I have no idea. But I will tell you for anyone worried, I have 1 Percocet left. There’s not chance of addiction- but I will be honest and tell you I miss the feelings it gave me.

Until next time….

Is it any wonder? 

Is it any wonder that I’m fat? I ate toast with peanut butter for breakfast, canned pears (in their own juice) for lunch, a cookie, a 1×1 square brownie. Not so bad right? 

Well then 5:30 hit – I ate 5 Trader Joe’s fruit leathers and then asked hubby to get me a “snack” like eclairs at hannaford…. he did – the 4 pack.  Which now sits empty at my feet in the bag to hide the evidence, to hide my shame. 210 calories each, 840 calories total.  Not terrible I guess-  but it’s not the calories that’s the problem for me- it’s the sitting there and eating four 6 inch eclairs in less than 5 minutes sitting in the grocery store parking lot. It’s shameful. It’s disgusting.  It’s everything I think about myself.  

Fat people don’t bother me, fat ME bothers me.  I’m gross. But I see someone my same weight or even more- some of them are gorgeous, but either way there’s nothing wrong with them I don’t look at them and think oh my god they’re so gross but when I look at myself in the mirror I think that.  when I think about myself sitting in the parking lot of the grocery store shoving eclair after eclair down my throat to fill some sort of  void I think I’m gross. I’m gross.

 Even my husband gave me a look of disgust that I’ll never forget I’m must be discussing to him now too.  I guess I made my own thoughts come true I’ve always thought he thought I was fat and ugly but wouldn’t say it and now he really does think I’m gross. He knows the true me. The binger.  

I think what I found out or figure it out I guess was that because right now I can’t hurt myself I’m compensating with other compulsions spending eating two things I can control two things that bring me pleasure if only for a moment but the question is which compulsion should I indulge in which is worse? 

Excuse me while I go throw up, I feel sick.

257

2….5….7. Two-hundred fifty seven pounds.  That’s what the scale read at Mary Poppins office today. I have not been that big ever. I think if I even go back and look at my pre-delivery weight I have never been that big. I gained 12 pounds in the past 14 days. Twelve! Mary Poppins really believes that there something wrong with my thyroid and my TSH is higher than it should be so she’s probably right…. but 257 pounds.  Christmas 2015 I was 157. In 18 months I’ve gained 100lbs. 

Even if when I go to the endocrinologist in August she find something wrong with my thyroid it’s not going to magically make the weight fall off in fact it’s going to be harder to lose the weight. I feel discouraged, I feel depressed, I feel like a beached whale 🐳.

This was not the post that I had intended to post tonight that one guess I’ll save for tomorrow, but this has been weighing heavily on my mind. 12lbs in 2 weeks.  257lbs. 

And then there’s the fact that my TSH is high which indicates a problem with my thyroid. My TSH was 2.x in November 3.93in May and 4.08n in June why is my thyroid increasing at such an alarming rate of course I think the worst of some tumor or cancer growing. I’m a worst case scenario type of person. 

Just wait tomorrow’s post is even more uplifting 🙄

I Know It’s Been A Couple Days

It’s really hard to find time to make a post when I am not on Percocet and when I am, don’t expect a post- because my eyes can’t focus and I am loopy as heck.

I just took a perc so I am not sure how long ill make this one.  I had to go to the ortho doc today to have an X-ray so that they could check my ankle.  He doesn’t think that it’s broken though the radiologist will look at it to be sure.  But he thinks it’s a bad sprain that I didn’t take care of for 5 weeks and then they pulled and yanked on it and made it worse.  So now I have a brace on my ankle and my hip.  Im a mess.

And then there are the additions to our household-

 

So now I have a tricked out wheelchair with the cupholder in the bike bag and an old person grammar because I’m not allowed to bend over I feel about 90 years old most days and I send a lot of time at physical therapy,  next week I get to go have my consultation to when they’re going to do my carpal tunnel surgery hopefully by the time I’m 40 I’ll be a brand-new person…. 

The one benefit of all of this is that while I’m on Percocet I am not depressed or having Anxiy… I said to my husband that I can see how easy it would be to get addicted to these medications because you really just don’t care and it feels really really really good. 

Recovery

My brain eye connection appear to be working for the moment so I will start and update. When I went int surgery onThursday I thought it would be like then a woman hears a funny noice in her car and she brings it to the garage and then there is nothing wrong with it.  But thankfully (?) that wasn’t the case.

First of al this place was punctual.  I mean they said I would be wheeled into surgery I was wheeled in just a moment or two before that time.

That was all typed last  night. My brain and eyes didn’t work well together for very long. I seem to, however, gained back some of my faculties and am able to put a coherent sentence together- for the most part.

I spent another day convalescing on the couch in and out of drug induced consciousness. I tried to go to church this morning, made it through worship music and asked hubby to take me to the car so I could sleep.  He was concerned since the car temp was 92 but I assured him I would be fine.  And I was. I did fall asleep, but I can’t seem to stay awake these days. I honestly believe I am not fully emptied of the anesthesia and then add the Percocet to it….

My other issue is that I have some massive swelling in my leg and foot.  I am a little worried about it and I will be glad to see my PT person on Tuesday. My brace also came all loose today, and hubby tightened it but we aren’t sure it’s where it needs to be.

I wonder how long it will take me to feel a little bit normal.  I am hoping tomorrow to post the pictures that the doctor gave me. But for now, I will describe my surgery:

They pulled my hip out of the socket,  they inserted the arthroscopic tools. The tear of the labrum was large, he was able to repair that instead of getting rid of the cartlidge, he also had to shave the head of the femur down so that it would fit better into my socket.  The final thing he did was to lengthen my psoas tendon.  From what I understand this was a pretty involved procedure, but hopefully I will be able to have some sort of a life again.

I guess that’s all I can handle tonight….. hopefully I will be more myself soon! But I will say valium + antidepressents +hydroxyzine + Percocet = managed depression….. too bad narcotics aren’t a valid solution 😉

Until tomorrow…..

Another Interesting Appointment

I was napping this morning because I was exhausted, at 10am…. yeah I know stuff and avoid.  Around 11:45am I got a call from my eye dr that they had had a cancellation and could see me, at 12:15pm.  I said I’d be there. So I change into outside clothes and I hurry there. I fill out all my paperwork and wait.  So we start with the usual read the lowest line etc.  Then the 1 or 2, 2 or 3 etc.  It was weird because I saw double letters of everything far away which was irritating, but a side effect of my meds. The other weird thing was that the one that was clearer was always cloudy.  Then she has me do the close up reading and that I didn’t see double. Then she asked me if I had a driver, since she wanted to dilate my eyes- something she doesn’t usually do- and I said no but I have sunglasses so go ahead. She did, and I had to wait for the 15 minutes…. snore!

So she looks in my eyes, nearly blinding me with what felt like the ray of the sun directly into my eye.  A few minutes goes by and she is done.  She says she’ll input the information into the computer “then we will talk about the results”… talk about ominous for an anxiety ridden person.

She starts out saying my nearsightedness prescription changed a medium amount and that I either need bifocals, or to wear no glasses when I read (which would give me a headache since I do have minimal correction farsighted), or I could get just reading glasses,  Cue me with 2 sets of glasses on chains switching from near to far- SUPER. But then the bomb drops.  I have cataracts.  In both eyes, the right side being the worse, and that everything even with my glasses will look a little cloudy.  She can’t tell me how quickly they will progress, or why I have them so young (39), but I do. AWESOME.

I swear it’s been one hit after another with this family lately.  I really don’t know how much more I can take. Yesterday it’s electro-shock therapy, and today it’s cataracts. Tomorrow, we head to the hotel for my surgery Thursday, but before that, I get to go see my urogynocologist.  I am going  to ask him to run a hormone panel to know where I am at, and see if he will refer me to the endocrinologist.  But who knows if he will.  Fingers crossed there’s no bad news with him tomorrow. Let’s hope that all my bad news for the week is over because surgery is Thursday AM.  If you pray, pray for me, if not, keep me in your thoughts!

Ill post at some point tomorrow about my fun fun gyno appointment. Hopefully I can post nothing eventful!

Goodnight!

Well this surgery should be fun

I had my preop appointment today. Some of it I expected, some I didn’t. I didn’t expect to have to wear these pigeon toe booties to sleep in for 2-3 weeks after surgery.  I have to have a tube down my throat while I am in surgery. I can’t drive for 3 weeks, it’ll be 6 months before I can do any sort of exercise, for 3 months I can’t bend, squat, crawl or kneel.  I can’t stand for any prolonged period of time for 2-3 months.

This surgery is a lot more involved than I expected, but I am still not regretting it.  I want my life back. I want this pain to stop.  He plans to fix the tear in the labrum, the impingement (Hip impingement, also known as femoroacetabular impingement (FAI), is a condition in which there is abnormal and wearing contact between the ball and socket of the hip joint. The result is increased friction during hip movements that may damage the joint.) As well as a lengthening of the psoas tendon (It is encompassed within the spectrum of snapping hip syndrome [1]. Iliopsoas tendinitis can be a cause of the less common, internal snapping hip syndrome [2]. … One operation involves lengthening the psoas muscle tendon accomplished by the step cutting of the tendinous portion of the iliopsoas ).  Sounds like a lot of fun, at least I will have percocet for pain.

Once this recover is done, I will be going for the carpal tunnel surgery. I am planning on trying to get my life in order before I turn 40, my dad is 57 years old, he’s back in the hospital with a clot in the fissula that allows him to get dialysis, and he’s facing another amputation this time of one of his fingers.  I want something different for my life.

I am exhausted, it’s been a very long day, my anxiety has been through the roof, and I have been feeling dizzy and off all day. I had to take 2 showers today because of my OCD…. So just a short post tonight.