First ECT

I had my first ECT treatment today. I got to the hospital and the first thing the nurse did (well after I changed into their stylish gowns ha ha) was start my IV. After that the doctor came in and dida little bit of a physical just to make sure everything was good and they checked out the EKG I had last month.

After all that was done they brought me back to the OR. My question is this why is it that the OR is so much colder than the rest of the hospital. The ride to the OR it’s like it’s getting colder and colder and colder.

Once I was in the OR they put and oxygen mask over my face while they were talking and said that they were going to be injecting my IV and I say yes with something that burns as I felt the burn, at this point I could feel my soul start to fade and as I was drifting off I felt them put the ciff on my leg. The cuff was intended to be tightened so the medicine that they give you that’s the muscle relaxer won’t get down there and so only your big toe wiggles and that’s how they tell that you’re having the seizure.

The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room with a really bad headache and feeling nauseous and panicked because I didn’t know how my daughter got to school I thought we had left her at home alone keeping in mind she’s only seven this is a very disconcerting thought. I made the nurse, husband on his cell phone and find out, and he reminded me we had dropped her off at a friends house.

The next little while I was been to recovery trying to get rid of the headache and the nausea with Tylenol and Zofran after they felt that I was stable enough and awake enough they brought me back to my original room where I recovered for a little bit longer and they let me have ginger ale and graham crackers and after that I was free to go.

After we left the hospital I felt ok. I wasn’t happy and kitty but I also didn’t feel horrible. I don’t know it’s hard to explain maybe a little better- so I had hoped that this was working. But once I got home and all the meds wear off the overwhelming sense of doom, those butterflies in your stomach and the anxiety that makes me shake inside came back. Along with a headache so I’ve been taking Advil and trying to relax.

But wouldn’t you know this is the day my kids decide that it’s time for World War III. My next treatment is on Monday I will definitely update again after that.

One funny thing was when I was explaining to my daughter that I had surgery and she said where and I said on my brain she was like on your brain? and I said yes they put electricity into my brain and she said oh you mean like Frankenstein. I had to kind a laugh at that.

What a Day!

My day started with Big One’s first day of public high school.  It seemed to have gone well, but it’s hard to tell with him.

Then I finally got my Dad on the phone I hadn’t talked to him in over a week, and I sort of miss his calls….. maybe not all of them…. but anyway he was irate, argumentative and and downright mean. Even going so far to say “do you really think that was the best choice” regarding sending the kids to Schoo… Even though he knows nothing of the gut wrenching heartache it was making that choice.

I was crying hysterically in the car… Got to counseling only to find out that my counselor is leaving and I only have 3 more sessions with her- PollyAnna is abandoning me like everyone else does.  Now I have to find another therapist…. or not.

After I left her office I was upset to say the least and I was headed out of town to meet with the Psychiatry department at the hospital for a consult for  my ECT  (electro shock therapy) treatments.  On the way there, I wasn’t “all there” the way many of us are when we have driving amnesia.  I was speeding, 70 in  55.  Ticket. $182. OUCH.  I will contest it to hopefully get the fine reduced.  I don’t really think I was going that fast but I didn’t argue. I took my punishment and off I went.

He took a pretty through history, had me crying some more, and spent a lot of time being quiet if I wasn’t talking and I told him it made me nervous when he was quiet.  He said because of my many failed meds, it would make ECT less effective, about a 50/50 shot it would work.  But he believes that just continuing to try different meds is a 10% chance. Not great odds any way you look at it. So I consented to the treatment.  He said some people, especially people with lots of trauma and with extended periods of depression (hello that’s me), sometimes never get better.   I looked at him and said so you are saying this may be as good as it gets- forever.  That forever I won’t want to die but I won’t want to live either? And he said it’s a possibility.  The thought of living like this for the next 50 years is even more depressing.

After I left there with my first treatment scheduled, I headed straight to OT, since I didn’t have much time to get there… I made it 5 mis or so late only to find out that my calendar – paper and electric were wrong.  This has been happening way too much lately. I can’t tell you how many times I have screwed up bills, appointments — everything in the past month or 2.  I told the dr I need a RAM dump.  I have given everyone a piece of me to take care of them and there is nothing left for me.

My brother made a comment about free time now that the kids are in school, and I said yeah right.  Screenshotted my calendar for October and his response was that they need 2 of me. SO SO SO true.  But I get the good half 😉

Tomorrow its treatment plan for the med cinic an then to see Dr. Handsome.  He will look at my left him but I have been having the same sorts of pain on the right side, I am falling a lot and have terrible balance, tripping on things, things I never would have done.

I don’t think I mentioned I fell walking little one home and sprained my ankle bad, on m good leg.  Which was already giving me trouble, so now my left hurts from compensating  to help my right hip and ankle.  I am so broken.

I know God has. a reason for this, but I hope this season is short.

A Word of Advice for People who Know me “in real life”.

If you have recently taken care of my child, spent any amount of time with me or them, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not text me at 9pm at night “how’s little one feeling? I THINK I might be coming down with a cold”. And then when I ask how your significant other is feeling and you reply “fine, it might just be my allergies hard to tell”.  This is a HUGE red flag for those of us with OCD.  I am now going to be watching myself and my children like a hawk for any sign of the plague coming our way.  I am not even sure I am going to go to church tomorrow because I am worried about what’s floating around.

So here’s what you DO do.  When you are SURE you are sick, then you text me and tell me that little one may have been exposed. Sure I will still freak out, and I will be scared to death that I am going to wind up with the plague or that my kids will, but don’t warn me until you know.  I can’t handle the not knowing. The worrying.  The feeling like I need to disinfect everything and everyone around me.

I know it makes me sound crazy.  Germs are not the worst things in the world.  A cold, the flu, a stomach bug lasts a couple days and you’e good to go.  But the thought of them scare me to death. Something as simple as a sinus infection will have me lysoling everything.  I won’t get near you.  And don’t get me started on people who cough in public. I want to scream STAY HOME.

I sound so mean. But my brain screams DANGER DANGER at a small sniffle, or a scratchy throat. I know, I am crazy.

Stuff

Today was a weird day.  Started with a visit with PollyAnna, which is always “fun”.  Someone left 2 peanuts in their shells in the bathroom on the sink and I couldn’t stop trying to figure out why someone would do that, why not put them in your pocket? Why bring them in the bathroom? Why leave them? So PollyAnna and I walked downstairs mid session for me to remove them, so I would stop thinking about them.  So I used paper towels to pick them up and then I had to do my hand washing ritual- which includes 5 paper towels, no more no less. No idea why. We went back up stairs and now my concern was what if someone realized they forgot their peanuts and went back for them and they were gone?  What if they were upset. PollyAnna assured me if someone left peanuts in the bathroom they probably weren’t expecting them to still be there.  Which brought up hand dryers. They are a NO GO. I feel like everyone’s poop smell and flatulence air is being blown on my hand.  At this point she literally laughed. I know she thinks I am nutty, with all the rules I have especially the ones that don’t make sense but I can’t help it.

Then I went to see Mary Poppins. I lost 2lbs since seeing her last, not as much as I would like but it was a loss at least. We talked about my meds and what’s working (not much) and what isn’t (most everything).  So she has decided to discontinue the oxycarbazipine and do a low dose lithium.  But when hubby went to fill it apparently there is an interaction between lithium and metformin and it can cause spikes and valleys in your glucose level, so tomorrow I will call the endocrinologist (who I need to come up with a name for), and see if she thinks I should test my sugars – if yes FUN! NOT!

I didn’t get my nap today, I really wish I had, but I did get to finish the audiobook I was listening to- The Memory of Us.  It was a good story set in England at the start of World War 2. But sometimes I wanted to strangle the main character through the book.

I know there was more on my mind, but I can’t seem to remember now.  So until next time.

Mundane life….

Lately it seems like every day is like the one before.  The new med the endocrinologist put me on makes me sick, I either nauseous or have gastro issues.  I can’t even remember what happened the past couple days. Well, with the exception on yesterday.

Right now we are in school prep mode, so I am trying to gather all our curriculum and clean the school room, that became a junk room over the past year because we schooled at the table, but hubby wants to separate the kids- probably a good idea. I don’t have much energy to get it done.  The old me would have had it done weeks ago, and school planned till Christmas. I will probably end up doing all my planning last minute.

Yesterday, I was scheduled to go see my mother, sister, brother-in-law, nephew and step-dad. I was going to wear the snarkiest shirt I have “Im real good at making bad decisions”, but after I did my quiet time and read my Bible, the Holy Spirit prompted me with an article on how to make WISE decisions and one of them was “does it glorify God?” So, I unpacked my snarky shirt and wore a plain purple one.   I went with the intention of not discussing the email, and to go with a spirit that Jesus would have, of love, forgiveness and reconciliation.  And as always God’s way was the best way.  The BBQ went fine, the kids had fun, the email was not brought up and life moved on.  That’s not to say I didn’t want to point out how different my kids were this year since last year, but I resisted the urge.  It wasn’t easy.  But I made it through the day.

Tomorrow, I get to go see Dr Handsome for my 9 week follow up on my hip surgery. A very long drive which I am having anxiety about. But I have to go, and little one has OT so hubby has to take her to that.  Im not really sure what he will do at this appointment, or what he tell me I am allowed to do.  I am pretty certain that my other hip has the same issue but, it also could have to do with the fact that I have overcompensated the other hip.  So I will probably wait a while to make sure it’s not just that.

My anxiety has been somewhat high lately, and I haven’t been as diligent at taking my valium and I have been getting chest pains, pains that wrap around my whole body and hurt into my back. I need to be better at taking them, because obviously missing them is really affecting me.

I got groceries alone, and I am really thinking I need to disappear…

Hubby and I made a deal, if I did the grocery shopping he would wash all the eggs we had waiting to be washed. I agreed to the deal and then remembered he would have washed them all anyway. CRAP! But no takebacks. So off I went to Walmart.  As usual I put my reusable bags in the bottom of the cart whenI walked in so when my cart was overfowing (literally – we try to shop a month at time for things other than perishables)….So I had to dig through the cart to get those out. Fun times.  And I hate the way people look at me when my cart is overflowing. Take a picture it’ll last longer…. they probably do and I am on the people of Walmart site somewhere.  Once I finished Walmart I went to the local grocery store for meat. We don’t buy our meat at Walmart.

So I get home and one child ignores me and the other hollers at me.  I said maybe it would be better if I were gone.  And I wasn’t kidding.  I am so tired of being disrespected, not listened to, and ignored. I want to run away.  Part of me wants to go empty all our accounts and take off.  You know, I would settle for a full night, and full day alone in a motel with no one talking to me, no one bothering me, no one ignoring me. But that’ll never happen. So my next wish is to be sick or hurt enough to go to the hospital for a day or three.  Have meals brought to me, lay in bed and sleep as much as I want without people poking me awake.

Mary Poppins asked me about self harm the other day.  I told her I have been thinking about it a lot, especially since I can’t turn to junk food anymore if I am going to follow what the endocrinologist wants…. and I don’t want to end up like dad. But I told her I would be having my other hand done soon so I have to wait.  She joked that she was going to keep me scheduled in surgeries indefinitely …. I got plenty she could schedule- weight loss, skin removal, breast reduction, tonsillectomy, fix my other hip, lobotomy…ok that last one was a joke.

Im tired. And it’s not lack of sleep tired. I’m worn.  And I have to spend tomorrow with my mom and step dad. It’ll be the first time I have seen him since “the text”. My husband wants to punch him out… Thankfully I know he has more self control…. I hope.

 

How Did I Get Here?

Do you ever just look around at your life and wonder what the heck happened any how you got here?

I got the results of my thyroid etc tests.  Everything was perfect, even my TSH went from 4.08 to 1.82. My antibodies were negative, my adrenal was fine everything was perfect. Except it’s not.  That means all my problems are between my ears.

It’s sad to think that good news made me sad. I should be happy my thyroid isn’t shot, but I’m not.  That would have provided an explanation that went beyond psychiatric. But no. I couldn’t get so lucky.  I know that sounds ridiculous but without a medical explanation it is all psychiatric. That’s so depressing.

That’s all I have for now.